


The Change

by EddieFook



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Bartender!Cas, Female!Dean, M/M, Supernatural AU - Freeform, destiel smut, mechanic!Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-04
Updated: 2015-05-16
Packaged: 2018-02-19 21:36:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 92,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2403746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EddieFook/pseuds/EddieFook
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean Winchester has a problem. A witch cursed him so now every two weeks he changes into a woman. What will happen when he meets thoroughly gay Castiel?</p><p>Supernatural AU the boys are not hunters, a bit of the supernatural exists in their worlds, but other than the witch they don't know about any of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. "I'm not doing a kissing booth!"

Dean woke up with boobs shoved painfully into his chest. And it wasn’t in a good way like when a chick was pressed into him, but in the awful way that he didn’t know how women could walk around with the extra poundage on their chests.

Dean had a problem, he’d never labeled whatever he had but he figured it had something to do with the bitch of a witch he refused to sleep with two years ago. The next morning he woke up and he was a woman. He had fun playing with himself for a while before he realized it wasn’t a weird dream. It was real.

Bobby was able to track down the witch but she refused to turn Dean back. She was proud to have “taken care of that ass hole” and it took all of Bobby’s power not to punch her across the face. Dean appreciated what Bobby had done but he knew in his gut the witch was never going to change him back. Usually his dick got him into trouble and this time he was in deep because he’d _refused_ to sleep with someone. So Dean fell into an uneasy schedule. Every two weeks, like clockwork, he changed. He would be Dean the man for two weeks then he’d fall asleep and wake up as Dean the woman.

He got up and stretched he was pretty used to his new body after two years. Yeah he’d never had a relationship last longer than his two week change or, more likely, a 48 hour period, and yeah sometimes he got lonely but he wasn’t depressed. Bobby let him keep his job at the garage and between the three of them they worked out a plan. Dean would go on “trips” to get parts every two weeks and “some chick” Bobby found would take his place. Bobby’s place was small and he didn’t have any other mechanics besides Dean so it worked easily.

“Dean! Shirt!” Sam called, he’d gotten used to Dean wandering around topless in male and female form but sometimes Dean had to be reminded before he left the house. Dean grumbled but he went back to his room. He got out one of the bras Charlie got him and put it on.

As a woman Dean was about 5’7” and had medium length sandy hair. He had the same eyes and lips but his nose was smaller and all his angles were softer. Charlie said he was lucky to get a B cup.

“You’re actually really hot, Dean,” she had said as she wiggled her eyebrows, “Wanna see what this new bod can do?” And boy did they ever. Charlie had taught Dean so much, he thought he knew what women liked, seeing as he’d slept with dozens upon dozens, but Charlie gave him fresh perspective. She was also fantastic in the sack.

Charlie was helpful in other ways too. She was a doctor and after she was done laughing herself silly when Dean called her terrified that he was going to get his period, she examined him (a memory Dean repressed with gallons of tequila). She said externally he might be a girl but internally he was still a guy. So Dean lived. He was a guy in a girl’s body.

“What do you want to do today?” Sam asked when Dean reemerged pulling on a Black Sabbath tee-shirt. It was Sunday so Sam didn’t have classes and Dean didn’t have work.  

“There’s that demo derby at the fair later today.” Dean’s voice was about an octave higher than his normal tone and it was low for a girl. Sam made a face.

“Don’t you spend your days putting cars together? Why do you want to see them ripped apart?”

“Aww c’mon Sammy it’ll be fun, cars, fried carny food, and you might meet someone.” If either of the Winchesters were going to be happy in love Dean was determined it was going to be Sam.

“Dean…”

“Sammy I don’t want to start.” Dean might be nine inches shorter than his younger brother but he still held authority in his voice. “No one’s going to want this baggage,” he gestured to himself, “Hey I’m happy,” correctly reading Sam’s face. “I get all the sex I need, with guys and girls.”

“I know, my room is next to yours.” Dean grinned as Sam’s bitch face was on in full. “What time is the derby?”

“Five?” Dean checked his phone, “Yup, five.” He still had to spend a day getting used to smaller hands.

“Well I’m going to go study, I’ll meet you back here at four.”

“There’s more to life than studying!” Dean called as Sam grabbed his bag from his room.

“Hey while I’m gone maybe you should clean,” Sam said smirking at the old joke.

“Is that because I’m a girl?!” Dean yelled after his brother, they both laughed and Dean wandered into the kitchen to make breakfast.

***

“Cas you have to!” Gabriel wined at his brother. “You promised!”

“Not to this!” Cas yelled, “I’m gay! You get that?! I’m not doing a kissing booth!”

“Good golly Castiel kissing a girl isn’t going to turn you straight, you’re not seeing –I mean—just do the damn charity booth!” Cas groaned again and nodded. He could easily say no to Gabe but it was harder to say no to charity. Gabe sighed and plopped down on the couch next to his brother.

“It may help…”he said softly and Cas nodded. “Have you heard from him?”

“No.” Cas cut him off, he didn’t want to talk about Michael. Gabe had never pushed but he let his brother know he was there.

“Go change, we’re leaving in half an hour, wear blue,” he called after Cas, “makes you look sexier!” Cas flipped his brother off as he walked to his room.

Hours later the Novak brothers were still behind the kissing booth. The line had been steady for both brothers even though Cas refused to wear blue. He was in a black tee-shirt and an AC/DC baseball cap. He didn’t notice any of the faces he kissed but he tried to smile and not be a grouch. There were a few men in his line but none were able to get Cas really excited. Michael had left three weeks ago and this was the first time Gabe had gotten him out of the apartment.

“Chapstick up baby bro,” Gabe threw a cherry flavored stick at Cas. Cas sighed again and glanced at his watch again. They only had another half hour and then he could go home and drink beer in front of the television.

Across the midway he saw an extremely tall man and shorter woman. The man was cute, he had dark brown hair and he was saying something to the woman beside him. Cas tried to ignore his attraction to the woman, no attraction was the wrong word, he told himself. She would make an amazing looking man he thought as he noticed the two walking toward the booth.

“C’mon Dean,” Sam smiled down, he loved how much taller he was when Dean was in this form.

“What are you 12?” But he followed his brother, this was the first time Sam seemed interested in anything romantic, even if it was just a kissing booth.

“Hey darlin’,” Dean almost raised his fists but he realized the red head was looking at Sam. Dean had never realized how hard it was for women until he became one. The cat calls, the pinches, he’d been in enough fights now to know he could land a good punch but it didn’t stop the advances. Dean smiled t the other one in the booth and froze. The man had ice blue eyes and he looked like sex in human form. Dean licked his lips as the other man leaned forward to kiss him.

His lips were soft and he raised his hand up to cup Dean’s cheek. Dean opened his lips just slightly and the man followed his leaned and opened their lips even more. Dean’s tongue teased in his mouth and Cas was more than happy to push his tongue in, but when he felt long hair he remembered who he was kissing and pulled away quickly. Dean had a hard time looking at the man without blushing, he seemed rattled too and Dean wanted to lean in and kiss him all over again.

“Uh, Cassie usually the person has to ask for the kiss first…” Gabe said with an open mouth.

“Yeah and you usually donate first,” Sam clapped his brother on his much smaller shoulder. Dean blushed like mad again and threw some money in the jar.

“Well that’s good for two kisses, even though that first was a bit…steamy…” Gabe glanced over at his brother. When Cas didn’t make a move he pulled the tall one in and pecked him on the mouth. “I’ve never been one to be left out.” He smiled at the shocked look on the man’s face.

“We’re going to the derby.” The woman said suddenly, she could hardly look at Cas, but when she glanced up through her light eyelashes into Cas’s cobalt eyes, he shivered, “You wanna come? Or are you doing this?” Dean was sure he and the man had some kind of spark, and a night or two of fun in this form would be awesome.

“Gay.” Cas chocked out making everyone glance at him. He cleared his throat and looked into those green eyes again. “I mean I’m gay.” The eyes fell and the woman waved.

“Well, my loss.” Her voice was low for a woman and Cas really wished she was a man. The taller one followed and soon they disappeared into the crowd.

“Don’t. Say. A. Word.” Cas rounded on his brother.

“Did you just use tongue? On a girl?”

“Shut up.”

“Gay.” He mimicked Cas’s low voice and got punched on the arm for his trouble.

***

“Dean.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Dean was ready to smack Sam. The derby was fine and all the way home Sam watched his brother’s face. Dean played with his longer hair and stared out the window. He was used to being shot down. He didn’t mind that, it was the kiss he couldn’t get out of his head. It was an awesome kiss and what frustrated Dean to no end was that he knew the other man felt it too. Dean didn’t care what the man had said, that kiss was steamy and more intimate than some, well most, ok all, of Dean’s more recent fucks.

Dean had to knock one out when they returned and went to bed. It had taken a while but he’d learned exactly what his new body liked and he could orgasm just as hard as a woman or a man. Tonight wasn’t difficult all he had to do was picture an AC/DC cap over blue eyes and incredibly soft lips. 


	2. Behind the Bar

The next two weeks were uneventful because Dean refused to allow himself to be depressed over the kiss. The next morning he woke up and decided it was an awesome one-time event and that was that. He wasn’t going to go looking for the blue eyed sex god when he turned because then that would mean Dean was actually looking for someone and that constituted as relationship territory which he could never do. He’d never be able to explain away about his “condition” and it wasn’t fair on anyone if they only dated two weeks at a time. He did have to bring home four or five drunken one night stands, not to mention the three or four who had taken him home, just to get Sam to stop pestering him about the kissing booth.

“Dude seriously,” Sam groaned over breakfast as the most recent one night stand left. It was the Monday after he turned and Dean was already grumpy about work.

“What?” Dean ran his hands through his short hair. Sometimes Sam could be so fucking hot and cold, one minute all his brother wanted was him to be in a relationship and then he yelled when Dean was connecting with someone. He said as much to Sam.

“Yeah, but having sex with random strangers isn’t connecting Dean. You deserve more than using yourself as a revolving door.”

“Sam just because you got your heart broken doesn’t mean that everyone is love sick like you.” Dean didn’t wait to hear Sam as he grabbed his keys and wallet and left. He was fucking tired of his brother.

Dean pouted most for most of the rest of the day as he worked on cars. He banged around and cursed gruffly several times to the point where Bobby couldn’t take it anymore.

“Dean!”

“What?!” Dean couldn’t keep the anger out of his voice and Bobby frowned.

“Well I’d ask if it was your love life, but you don’t have a love life so it must be something with Sam.”

“I have a love life,” Dean protested.

“No, you have a sex life, love is something different.”

“Bobby don’t fucking start…”

“I ain’t boy, I was just saying I know what you got is hard and I’m not going to push. I just want you to be happy.” Dean sighed, he couldn’t keep having this talk. Bobby and Sam had left him alone for a while after the change, but once Dean lost count on his sexual partners the Conversation started.

“Bobby…”

“Fine you don’t want to talk,” Bobby hit Dean over the shoulder. He looked at the young man in front of him and wished, not for the first time, that Dean could just catch a break. He didn’t know what happened to the boys in their past, but he knew they weren’t invited home. “Come out with me tonight for a beer.”

***

Dean followed Bobby into a bar he’d never been to. He was glad Bobby has given him an excuse to not go home right away. He was already feeling guilty because of what he’d said to Sam and he wasn’t looking forward to dealing with that.

Bobby got a table as Dean went to the bar to get two beers. He flagged the bartender down and when the man came to him Dean found himself freezing again. Ice blue eyes met his and he felt his stomach flip in excitement when he remembered he was in his male from. He also remembered incredibly soft lips and a firm tongue and he nearly leaned over the bar to kiss the man all over again. Dean smiled widely when he heard a tiny sigh escape the man’s amazing lips.

Cas forgot how to breathe when he saw the most gorgeous man walk up to the bar. The man was nearly perfect with full lips and a little stubble. He had short, spiky, sandy hair, but those eyes. Cas was willing to get lost in those golden, green eyes forever. He sighed slightly at the thought and the man grinned making Cas’s knees go weak.

“Alcohol,” he blurted out and the man laughed. Apparently this guy had a thing where he blurted out words when he was flustered and Dean thought it was adorable.

“Yes, I would like to purchase the alcohol. Though,” he leaned in, “You look better than anything served here.” He winked and Cas was glad he had the bar to grab on to. Was this finally karma rewarding him for being Gabe’s brother?

“Oh,” he said in a small voice and getting a grin in reward.

“What time do you get off?”

“Two AM,” and he saw the most adorable pout, “But I have a break at ten.” Dean beamed.

“In that case, two beers,” Cas felt a stab of fear wondering who this man was with. But—

“Meet me at the men’s restroom at ten,”—he couldn’t help himself. The man flashed another side grin at him and he could feel his toes curl. He followed the leather clad back to a table and let out the puff of air he didn’t know he was holding when he saw the sex god sit with an older man.

“Bobby…” Dean groaned as he was met with a glare when he sat down.

“I’d prefer you didn’t set any hook ups when I’m sitting _right here_.” He said gruffly.

“He’s different.” Dean said petulantly, “What? I don’t have many rules but one is never do the bartender.” Bobby raised his eyebrows, “There’s always the chance I’ll piss them off when I don’t call and I want to be able to go back to the bar.” Bobby hung his mouth open. “What?”

“I’m trying to figure out what I should be more shocked about, that you think of how someone feels or that you have _rules_.”

“Piss off.” Bobby laughed but he got serious again.

“Dean, that boy looks like he’s a good guy.” Dean nodded when he glanced at the man behind the bar. “I just don’t want to see you hurt.”

“Hey, it’s just sex.” Dean’s voice was hollow.

“Well I don’t want you hurting him either. You’re not a bad man.” Dean nodded again and drank his beer. Bobby had closed the garage late that night so it was well past seven and Dean was thankful this bar had burgers. He was less thankful that it also had waitresses who took care of them so he didn’t have a reason to talk to the sexy bartender, but he was content to just watch. Bobby called him a perv and left shortly before ten.

Dean had a hard time keeping his excitement in check and he actually caught himself bouncing from foot to foot waiting outside the men’s restroom. He jumped when a hand pulled him from behind and dragged him out the back door.

Cas had thought about this every time he looked up and saw the man drinking from his beer or talking or eating, really anything to do with his lips. Once they were outside in the back alleyway hidden behind the dumpster he pushed the man into the brick wall and crashed into him. His lips suctioned on and his hands fisted in short hair. He didn’t even wait for a response as he shoved his tongue in a large mouth and he licked everything he could.

Dean was only taken by surprise for less than a second as the man tackled him against the wall. He ran his hands along the man’s back and rested on jeaned hips. He played with a belt and denim seams before he was able to get around to unbuckle the belt and unzip the jeans. He wrapped one arm around the man’s back for support as the other snaked down behind boxers. The kiss never stilled from its furious passion and both men moaned when Dean’s hand wrapped around the hardened length between them. The man took his hands from Dean’s hair to massage his erection but he was starting to be too far gone to deal with things like belts and zippers.

The stranger smirked against his lips and pulled away with a loud pop. He kissed Cas’s neck and then moved to his knees as he slid Cas’s cock out. He spit on the tip and took Cas into his mouth and was rewarded by breathy moans and hands fisted into his hair. He worked his head back and forth and used his tongue and teeth to completely blow the man away.

It was something he’d never told Sam or Bobby (not that he liked talking about his sex life) but he always made sure his partner came. With men it was easier to tell, but once he became a woman he could tell the difference between real and fake orgasms. And Dean made sure to get the real ones, usually at a sacrifice to himself. He’d usually knock it out on his own because most of his partners didn’t pay much attention to him once he’d made them come.

He started swallowing around the man and that was enough to send him shooting into Dean’s mouth. Dean sucked him a bit longer before letting go and pulling away. He rose and was surprised when the man pulled him in for a kiss again while his hand jammed down the front of Dean’s pants. Dean broke from the kiss to groan and the dark haired bartender sucked his neck while his hand worked him furiously. Dean bucked into the strong palm and held onto broad shoulders to steady himself.

“That’s it come for me,” the man grunted into Dean’s neck and he came with a groan. The hand swiped him a few more times, and when Dean opened his eyes the man was licking his hand clean. He pulled the stranger into a bone crushing kiss again and they locked together until they could no longer breathe.

When they did break away the man rested his head on Dean’s shoulder. “Name?” he said it softly as he traced Dean’s abdomen muscles.

“Dean, yours?”

“Cas, Castiel.” His watch started to beep. “Shit,” he kissed Dean quickly, “I gotta go, pick me up at two?”

“Oh hell yeah,” Dean wore a huge smile that Cas matched. He wanted to kiss Dean all over again but he’d never make it back to work if he did. He waved awkwardly and Dean rested his head against the brick wall watching him go.

Dean went back into the bar and slipped in the bathroom to clean himself up. Sure he could go home and change but he didn’t want to deal with Sam. He definitely didn’t want to deal with Sam when his brother would figure out Dean was just leaving again to hook up with someone.

Coming out of the bathroom he noticed some pool tables and he thought he could easily hustle some guys for pocket change.

Cas noticed Dean hustling pool but he couldn’t seem to care. He also didn’t freak out that he’d just had oral sex in an alleyway. He’d never done something so _dirty_ before. Sure he’d had partners but the most adventurous thing he’d done was one time in a parked car and another on Gabe’s bed. And after seeing how apocalyptically cross Gabe had been when he’d seen his bed…Cas probably would have rather been arrested for lewd behavior than to face his brother again. There was just something about Dean, though, that made Cas want to strip and fuck right there. He guessed Dean was experienced, but after that blow job…Dean knew exactly what he was doing and Cas wanted to shut the bar down just to take him home. He only hoped he was experienced enough for Dean.

Around one when things were finally slowing down Dean came up and sat near where Cas was cleaning up behind the bar. For some reason Dean didn’t want to turn this into a drunken one night stand so he waved off when Cas asked if he wanted anything.

“Just your cock, but I can wait.” He winked again, “Barely,” Cas winked back and then started handing out cleaning duties to the waitresses.

Dean had been watching Castiel all night and he saw what Bobby had meant about Cas being a good guy. Cas had even gotten _him_ off. So he spent the last half hour before two worrying. He knew he was a slut and his bed has seen more partners than…well he’d lost count around forty or was it fifty? He couldn’t remember. But as he watched Cas inspect tables he realized he didn’t want to hurt this man, and anything with him ended in hurt. Bobby was wrong, he wasn’t a good man. He was never going to be able to give up the one night stands, and he was never going to find a relationship. He also guessed in the deep, way far back, dusty corner of his mind that having sex with Cas would ruin him for anyone else. He swung in this vortex a while more before deciding the best option would be to get up and go. He’d have to add this bar to the list of ones to avoid but it would be far better than a run in with a blue eyed, perfect “what if.”

He was almost to his motorcycle when he heard his name called behind him. “Dean,” Cas was running, actually _running_ to him, “Where are you going?”

“I was just, I was…” all the reasons that seemed so good were fading when he looked at those blue eyes and messy hair. “I’m not a good guy,” he said shutting his eyes closing off the distraction, “I’m not great, I’m a man whore and I don’t call and I’m not—” he was cut off when arms wound around his waist.

“I seem to remember that I came on to you.” Cas’s deep voice rumbled all the way through Dean’s chest. “And I don’t care, I’m tired of good guys. The last good guy I had walked out on a two year relationship without a word. And I don’t want to be good boy Castiel anymore. I want to _fuck_.” The way he said it made Dean jump in hunger. Cas looked up at Dean, “Can you help with that?” All Dean could do was nod, “Good, now promise me you’ll stay here while I lock up.” Dean nodded again and leaned against his motorcycle.

They worked out the logistics and Dean followed Cas to his place. He was barely off his motorcycle when Cas had tackled him again with another crushing kiss. They wobbled to the door arms entangling and passion making it hard to move straight. When Cas got them into the house Dean dropped his helmet and plastered Cas against the closed door, bringing Cas’s arms above their heads. His lips and teeth attacked a mouth as he rubbed himself into Cas’s hip.

“Roommate?” he questioned huskily, not that it ever stopped him but it was good to know if someone was going to barge in, not that that stopped him either.

“Brother, but he sleeps with earplugs, or at least he will.” Cas squeaked when Dean threw him over his shoulder and followed in the direction Cas pointed in to the bedroom.

He dropped Cas down on the bed and pounced on him. Cas moaned when large hands were everywhere on him and he threw his head back when Dean sucked on his neck. He was already so hard and being consumed in Dean’s scent and touch made him whine in need of friction and skin. Dean read the noise perfectly and leaned back to pull his shirt off and Cas did the same.

Dean sucked in air when he saw the tattoo across Cas’s chest. In the center was some funny pentagram surrounded by fire, but it was the wings around it that made Dean’s breath stop. He ran his hands along Cas’s chest because they looked so _real_. Cas felt awkward for a minute as Dean examined him but when he saw how amazed the man was he blushed. Dean leaned in and licked the tattoo and moved his way further down.

He made sure to keep eye contact with Cas as he undid the belt and jeans. Then he took the fabric in his teeth and pulled it away from Cas’s crotch making the man shiver. He sucked Cas’s dick through his boxers and Cas moaned loudly. Feeling he’d teased enough Dean pulled himself off the bed and undid his pants and slid out of the rest of his clothes. He laughed when Cas’s eyes went huge and he licked his lips. He reached over and pulled Cas’s pants off and the man hissed when cool air hit his penis.

“Condom?” Cas pointed vaguely in the direction of his nightstand. Dean found what he needed and knelt down between Cas’s legs spreading him. Cas moved to roll on his stomach but Dean stopped him.

“I wanna see those beautiful eyes when you come.” There was heat in his words and Cas’s body responded by shooting out precum. Dean smiled and eagerly sucked the heated flesh as he poured lube on his fingers. He massaged Cas’s balls for a while before tracing his fingers back to the tight hole and he eased a finger in.

“Oh fuck,” Cas yelled when he felt the whole finger burning into him. His yells became incoherent when Dean thrust his finger back and forth and he nearly screamed when a second and then later a third finger was added.

“Are you ready?” Dean’s mouth was next to Cas’s ear, when did that happen? Cas didn’t care, he nodded and raked his nails across Dean’s back. Dean pulled them up so they were sitting across his legs and he slammed into Cas. They both yelled when Dean began pumping as Cas tilted his hips.

Dean knew he was going to have some pretty good scratches on his back but he hardly cared. It felt fucking amazing. He held Cas’s hips tightly and rolled the man when he slammed up. Judging by the loud moans coming from Cas he Dean figured he was hitting the magical prostate button.

Their pace was manic and it didn’t take long until they were covered in sweat and musk. Cas thought he wouldn’t be able to look Gabe in the face for a week, but when Dean’s hand came between them to grab his cock thoughts of his brother evaporated. He was so close and the way Dean was thrusting erratically he could tell the other man was too.

“Open your eyes for me baby.” Dean whispered as Cas threw his head back. He obliged and that was all it took to send him over the edge. Dean watched the passion in the man’s eyes and he didn’t need cum all over his hand to know that was a good orgasm. He was so close himself, but he pulled away so Cas could rest.

“Where are you going?” Cas said lazily, he rubbed his ass into Dean’s erection, “Finish what you started.” Dean bit his lip but when Cas pushed himself onto Dean, he started thrusting up again and soon he was a sweaty mess too. He came with a roar and Cas groaned loudly again. They fell together in the bed in a tangled, sweaty mess. Cas got up at some point, peeled the condom off Dean and went to the bathroom to clean up. When he did Dean sat up and grabbed for his clothes. At this point he was usually kicked out, and as much as he didn’t want to leave he thought he should at least be half dressed when Cas asked him to go.

“Where are you going?” Cas asked for the third time that night when he saw Dean gathering up his clothes.

“I ah, well um, aren’t you going to ask me to leave?” Cas made a face and pulled Dean down on the bed. He cuddled into Dean and fell asleep almost instantly.

_Well this is a first_ , Dean thought as he rubbed Cas’s arm. He fell asleep quickly too and for some reason a happy bubble was forming in his gut.


	3. Burgers and Pudding

Cas felt like a slut and he loved it. Over the week anytime either he or Dean were off they’d fuck. It was always frenzied and sweaty and loud. Holy hell they were loud.

“I’ve never been this loud before.” He said after one particularly good afternoon when they lay on the floor. Cas was going to have carpet burns but he hardly cared. Dean chuckled deeply.

“Maybe you’ve never let yourself go.” The first few times were awesome but as the days went on even Dean was surprised at the sheer sexual power Cas possessed. Dean knew if the dude really let himself go, not just allowing himself to be noisy, but really let himself go Dean may not be able to keep up. He had to end it. he knew the more times he slept with Cas the harder it would be to walk away once he turned.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been encouraged to,” Cas frowned, “I mean sex with Michael was good, but he was more interested in talking.” He caught the look on Dean’s face. “Hey I’m sure if we stopped screwing like rabbits long enough we’d get those good talks too, but right now I’m good where we are now. I mean if you’re ok that I’m using you for sex.”

“Wouldn’t be the first time,” Dean said it easily without malice, but it was enough to wipe the smile off Cas’s face.

“I’m sorry,” he said meekly running his hand up and down Dean’s chest. “I didn’t mean—”

“It’s fine Castiel, if the best sex of my life wants to use me as a fuck toy I’m more than fine.”

“Best sex…?” He’d never, ever, ever been called _that_ before.

“Well, almost,” Dean leaned in and kissed Cas, his eyes and voice showing a tiny hint of sadness. “Let yourself go a bit more and I may just forget every person I ever slept with. You’ve got the potential babe.” Cas blushed fiercely and Dean pulled him into his chest. He didn’t want to question what the hell he was doing, he didn’t want to think about in six days he would change and it would all be gone. So he worked, he fucked Cas whenever he could, morning, night, lunch break, he never could get enough.

“Hey,” he walked into the kitchen to get breakfast and Sam was there, it was Friday and Dean would be changing the next night. He’d been so busy with Cas that he hadn’t spoken more than a few phrases to his brother for two weeks. “Listen man, I’m sorry about the shit I said last week…” Sam grunted and nodded. He rose to go and Dean stopped him, “Sam? Have you ever fucked someone and just—” Sam glared and pushed Dean’s hand off. “Sam! I’m trying here! This guy’s different.” That finally stopped his brother.

“You mean you’ve been meeting up with just one person? For two weeks?!” Sam was speechless as Dean nodded, first that Dean had only one partner for more than a 48 hour period and secondly at the other man’s stamina. Sam knew all too well Dean’s sexual appetite. He sighed, pinched the bridge of his nose, and sank back into his chair. “Tell me about him.”

“Well he’s really flexible, kind of sheltered, but open to new things you know, he’s also got a really huge—”

“Dean! What do you know about _him_ not his dick?!”

“Oh, um—well he’s got a really gorgeous tattoo, he works as a bartender…” Dean wracked his brains, “He has a brother…there was a Michael,” his jaw clenched at the thought of the unknown ex, which was new, Dean never cared about ex’s or how recently they’d become ex’s.

“Do you want to know more about him?” Sam held his smile in check when his brother nodded eagerly.

“But it’s not going to happen Sammy, Cas told me he just wants sex, and I have the change…”

“Can you trust him?”

“I don’t know,” Dean ran his hands through his hair.

“What if you tell him you’ll be on vacation for two weeks and then…well do you want to see him again?” Sam couldn’t stop the smile this time when Dean’s face lit up. “I’ll be out of your hair tonight so use the apartment, if this guy lives with his brother then he deserves the night off.” Dean smiled Cas had mentioned Gabe complaining. Even better Cas didn’t have to work at the bar tonight so they had lots of hours.

***

“Hey Dean,” Cas waited shyly at the large garage door. When they were alone Cas was comfortable to get his freak on (within limits, Dean still hadn’t gotten him to lose control) but in public, with clothes on, he was shy and quiet. He couldn’t believe he was sleeping with this amazingly gorgeous man. He watched Dean work before he’d said anything and the man was perfect. He had such a look of concentration that made Cas sweat. He wondered if Dean would be willing to take whatever this was to another level. He wanted to know about Dean’s life, what he liked what he hated…he wanted to know Dean.

“Hey Cas,” Dean was nervous but Sam had really helped him. He walked over and kissed Cas on the cheek, “Dinner?”

Cas was speechless, maybe Dean wanted the same things he did. “Yes!” he said a little too loudly, causing a laugh to explode out of Dean and an older man stick his head in the garage. Cas recognized him from the first night he met Dean.

“I’ll go wash up.” Dean said, smiling like an idiot as he walked toward Bobby. The older man raised his eyebrows and followed Dean back.

“That’s the same boy from the bar.” Dean glanced at Bobby from the sink. “Have you been…with him all this time?”

“You’re making it sound like a Guinness World Record, Bobby, we’ve only been going out for two weeks.”

“Going out?” _Damn it_ Dean thought, he couldn’t get attached, but his reasoning was quickly flying out the window. Time that was what Sammy said, “Do you trust him?” Again the question was asked and again Dean didn’t have an answer.

“We’re doing dinner all the dating shit. I’m going on vacation for two weeks and then, if he’s willing, we’ll try when I get back.” For once Bobby didn’t push and Dean was grateful. He changed quickly and met Cas out front.

“So I know this great place,” Cas started as Dean kissed him. It was so easy and when he grabbed Dean’s hand it felt like they’d been doing it for years rather than for the first time.

“Actually I’ve already got reservations, someplace nice.” He kissed Cas’s temple, he couldn’t stop himself from touching and kissing this man.

“I parked over here,” Cas pointed, Dean followed to a beat up jeep, he’d leave his motorcycle at the garage and get a ride with Sam on Monday.

He gave directions to his apartment and laughed when Cas realized where they were. They’d never been back to Dean’s apartment and Cas was crazy excited and nervous at the same time.

“I have a brother, Sam, he’s younger and a fucking genius, he goes to college and he’s pre-law. He’s going to be gone tonight but I want to introduce you sometime…” This was the most Dean had ever talked other than right there, oh yes, right there. “I’m going on this work trip for Bobby for two weeks, but I want to see you when I get back.” Dean said it to their interlocked fingers. When he looked up Cas was beaming. “I know you said you just wanted sex, and that’s awesome, but if you wanted…”

Cas interrupted him with a kiss. It was so much like their first that Cas had no memory of. Cas’s hand went to Dean’s face and Dean slowly teased their mouths open. Cas slid his tongue in and reveled in their slow pace. He’d been used to quick and dirty but Dean was so _tender_ it was amazing.

“C’mon we should get inside if we want any food.” Dean’s apartment was one that had its own exterior entrance and he blushed sheepishly when Cas looked around the medium sized apartment. If he continued to watch Cas he’d probably fuck him now but he wanted to be mature and shit so he moved to the kitchen.

Dean loved to cook and before the change he’d even looked at some cooking schools but after… he couldn’t explain missing two weeks at a time. So he went to the library and went on the internet learing as much as he could. He pulled out some potatoes from the bag on the floor and starting slicing them almost all the way through very thinly. He turned the oven on and then stuffed the potatoes with butter, cheese, and scallions. He slid the tray of potatoes into the oven and was halfway through making the burgers when Cas came and watched him sitting at the table.

“You know what you’re doing.” He said simply as Dean mixed a dry rub for the burgers.

“It just comes naturally,” Dean blushed, “I like to cook.” Dean took the burgers outside to cook on the grill which he’d forgotten to light. Damn that man getting him distracted. He shook his head and got everything settled. Once the burgers were on the grill he went back inside and prepared the condiments.

“You want bacon on your burger?” He laughed as Cas nodded eagerly, kissed him quickly, and brought some out to the grill.

Dean didn’t know why he was so nervous when he watched Cas take his first bite, but when he did…his eyes rolled back looking exactly like a less intense version of when he came. Cas had a hard time not moaning, but damn it was the best burger he’d ever had, hell it was the best meal he’d ever had and he was at a loss of exactly how to thank karma for this perfect man.

“So you’re gorgeous, you are the best lay I’ve ever had, and you cook like a god, what’s wrong with you?” Cas teased and he was too busy eating to see the slight crestfallen look on Dean’s face. “I mean why are you still single?” Cas said after taking another bite.

“Oh well, I’m um…complicated? No one seems to make it past two weeks.” Dean didn’t want to say more and Cas felt a pit open in his stomach.

“Hey I didn’t mean—”

“Nah, it’s fine, I think I might make it to week three with this one,” Dean leaned and kiss the ketchup off the side of Cas’s mouth. He refused to say more and Cas didn’t ask, so they stayed silent.

Cas insisted on helping clean up so he washed all the dishes as Dean dried and put them away. They talked about brothers while they cleaned.

“Well our parents died when I was young and Gabe is three years older than me so he took care of us. We were supposed to go to foster care but Gabe ran away with me so we could stay together.” As much as he complained about his brother Cas was in awe. Gabe could do anything, now if he would just settle down.

“Yeah we kind of did the same, well our mom died when Sam was one but our dad…” Dean’s fists clenched under the towel he was holding. “I was 17 when I came out as bi and dad, well he couldn’t handle it so he gave me a choice. Stay and be straight or leave and never return. So I left. Sammy was 13 but as soon as he was 18 he came out here with me.” Cas smiled sadly at Dean and held the man’s face in his hands.

“Well I’m glad you left that asshole because I may not have gotten the chance to meet you.” He kissed all over Dean’s face and finally ended at the plump lips he’d become addicted to. He started a slow rhythm with their tongues as his hands went to Dean’s back just to pull the man in even closer. Dean put his hands on Cas’s hips and for the first time in years he was content just to kiss. He didn’t want to move any farther or faster, but just get lost in those perfect, soft lips. Cas pulled away after a good long while and rested his head against Dean’s chest.

“So you want dessert?” Dean asked and laughed at how quickly Cas nodded. “Well I spent a long time on this, it’s really special, close your eyes.” Cas did as instructed and something was dropped in his hand.

“A pudding cup? Seriously?” Dean let out a genuine laugh that made his eyes water, “Oh yeah you’re fucking hilarious.” Which only caused Dean to laugh harder.

“I’ll bet you ten dollars I can make it taste good.” Cas was excited to see how Dean was going to transform this crappy pudding. What would he make? Pie? Meringue? Custard?

What Cas wasn’t paying attention to was Dean peeling the cover off one of the pudding cups. He did look on as Dean brought the cup slowly to his lips and lick a good amount out on his tongue. Then he set the cup down and brought Cas in for a kiss. He squished the pudding between them and this time put more need into his hands and body as their kiss heated up. When Dean pulled away Cas was stunned. His hair was a mess, Dean seemed to have a kink for his messy hair, and he was enjoying the beginnings of a really good hard on.

“Well that was good,” Cas mumbled and Dean threw him a sexy side grin.

“Hey everything tastes better with a little bit of me on top.” He winked and Cas rubbed his stiffening cock into his hip.

“Speaking of on top,” he whispered breathily.

“Is this my _tip_?” Dean said as he pulled Cas back to his bedroom.

“Oh yes,” Cas pushed Dean on the bed, “And speaking of tips, I want you to ride me this time, I want to make you come so hard you won’t be able to _breathe_.” Cas was inwardly terrified, where had those brave words come from? He’d never had someone ride him, he was always bottom, but something in Dean gave him courage, he could do this. But what if…

“Cas?” Dean reached a hand out to rub Cas’s cheek.

“What if I’m not… I’ve never…” he whispered, “I’m not experienced …” Dean swiftly kissed him ceasing any doubts.

“Hey, there’s a difference between experience and being good, you can sleep with a hundred people and be rubbish, but you can be amazing and only sleep with three.” Cas nodded, “Do you want to fuck me?”

“Oh yes.”

“Then you let instinct take over and let yourself go. That’s all there is to it.”

So Cas did, and boy did his instinct not let them down. It was probably the most intense orgasm he’d ever had and Dean was beyond words for a long time too.

“That was…”

“Yeah...”

“I mean…”

“Yeah…” Dean was still a little frustrated. Cas hadn’t really let himself go and allowed himself to become truly vulnerable. He would second guess himself constantly, once he figured out Dean liked what he was doing he continued but he held himself back. _Maybe over time_ he sighed. Still though, it had been mind blowingly amazing.

“So tell me about you.” Dean said rolling onto his stomach to get a better look at Cas. The blue eyes were startled.

“What do you want to know?”

“Whatever.”

“You know about my brother, he’s a fantasy writer so he’s kind of all over the place. He’s always trying to convince me unicorns are real.”

“That’s your brother Cas, what about you? What do you do for fun?”

“Well I work at the bar…”

“Castiel,” Dean’s voice was tired of his evasions.

“I want to be an artist.” Cas said it quickly, he never shared his passion just because people either made fun or lectured that he wouldn’t make any money. Half the time Michael joked and the other half he griped about money.

“Really? That’s awesome! Do you paint or draw, ooh do you want a model?” Dean rolled so le looked like Kate Winslet in _Titanic_ “Draw me like one of your French girls,” he said in a lecherous voice. He laughed when Cas hit him in the face with a pillow.

“I do, um, mixed media? A little bit of everything? I did this.” He waved at his chest and Dean leaned in to examine the feathers he was so in awe of.

“This is amazing,” he said touching the wings. He got up from the bed and grabbed a sharpie out of Sam’s room. “Draw something on me.” He said tossing the pen at Cas.

“What?”

“Yeah, I’ll be gone for a while and this will remind me of you.” Cas thought for a bit and then decided exactly what to do.

“So where are you going?” He said quietly, concentrating on Dean’s chest.

“Um, Main? There’s a classic car circuit I always hit up this time of year.”

“Sounds fun,” Cas spoke softer as he concentrated and for a while neither of them talked as he mapped out his drawing.

“Did you always want to be a mechanic?” He said after half an hour once he’d gotten the lines in, now it was a matter of shading.

“Well it was what I was good at. Bobby needed a mechanic when I came to town and I needed a job, so it just sorta stuck.”

“Have you ever thought of becoming a chef? You might not be able to make a decent dessert but you can _cook_.”

“Hey you said the pudding was good!”

“Yes, but I don’t know how I’d feel if you used that particular method on customers. No laughing!” He smacked Dean’s leg as the man chuckled, “Seriously though, you’d make an amazing chef.”

Dean ran his hand through his hair trying not to move too much. “Yeah, but I don’t know much, I’d have to go to school.”

“Well you could do it, Dean, any place would be lucky to have you.”

“Yeah…” he didn’t sound convinced, “My life is complicated, there’s a reason no one lasts long.” Cas waited but Dean said nothing more.

“There!” Dean had watched Cas’s face the entire time not looking down and now when he did his breathing stopped. It looked like someone had ripped his chest open. Wide gaps were opened up and Cas had drawn ribs and organs between the strips of skin. But going up the gashes were larger and on the left side larger than life—

“A perfect heart,” Cas said shyly, “It seems to me no one sees you for you are and all I see is a perfect heart.” Dean blushed and pulled Cas in for a kiss. Cas kept his distance which frustrated Dean to no end. “Hey you have to dry!” Dean groaned and Cas laughed as he lay on his back, his shoulders rubbing against Dean’s. They held hands and talked through the rest of the night.


	4. Win a Date With Gabriel Novak!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so I don't know when I'll be able to update next, I have a paper due for my rhetoric theory class but I promise I will be writing soon! And this chapter is a long one so enjoy!! Comments are appreciated!! Thanks to all!!

Dean groaned when Sam’s alarm went off at six AM. He and Cas had spent all day yesterday together and ended by fucking so slowly that Dean almost understood the term “making love.” He cursed and shook his head, he couldn’t fall in love, he couldn’t do that to Cas. But then it was _Cas_. The messy hair that could turn him hard instantly, the blue eyes that really only had to flick in his direction to make his shaft slick with precum, or that voice…a voice that could make him come on command.

But then yesterday…all the talking and little things they did that didn’t involve fucking. It was completely new territory for Dean and if he really let himself be honest, he wanted more.

“Dean! Shir—” Sam stopped when Dean walked out of his room. Sam looked at Dean’s chest and Dean looked down delighted. Cas’s “tattoo” was still there. It even looked good with his boobs and he wished he could wander around topless. “When did you get that?” Sam came up and touched Dean’s skin lightly.

“It’s sharpie” Dean was proud, he had no idea how Cas had shaded so well but it was awesome to look at.

“Did he do this?”

“Yeah, Cas wants to be an artist.”

“Well he’s got the talent.” Dean beamed and went to put a bra on. He wouldn’t wear a shirt but the neighbors had complained a few times, and while Dean wanted to tell them he was a human being and could wear whatever the fuck he wanted, he didn’t want Sam having a reputation for bringing home trashy girls, that was his M.O.

“Well I’m off to study.”

“Sam,” Dean didn’t hold the joking tone he usually had, “There’s more to life than studying—she wouldn’t have wanted you—”

“I know, but I have a major mock trial to prep for and you know how competitive I am.” Dean nodded, he didn’t want to push his brother when he saw the large shoulder twitch.

“Hey I’m gonna come with you,” Dean said shocking Sam, “I wanna get some books.”

“You books? You know they don’t have playboy or playgirl.”

“Bite me. I wanna get some cookbooks.” Sam didn’t argue with that, he could read the look in Dean’s eyes easily. It was the look he got before making twenty different spaghetti sauces to see which one was the best.

“What’s it this time? Steak? Ribs?” He hoped it wasn’t seafood, that nearly broke the bank and he could feel himself turning green remembering how many bites of lobster he had to endure.

“Pie, I wanna learn desserts.”

***

“Cassie just call him!” It was Wednesday night of the second week Dean was gone and Cas was driving Gabe up the fucking wall. He was surly, he threw himself into his painting, and didn’t bother to care if he made a mess. He and Gabe had gotten a three bedroom house and once Gabe had enough money he’d built a sun room on the back of the house for Cas’s studio.

Gabe had tried over and over to get Cas to sell something or at least do the cover art for his books but Michael had convinced Cas he would never sell. Gabe was glad that ass hat was gone. He hated seeing Cas sad, but Cas always settled, he never asked for anything and people took advantage. But now Gabe didn’t care about his baby brother’s feelings he wanted him out of this pissy mood. Gabe had loved how quiet the house had gotten; he fell out of his bed three and a half weeks ago and rushed to his brother’s closed door when he heard shouting. But once he got there…that was not the sound of distress he heard, he thought he was listening to an adult movie with the noises those two men made. And the guy Kept. Coming. Back. So Gabe had to get earplugs and thank karma that the local library was open late and didn’t mind that he brought a pillow.

“Castiel. Call. Him. Please!” Gabe fell to the floor and held the phone in front of him.

“I already did, his brother answered, at least I think it was his brother…” the voice had been deep but oddly familiar, “He said Dean forgot his phone.” Gabe huffed in frustration, he needed his damn sleep. With his new sex toy Cas sounded like a porn star and without him Cas blasted hard rock in his studio until Gabe threatened to call the cops, yes Castiel on his own house.

“Well go over to his place, steal a shirt, do his brother, I don’t care just settle down! You never acted like this with Michael.”

“Yeah well Michael was an ass and Dean is—” Cas slumped in a chair.

“Wait _Dean_ got you over Michael, I’m coming with.” He grabbed his keys and pulled his brother up. “C’mon baby bro, you’re introducing me to your boyfriend.”

“He’s not, it’s just sex.” Gabe’s eyes got even wider.

“Casual sex and Michael’s an ass. Oh yeah I’m so meeting him.”

They drove to Dean’s apartment and Cas got really excited when he saw Dean’s motorcycle out front. Before they could get out a black Chevy Impala pulled up to the apartment and a man and woman got out. They both seemed familiar but Cas couldn’t place them.

“Oh hello,” Gabe said under his breath looking at the mouthwatering tall man. Cas glanced over and saw Gabe looking and hoped maybe Gabe and the woman could hit it off. He didn’t know about his brother’s sexuality, Gabe never brought anyone home and he didn’t talk about it. Before Gabe could stop him he jumped out of the car, if that woman was single he was going to get his brother a date if it killed him.

“Hey!” he said waving and causing the man to turn. The woman was getting a bag out of the car and didn’t hear him.

“Sammy did we get enough butter, I can’t remember—” She cut herself off when she saw Cas.

“Hi, I’m Cas,” He held his hand out, the woman was incredibly beautiful with awesome green eyes and sandy hair. She looked so familiar—

“Cas, wait, Cas? Cas?” The tall man looked at the woman and she nodded slightly. “Well I’m Sam, Dean’s brother,” he grabbed Cas’s hand when the woman made no move toward him. They both looked at her as she shuffled her feet.

“I’m James Dean’s…”

“Twin sister.” Sam finished.

“That’s an unusual name,” Gabe had finally made it to them, “James for a girl.”

“Oh, uh, our dad, James Dean, I was supposed to be a boy…but it just sorta stuck.” She was nervous as she glanced at Cas who frowned.

“Dean never mentioned he had a sister,” he glanced at Sam, “a brother, yes, but no sister.”

“I’m um kind of the black sheep of the family, I left when I was 15…” Sam tried to look like this wasn’t new information but he was surprised at how easily his brother could lie. He took a moment to look at Cas. The man was built and looked way to meek for Dean’s taste but there had to be something about him. He glanced over at the other one and his heart flipped. The man was a sandy red head and short, he was barely taller than Dean right now but he had eyes that looked like sunshine flowing through a dark bottle of ale.

“Kissing!” Cas said suddenly, interrupting himself. “You two were at the kissing booth.” He flushed at the memory of the woman’s full lips. Sam matched the blush when the kisser who had already been on his mind appeared before him. Dean glanced between the two and knew he was going to have to question Sammy later. Right now it was taking all his willower not to reach over and touch Cas’s messy hair or wipe the bit of paint off his forearm. He kept the paper bag hefted high so Cas wouldn’t see the his drawing, somewhat faded, but still recognizable under his tank top.

“So James, are you seeing anyone?” Dean was confused, Cas said he was gay, but maybe…

James was taken aback, “No…?”

“Good!” And Dean’s stomach flipped hopefully, “My brother here knows all kinds of great places to eat, don’t you Gabe?”

“Castiel.” Gabe growled.

“Don’t be rude,” his watch started beeping, “Shit, I have to go to work and Gabe should drop me off at home, can he come and pick you up tonight?

“If you don’t say yes he’s just going to keep pushing.” Gabe said miserably, he wanted the man not the woman! Even if she was kind of hot.

“Ok,” James said shakily. Sam flashed his brother a comforting glance.

“Perfect! We’ll all have to hang out sometime! I’m really sorry but I have to go.” He walked back to the car and Gabe followed with his head hung.

“Dean…”

“I know!” They got into the apartment and Dean threw his keys down. “Call me a whore, a slut, I’m dating two brothers at the same time!”

“I wasn’t going to say that.” Sam was surprised that Dean hadn’t brought home anyone in the past ten days and even more so when he didn’t go out and get drunk and taken to someone else’s. “This is the longest you’ve gone without sex, and well…he seems important and I just thought it might be hard on you to be set up with his brother.” Dean looked at Sam but didn’t speak. “You’re right I won’t butt in.”

“Do you like him?”

“Wh-what?”

“Gabe. You were blushing when he looked at you and you’re blushing now.”

“Dean!”

“Cuz I’m not going to sleep with him.”

“Why not?” Sam knew Dean screwed anything with two legs and didn’t care who they were.

“Sam reason I didn’t pick up the guy at the deli, or the girl who brought her car in, or the other girl—”

“Dean!”

“It just felt wrong, like I was cheating—” he was cut off when his face was pressed into Sam’s chest.

“I’m so proud of you!” He cooed

“Fuck off,” Dean pushed his brother away as Sam laughed.

***

“I can get my own dates Castiel!” Gabe was fuming. First because his brother was so totally artless and then because he had to accept a date _with a girl_ in front of the guy he wouldn’t mind… He groaned again when he thought said girl was his man crush’s sister. It would take more than a fucking miracle to let the girl down easy and get a good reference over to her brother and in Gabe’s love life miracles were more in the realm of never happening.

“I just wanted to help, Gabriel. You’re always with me or writing, I don’t want you to be lonely.”

“Do you have a thing for that chick?”

“What? I’m gay, remember?” though in Gabe’s ears it sounded like a pretty lame excuse.

“Well, you used tongue on her and the second you saw her you didn’t even _ask_ about Dean. Just seems like you’re getting her as far from you as possible by pushing her into me. But hey I can understand, she’s really hot. Sam,” his breath caught ever so slightly when he said the man’s name, “Said that she and Dean were twins, this Dean look as amazing as her?” Gabe got his answer as Cas’s eyes glazed over. “Well then when Dean gets back have a threesome, you might be surprised baby bro.” He was punched on the arm again and he groaned.

***

“I’m not wearing that fucking outfit,” Dean yelled when he looked at what Sam lay out.

“You can’t be rude on a date, Dean, wearing grungy jeans and a ripped tee-shirt is rude.”

“I don’t give a shit!”

“Dean! This is Cas’s brother, do you want him going back to Cas and telling him you dumped him and you were an ass?”

“He doesn’t know it’s me!”

“But what if down the road you tell him? Do you really want this memory to come back?” Dean glared at his brother but Sam knew he’d given in. He pushed his brother out the door and took a deep breath, he’d secretly wanted this, but he’d never had the courage to do it before.

“Wow, you look—”

“I will fucking kill you Sammy.”

“Nice.” Sam was impressed, the woman in front of him was wearing a knee length grey skirt and tight black shirt. “Charlie did a good job leaving that stuff here for you.” Dean looked in the closet for his smaller sneakers and before Sam could truly get his bitchface on there was a knock at the door.

“Gabe, hi,” it wasn’t until this moment did Sam allow himself to feel truly jealous of his brother. Gabe was in a maroon button up and dark jeans and he had flowers in his hand. He wore a slight grimace.

“Hey Sam,” Dean came around the corner and Gabe smiled, “Hey, uh, James,” they shared an awkward half hug that Sam almost cracked a rib from trying not to laugh. Dean seethed at him before following Gabe out the door.

“You two kids have fun!” Sam chortled, “And young man,” he tried to look stern as Dean looked ready to kill him. “Have her back at a reasonable time.” Dean wanted to throw his shoe at his brother’s fat, stupid face. Gabe just wanted to die right there. He had to solider on, though, and he went to open the door for James, but then he remembered the flowers he was holding. He wavered back and forth before shoving them into Sam’s hand.

“Here.” He said and jumped behind the wheel. He pulled away quickly and couldn’t look either sibling in the eye. They drove in silence for a while before James spoke.

“Brothers are dicks. I don’t know about yours but mine thinks he’s absolutely fucking hilarious.” Gabe laughed at her dry tone and the tension was broken.

“Yeah, just because I don’t bring home a total stranger at two in the morning to reenact the top twenty scenes from an adult film house, I’m the one who needs help. Sorry,” he said quickly seeing the look on James’ face. “I forgot it’s your brother whose the other half of that beast with two backs.”

“Are they really that bad?”

“Oh honey they would make _Heffner_ blush. But I have to say Cassie’s happy so I guess that’s good. Though he’s been a nightmare, so do me a favor and tell Dean to come back. _Now._ ”

She laughed, “I’ll do my best,” Cas was happy Dean could do a flip.

They got to a hole in the wall diner, where the neon sign was only lit up half way. “I know it’s not the greatest place for a date,” Gabe said when he held the door open for James, “But they do the best food you’ll ever taste.”

“That’s fine I don’t date much, usually just sex.” Dean didn’t stop himself fast enough and he caught the blanched look on Gabe’s face. “But that’s usually in a bar after heavy drinking so you’re fine.”

“Ok,” Gave said shakily, he’d agreed to be nice and he was going to do whatever it took to get a good word over to Sam, but he was not having sex with this girl.

“Mushroom and Swiss burger,” Dean might be into making pies but he was still obsessed with burgers and now that he mastered the bacon and cheese it was time to move on to another kind.

“Sounds good, same,” Gabe ordered and when the waitress left they sat in silence for a while.

“So what do we talk about?” James seemed to be at just as much a loss as Gabe. They covered jobs and interests in about fifteen minutes and then the awkward silence was back. When the food arrived Gabe nearly begged the waitress to stay, but he stopped with his mouth open as he watched James.

She was _studying_ her burger. How tall it was, the type of bun, what it smelled like—yes she actually smelled the burger. She rotated it, checked to see if the plate was hot or cold, looked under to see if the bun was soggy on the bottom. She even poked it a few times and when the externals were done she pulled a knife and cut it in half. Then she squeezed the burger to see if juices came out, checked the color and another smell test. Then the cheese and mushrooms were inspected. Finally she brought it to her mouth and bit in. she looked as if she were breaking down molecules and she froze when Gabe was staring.

“I like a good burger?” her green eyes were sheepish and Gabe laughed. “You’re right this is a good place,” James said once they’d both eaten more.

“I’m sure your brothers love it when you do that.” Gabe hadn’t wanted to bring up brothers, but he couldn’t think of anything else. He didn’t want to seem like he was trying too hard to bring up Sam, and he really didn’t want to hear about Deano the boy toy.

“Sam’s used to it, he sees me doing it all the time.”

“And Dean?” Not that he wanted to know about the man corrupting his baby brother but Gabe hat to be polite.

“He does it too, we’re a lot alike, twins and all.”

“I’ve always wondered what it was like to be a twin.”

“Uh,” Dean ran his hands through his hair, he had to get off this subject. How the hell was he supposed to know what twins were like? “Well, we’re a lot alike, we do the same things…Sam says we’re sometimes the same person.”

“Sam,” Gabe said quietly before he realized it and Dean knew he was right when he saw a look of hunger earlier.

“So Gabe,” James turned with an earnest look, “Do you like my brother?”

Gabe chocked on his fries and had to take a few sips of water, “I’ve never met Dean,” he wheezed out.

“I have more than one brother Gabriel.” She looked at him, her eyes telling him to cut the bullshit.

“Yes,” he breathed out.

“Good! Honesty, that is so much quicker than lying. Well I think he likes you too, at least he wouldn’t say when I asked him earlier, which is a good sign.”

“You asked him about me earlier? What did he say?”

“That he like likes you and he drew hearts all over his notebook and then we went to trig class.” James imitated a valley girl voice. “He wouldn’t say!” She broke under Gabe’s glare. “Honestly, man that’s a good sign, when he answers me straight out then not so good.”

“Then I have a chance? I’m sorry you’re nice, but not my type.” She shrugged and smiled, “So Sam’s gay?”

“I’ve never seen him with a guy but that’s up to him, he had a pretty serious relationship a while back with a girl but that’s for him to tell you.” Gabe wanted to know more but he had to be respectful.

“James can I ask you a question?” She nodded, “Why did you agree to this date when you knew about…” his feelings for Sam? Did he have feelings? Or was it a vague inclination? No, it was more thant hat.

“It’s complicated.” She said looking down.

“Uh-huh, and I’m guessing it’s complicated is about six foot with blue eyes and messy brown hair?” She sighed and squirmed, refusing to meet his eyes. “I thought so, you know he’s gay, gay with your brother I might add.”

“I know,” she groaned and hit her head on the table. All Dean wanted to do was have Cas mount him and fuck him all night long. Sure the idea of giving up sex was a good one but in practice…he was glad girls could have multiple orgasms because he needed every one so he wouldn’t go out and feel like a dirty, cheating whore.

“Hey you’ll find someone…” Gabe patted her head when she wouldn’t look up. “You’re just unlucky that the Novak brothers are marching in a different parade.” She groaned again and refused to lift her head. “Hey maybe if we cut your hair and got him really drunk, ooh or a threesome! You, Dean, and Cas,” She looked up this time and glared. Gabe put his hands up in surrender. “Only a suggestion.”

“Don’t worry about me, Dean will be back on Saturday,” though she sounded like she was saying that more to herself than to him.

“Well Cas will be happy, he works Saturday night so tell Dean to come by the house late afternoon Sunday and then I can be gone.” She smiled in understanding.

“Yeah Dean doesn’t hold back, I can talk to him but he most likely won’t listen. It’s kind of fun to be loud, you ever try?” She wiggled her eyebrows and Gabe sputtered.

“I’ve been able to keep my sex life a secret from Cas and that means quiet.”

“Well try it sometime, but be sure I’m not around when you do.” James’ face became serious, “Don’t hurt my brother, Dean might be the big scary one but if Sammy gets his heart broken again I’ll cut your fucking balls off.”

“Yes ma’am.”

Gabe brought her back and before he could say a word she dragged him into the apartment. Sam was watching TV and drinking a soda when the two of them walked in.

“How was—” Dean cut him off by smacking him across the head as he walked to the kitchen.

“Beer Gabe?” He called and Gabe said back a shaky yes. He was in a room, alone, with his man crush and there was a chance Sam liked him back. James returned and threw him a bottle and plopped down in the only other chair causing Gabe to sit on the sofa next to Sam. They sat in silence for a while before James jumped up.

“I forgot I was going to work on my bike for a while.” She went to the back bedroom and came out in baggy jeans and a flannel shirt over her black one. “Thanks for the date Gabe,” she grabbed her beer and when she walked past the couch she hit him over the shoulder so hard he went flying into Sam’s chest.

“My brother and your sister should form a team,” Gabe muttered as the door closed and Sam laughed lightly.

“So the date went well…?”

“Yeah, your sisters um…nice,” how was he going to bring this up? Well James said honesty was the best policy. “She’s not really my type.”

“Oh?” Sam was tense, hell he’d been tense when Gabe handed him the flowers, or when he’d left with his brother, or when they came back and Dean wore a shit eating grin. What if Gabe preferred Dean? Or James? “What’s your type?”

“Guys,” breathed Gabe and Sam turned to look at him, “really _tall_ guys.” He had barely a chance to lick his lips before Sam was on him kissing until he couldn’t breathe. Their tongues and teeth clashed as Sam’s large hands cradled Gabe down so they could lay flat on the couch. Gabe thought he’d died and gone to heaven as Sam rested his full weight on him. He ran his hands through long hair and committed himself totally to the man on top of him.

“Dating,” Sam said as he pulled away breathlessly. “I wanna,” he was inarticulate as Gabe grinded his hips into his pelvis. “I wanna get to know you.”

“Uh-huh,” Gabe nodded when he started sucking on Sam’s neck.

“Seriously, I don’t know you at all.”

“Want to fuck you,” Gabe mumbled into Sam’s chest.

“Besides that,” Sam moaned when a hand reached his crotch. “I don’t want to be like Dean falling into bed not caring who he’s with.”

That was enough to make Gabe stop. If Dean was cheating on Cas…“He sleeps around.”

“Well yeah, he will screw anything and anyone. But that was before he met Cas. Just let them work it out,” he held Gabe’s face as he saw a glare forming. “And you let me take you to dinner,” he kissed an eye, “make you feel special,” a nose, “We’ll get to know each other.” Finally lips again. This time the kiss was slow and sweet and lasted into a wonderful forever. Gabe hated to pull away but he was glad they did, getting to know Sam would be great. They made plans for the next night and kissed one more time at the door.

James was laying on the hood of the Impala drinking her beer. She smiled at Gabe’s messy hair and red lips. She sat up when he walked to her.

“I’m guessing I was right. But remember if you hurt him—” Gabe waved her off.

“Yeah, yeah severing of balls. Relay that same message to Dean, and if I catch him sleeping around he better pray it’s just his balls I go after.” James leaned back a bit but stared straight into Gabe’s eyes.

“Dean really likes your brother, he’s not sleeping around. I would know.” Gabe let out a snort. “I would know Gabriel, the way he goes on about Cas you don’t have anything to worry about he liked him and he wouldn’t do anything to hurt him.”

“Well I hope you’re right.” Gabe waved and tried not to think of his brother, or James’ brother, but rather the brother he’d just made out with.

 


	5. Brothers Are Dicks

Cas had had a shitty night. He had to break up a bar fight, clean up vomit (twice), and then kicked out one of the waitresses for getting high in the bathroom. The owner would have to fire her on Monday. The only thing getting him through was the knowledge that Dean would be back tomorrow.

His headlights flashed on a figure sitting on the stoop and he froze in fear. He pulled his cell out to dial 911 but a familiar voice called his name. Dean rose from the front steps and moved to Cas. His face flashed concern when he saw the bruise on Cas’s cheek and dried blood on his shirt.

“Bar fight,” Cas explained as he folded into Dean’s arms. He breathed deeply the scent he’d missed and moaned when the lips he’d missed even more latched onto his neck and large hands played with the hem of his shirt. Dean pushed them back to lean against Cas’s jeep as he sucked a large mark on Cas’s neck. He moved to the other side when Cas grabbed his face and pulled him in for a passionate kiss. They wrestled together for a while, the kiss making it hard to breathe and their shafts making it hard to think. Dean was so far gone he was rubbing hard into Cas’s hip.

“I don’t think I’m gonna make it inside.” He groaned into Cas’s ear. Cas turned around and started to unlock the jeep door but Dean made it hard because when he leaned down to pick up his dropped keys Dean started thrusting into his jeaned ass. When he got the door open Dean leaned him on his stomach across the back seats but he kept their feet on the ground.

“Dean!” Cas whisper shouted.

“It’s two AM, no one’s gonna see, we just have to be quiet.” He sucked on his fingers and went behind Cas’s jeans to prep him. He undid the belt and zipper just enough to expose Cas’s ass and Cas had to bite his cheek so hard he could taste blood when a finger thrust in. Fingers two and three were in quick succession and Cas moaned when he felt the tip of Dean’s cock at his entrance. Dean had a travel bottle of lube and condoms that he carried in his jacket (old habits die hard) that he was eternally grateful for. Once he was lubed up he slammed into Cas who let out a loud groan. Dean reached forward and clamped a hand over Cas’s mouth and pistoned in and out of Cas’s perfect ass. It was hard keeping quiet but he lay down on Cas’s back and bit into his shirt, the fabric muffling his cries. He reached down to tug at Cas’s shaft and when Cas flexed around him in pre-orgasm he came breathing heavily into Cas’s back. He’d never done that before, come first. _Never_.

“Dean,” Cas whined as Dean lay in shocked silence. He pulled out and flipped Cas over pushing him fully into the jeep. He closed the door on them and suctioned on to Cas’s dick. He licked and sucked and played with balls and returned fingers into Cas’s hole. The sensations were too much as Cas came so hard that he made no noise just threw his head back and flew so high he forgot where he was.

“I’m sorry,” he woke to Dean laying on him apologizing and kissing everywhere he could, “I’m so sorry.”

“For what?” Cas stroked lazy circles on Dean’s face.

“For coming first, it’s never happened before and it’ll never happen again.”

“Dean,” Cas held the man’s face. “You have nothing to be sorry about, you still got me off and I’m glad you were so happy and _eager_ to see me.” Dean nodded and kissed all over Cas’s face tenderly, he paid close attention to the bruise that was darkening on Cas’s cheek. He’d set his alarm for 1:30 and thanked karma when he woke up boobless and vagina free.

“Tell me about your trip.” Cas said rubbing Dean’s back as they lay in his backseat. The legroom was cramped but neither wanted to move.

“Uneventful,” Dean shrugged, “Saw some good Camaros but they were going for way too much.”

“Meet anyone?”

“Yep tons,” Cas looked up, “But none that had the same common interests that we do.” Cas relaxed back, “How about you, anything eventful?”

“I met your brother… and your sister.” Dean ran his hand through his hair.

“Yeah,” he seemed really nervous. “Sorry I didn’t tell you about her, I don’t usually say I’m a twin because our past…”

“She said she left when she was fifteen.”

“Yeah our dad…he wanted boys, hunters, football players, you know? So she grew up a tomboy. When Mom died she had no outlet, no safe haven. So she was a boy. Dad caught her in a dress and makeup when she was fifteen.” Dean paused for a long time. Cas’s hands never stilled on his back but kept rubbing calmly. “He used a belt. She ran away the next day.” No one had ever heard that story, and no one would ever know how close to the truth it was. Dean remembered that night. John coming home early from the bar, Sam sleeping in the next room, the sheet Dean had used as a folded dress, the stolen lipstick.

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“I couldn’t protect her!” Angry tears spilled from Dean’s face, and he buried his head in Cas’s chest. James had died that day.

“Shh, shh,” Cas rubbed Dean’s back as he cradled the man’s sobbing head. He hummed an old hard rock song that Gabe had sung to him (badly) when he couldn’t sleep. Dean calmed slowly and soon was resting his head heavily on Cas’s chest.

“You got her back and she seemed happy.” Dean nodded.

“She comes and goes, she stays with Sammy when I’m gone, it’s hard for her to see me…”

“Well I don’t know why she’d think that.”

“I’m her twin, I was supposed to protect her. Who else would have her back but me?” Dean never saw himself as two people. Never saw himself as a woman, but in the secret dark of his room when no one was looking… He had killed a part of himself off that day and it had taken years, particularly these past two years to help him—no he didn’t want to think of that right now, he wanted Cas so he pushed himself off and pulled the dark haired man up up, “I don’t know about you but I could do with some more leg room and far less clothes.” Cas shivered and let himself be pulled into his house. He knew Dean was evading but he didn’t want to push.

Dean surprised him, when he got to the bedroom he stripped to boxers and crawled into bed. “You must be tired if you had to deal with a bar fight and then me rutting up to you like a freaking teenager.” Cas got down to his boxers and slid under the sheets with Dean.

“I missed you, is that ok? That I missed you?”

Dean touched Cas’s wings, “I missed you too.” He said in a small voice. Cas wrapped his arms around Dean and their legs became a tangled mess but they fell asleep quickly and easily.

The next morning Dean awoke to a slight scratching noise. He blinked a few times thinking the noise might be a branch scraping at the window. He turned his head and heard a hiss of annoyance.

“Don’t move!” Cas had a huge sketchbook balanced on his knees as he sat in a chair. Dean sighed and moved back to his original position on his stomach.

“Cas?”

“Hmm?”

“Why am I naked? Are you drawing me naked?!”

“Do you have a problem with that?”

“No, only that you’re not naked with me,” he heard Cas shift and then boxers flew to hit him in the back.

“Happy?”

“Incredibly,” Cas chuckled and his pencil scratched away. Dean fell into a doze and woke up when a heavy body flopped onto his back.

“Finished?”

“Mm-hmm,” Cas looked happy as he lay across Dean’s back and kissed him lightly.

“Where are my boxers?”

“Had to take them off, it didn’t fit with the drawing. You said you wanted to model.” He kissed Dean again, because why the hell shouldn’t he?

“I guess I should just role with it if I’m expected to date an artist. Just don’t like make a mold of my penis or anything, at least not while I’m asleep.” Cas laughed but his stomach did fifteen flips taking his heart with it.

“Date?”

“Yeah, you wanna? I’m not ready for the boyfriend stuff, but I could try dating.”

“Try dating? Dean have you ever dated before?”

“Counting burgers with you?” Cas shook his head, “Then no.” James had died and Dean wanted to bury her in sex with as many partners as possible and that left little time for dating.

“Well finally we’re in a territory that _I_ have more experience in!”

“Does this experience want breakfast in bed?”

“Breakfast yes, bed no,” Cas kissed Dean again and pulled away, “I want to watch you cook.”

They both pulled on boxers and pants but for some reason Cas “couldn’t find” Dean’s shirt. He just laughed and kissed Cas’s neck and plucked the shirt out of his hands.

“If I’m expected to go topless you’re gonna do the same.” Cas led Dean through the house, when they’d had their two weeks of constant fucking they’d only ever done it in Cas’s room, or Dean’s car, or Cas’s car, or that one time in a car that Dean was supposed to be fixing… Shyly Cas led Dean to his studio. There was stuff everywhere and hundreds of postcards of different artworks and places all over the walls.

“I’m really into impressionism right now.” Cas said quietly as Dean examined canvases, “I want to get the brushstrokes down and then hopefully be able to sculpt them.” Dean was afraid to touch anything, every piece was so beautiful and he saw Cas everywhere.

“Everything here is awesome. You ever sell anything?”

“Oh, um, no one would want this, it’s just stuff—I’m the only one who—” He was cut off when Dean came up and placed his hands on his waist.

“I thought you wanted to be an artist?”

“Well you don’t have to sell to be an artist, Van Gogh…” The thumbs on his hips massaged small circles.

“Yeah I seem to remember he cut off his ear…” Dean leaned in and kissed both of Cas’s ears, “I like your ears… It was just a thought.” He kissed Cas’s bruised cheek briefly and went into the kitchen. Cas busied himself in his studio, which was just off the kitchen so both men could catch glimpses of one another. Dean looked around for food and found enough to make a good paella. He was well into cooking when he heard shuffling behind him.

“Hey Gabe, how’d you sleep, we were quiet this time.” He said cheerfully while Cas’s older brother blinked at him.

“Who are you?”

“I’m Dean…” _shit, fuck he’s never seen me in this form_. “Cas has talked about you and Sam and James…” He backpedaled quickly, “James asked me if I could keep it down so I tried.”

Gabe nodded tiredly and rubbed his eyes. “Coffee?” Dean pointed and once he had a cup with three scoops of sugar he turned and regarded the man. He was handsome, gorgeous Gabe might say if he’d never seen Sam. And he could see the twin thing too. Dean ran his hands through his hair like James and their smiles were the same.

“So you and my brother…” Gabe started.

“So you and _my_ brother,” Gabe shushed him, “And sister too, you gonna try and go after me next?” Gabe spit his coffee out.

“James said she was cool with everything!” He stopped when he saw the same mischievous light in Dean’s eyes. “You two are like the same person.”

“What can I say? Twins. Cas—” he called as he pulled the skillet off the stove.

“So which of you was born firs—” Gabe stopped speaking when he saw the bruise on Cas’s face and lunged at Dean. “What the hell did you do to him?! Is that some kind of fetish that you hit your partner?” Cas used all his strength to pull Gabe away.

“I had to break up a fight at the bar! Dean would never hit me!”

‘How would you know, falls into bed with whoever and doesn’t care, that’s what I’ve heard.” Cas dropped his brother and watched as Dean went pale.

“Who said that?”

“Sam, he said you screwed anyone or anything.”

“Dean walked to the door and grabbed his jacket along the way.

“Dean!” Cas pushed past his brother and ran outside to the other man. Years of getting out as quickly as possible already found Dean shoes on and motorcycle revving. “I don’t care!” Cas yelled as dean roared the engine and slipped his helmet on. He drove off leaving Cas in the front yard. Gabe winced when he heard the front door slam and then Cas reappeared in the kitchen.

“You had no fucking right Gabriel!” He grabbed the food Dean made and slammed the doors to his studio. He shut the blinds too but not before flipping his brother off.

***

Dean almost couldn’t ride straight, he was in such a blind fury. Yes, he knew he slept around but to hear that Sam talked about him to complete strangers… well Gabe wasn’t a stranger, but he knew Sam wasn’t sleeping with him. Why would Sam say that about him? He wasn’t proud…but knowing Sam talked about his worst faults…

He banged the door open and Sam jumped up off the couch. Before he could react Dean punched him as hard as he could across the jaw.

“Falls into bed and doesn’t care who it is? Screws anyone and anything?!” He was yelling and he didn’t care that Sam had blood coming out of his mouth, or that his punch landed him on the ground. Sam didn’t say anything which proved to Dean Gabe was telling the truth. “Is that all you think of me Sam?! I’m just some slut who can’t keep it in his pants and will fuck anything with a pulse?” Sam stayed quiet. “Say something!”

“What do you want me to say Dean? I’ve watched you, and since you were fifteen I’ve never known you to have a partner longer than 48 hours and these last two weeks have been the longest I’ve ever seen you go without sex. How long are you going to last with Cas? Do you really think you’ll be able to not cheat on him?”

“I haven’t yet!” Dean roared.

“And how fast did you jump him last night when you tore out of here at 1:30 in the morning?” Dean’s look gave both of them the answer Sam wanted.

“We’re dating, I’m going to try dating.” Dean said it quieter.

“Dean dating is no sex.”

“I can do it,” Dean said squaring his shoulders.

“Yeah I’ll believe it when I see it.” Dean glared at his brother.

“I could have easily told Gabe about Jess. _Easily_.” He said angrily, “But I didn’t and yet you couldn’t keep your fucking mouth shut about my faults to Cas’s brother.” Sam finally looked a little sorry. “Next time have my fucking back, will you _brother_?” Sam gave a tiny nod, “Cuz I have to know any other pillow talk you might indulge in, what secrets you might tell.”

“Dean! I would never—”

“Yeah, well I thought you saw me as more than just a whore but I was wrong. Just remember I know your dark secrets too, brother, and I can change your relationship with Gabe like that.” He snapped his fingers. “But I _never_ would, I could never betray you like that.” He went to his room and filled a small bag with clothes and the three cookbooks he’d been studying. Without a look or a word he slammed the front door and got back on his bike.

Cas was still fuming. He’d eaten some of whatever Dean made and it was amazing but he hardly tasted it. He knew Dean had experience and he’d let the man know he was ok with that, so why had he run off? Cas grouched again and returned to mixing his paints. His sketch of Dean was now mapped on a canvas and he lost himself in painting the background when he heard a tap on the glass.

“Fuck off Gabriel!” But the tap came again and it was from outside the house. Cas looked and saw grinning green eyes, “Dean!” He went to the door to let the man in.

“I ran away from home,” Dean said lightly. “Can I crash here for a couple of days?” I can stay at the garage if it’s gonna inconvenience you, I shouldn’t have asked, I’ll crash on Bobby’s couch,” he backpedaled quickly and turned to go, but stopped when he felt a finger tug his belt loop.

“Don’t you dare go anywhere.” He pulled Dean back and hugged him from behind. He felt Dean sigh, “You wanna talk about it?”

“Brothers are dicks, that’s all I’m gonna say.”

“Well I’m going to agree with you there.” Cas took Dean’s bag and unzipped his jacket to throw it in the corner of his studio. He’d been too pissed at Gabe to grab a shirt, and after taking Dean’s jacket off he was happy to see the other man had forgotten the same article of clothing. Both of them half naked in his studio was enticing… “While I’ve got you here…” Dean saw the hungry look in Cas’s eyes.

“Dating.” He blurted out, apparently he had the same habit as Cas, “We’re dating.” Cas looked at him his brows furrowed. “So no sex,” Dean was going to prove that he could do this to Sam if it was going to kill him. Cas rolled his eyes.

“Dean you can have sex while you date.” Dean smiled brightly, “Though you usually have about a dozen dates until that happens.”

“Can we have those dozen dates all at once?” Cas laughed and kissed the topless man in front of him.

“No, but we can have two dates in one day.” He pulled Dean down to a stool next to his easel. “Now sit still I want to get your colors right.” Dean squirmed but he obliged, this is what he got for wanting an artist. His stomach rumbled after a while and he asked Cas if he had any food.

“There’s that thing you made over there…” he waved vaguely. Dean was starting to learn when Cas really got into something his eyes went squinty and he tilted his head. The world seemed to fade away from him as he worked too. Dean was fine posing as he sat and ate, he loved the concentrated look on Cas’s face. Wait did he just think “love”? Nope, no, not love, he liked the way Cas looked, hey he was a good lay because he was hot, right? Right.

Cas painted at a manic pace and even once he grabbed Dean’s face and held it close to he could look deep into Dean’s eyes. He painted on and on and Dean was about to ask if he could grab one of his cookbooks when Cas put his brush down.

“There.” Cas murmured and Dean jumped up to see. He was breathless. The figure was asleep on his stomach with his face turned away from the painting. His arms were up near his head and every muscle was painted perfectly. But Dean’s naked form wasn’t the amazing bit. Cas had painted giant wings flowing from Dean’s back. They were huge and the color was the same as Dean’s eyes. Gold feathers were flecked with green and all of it blew Dean’s mind and made him blush.

“Don’t,” he was breathless as he spoke, “Don’t sell this one.” It was the best compliment Cas ever had and he wrapped his arms around Dean and kissed him. He ran his hands through Dean’s hair and they made out like crazy for a while, their warm chests glued together. When they broke apart for oxygen Cas opened his eyes and squeaked.

“I got paint all over you!” Dean shrugged and started to lean in to kiss Cas again, “No Dean, it’s in your hair and this stuff is hard to get out.” He pulled Dean out of the studio and upstairs to the bathroom. They didn’t see Gabe at all which they were fine with and when Cas turned the hot water on Dean suddenly became shy. Why the hell was he shy?

“Take your pants off.”

“Dating, remember?”

Cas gave him a look like we was clearly acting like a stupid child. “Dean I have to get that paint out of your hair and I’ve seen you naked at least thirty times. Drop ‘em.” Dean did as commanded and got under the water with Cas, “Good thing this was acrylic, it’s going to be hard, if it had been oil I would have said shave your head.”


	6. Pie? For Breakfast?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've not updated in a while but the cast is gone, the brace is gone, so I can type now as much as I want!

“I am the worst brother ever!” Gabe wailed when Sam opened the door.

“I don’t know I’ve been a shitty one too.” Sam gestured to his split lip and bruised jaw.

“Did Dean do that?!” Gabe was ready to beat Dean senseless. He wouldn’t last long seeing as he’d never been in a fight and Dean was _ripped_ , but he wanted to punch Sam’s brother.

“Gabe! I deserved it! I should have never told you about him.” Sam pulled Gabe in for a hug. “It’s my fault,” he said into Gabe’s hair.

“No it’s mine, I should have kept my mouth shut and shouldn’t have lost my cool.”

“How about we both say that we’ve been dicks and move on?” Gabe sighed and nodded into Sam’s chest. “Have you had breakfast?” Gabe shook his head. “Well I can’t cook like Dean but I can make scrambled eggs.” Before he could pull away Gabe brought him down and kissed him. It was full of need, the need to be forgiven, the need of acceptance, the need for…dating was great, amazing, Sam was funny and incredibly smart, but it had been a long time for Gabe and he really needed this man. He ran his hands up and down Sam’s chest and the other man pulled him in as close as he could without hurting him. Gabe wrapped his arms around Sam’s neck to bring himself up into the open mouth while pushing his erection into Sam’s hip.

Sam froze when he felt Gabe’s shaft pressing into him. He pulled away carefully and plastered a smile onto his face. “Breakfast,” he said quietly and pulled away from Gabe completely.

“Yeah,” Gabe’s hard on evaporated when he saw the tiny pained expression on Sam’s face. “Is it because you’ve never been with a guy?” He asked as he followed Sam into the kitchen, Sam dropped the bowl he was holding and sputtered.

“N-no,” he was redder than a tomato.

“Then what is it? I’m a sure thing you know!” He saw the crestfallen sadness in Sam’s eyes and his mood vanished. “Is this about that girl?” Sam’s eyes flashed, “James said you had a serious relationship. But she refused to say more.”

“I had a girlfriend, Jess, she—she’s gone.” Sam turned away and Gabe came up and hugged him from behind.

“You don’t have to tell me. It’s fine, I’m here if you ever want to talk.” Sam nodded and cooked in silence with Gabe hanging onto his back.

“You’re right, you can’t cook!” Gabe said as he went to the fridge to find ketchup or hot sauce, or something to save his taste buds. When he opened the fridge he saw a dozen pies all pushed in everywhere they could fit. He turned and raised an eyebrow at Sam who threw his hands up.

“It’s what I get for living with an obsessive cook,”

“Yeah, James really liked to _study_ her food.” Gabe grabbed a pie and settled back at the table.

“She didn’t!”

“She did, is that a normal occurrence? She said Dean does it too, how do they eat before the food gets cold?”

“You’re just lucky she didn’t take notes.” Sam groaned, Dean had notebooks full of notes he’d taken at various restaurants. “It’s nice  to sit with someone and just eat, even if they are eating pie for breakfast.”

“Sorry Sammy but I am not putting those eggs in my mouth, no matter how badly I want to sleep with you.” Gabe winked and took another bite of the pie, “This is seriously good, did James make this?”

“Yeah when she gets obsessed over food…she’s like a demon, I’ve gotten worse scrapes than this when I refused to try something.” He gestured to his split lip, “But that’s what brothers are for, to roughhouse.”

“That must be nice,” Gabe said wistfully.

“You don’t’ have that with Cas? Do you have other siblings?”

“Nope, just me’n Cassie, but we ran away so young, I think I’m more the parent than brother…”

“How old were you when you ran away?”

“Eight.” Gabe whispered and Sam choked on his pie (yes his eggs were that bad that he’d turned over to the pie without noticing). “Yeah our parents died and they were going to put us in separate foster homes. So I stole about two hundred bucks and got us two bus tickets. I can be very persuasive…” he smiled and wiggled his eyebrows. “I was able to get people to think I was fifteen and I did odd jobs and figured out how to keep Cas in school. It was hard, but we did it.” He didn’t want to talk about some of the more seedy things he’d done to keep them alive, or the nights when he could hear Cas crying because he was hungry. Every morning after Gabe wanted to turn them in, but Cas would cling to him and beg Gabe to not leave him.

“And I thought I was brave for leaving at eighteen.” Sam said in awe. “I wanted to go with Dean when he left but I was only thirteen and dad wouldn’t allow it. he would have hunted Dean down and never let him have any peace.”

“Why did Dean leave? You don’t have to tell me,” he said quickly, “But I won’t say anything, I’ve learned my lesson.”

Sam smiled and thought for a minute. “Well Dean’s been…Dean for a long time. He changed around fifteen and that’s when the sleeping around started. He stuck with girls for a long time but then he started bringing boys home too. I covered for him but it seemed like he didn’t care. He didn’t even bat an eye when dad caught him… he didn’t even cry when dad used his belt. He was gone the next day.” Sam never told Dean he cried himself to sleep for a month after he left, or— “Dad used the same treatment on me to make sure I didn’t end up gay.” Gabe’s breath sucked in when he understood Sam’s meaning. “You can see how well that turned out,” he said rubbing Gabe’s arm. “I left on my eighteenth birthday and never looked back. I tried Dean’s cell on a whim and he picked up. He took me in right away.”

“Well he has to have one redeeming feature.” Gabe grumbled, and Sam gave a very small smile.

“Dean’s an incredibly good man, he’s just had really bad shit thrown at him. Really bad,” he looked in Gabe’s eyes, “I promise I would never say so I’m not going to, but Dean’s not had an easy life.”

“So I can trust him with my brother?” Gabe didn’t joke, he earnestly wanted to know.

“Yeah, Dean’s never acted this way with anyone since he was fifteen. He might not be the greatest at showing it but he’s in new territory here. He won’t hurt Cas, I know that.” Gabe nodded and Sam was incredibly grateful he didn’t think to ask about James.

***

“Cas I swear we have to stop.”

“Mmm-hmm, you love it.”

“We’re dating, remember? Grown-ups? Aren’t we supposed to act like grown-ups?”

“Yup. Now shut up.”

Dean sighed again, loudly, and waited as Cas posed him. He was naked and per his modeling rule Cas was naked right along with him. It took a lot but he stayed soft all the while even though Cas’s intense gaze sent shivers all down his body. Cas pushed Dean’s body so that his hands were holding on to a chair behind him and his back was arched. Cas pushed him to the almost breaking point and Dean could feel his muscles burning.

“I’m going to have to do some more weight training if I’m going to stay your model.” He joked and Cas only grunted, he was too far into his creative process to really hear was Dean was saying. He had his huge sketchbook out and was drawing Dean from every angle. After a while he took the chair away and Dean had to really rely on his strength as he kept his position. Cas moved his hands and fingers around so they too seemed as tense as the rest of his body. He drew for a while longer and Dean had to look at the ceiling so he wouldn’t get hard seeing Cas’s back folded over his sketchbook. When his hands started to shake Cas repositioned him again.

“Good thing I’m flexible,” Dean muttered as Cas laid him back on the stool and pulled his legs in all directions. Cas drew again ignoring him as he sketched on. Once Dean even felt a pencil poke his foot and he tried not to laugh when fingers swiped past a very ticklish spot.

“Don’t move,” a deep voice growled.

“Stop tickling me,” Dean growled back. The hands left his foot and once again all Dean could hear the scratching of a pencil.

“Now the face.”

“Oh you’re going to draw my face this time?”

“Yes.” Cas’s voice was jumbled because he had his pencil in his mouth. He arched Dean’s head back and tilted his shoulders. “Can you look like…like you’re in pain but it’s a pleasurable pain?” Dean winced and Cas shook his head. He groaned, head shake, sigh? No. Grimace? No. Deep sigh? No.

Without thinking Cas reached out and grabbed Dean’s shaft, hard. He worked at a fast rated and Dean threw his head back and hissed. The hand around him was iron and the pain was beautiful. Cas raked his nails along Dean’s stomach and the man let out a loud moan.

“There! That’s it!” Dean froze his features as best he could and all that ran through his head was how he’d just gotten a glimpse of what Cas was like when he let go, and Dean could tell (from the precum leaking out of his shaft) that once Cas took over completely Dean would be a wrecked man.

When Cas finished he closed his sketchbook quietly. He put it aside and took advantage of Dean’s closed eyes and silently got to his knees. Before Dean could push him away or step back he took the still throbbing erection in his mouth. Dean unfroze and tried to pull away but Cas put his hands on Dean’s ass and held him where he was. He sucked hard and Dean yelled out, the fantastic pain returning. His hands fisted in Cas’s hair and he could hear a moan around his cock, apparently he wasn’t the only one who enjoyed that little jab of pain. Cas dug his nails into Dean’s ass and got another loud groan in return. When Dean started to vibrate in his mouth he knew exactly what to do. Cas took Dean in deeper and swallowed around him, his teeth grazing at the pulsing flesh.

“Oh fuck, Cas!” Dean came loudly and hard. There was another first, calling out someone’s name during sex. Usually it was “you” or “baby” never a name. Cas swallowed Dean’s cum and kissed up a pliant body until he was standing with Dean. Their two bodies entwined as Cas kissed Dean back into consciousness.

“I’ve never…” Dean said vaguely as his speech returned.

“Been blown?”

“Oh no, I’ve been blown, hundreds of times, no, I’ve never called out someone’s name during sex.” He stroked the side of Cas’s face and this time Cas saw the sadness. “I can’t fall for you.” Dean said it softly and Cas held him tighter. “My life…Castiel if you knew…no.” He tried to pull away, “You’ll be better off without me.”

“Do I get a say?” Cas asked quietly and Dean’s hand stilled on his face.

“Sure, but you don’t know…”

“Drugs? Alcohol? Police arrest? Orgy? I. Don’t. Care.”

“Cas—” But Cas reached up and pulled Dean’s head down.

“Dean,” he kissed cheeks, “I,” he moved to Dean’s forehead, “Don’t,” he moved down to Dean’s neck, and kissed until he could feel the man relax in his arms, “Care.” He kissed Dean’s mouth slowly and passionately. He dominated the kiss and controlled when their tongues crashed together. Their naked bodies folded together but neither stiffened at the touch. Dean was sill terrified of his feelings and Cas wanted to be there for his partner. Dean tried to pull away several times but Cas wouldn’t allow it. It wasn’t until Dean totally gave himself over that Cas slowed the kiss and gently pulled away. “I’d rather spend as much time with you and get hurt in the end than watch you walk away right now.”

“Cas you can’t mean that.”

“Don’t you feel the same? Don’t answer me, just think it Dean. Do you feel the same?” Dean thought about it while Cas held him waiting. If he got hurt down the road but had more time spent with Cas would that be better than ending it now? He looked into Cas’s cobalt eyes, _yes_ his mind answered immediately. Yes. He wanted, no he needed more memories. He wanted to cook more for Cas, try dating (though that scared him), and even share his secret down the road. He found himself nodding and Cas lay his head on Dean’s chest. “We’ll worry about the future when it’s the future. For now let’s go on a date.” Dean nodded mutely. “Oh come on you can’t be nervous about dating!” Cas laughed and pulled away. “Dean after all the things we’ve done you can’t be nervous around me.”

Dean stuck out his tongue, “So where do you want me to take you?”

“Nuh-uh, _I’m_ taking you. Be ready tonight, be here at six.” Dean’s bag was still in Cas’s studio, and he smacked Cas’s bare ass as Cas walked away.

“I think I like dom Cas,” Dean grinned as Cas swayed his hips and walked out. Ok he was nervous, he let out a puff of air and jiggled around before taking several deep breaths. Sex he was good at, hell he’d even go so far as to say great, but conversation? Small talk? What do you want to be when you grow up? Dreams? Parents? Kids? He was at a total loss. How was he supposed to entertain Cas for hours while he kept his clothes on? Frist off he had to figure out said clothes. Then he would have to figure out how he was going to survive the day at work.

Upstairs Cas was nervous. He had no idea where this dominate side was coming from. First it was posing Dean. Whenever he’d had a model in the past he’s always let them choose the pose and he’d never drawn nudes. He’d never asked Michael to pose mainly because he knew the jokes and comments he would have endured.

He had to forget Michael and it wasn’t hard when he thought of the beautiful man in his studio. _Clothes_ he thought, _I need clothes._


	7. So That Was Michael

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I guess I never said the ages:   
> Sam: 23  
> Dean: 27  
> Cas: 26  
> Gabe: 29

There was a shy knock on the front door that made Castiel jump. Dean took in a breath when he saw Cas in a casual dress shirt tucked into dark jeans. And Cas did the same when he saw Dean in a snug black shirt and the cleanest jeans he owned. The shirt showed off all of Dean’s muscles, but not in a vulgar way, but in a silent power kind of thing. Cas held his hand out to Dean and they wound their fingers together and walked out of the house.

“So what are we doing?” Dean was glad Cas was talking the lead, because he would have been at a total loss of ideas.

“Movie, dinner, the standard.”

“Oh, ok.”

“I mean we can do something else if that doesn’t sound interesting enough. I heard of a place…” Dean cut Cas off by kissing his nose.

“It sounds perfect.” Cas giggled and then went to open the jeep door for Dean. “I can do that Castiel.”

“Yes, but on a date you’re supposed to feel important, so I’m making you feel special.” Dean blushed, no one had ever gone out of their way to make him feel special. “So how was your day?” Cas asked laughing as he drove, “This is what you talk about on dates, your day and shit.”

“Ok, well yesterday I woke up naked, got in a fight with my brother, got paint in my hair. Today was long at work, and then I found out that being a model was way less fun than I thought it would be.” Cas froze and Dean took advantage to lean in and whisper in his ear, “And I loved every minute of it.” Cas giggled embarrassedly again, “You can use me any time, Cas-ti-el, just let me hit the gym a few times to keep in shape.”

“Don’t,” Cas didn’t take his eyes off the road, but he squeezed Dean’s hand. “You’re perfect as is.”

 _Well, well_ a small triumphant voice called in Dean’s brain, _special and perfect._

They got to the movie theatre and Cas had a moment of panic worrying what movie to choose, what did Dean like, would Dean resent him if he picked the wrong one? “Cas,” Dean leaned in and offered a supporting shoulder, “After all the things we’ve done you can’t be nervous around me,” Cas blushed and picked out a romantic comedy. Michael would have laughed himself dead if Cas ever told him he loved _You’ve Got Mail_ and _When Harry Met Sally_ but Dean just smiled on. He insisted on buying the snacks, he left Cas to go stand in line so Cas went to the bathroom.

“Castiel?” It was like a bad spell, think him and he appears. Michael walked up and kissed him on the cheek. His glassy eyes were still beautiful and his hair was carefully combed so not a speck was out of place. “How are you? You look good.”

“I,” Cas thankfully didn’t answer because Dean walked up behind them.

“They didn’t have red vines. I mean I know they taste like ass but aren’t red vines movie currency? Like a vengeful curse will be brought down on you if you don’t eat crappy red vines at a movie?” he babbled on frowning down at Cas.

“Michael,” Cas blurted, Dean stopped and looked at the man standing next to them. “This is Michael,” Cas regained his composure, “Michael this is Dean.” Michael’s eyes narrowed as he took in the muscled man at Cas’s side.

“So _Dean_ what do you do?” The malice was dripping and Cas caught himself flinching. Dean didn’t bat an eye, he wrapped an arm around Cas’s waist, and gave a cocky smile.

“Besides Cas? I’m a mechanic.”

“That’s lucrative, you’ll have to rely on Cas’s _arts and crafts_ to pay the bills.” Dean’s arm stiffened around Cas’s hips.

“Oh _Michael_ , I was trying to remember where I’ve heard of you.” Dean snapped his fingers obvious to everyone he was over acting. “Asshole of the year award? Right? Can I get your autograph? You must be so proud.” Michael’s eyes went flinty and he glared at them.

“Oh you two will be perfect for each other, though take some advice, keep Cassie away from the booze, he’s a very ah, _friendly_ drunk.” Cas caught Michael’s meaning right away and he turned an angry red.

“Dude, why would you complain about that?” As he kissed the side of Cas’s face Dean looked Michael straight in the eye, “We don’t need help in that area do we?” He breathed in Cas’s ear turning the angry red into a heated flush. “Are you really saying you needed some alcohol to get it up because, man, that’s sad.” Michael flared in anger.

“Fine get him drunk, he’ll screw anything breathing, or at least he’ll _try_ to.”

“Good thing I’m breathing then,” Dean winked and slapped Michael on the shoulder. The man looked disgusted and walked away. Dean pulled Cas into an embrace trying not to spill the popcorn. “Are you ok?” he whispered into Cas’s hair. Cas nodded, “Well I don’t know about dating,” Dean said as he pulled away taking Cas by the hand, “But it’s ok to punch the ex, right?”

“No,” Cas let out a laugh, “At least not in public.” He felt Dean’s vibrating chuckle through his side and they found their seats. Dean pulled out candy from his jacket pocket and griped more about the missing red vines.

***

“So really you liked the movie?”

“Yes, Castiel, I really liked it.” Dean sighed for the hundredth time, though Cas’s nerves were adorable, his constant second guessing was not.

“Cas,” Dean grabbed his arm as they walked to the jeep. “Stop second guessing yourself.” Cas opened his mouth to protest but Dean wouldn’t let him speak. “You are incredibly smart, incredibly talented, and incredibly hot.” Cas scoffed and Dean stopped him, frowning. “Michael really got you to believe shit about yourself, didn’t he?”

“Wh-what? No.” Cas sputtered though even he could hear the lie in his voice. Dean’s face softened and he thumbed Cas’s chin.

“I will be happy to do whatever I can to prove to you that Michael didn’t know _shit_. But you have to let yourself go and trust yourself, anyone who can’t see how brilliant you are doesn’t deserve to be _near_ you.” Cas shivered at Dean’s intense words and was about to kiss him when he heard Dean’s stomach rumble.

“Hungry?”

“Only for you,” Dean winked and then sighed, “Sorry, once a slut always a slut.”

“You’re not a slut, Dean,” it was Dean’s turn to snort. “Have you slept with anyone else since you met me?”

“No!”

“Then you’re not a slut,” Cas opened the door again for Dean and they climbed in.

Cas got takeout from his favorite restaurant then drove twenty minutes out of town. He grabbed the blanket from the back of the jeep and they had a picnic in the middle of a field and watched the sun set. They made out for a bit under the stars but mostly they held hands and talked. It was so _easy_ that Dean found he could talk for hours and think about sex less and less.

They returned to Cas’s late and still Gabe wasn’t there. He’d snuck in and out in the middle of the day when he knew Cas was still sleeping and Dean was at work. He got the clothes he needed and his laptop and decided he would crash at the library. So when he did finally returned to the house (hoping the two dicks had fallen into an exhausted mess (what a pun! I’ll be here all week folks, don’t forget to tip your waiter)) but when he walked through the darkened rooms the sight he saw shocked him to his core.

***

“Wait, Dean’s sleeping on the couch. The _couch_?” Sam was incredulous. “And Cas isn’t there? You couldn’t have missed seeing him?”

“No, I checked Cassie’s room and he’s there asleep. I’ve actually been getting decent sleep. Even though I have to come late and leave early so Cas doesn’t see me.”

“Does Dean keep his clothes on?”

“I would hope that _your_ brother sleeps on _my_ couch with his clothes on, but I don’t know.” Gabe was on Sam’s couch, it was Wednesday and after a week and a half still neither pair of brothers were speaking to one another. So Gabe went to Sam’s and Dean stayed at Cas’s.

“Huh, what did your bother do to him?”

“No idea, but I would rather not talk about brothers for the moment.” Gabe kissed Sam’s cheek and rested his head on a large should. He’d been careful not to initiate anything really sexual since Sam had mentioned Jess. It frustrated Gabe to no end, but hurting Sam would have been far worse. “Can I stay here tonight? No sex,” he held up his hands, “It would be nice just to get a full night’s sleep without getting home late and sneaking off early.”

“Sure,” Sam hid his nerves by kissing Gabe’s nose, “But you won’t need the couch.”

“Oh hell yeah,” Gabe kissed Sam and pushed him into the couch so he could straddle him and then Sam’s hands went into light sandy hair. The kiss was furious and passionate and Gabe let Sam take the lead. Soon he was shirtless and his belt and jeans were undone.

“Stop,” Sam moaned into Gabe’s chest. He’s been sucking Gabe’s nipple but froze when he felt Gabe’s hands pulling at his shirt. “Stop Gabriel,” he tried to say it less harshly but Gabe’s hands still froze. “I don’t like taking my shirt off.” He caressed Gabe’s face and chest.

“Ok,” Gabe whispered, he kissed Sam lightly, “Ok,” he said again still kissing. “Ok,” he groaned when a hand slid behind his boxers. “Oh Sammy, you don’t have—ah…oh,” he rolled his hips into the huge hand. The sensations were amazing, and Sam was a strong partner as Gabe bucked into him. He latched on to Sam’s neck and sucked dark hickies as Sam grabbed him swiping up and down. Gabe threw his head back and yelled when he came.

“Well I’ve never been loud before.” He was curled into Sam’s chest.

“So that was good?”

“Sam I think the evidence of how good that was is all over your hand.” Gabe shifted uncomfortably. “Speaking of, can I borrow some boxers?” He moved off Sam’s lap and went to the bathroom.

“Oh yeah,” Sam went to his room and pulled a pair out. When he turned to go to the bathroom Gabe was there. Naked. Naked in his room and Sam wanted to pull him down on the bed and fuck him into forever.  But fucking meant no clothes and no clothes meant scars and Sam wasn’t ready to see the pity in Gabe’s eyes. He didn’t want to see Gabe look at him differently, everyone always did. He wanted, even if it was only for a short time longer, for Gabe to look at him like a man, not the broken thing that he was.

“Uh, Sam? Boxers? Not unless you want me to stay like this?” Gabe did a few poses and Sam couldn’t help but laugh. He threw the boxers and they hit Gabe in the face.

“Rude!” Gabe pouted which only made Sam laugh harder.

“I can’t remember the last time I laughed that hard.” Sam finally said and Gabe cackled.

“Oh really?” He tackled the taller man and brought him down on the bed and started tickling everywhere. Sam roared with laughter and tried to push Gabe off but the smaller man was surprisingly strong. Gabe finally relented when he saw Sam gasping for breath. They both flopped on the bed breathing heavily.

Gabe got up and pulled on his pants over Sam’s boxers. “Where’s my shirt?”

“Does it matter?”

“Not really, but if you’re uncomfortable with shirts off…”

“No! No, it isn’t that—I have body issues?” Gabe gave him a funny look and went over to trace the muscles on Sam’s chest through the shirt.

“I don’t think you have to worry about that.”

“Shut up,” Sam might have knocked Gabe’s hand away playfully but that hand was dangerously close to the edge of a scar.

“Seriously Sam,” Gabe straddled Sam’s thighs, his arms resting on broad shoulders. “You have nothing to worry about, you have nothing to worry about, you could have a tail and I wouldn’t care.” Sam smiled, “But you don’t have to tell me. I’ll be here.” He walked out to the living room and froze. Dean and Cas were sitting on the couch, Dean looked like he was trying not to laugh and Cas determinedly stared at the wall. He glanced up and took in Gabe’s shirtless form and blanched.

“Can I speak with you, outside?” His gravelly voice was even lower and Gabe ducked his head.

“You’re gay? Gabriel you could have told me!” Cas hissed, “Fucking hell man, I’m gay did you think I wouldn’t understand?” He slit his eyes staring at Gabe. “Do you like not being gay, is that what this is all about?”

“No Castiel, I just never told you because—”

“Because being gay is wrong?!”

“No! Because I’ve always been the parent. Since you were five all I’ve been is mother and father and I got so used to being the parent I put myself aside. I never told you about my sex life because I wanted you to think I didn’t have a sex life. I didn’t want you to worry if I broke up with someone, or had a one night stand, or casual sex. I just—” Gabe stopped under the intense stare his brother gave him.

“Gabriel that has got to be the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.”

“Well when you put it that way…” and all it took was one look and they were laughing they had to hold onto each other’s shoulders to remain upright. They had tears rolling down their cheeks and when they finally calmed down Cas started giggling again.

“What?”

“I set you up with James. If I’d known I would have pushed you into Sam.”

“That’s what she did, literally!” He and Cas lost it again and when they quieted Gabe pressed on, “Though I still think you have a thing for her.”

“I’m with Dean, remember?”

“Ah yes, _Dean_.”

“He’s not a bad guy.”

“Everyone keeps telling me that.”

Dean watched as Gabe followed Cas outside and Sam came out of his room.

“So you’re dating?” Sam said.

“Yeah,” Dean was proud, he’d refrained from sex for a week and a half and then taking into account the two weeks before that, he’d made it almost a month. He was a fucking grown up.

“I heard you’re sleeping on a couch.”

“Yeah, it’s kind of nice to say goodnight to someone and walk away knowing you’ll get to see them the next day…” Dean trailed off.

“Have you told him?”

“No, maybe next change,” Dean looked at Sam’s shirt. “You gonna tell Gabe?” His voice was full of compassion.

“In a while, I like that he looks at me like I’m not damaged and broken.” Dean’s face broke as he pulled his brother into a hug.

“You’re not damaged _or_ broken Sammy.” Dean whispered. “If anyone is it’s me.”

“Dean…”

“I don’t want to start.” He pulled away as Cas and Gabe walked in laughing. “Me’n Cas wanted to see if the two of you were hungry.”

“Are you cooking?” Sam asked a little too eagerly he’d exhausted his recipe book of hamburger helper cooking for Gabe.

“Sure, what do you want Sammy?”

“Chili.” Dean smiled at their private joke, it was the first thing Dean cooked for Sam when he arrived at 18 and Dean was so nervous he’d burnt almost everything.

“That was amazing.” Gabe cried when he’d finished his second bowl. “Is there any pie left?”

“You guys ate my pie?!” Dean was incredulous, he hadn’t had a chance to take notes on those pies yet.

“It was that or Sam’s eggs and I was _not_ eating those again.” Dean winced, for a brief, very brief, time Sam insisted he help with the cooking since he wanted to be of use and Dean would remember those eggs for _years_. “Besides,” Gabe remembered “I thought your sister made those pies…”

“Oh yeah, but I was going to, uh, check her work, see if she made them right.”

“Uh-huh I can see what you mean by obsessive cook.” Gave winked at Sam, “But that is _nothing_ compared to living with an artist.”

“Hey!”

“Sush Cas,” Dean leaned forward he wanted to hear more.

“Well anytime the mood takes him he has to draw. Any time.” Sam and Dean’s eyes widened when they understood what Gabe was hinting at as Cas hid his face in his hands. “And I had to put sketchbooks in every room of the house because if there wasn’t paper Cassie here would draw on anything. Himself, toilet paper, the wall…having to explain why a bowl of fruit was drawn on the bathroom wall to the landlord was _fun_. And he leaves his brushes everywhere!” Cas was pink and Gabe was loving it.

“And what about other models?” Dean was curious about the people who had come before him.

“What other models? Cas goes to the open sessions at the gallery sometimes, but he’s never brought a model home…why? Did you?” Gabe turned on Cas, “Did you draw him?” Cas gave a tiny nod. “Well, well, _Michael_ wouldn’t even do that.”

“You never drew Michael?” Dean looked at Cas who nodded again. “Well good, I’m glad. That ass hat wouldn’t have looked good anyway.” Dean relayed the date at the movies and Sam laughed, but Gabe was impressed. Dean was rising in his esteem more and more. Then the icing on the cake—

“Well Cas and I are going to head back to Cas’s you two have a good night.” Dean slapped Gabe on the back and sent him flying into Sam’s chest. “And Gabe,” he turned at the door when Gabe recovered, “Do me a favor and shay here all night. I want to actually sleep the whole night through without waking up to hear you creep in or sneak out. And remember, hurt him? Severing of balls.”

“Dean!” Sam yelled, but Gabe frowned those were the exact words he’d said to James…must be a twin thing.


	8. Did We Date Enough?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smut. Pretty much just smut.

“You didn’t!”

“I did, I got Gabe to do the airplane thing with the spoon until I was 12! He still does it if I act petulant a the table.” Dean laughed.

“I guess I did the airplane with Sam when he was little too. Our dad kind of lost it after mom died so I had to raise Sam.”

“Is that when you learned you liked to cook?”

“Oh hell no, Dad wouldn’t have approved. He always said if you were just going to shit it out anyway what was the point spending so much time on it.” Cas rubbed Dean’s arm as they sat on the couch watching a movie. Gabe was at Sam’s so they had the house to themselves. Dean yawned, it was late and he had the change tomorrow night. “Listen Cas,” Cas looked up. “I have to go away again,” he kissed pouting lips. “But I won’t be gone for long, and I was wondering if I could ask you a favor…” Dean kenw this was idiotic, it was so far past the realms of stupid there was no word for it, but he was beyond caring. “James is going to stop by and I was hoping…she doesn’t know anyone here besides Sammy and…”

“You want me to take your sister out on a date?”

“Well you don’t have to date her, but show her around town, you know…”

“I can do that, and hey!” Cas’s eyes brightened, “You said the two of you don’t get along, I’ll talk you up!” Dean gave a half grin.

“That sounds great.”

“So where’re you going? Another car show?’

“No, uh,” Dean had worked out a story that should buy him a few turns, “James is a mechanic too and she works in this hick ass town way up in the mountains and I go up there every few weeks and we trade. She comes here to work at Bobby’s, get the big town experience for a while and I get away from everything and be quiet for a bit.”

“Sounds nice, you’ll have to take me up there sometime.”

“Oh, uh you wouldn’t like it wilderness everywhere, all the locals have married their siblings.”

Cas made a face, “Well, I like the wilderness part, you don’t have to take me.” He said reading Dean’s face. “It was just a thought.”

“Nah, I’ll take you, one day.”

“And you won’t forget your phone this time?”

“Oh yeah, sorry about that. I usually don’t take it because there’s no service, I can sometimes text but calls are out of the question.”

“Well then we’ll text.” Cas kissed him lightly and filled more passion into the kiss. He pushed Dean down so that they were lying on the couch with Dean on the bottom. He squeezed Dean’s thighs with his knees as he slipped his tongue into Dean’s mouth. Large hands slid into his back pockets to squeeze his ass and Dean hummed in anticipation as Cas rubbed his hips down.

“We should…” Cas said between kisses.

“Stop?” Oh hell he didn’t want to do that.

“Move to my bedroom.”

“Oh fuck yes.” Dean stopped in self-doubt, “Did we date enough?”

“Dean when you have sex the dating doesn’t stop.”

“Oh good, I like dating you.” Cas felt his heart pound with joy.

“Good, I like dating you.”

“Ok, sex?”

“Sex.” They tore up to Cas’s room and clothes went flying, and soon they were naked and grinding on the bed.  When precum started coming out of Dean Cas smirked against his lips. He wanted to play this little game ever since Dean had said he never came first. He started sucking down Dean’s body until he reached the perfect red shaft. He tugged a little at the hair at the base of the cock and got a moan in reward,

“Do you want me to touch you Dean?”

“Y-yes,” Dean moaned out.

“Where? Here?” Cas tugged hair again. Dean whimpered, “Here?” Cas bit the bone protruding at Dean’s hip.

“Please Cas.”

“Can’t help you if you don’t tell me where,” hands grabbed his face and pushed him to the throbbing cock, and Cas opened his mouth to take Dean in completely. He went slowly but the hands on his head pushed him to move faster, and Cas was more than happy to oblige. He opened his mouth and throat as Dean thrust into him, and he ended up doing hardly any work at all as the other man pistoned in and out of his mouth.

He swallowed a few times and that was enough to send Dean close to the edge. Cas reached up and played with Dean’s nipples and the added sensation was too much.

“Fuck Cas!” Cas swallowed as he felt the hands on his head relax and fall to the sweaty man’s sides.

“I am nowhere _near_ done with you Winchester,” Cas whispered as he got back up to Dean’s ear. He felt a shiver, but he let the man rest for a few minutes, if he was going to accomplish what he wanted this was going to take time. He only hoped his cock would understand as he rubbed its base.

When Dean had had his rest Cas pushed him on his left side. He straddled Dean’s left leg while he brought the right up in his arm to wrap around his hip. He then lubed up his fingers and started working Dean open. His hands weren’t quite as large as Dean’s but they did the trick when Dean started shouting out and his cock twitched and began to rise. Cas slid three fingers in and Dean was long gone in his shouts and moans. It was hard to tell exactly what he was saying but Cas distinctly heard his name over and over again.

He rolled a condom on and holding Dean’s leg high on his hip he thrust in. Dean yelled and his entire body arched in pleasure. Cas thrust a few times but he wanted to get Dean off so when he was sure he was hitting Dean’s prostate he kept a steady medium rhythm and started stroking Dean’s shaft.

“’Oh fuck Cas, fuck Cas, fuck Cas.”

“That’s what I’m doing Dean.” But Dean was so lost in pleasure to really take in Cas’s dry tone. It was getting difficult not to speed up but Cas just kept reminding himself this was all for Dean. He could feel Dean start to constrict around him so he sped up his hand job. He flicked his fingers over Dean’s tip and then pressed two fingers at the base just below Dean’s balls and that was it. Dean shot out with a roar almost taking Cas with him.

Again he pulled away and again Dean lay in a haze of lust and sweat. It was getting painful for Cas, so he thought of everything he could to soften his erection, not will it away completely , but just make things easier. He succeeded and was able to give Dean more minutes of rest. When the time came he straddled Dean’s head facing down so he could lay across Dean’s chest when the time came.

“Dean,” he had to call out to wake the man from his haze. When that didn’t work he raked his nails across Dean’s stomach and got a groan and cock twitch in reward. Cas dipped his cock so it was just at Dean’s lips and Dean sucked him hungrily. His hands went to Cas’s hips and Cas knew he didn’t have long. Fortunately Dean was already semi-hard and all Cas had to do was dig his nails into Dean’s ass a few times before he could take the man into his mouth for a second time. He could hardly think straight as a tongue ran the length of his shaft and fingers went to tease his hole. He pulled Dean in deeper and pulled his teeth along the cock in his mouth and he felt a groan around his own erection. They both started moving in rhythm, Cas would thrust down and Dean would thrust up. It was so amazing to feel himself being swallowed around as Cas swallowed around Dean. And with that thought he came, he pulled on Dean’s hair which was enough to send him over the edge too.

Dean was utterly exhausted and never noticed when Cas cleaned them up and the bed too. He was already in a deep sleep when Cas got back tot the bed and snuggled into him feeling mighty proud of himself.

Cas woke to constant kisses all over his face. “Mmm, what are you doing?” He mumbled.

“Thanking you.” Dean mumbled between kisses, “That was the greatest night of my life.” Cas smiled lazily and opened his eyes and was met with shining green ones. “I told you.” Dean said kissing him.

“What?”

“That if you let yourself go it would be the best sex of my life.” Cas blushed deeply and tried to hide his face in his hands, but Dean wouldn’t let him. “Why aren’t you proud? I think maybe five times in my life I’ve ever come twice in a night,” he kissed Cas as he lay on his stomach on Cas’s chest, “Never three times, give me a heads up and we could get that number higher.” He winked and Cas blushed. “We’ll see if we can get your number up too.” Dean whispered in Cas’s ear that made the man shiver.

“Cas!” Gabe was yelling as he walked up the stairs. He barged in and flinched at the two naked men. “Stop leaving your clothes around!” He threw a mess of fabric at them. “And stop being naked with my brother!” he called back.

“Only if you promise not to get naked with my brother!” Dean called after, and Gabe poked his head back in.

“No promises, he’s just _so_ mouthwatering!” He wiggled his eyebrows and Cas groaned.

“I think I liked it better when I didn’t know my brother had sex.” Cas stroked the side of Dean’s face. “What time do you have to leave?”

“Uh, six?” He grinned at the look of heat in Cas’s eyes. They were at a pretty good level of lust when Gabe banged on the door.

“I swear to heaven if you two dicks are fucking I’m coming in with a bowl of ice water!” They laughed and Gabe stomped away.

They ended up lying naked all day just talking. They put on clothes long enough to go down and have Dean cook something and Cas to grab his sketchbook. He drew Dean’s face and hands and feet and everything else. He would sketch and Dean would talk. They hated parting at six but Dean knew if he didn’t leave then he would stay forever.

“I’ll see you soon.” He kissed Cas and hugged him. “And you’re still good about James?”

“Yeah, I’ll make her see your amazing side.”

“I thought all my sides were amazing?”

“Hmmm _maybe_ ,” Dean laughed and pinched Cas’s side. He kissed lips one more time and pulled away.

“I’ll miss you,” he said quietly squeezing fingers and he walked away. Cas wouldn’t say it out loud, not yet, but he was beginning to fall for that imperfect, perfect man.


	9. How To Date A Castiel

“ _Dean_!”

“ _Sam_!” Dean matched Sam’s irritated tone. He was in his room looking at different outfits. He’d been texting Cas for a week as Dean and Cas had called James to set up an outing.

“Do I even need to start at how stupidly dangerous this is?!”

“Nope,” Dean tried to decide what tee-shirt to wear. Cas had hinted that they were going someplace special. So Dean was in a pale yellow skirt and he decided on an emerald green shirt that Charlie had said brought out his eyes. He looked into Sam’s worrying eyes. “It’s going to be fine, I just…I want to spend time with him.” He said quieter. “Let him get used to me in this form…” Sam softened.

“Dean…” He was saved by a knock on the door.

“Cas!” Dean’s face split into a grin.

“Uh, hi James.” Sam came behind and elbowed Dean hard, and Dean checked his enthusiasm down from 11. “So you ready?” Cas seemed even more nervous than when he took Dean out on their first date. He was in dress slacks and a white shirt, he even had on a tie. He held out flowers and handed them to Dean.

“Thank you,” Dean smelled them, “I’ve never gotten flowers, your brother gave them to Sam.” They both turned on the tall man who went scarlet. Cas was patient as Dean went to put the flowers in water.

“Don’t wait up.” He whispered to Sam. Secretly Dean had other motives than just hanging out with Cas. Cas said he was gay the first time they’d met, but Dean was convinced Cas felt more towards him in his woman form. Hell based on that kiss alone Dean just knew.

“So where are we going?” He asked as they went out to Cas’s jeep.

“Someplace special.” Cas tried to stop his nerves from getting in his voice. She was seriously beautiful, but that was only because she looked like Dean. Right? Right. She fidgeted in her seat just like Dean and Cas took a moment to really get a good look at her without anyone else (i.e. brothers) around. Her eyes were the exact same shape and color as Dean’s. Her mouth too, that must have been why Dean’s kiss felt so familiar in the alleyway. Cas shaded half of James’ face with his hand and covered her hair, and there! There was Dean, the same eyes, the same light, the same lust. Wait. Lust? Cas broke out of his gaze and put his hands on the wheel.

“Museum.” He blurted, “We’re going to a museum.” They both sighed and listen to the radio as Cas drove on.

Dean was glad it was a lot easier to hid how turned on he was as a woman. As a man he’d either have to go to the bathroom or spend an uncomfortable time crossing his legs, but as a woman…he was still insanely turned on, when Cas had tilted his head and squinted studying him in the car it took everything in Dean’s power not to jump him there. He was able to forget his…hard on? Libido? When they got to the museum. He’d never been there before, but it seemed Cas had tons of times. He led Dean through with ease.

“So that’s…”

“Yeah.”

“Wow.” Cas grinned at the look of awe on James’ face. They were standing in front of Cas’s favorite paintings. It was a small Monet and the flowers and colors blew Cas away every time.

“I’ve come here and tried to sketch it, but I can’t seem to get it right. I want to be an artist.” He added after a pause.

“You are.” She said, Cas looked down at her. “I mean I saw the tat you drew on Dean. Impressive,” Cas blushed.

They walked for a bit more, stopping so Cas could point out different pieces. He never tired of James’ look of wonder around each corner and he tried to guess what Dean would look like if he came here.

“Cas!” James took his hand and pulled him to a sculpture. The lines were fluid and curving. There were two main structures and they twisted in and out of each other. “It’s really romantic,” James said softly as they watched the two pieces moved close but never touched. “In a sad way, like they want so badly to be together but they can’t.” Cas pulled his hand away and tried not to think about how perfectly their fingers slotted together.

When they were leaving Cas stopped at the gift shop to see if they had any new post cards. He had at least 100 covering the walls of his studio but they were great inspiration. James moved to wander in another part of the store and Cas’s eyes fell on the jewelry counter.

“Here,” he said after they’d gotten back to the jeep. James squeaked when she opened the box, it was a small replica of the statue on a leather cord. “I thought you’d like it.”

“I love it!!” and there was Dean’s goofy grin as James hugged him. She pulled it out of the box and slipped it around her neck. “How’s it sit?”

“Fine.” Cas didn’t want to spend a long time staring at James’ chest. “So Dean tells me you like to cook.”

“Just about as much as he does.”

“Twin thing?”

She shrugged, “Yeah I guess.” She laughed when Cas pulled up to the same restaurant Gabe took them to.

“What?”

“Nothing, it’s just that the Novak brothers have very similar _tastes_.”

“Gabe took you here?!” She nodded still giggling.

“Forget it!” She grabbed Cas by the arm and slid her finders into his. “You both have good taste, this place has good food and you both dated me.”

“And we’re both dating your brothers,” Cas felt he had to add that at least while he wasn’t pulling his hand away from James.

“That’s where I began to doubt your judgment.” Cas laughed and James joined in. _Dean. I have to talk about Dean_.

“So Dean’s a really great guy…” he laid it on thick and never really stopped. If getting closer with his twin made Dean happy then Cas was going to do everything he could to help.

“Enough Cas!” James groaned into their shared slice of pie. “I’m on the bandwagon, I’m getting the tee-shirt, I’ll drink the cool aid. I’ll talk to Dean.” Dean thought it would be fun to hear what Cas thought about him but hearing how awesome he was over and over again made him doubt.

“Really?”

“Yeah, really,” Cas grinned, they left shortly after that. It was late driving back and when they passed an abandoned playground Cas understood why James wanted to stop. Everything was bathed in moonlight and James ran to get on the swings.

“I never get to swing!” Cas watched her for a while grinning at her sheer enjoyment. She got pretty high and when she jumped off she misjudged because she landed squarely on Cas and sent them both flying back into the sand.

“Shit! Fuck! Cas!” But Cas was laughing under her and she hit him. They lay on their backs in the sand just staring up at the night sky.

“So Dean…”

“Ugh, Cas I said I would talk to him.”

“No, that’s not what I was going to say. Dean just told me there was bad stuff in your past and I wanted to tell you that I appreciate you trying.”

“Yeah,” she said quietly, “Dean I—I for-” could he forgive himself? “I can’t forgive him yet, but it’s better.” She ran her hands through her hair just like Dean did. “There’s a lot of past there. I denied myself for so long…” Cas reached out and took her hand, “I was supposed to be a man, a boy, no dolls or dresses or makeup.” Dean hiccupped, panic rising in his throat, if Cas knew this side of him…he’d started to see this curse as not so bad, he liked being allowed woman things, but how would Cas see him? Or Sam? Or Bobby? Panic really set in when he realized he was nothing more than a cross dressing fag just like his dad said he would turn out to be.

Cas watched the woman next to him fall apart and he reached over and pulled her into his arms. She shook against him like a leaf so he rubbed her back and kissed her head. She looked up at his kiss and his heart cracked just a little bit when he saw tears running down her face.

Maybe that’s why he didn’t stop the kiss. It started slow, it was salty and wet from the tears but when Cas closed his eyes he was kissing Dean. It was Dean’s tongue in his mouth and Dean’s teeth crashing against his. They rolled in the sand over and over until Cas was lying on top. He felt a thigh press on his hip and he could feel himself get hard as he kissed Dean into oblivion. Except those weren’t Dean’s hands playing with his belt, and this wasn’t Dean underneath him. He rolled off as quickly as he could and sat next to James while she lay next to him. She rested her hand on his back to let him know she was there and he sat and thought.

“I’m gay,” he said quietly, “And I’m falling for your brother, _your brother_ ,” he was crushed when he figured out there was no way of this ending well. He would tell Dean and Dean would go crazy knowing Cas took advantage of his sister.

“Hey,” Dean looked at the back that seemed to be carrying 5 tons. “Dean will understand.”

“Yeah,” Cas stood, “Let’s get you home.” He didn’t offer a hand and when Dean brushed against him he moved away as if he had been burned. The ride back was silent and Cas waited only for Dean to get out of the jeep and half way to the door before he drove off. Dean couldn’t bring himself to go inside so he lay on the hood of the Impala until he dozed off.

When he woke up a drunk had his hand up his skirt. Dean punched him as hard as he could and the man staggered.

“You _bitch_.” The drunk slurred, “You fucking whore!”

“Oh fantastic,” Dean slid off the car, his hands forming fists, “I’ve been dying for a fight.” The man lunged and Dean punched again. The drunk grabbed his hair and Dean yelled, he stomped on the man’s instep and flipped him over his back. “Come on!” Dean yelled. He was about to start kicking the man while he was down but strong arms came around him.

“Enough!” Sam yelled, “Enough.” Dean went limp and Sam swung an arm around his shoulders and dragged Dean into the apartment.

“So I’m guessing it didn’t go well.” Sam said when Dean flopped on the couch. Dean grunted. “Do you want to talk?”

“I’m a cross dresser.” It felt so much better to get it out in the open even if Dean didn’t want to see what his brother’s reaction was going to be.

“Well Dean I don’t know if we can count that against you, you are a woman.”

“No! I like women’s clothes.”

“You are a—” Dean cut him off by dragging Sam into his room. He pulled out clothes and Sam took it all in and stared. “Charlie…”

“No, no Charlie, she helped at first, but not Charlie.” Dean worried his lip as he watched his brother. Sam wanted to brush it all off but when he saw clothes in Dean’s male size…

“So you’re…” Dean nodded, “Do you see yourself as a woman?”

“Jeeze Sammy!”

“Well I don’t know!”

“No, I’m a man! I am proud of my penis, and I fix cars, and I drink beer, and I watch sports, and I play football and…” Dean was getting hysterical again.

“Dean!” Sam broke through Dean’s panic, “Are you doing those things because you want to or because dad wanted you to?” _That_ really stopped him. Sam grabbed him for a hug. “What do _you_ want?”

“To cook, and watch _Dr. Sexy_ , and wear skirts, and take care of you, and…”

“And?”

“Cas.” Sam hugged his brother tighter.

“We’ll figure it out.”

“Yeah, but what if he doesn’t want me after all this?”

“Then he doesn’t deserve you.”

“Easy for you to say.”

“No not easy for me to say.” Sam gestured to his abdomen, and Dean sighed.

“Yeah not easy for you to say,” at that moment his phone started beeping. “It’s Cas.”

_Is there any way you can come back early?_ Sam left and Dean sank to the floor.

_I’m here talk to me_ Dean texted back.

_I need to hear your voice, can I call?_

_You can try but it probably won’t go through. What’s wrong?_

The texts had been hard, Cas’s desperation was physically hurting Dean. Then came the text that nearly broke him.

_I need you_.

What was he supposed to text back with? So sorry see you in four days? He waited so long that his phone beeped again.

_Dean?_

_Yeah?_

_I kissed James._ Cas couldn’t hit send, he typed it (hard when he had tears in his eyes) but once he hit that green button his world would change. Unfortunately, his shaking fingers did the job for him. He watched as the message wooshed away so all he could do was wait. His phone beeped.

_It’s ok_. Cas couldn’t believe it.

...

_Say you’ll see me again when I get back._

_…_

_…_

_Say it Castiel._

_I’ll see you when you get back._

_We’ll be ok Cas._

_…_

_I think I’m falling for you_. Dean didn’t type it because Cas had said it earlier. He didn’t type it because Cas hadn’t responded back. He typed it because he wanted, no needed Cas to know how much he meant to him. How much Dean, the man who needed no one, needed him. Dean waited with held breath.

Cas never texted back.


	10. Tell Me About Your Scars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been a terrible author, I'm so sorry for not updating!!! I'm getting near the end of mapping this story and I think my brain has just been "I don't want to finish so here's ideas for a new fic." Thank you to all my faithful readers and don't let me get bad like this again!

It was the Tuesday after the change and Dean still hadn’t seen Cas. He drove over on Sunday afternoon; he might have wanted a repeat of the night a month ago but not hearing a word from Cas made him pause. But he was met at the door by a pitying Gabe saying Cas didn’t want to see him.

“Why? Why doesn’t he want to see me?” Gabe had just walked in the door with Sam after a date.

“He won’t talk to me!” Gabe jumped, every time he ran into the older Winchester he was bombarded with demands about Cas. “He just locks himself in his studio and he only comes out for food and to go to work.”

“Work!” That was a place Couldn’t run away from him, he’d have to listen. Dean looked at the clock and saw it was almost ten, Cas’s break. He left without even realizing he was in flannel pajama pants.

“Must be love,” Gabe shook his head, turning to Sam.

“He told Cas he was falling for him.”

“What did Cas say?!”

“Nothing, Dean said it and Cas never responded.” Gabe groaned and ran his hands over his face. His brother could be a real idiot sometimes.

“It’s Michael, Cas’s ex, he got Cas to believe all kinds of shit about himself. Like he wouldn’t be good enough for anyone, he’d never make it as an artist.”

“And Cas believed him?”

“Well It’s easy to believe whatever the person who’s seen you truly vulnerable says, and sex makes you very vulnerable.” They stayed quiet for a while just laying on Sam’s bed. After a time Gabe pulled Sam’s head to his stomach and he massaged brown hair. Sam was in a light doze when Gabe spoke again.

“Speaking of falling for…” Sam looked up and saw trepidation in Gabe’s eyes.

“You’re not.”

“Afraid I am Sammy.” Gabe sat up and leaned down kissing lips fondly, “No hope for me,” he kissed again, “Save yourself.” The kiss widened as tongues pressed together, “Even if I have to put up with your eggs.” Sam chuckled lightly and wrapped his hands around Gabe’s face. He kissed tenderly and pulled away to sit up. His hands were trembling but he had to do this now, before Gabe really fell for him. It would hurt the other man less if he walked away now before any serious feelings were involved. With a sigh he pulled at the hem of his shirt and tugged it off.

***

“Cas!” Dean waved the bartender down. He ignored the momentary flash of pain on Cas’s face as he chased him down the bar.

“Hey!” A drunk staggered when Dean spilled his beer.

“Piss off!” Dean barked and succeeded in catching Cas at the corner of the bar. “Cas,” blue eyes looked at his and Dean’s mind went blank. “I had this speech prepared but I can’t remember it.” Dean smiled but Cas didn’t. “Oh come on, talk to me.” Cas sighed and signaled to one of the waitresses he was going on his break. It was Tuesday and a slow night so Cas wasn’t worried about leaving. He pulled Dean down the hall and out the back.

“What?” He crossed his arms when they got into the alleyway.

“I, uh, just wanted—” Dean was dumbfounded, what the hell was going on?

“What? What do you want Dean?”

“I wanted to see you! I wanted—what’s the matter with you?” Cas’s impassive voice had an anger tinge.

“Nothing. I’m fine, dandy you might even say.”

“Is this about James?”

“ _No_ why would it?” Cas finally exploded. “I kissed her, a _girl_ , and your sister! How can you be fine with that?!”

“So you make out with my sister and I’m the one in trouble?” Dean yelled back. He’d never fought with any except Sam and he let his frustration out. He had no idea what Cas was doing, what a relationship was, he was lost. In the movies when the guy said he was falling for the girl she hugged him and kissed him, but there was no hugging and kissing right now.

“No! I’m the one who’s the bad guy! You shouldn’t forgive me, you should be telling me you’re falling for me.” Cas was getting louder and angry tears came down his face. “I don’t deserve to be forgiven!” He screamed at Dean.

Dean crumbled and moved to hold Cas in to his body. He pulled as tightly as he could and Cas stayed limp in his arms. “I’m pissed about the kiss,” he lied quietly, “But James and I talked for a long time when we traded on Sunday. She was hurting bad and you comforted her.” He rubbed Cas’s back. “She really needed someone and you were there and that makes me happy.” He cupped Cas’s face and forced ice blue eyes to lock onto his own. “And I told you I’m falling for you because I wanted you to know how fucking amazing you are and how much I want you in my life.” Cas relaxed into the words like a hot bath and let them wash over him. Dean busied himself by kissing away the tear stains and was happy when he felt Cas’s hands stir on his back.

“Dean?”

“Yeah?”

“Fuck me.”

“Absolutely.”

***

“Ok, wow you are ripp—”Gabe sucked in air when his eyes trailed down Sam’s chest. Small scars peppered the wide shoulders but a huge gash covered the lower half of Sam’s abdomen. It ran from his hip and moved up, it was long healed, but it was huge and Gabe was afraid to touch it. He reached out a hand and pressed his fingers to it and traced its jagged edges. Sam sighed under him and Gabe jerked his hand back.

“Did I hurt you?”

“No,” Same gave a tiny laugh, “No, it’s fine.”

“Was this your father?” Sam smiled sadly.

“Car crash.” Gabe leaned and pulled Sam into him. “We, Jess and I, were at a party. It was late, I’d been drinking and I wanted to go home…” his arms went around Gabe to pull him in just to be sure he wouldn’t go away. “Jess wanted to stay, but I said I would drive home and pick her up the next day. We fought.” He paused for a long time, “Finally she agreed and we left.”

“Were you driving?”

“Jess.” Sam whispered, “I was really drunk so I passed out in the car and she drove. It was snowing and icy…” he broke off with a small sob.

“It wasn’t your fault.” Gabe said soothingly as he rubbed Sam’s back.

“Yes it was!” Sam exploded, “I was the boyfriend, I shouldn’t have insisted we go home, I shouldn’t have let her drive…” he wept into Gabe’s shoulder. Gabriel shushed and made comforting noises as he held on to Sam. “When I woke up in the hospital Dean was there.” Sam continued after a long time. “He had been crying, when he told me Jess had… I wanted to die. If I didn’t have Dean I would have.” He remembered the countless times Dean had gently taken the knife out of his hand. “I tried,” Gabe’s hands jumped on his back but then returned to drawing small circles, “But Dean was there every time. We moved out here and started over.” Sam sighed and Gabe could tell he was done. He went limp in Gabe’s arms and the shorter man pulled him down so Sam was lying across his chest. When Sam fell into an exhausted sleep Gabe let out his breath. This was brand new territory for him, he had no idea how to care for Sam. His relationships tended to be one night stands and they were few and far between. How would he help Sam if he had no idea what to do? _Dean_ he thought, or James. They would know. He rested his head back on the pillow and sighed again. Sam was amazing, why did he have so much shit thrown at him?

 

***

“Oh Dean,” Cas rolled his head back as Dean pounded into him. He had Cas pressed into the bathroom wall with both legs in his arms. Cas straddled his chest and his hands scratched at Dean’s neck. Cas was completely naked but Dean was fully clothed, well his pants and boxers were pooled at his feet. Dean panted as his legs burned but one look at Cas’s wrecked form and his strength returned.

Dean chased Cas’s mouth as they panted into one another. Dean’s hands were full of Cas’s ass so Cas had to grab his shaft when he felt the muscles in his stomach tighten. He sucked Dean’s tongue and bit down when he came. The sharp pain in his mouth and Cas spasming around him was enough to send Dean over the edge too. He thrust a few more times to hold onto that glorious felling and then pulled away completely. He held Cas up for a little while longer but let him down gently when his arms shook. Cas caught his breath as he leaned against the bathroom wall and Dean gathered up his clothes. He cleaned up and dressed a sleepy Cas and then pulled his pants up.

“You have to go back to work,” he kissed eyelids that were closing.

“Five more minutes,” Cas groaned.

“Tell you what,” Dean kissed the closest skin he could reach which happened to be Cas’s jaw. “You go back to work and I’ll be waiting for you when you get done.” Cas grinned and looked down at Dean.

“You can’t stay here like that,” Dean finally recognized that he was wearing pajamas. “Go back to your place and I’ll meet you there.” Dean nodded.

“No, wait I can’t Gabe’s there.” Cas groaned.

“We really need to work out a system. Ok,” he sighed and pulled out his keys, “Go to my place.” The key felt warm in Dean’s hand.

“You trust me in your house?” Cas made a face and walked out to the bar. Dean followed him out and gave Cas a quick kiss and left. He felt the cold air on his legs this time and he was glad when he reached Cas and Gabe’s dark house. He wasted no time getting out of his freezing clothes to crawl under Cas’s covers. He’d let himself sleep for a bit so he would be ready to go when Cas got home. In seconds he was fast asleep wrapped in warmth and Cas’s smell.

Cas couldn’t stop smiling at the sleeping form in his bed. He’d gotten home and called out but Dean had never responded. It didn’t take long to find the naked man in his bed. Cas was ready to go when he saw the pile of Dean’s clothes but when he looked at the peace of Dean’s sleeping face he softened. Dean seemed to prefer to sleep on his stomach with his arms above his head and every thirty breaths or so he’d give a shuddering sigh.

“I know I’m pretty but are you just going to stare at me all night?” He mumbled still half asleep.

“Maybe,” Cas said laughing lightly, he took off his pants and shirt.

“Well I’m much better looking close up. Come here.” Dean held his arm up and Cas snuggled into him.

“Dean?”

“Hmmm?”

“I wanted to thank you earlier, you didn’t have to forgive me.”

“S’nothing,” Dean was falling asleep again.

“Dean?”

“Mmm?”

“I’m falling for you too.” Cas didn’t think Dean heard him, his breathing was already deep and even. Cas didn’t mind, he was excited to tell Dean all over again in the morning.

***

Sam woke to hear Dean poking around in the kitchen. Gabe was still fast asleep under him so Sam kissed him lightly and moved to see his brother, pulling a shirt on, there were still things even Dean didn’t know.

“Hey,” Dean had his head deep in one of the cupboards. He pulled out once he found the pan he was looking for.

“Hey,” his smile was easy, but it hitched when he saw the look in Sam’s eyes. “So you told him.”

“Yeah,” Sam nodded.

“Everything?”

“Yeah,” Dean pulled him into a bear hug and they both smiled.

“I’m proud of you Sammy, and how did he…?” They pulled away and Sam gestured to his room.

“He’s still here,” _though for how long…_

“Hey,” Dean read his brother’s worried face. “If he goes he’s the dick. The important thing is you opened up. You talked and that’s good.”

“Gabe said it wasn’t my fault.” Sam said quietly.

“And he’s right, it was a bad mess of shit Sammy,” Sam nodded vaguely and turned to move into the bathroom.  Dean recognized that look and sighed. Someone would have to watch Sam today and he had to get to work. He pulled his phone out and was about to call Bobby when he heard Gabe shift in Sam’s room. The shower turned on and Dean knew he had some time.

“Gabe,” he smacked Gabe’s leg and woke the man up.

“Rude!” Gabe tied to turn but Dean wouldn’t let him.

“It’s Sam.” Gabe sat up hearing the urgency in Dean’s voice. “I know he told you, what did you say?”

“I didn’t really say anything. He fell asleep right after he told me.”

“And he told you about the…knives?” Dean hated that he was talking behind Sam’s back but Gabe had to know if Dean was going to trust him with Sam.

“He didn’t say knives, but he told me that he…”

“He has a balance and you’re tipping it. I’m not accusing,” he said tiredly when Gabe opened his mouth, “I think once he gets used to you and when he sees you’re not going anywhere,” he flashed a warning look, “You’re going to great for him. I think you’ll put him together, but he has days…”

“Tell me.” Gabe was deadly serious.

“Well he hasn’t done anything drastic lately but there’s no telling. He’ll get obsessed, it’s usually studying. Let him go to the library but make up an excuse to go with him, just ride it out once he gets hungry he’s past the worst of it but that can take days and getting him to eat while he’s like this is almost impossible.” Gabe nodded taking it all in. “Listen can you take a punch?”

“Come on, I’m little but I’ve been punched.” Dean gave him a look, “Ok I’ve never been hit, my life is full of rainbows.” Dean smiled sympathetically.

“I’m not saying he’s going to hit you. He only goes after me when he thinks I’m watching over him. He likes you, he might yell but I don’t think he’ll hit you. You good?” he looked at Gabe when the man sighed.

“Yeah, should I…?”

“Act normally, but don’t push him, if he wants to spend twelve hours studying you let him, just be there to watch.”

“Oh-ok.”

“Now, I’m going to call my boss so I can be here today—”

“No!” Gabe was surprised how loud his voice could be, “No,” he said quieter when he heard the shower turn off. “I’m in this, I’m going to be there for this, for _all_ of this no matter if I get beaten up or yelled at, I can handle it for him.”

“Well I hope that you can,” Dean’s entire posture changed when the bathroom door opened, “I’m telling you he draws all the time!”

“Wait till he gets into the paints! Oh and the sculpting be ready to have clay everywhere!” Dean was impressed, Gabe carried not a trace or hint of what they were talking about seconds ago. He groaned good naturedly.

“He already got paint in my hair once, it was awful getting it out!” The shower had been awesome for about five minutes but then turned into hell.

“Well at least you were able to get it out, when he was younger I was stupid enough to buy him oil paints.” Dean groaned again and they were laughing when Sam walked in.

“He mentioned that, who’s hair had to be shaved?”

“His.”

“Oh please have pictures!” They roared again and Sam joined in. when he’d gotten out of the shower he though he heard serious conversation but as he took in Dean leaning casually against the wall and Gabe lounging on his bed he thought he must have imagined it.

“Well I’m going to—” Dean started.

“Get to work?” Gabe said quickly looking at Dean, “Sorry,” when both brothers stared at him, “I basically work at home and Cas works at a bar so I’ve never really known a 8-5 schedule.”

“Right,” Dean said getting Gabe’s full meaning. “Yeah I should be off, I want those pictures Gabe.” He waved and went to his room to change and grab a quick shower.

“So what are we going to do today?” It was subtle but he could see the shift in Sam’s body. The eyes were flighty and his shoulders were tense.

“We—I thought you have to—”

“Work from home Sammy, that’s why I became a writer. All I need is my laptop and coffee.”

“Ok, well I have some studying to do. So I guess if you want to come…”

“Great! We’ll need to pick up my laptop after we have some breakfast.”

“Nah, I’m not really hungry.”

“Ok, well I am so do you mind…?”

“No, we can wait.” Gabe could see Sam fidgeting so he leaned in for a kiss.

“I’ll be quick.” Gabe went to the kitchen and found everything for an omelet. Dean kept his pantry well stocked. Sam was pacing by the time Gabe slid the eggs onto a plate. “Come and sit with me.” Sam sighed but he sat across from him. Gabe loaded a fork and ate a few bites. He then held a forkful of eggs out for Sam.

“I’m not hungry.” Gabe pouted.

“Come on! I cooked!” Sam rolled his eyes and took a bite. Gabe beamed and Sam couldn’t help but smile, maybe if he tried hard enough Gabe would stay. He had to be smarter, that was it, if he were smarter Gabe would like him more and he would stay.

Gabriel saw the mess of emotions across Sam’s face, “Bite,” he held the fork out, and Sam ate without realizing it. So Gabe took four or five bites and then feet another to Sam. When Dean came out of his room and saw the process he could hardly believe it. It usually took a shouting match and black eye to get Sam to eat when he was like this, but here Gabe was calmly feeding him. Dean was wrong. Gabe was going to be fucking amazing for his brother.

***

“Oh fuck!” Dean cursed loudly when his phone rang. He’d forgotten. “Cas, I’m so sorry!”  
  
“Dean, it’s fine, when did you leave?”

“Around six, I’m so sorry, I meant to come back, I went to the apartment and then Sam and Gabe and I just went through the motions,” Dean was stressed about Sam, days like this were always stressful but not being able to watch over his brother was even harder. He was tempted to start texting Gabe just to check in, but he didn’t want to hover.

“Dean, slow down! Just take a breath,” Cas waited, “Better?”

“Yeah.”

“Now it’s fine you left. I’m fine I know I sleep in and you have to go to work. It’s what we get for having different schedules.”

“Still doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck.” He heard Castiel chuckle over the phone.

“Can you come over for lunch?”

“Yeah that should be fine.”

“I think Gabe and Sam are going to be good together.” Dean said as Cas took his plate.

“Mmm-hmm.”

“Sam hasn’t dated for almost two and a half years, but Gabe seems nice, good, you know?”

“You don’t have to tell me, he’s my brother.” Cas settled on the couch next to Dean. “What’s going on?” Dean looked up, “You’ve done nothing but talk about my brother and your brother since you got here, are you freaking out?”

“What? No!”

“Oh you are so freaking out!” Cas nuzzled into Dean’s neck, kissing from jaw to collarbone. He felt Dean relax just as his phone beeped telling him it was time to go back to work. Dean groaned and Cas helped him stand up, pulling him into an embrace.

“Oh! Dean remembered as he slid his jacket on, “Gabe told me about the time you got oil paint in your hair, said there were pictures…” He laughed and kissed a pale cheek. “See you tonight!” He called and Cas swore he could hear Dean laughing over the roar of his motorcycle.


	11. For the First Time

The four of them fell into an uneven, even rhythm. It took four days for Sam to finally calm down and Gabe never left his side. Dean didn’t tell Cas what was going on, he knew that when Sam got through this that he’d not want everyone looking at him with pity.

So they lived, they worked, and they fucked. Well Cas and Dean did, Sam was still too self-conscious and Gabe was willing to wait.

After three more changes they were still going strong. Cas never went to see James and Dean never asked him to. He was shocked, really, that it was working so well. It was Friday into his first week as woman form and Gabe and Sam had gone off on a weekend alone and he was actually looking forward to being in his underwear all weekend. He missed Cas but it would be nice to be alone for a couple of days.

“Dean!” Bobby called, “Front desk!” Dean groaned and pulled out from under the car he was working on.

“Cas!” He choked out when he saw the gorgeous dark haired man.

“James! I didn’t know you—”

“Yeah,” Bobby watched the exchange with delight and dean saw the light fill his eyes when he recognized Castiel.

“You’re from…”

“You’re having car trouble?” Dean talked loudly over the older man.

“Uh, yeah I broke down two blocks away…I forgot that Dean worked here…”

“Well _James_ is our best mechanic,” Bobby said slapping Dean on the back, “She’ll go with you and help you out.”

“Yeah let me get my tools,” He walked past Bobby, “I will _kill_ you.” He said softly and Bobby chuckled. They were out on the street before Bobby could do any more damage and Dean followed Cas to his jeep.

“So how’ve you been?” Cas asked it softly the awkward question would be better than the awkward silence.

“Good, I’ve been good. And you?” She seemed at the same loss on how to continue. Thank God they got to the jeep quickly, Cas didn’t know how much more of this he could endure.

“I got this Castiel,” she said when he moved to help her open the door. She popped the hood and leaned over the car and Cas couldn’t stop checking out her ass. She was so like Dean. She worked and putted around for a bit just taking in the car. “Uh-oh.”

“What? That sounds bad.” James looked up with a half grin (exactly like Dean’s) on her face.

“Nah, it’s fine?”

“You just said uh-oh, when a mechanic looks at your engine,” he gestured to the part, “And says uh-oh, you know something is bad.”

“That’s not the engine Cas.”

“Well I don’t know!” She grinned again and pulled him down to slide under the jeep.

“See this right here?” She pointed and Cas nodded, “It’s supposed to be connected over here,” she pointed to a place ten inches away.

“Holy shit! How did that happen?”

“It’s pretty common in these early model jeeps, parts just falling off.”

“But I have—I need to be somewhere this weekend!” James fixed him with an intense gaze. “Promise you won’t tell?” she nodded, “I got invited to an art show in Chicago.” He said meekly and her face lit up.

“Really?! That’s amazing! I know a famous artist!” She squealed and Cas blushed.

“Yeah, I’m not famous. And I won’t be anything if I don’t get there.” They rolled out from under the car and Cas kicked the tire which only hurt his foot.

“Feel better?” James asked dryly.

“Immensely,” he grunted in pain and she laughed.

“I’ll drive you,” Cas looked at her dumbly, “I’ll drive you Cas. I’ve never been to Chicago and Gabe took his car with Sam so I’ll drive.”

“No I can’t ask you—”

“I’d be happy to, you’re saving me from an exhaustingly boring weekend anyway.”

“No, I couldn’t…”

“Cas I’d be saying the exact same thing if it were Gabe standing here instead of you.”

“Why?”

“Because you make my brother extremely happy,” Cas smiled in spite of himself. “Besides you could waste time arguing with me, or lose at least two hours trying to rent a car, or you could just say yes and let me drive.” Cas nodded and Dean grinned. He’d been thinking about telling Cas on and off (and by on and off he meant constantly) and maybe this trip would be a step in the right direction.

“Excellent, I need to go back and tell Bobby, he’ll come with a tow for your jeep and go to my place for some clothes.” Cas nodded again and Dean was delighted when Cas pressed himself into Dean’s back as they rode on his motorcycle. He packed in about five minutes and then they took the Impala back to the jeep to get Cas’s art. There were two canvasses and one heavy box hefted into the trunk and then they were off.

James waved off Cas’s thanks and threw a box of cassettes at Cas.

“Seriously, tapes?”

“Don’t listen to him Baby!” James cooed as she stroked the dash. Cas picked some Aerosmith and they listened for a while. He froze when “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” came on. It was easily one of his favorite songs, but what would James think listening to a romantic song with him?

“James?”

“Hmm?” She had been humming along with the song.

“I’m sorry about that night, the kiss—”

“Hey it’s fine, water under the bridge. I learned to accept part of myself that night and you helped, so it was good.” She smiled as she saw Cas relax. “Hey Cas?”

“What?”

“Wanna slow dance?” She wiggled her eyebrows. Cas groaned, “Oh come on! If I were Dean you’d say yes.”

“If you were Dean we’d be in the backseat.”

“Oh we are so listening to this again.”

“What?”

“I said you should listen to this with him.” Cas nodded giving James a wary look.

***

“It’s beautiful,” Sam said quietly as they pulled up to an old cabin by a lake.

“Yeah one of my editor friends owns it and he’s always telling people to use it.” Gabe slotted his fingers with Sam as they waked to the dock. It had been a good four months. Sam had only lost it one time after he showed Gabe his scars. He came close to another break down last month when they talked about sex but Gabe had calmed him down. He was willing to wait even if it meant frequent trips to the bathroom when Sam did something sexy like tie his shoe, or sleep, or breathe.

It was Sam’s idea to get away and come here. He told Gabe he just wanted to be away from it all and Gabe was more than happy to oblige. But as the miles dragged on Sam’s mood had gone downhill. It wasn’t drastic and he wasn’t near a study binge but Gabe could tell the difference.

“Talk to me,” he said quietly while he held Sam in his arms on the dock.

“I want,” Sam felt so safe, he was in constant terror that Gabe would leave so when he felt the man’s physical presence it calmed him. “I want this weekend to be special.” He connected his forehead with Gabriel’s, “Really special.”

“Ok, oh!” Gabe got Sam’s full meaning, “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I need to feel more of you,” Sam ran his hands up and down Gabe’s arms and Gabe could see the bad mood ebb away. “This is great, but it isn’t enough.” Sam gestured to Gabe’s arms around his waist. “I want to feel more of you, feel all of you.” His husky words went straight to Gabe’s dick making it jump.

“Yes sir,” he moaned when Sam’s mouth found his neck and his hands slid into back pockets. He barely could think straight when he felt a tongue slide out and lick his neck, he had to stop Sam before he was too lost for words. “Sam,” he breathed out, “Sam you have to stop.” The body surrounding him froze and pulled away. “Not like that,” Gabe cupped Sam’s face. “I don’t want my first time with you on a dock covered in bird shit. I want our first time to be on a bed and special.” Sam kissed the insides of Gabe’s palms and pulled him back to the car. They got their bags and went inside.

“Wow…that is a…bed…” Everything in the bedroom was covered with leopard print in every color and above the bed hung a huge mirror.

“Aaand now I know why no one comes here…” Gabe was horrified, “Why don’t we have our first time on the couch.” He smiled up at Sam, “Couches are great lots of leg room and your eyes won’t bleed…”

“I don’t know,” Sam said throwing the pillows off the bed and stripping the comforter, “Now it’s not so bad.”

“Ok, I will remember that you like black silk sheets and dead animal skins.” Sam laughed and held out a pink and sparkly leopard print pillow.

“I don’t think this is real Gabe.”

“Oh I don’t know,” Gabe said as Sam moved closer to slid off their jackets. “You have no idea,” hands went to his belt, “What can be found,” the hands pulled his belt away and started opening his pants. “In the African safari,” he couldn’t talk anymore and wrapped his arms around Sam’s neck and pulled him in hungrily. Their passion made them forget the ugly room, forget the world. Sam’s hands abandoned Gabe’s pants in favor of snaking behind Gabe’s sweater which the man was more than happy to take off.

They crashed together again once the sweater was gone and their tongues beat out a furious rhythm as Gabe played with the hem of Sam’s sweatshirt.

“You can keep it on,” he said reading Sam’s uncertainty, “But you’re gonna get _hot_.” Sam took it off blushing fiercely and Gabe pushed him down on the bed. He started at shoulders and kissed every scar he could reach. When he got to the huge gash he felt Sam stiffen but he kept showering soft kissed everywhere. Sam relaxed completely feeling the love from Gabriel flowing into him. Before the man could move any further Sam pulled him up and held his face.

“I love you. I wanted to say that now before…”

“I blew your brains out?” Dirty smiles crept up on both their faces.

“Yeah, so you know I love you and not just the sex, which I’m sure I’m going to love too…”

“Sam,” Gabe cut his babbling off with a kiss, “I love you too.” He moved back down and kissed the scar again and Sam groaned when he felt a hand palm his jeans. He hadn’t had this in such a long time, someone else’s hands on him, someone else panting with him, someone else clouded in the fog of desire with him. He got hard easily at the thought that it would be Gabe holding onto him when he came, it would be Gabe shouting out his name, and for the first time Sam forgot about Jess and his never ending sadness.

Gabe could feel his partner relax and thrust under him so he abandoned the scar and started undoing Sam’s pants. Precum coated Sam’s boxers to the point where they were almost hard to get off. “Eager?” Gabe grinned.

“It’s been a long time,” Sam’s ragged breath panted out. Gabe wanted to put Sam out of his misery, and he also wanted to put that red tip in his mouth. He placed open mouth kissed all over the base, Sam’s hips, everywhere before finally moving up the shaft. He licked the slit where more cum came out and took Sam fully into his mouth.

“Oh, fuck Gabe!” Sam arched in pleasure, he’d forgotten what this felt like. Gabe swiped up and down swirling his tongue, but before he could work out a good rhythm Sam came with a shout of his name. Gabe was nowhere near prepared so he coughed violently when white hot cum spurted into his mouth. He was still coughing when Sam came to and patted his back.

“I’m so sorry!” he moaned, “I really wanted to last longer than 30 seconds.”

“S’fine,” Gabe said hoarsely, “You were eager and you said it had been a while.”

“Three years.”

“Three—holy shit I’m surprised you didn’t come when I palmed you!” Gabe kissed the naked man next to him, “It’s fine,” he kissed deeper his tongue licking Sam’s mouth. “I still love you.” Sam nodded into the kiss and let his hands roam Gabe’s bare torso. They rolled so Gabe was on top straddling Sam’s waist, hands were everywhere, feeling skin, running through hair grabbing body parts, basically frenzied and complete with the need to pull the other closer.

“You Winchester’s have _stamina_!” Gabe said when he felt Sam twitch again. “Your brother and Cas got at it all night long!”

“Gabe,” Sam nipped at Gabriel’s jaw, “I don’t want to hear about my brother when I’m naked with you.”

“Dully noted,” Gabe slid out of his pants and boxers and rolled himself back onto Sam. The taller man started to move down but Gabe stopped him. “I want to be inside you.” Sam shivered, “That what you meant by feeling _all_ of me?” Gabe grinned darkly when the man nodded. Sam went to his bag quickly and grabbed the lube and condoms he’d bought yesterday.

“Apparently we’re having a lot of sex.” Gabe teased when he saw the large bottle in Sam’s hands.

“Well I don’t know! I’ve never—” He was cut off when Gabe kissed his shaft. “Shut up.” He slid down to the bed and pulled Gabe in for another passionate kiss, “Shut up.”

Gabe chuckled, “Hey I’m all for using that bottle to the very last _drop_.” He opened the bottle and squeezed lube on his fingers. “This is gonna feel different,” he said as he moved down and opened Sam’s legs. “But if you feel uncomfortable, or you don’t like it, we’ll stop. Ok?” Sam felt self-conscious again. What did he do to deserve this amazing man, oh wait nothing. He’d done nothing in his life that would make him worthy of this awesome being in bed with him.

“Sam?” Gabe was by his side in an instant. “C’mon we’re naked here, can’t get more open than that.”

“I don’t deserve you.” Sam whispered out.

“Well I don’t deserve you either but here I am. Sam.” He said when the man opened his mouth, “Just let me make love to you, let me show you.” Sam nodded and Gabe was between his legs again.

“Oh!” he yelled when a finger touched him where he’d _never_ been touched before. He flexed around the finger and when it started fucking him…each time Gabe added another finger Sam thought he had found completion. Gabe was patient and strong, he didn’t let up and Sam was glad if Gabe had hesitated his self-doubt would have crept back in.

“Ready?” Sam was beyond words so he could only nod. Gabe lay on Sam’s chest and thrust in. When he was fully in Sam he stilled to let the man get used to the new feeling. When Sam’s eyes rolled back Gabe knew he was ready. He tried to keep his rhythm slow, but he wanted Sam so bad, and soon he was shouting out and moving at a speed even he didn’t know he had. When he was close he moved his hand to stroke Sam but the tall man hardly needed him to, he came with a yell of Gabe’s name taking Gabe with him screaming “Sam” over and over. Sam caught Gabe’s lips for a sated kiss as Gabe pulled out. They cleaned up and cuddled back into bed and Gabe was almost asleep when Sam spoke.

“Thank you.”

“No problem Sam, but you don’t need to thank me for something I enjoyed so much.”

“Really? You…that was good?”

Gabe frowned and looked up at Sam, “I know you think I’m going to leave you, that I’m not happy in some way, but I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to stay. You’re stuck with me.” He kissed Sam’s chest. “And there’s no one in the world I’d rather be stuck with.” Sam nodded and let himself fall into sleep.


	12. I Promise I Won't Grope You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize again for not posting sooner! I had three grad papers, midterms, two Christmas concerts, and the flu to contend with but now everything is slowing down! Thanks to all the fantastic comments, I never really saw myself as a good writer so to hear from you that you like my stuff is beyond awesome!

“Well that is a big bed.” They had driven for ten hours and just finished checking in to the hotel room the gallery had booked for Cas. James jumped and flopped onto the huge king sized mattress. “C’mon Cas the waters fine.” Cas was exhausted and all he wanted to do was fall into bed and sleep but he hesitated. Wasn’t sleeping in the same bed as your boyfriend’s sister, what was the word, wrong?

James got up from the bed and stood next to Cas. “Castiel?”

“What?” He jumped, “I’ll take the floor.”

“You’ll do no such thing.”

“You’re going to take the floor?”

“Nope, we’re going to behave like grownups and use this gigantic bed. Oh my gosh!” She exploded when Cas blanched. “What?! I’m some sex starved perv who’s gonna rape you the second we hit that mattress?! You better sleep with one eye open with me around!” Dean was frustrated, yes he understood Cas didn’t know who he was, but damn it wasn’t he at least trustworthy? “Fucking hell man, I just drove all the way here only to be told that I can’t be trusted to keep my fucking hands to myself.” He grabbed his bag. “I’m going to sleep in the car.”

Cas watched her go and she paused at the door, “Aren’t you going to stop me?” When Cas looked dumbfounded she grumbled, “So much for the movies.”

Dean settled into the car and finally found a comfortable spot when his phone buzzed. He’d had to get a different phone for James and this one was Dean’s. He didn’t even have to look at it to know it was Cas. Fuming he didn’t answer the text. He knew as Dean he could get Cas to come out here in an instant, but he wanted Cas to know and trust James because, after all, if this was going to work Cas was going to have to accept James as well.

He gruffed when there was a tap on the window. The front door opened and Cas climbed in looking at the figure who turned her back on him. “James—” Cas had no idea what to say, he turned to face forward and spoke to the darkened parking lot. “I can’t make any excuse for my behavior.” He said slowly, “I’m in new territory here, I’ve never had a friend who was a girl, and a girl who is my boyfriend’s sister.” Dean’s stomach flipped when he heard Cas say boyfriend. They hadn’t talked about _that_. “So I can only ask you to be patient with me. And also to remind you that in the four times we’ve seen each other 50% of the time we’ve made out. Was that a laugh?” He asked when he heard a small noise behind him.

“No.” A small voice said making both of them laugh.

“Come back to the hotel room and I promise I won’t try and grope you.” James laughed in earnest and sat up. They both got out and Cas grabbed her hand. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly and squeezed her fingers. He wouldn’t let go of her hand until they reached the hotel room.

***

Dean woke with an arm slung around his waist. They had gone to bed at opposite ends of the mattress, and while Dean had stayed where he was Cas must have rolled over in his sleep to him. Castiel was nuzzled in tight and spooning him and Dean wanted nothing more than to stay there forever, maybe even kiss Cas awake. But he knew there was a balance and until Cas accepted he was James any overly “friendly” activities would only push Cas away. And Cas waking up cuddling with James would be enough for a separate room.

Dean stayed as long as he could and when he felt Cas stirring he got up and went to shower. He made sure to grab clothes, the last thing he wanted was to scare Cas senseless by walking around naked.

Cas was having the most amazing dream. He and Dean were wrapped together and they were old men. When he started to wake he felt Dean move away, he almost called out for the man to return but his waking brain told him it was James shifting around. He turned and buried his face in a pillow reveling in Dean’s scent as he fell back to sleep.

“Cas.”

“Five more minutes,” he groaned pulling a pillow over his head.

“You said that five minutes ago and if you don’t get up now you’ll be late to the gallery.” Cas groaned and let out a squeak when hands grabbed his ankles and pulled him down the bed. “Up! Or you’ll regret it!” Cas crossed his arms and stuck out his tongue at James. She grinned and leapt on him tickling him everywhere. He roared and reached around to tickle her. They rolled on the huge bed laughing until tears ran down their faces.

“Alright!” Cas yelled, “I give in! I’ll get up!” He got up from the bed and went to the bathroom. Dean lay back on the bed with his arms behind his head, a huge grin on his face. He refused to admit that what he felt pressed against his stomach was morning wood. That would have gone away when he started tickling him. No Cas had had a boner and it wasn’t the first time Dean had felt said boner pressed against his female body.

“I just said my brother is a lucky man!” James teases as she carried the two canvases into the gallery. Cas was a tomato, he’d forgotten his clothes when he went to shower so he was forced to walk out in a towel. He had prayed that maybe James had gone for coffee or was sleeping but oh no, she looked up from her book and let out a wolf whistle. She laughed and turned her back which made Cas more than grateful.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been so jealous in my life,” she laughed setting the wrapped canvas down. “Dean definitely gets it all.” She said softly and Cas didn’t think he was supposed to hear that one. A gallery attendant walked up and smiled at them.

“Castiel Novak?” Cas nodded and the woman took out a paper and crossed three boxes off. “Very good, we’ll get these hung and they’ll be ready for the gala tonight. Is this your date?” She took in James’ flushed face from carrying heavy canvas up three flights of stairs.

“No! I mean yes, she’s my date, we’re friends.” Cas sputtered and James slipped her hand in his back pocket and squeezed his ass.

“Aww come on honey why do you have to shame me in front of new people?” Cas turned red again and let out an incoherent noise and the attendant walked away.

“Gala, really?” James smacked Cas across the back of his head. “I don’t have anything to wear!”

“Oh we can’t have that,” Cas said as he got behind the wheel of the Impala. “I wouldn’t want to _shame_ you.” James laughed gleefully and Cas drove to the mall.

“Come on James!” Cas thought James was supposed to be a tomboy, not the type to spend three fucking hours in the bathroom.

“Piss off Cas!” And he couldn’t help but chuckle, she sounded nervous.

Dean took another calming breath sure there was the one time he wore a skirt when he went on that memorable date with Cas, but other than that he’d never worn a dress. On top of that he’d never worn a dress like _this_. He’d also never done his hair or worn makeup in public. Sure he’d try it out late at night when he was sure Sam was gone or asleep, but now was the test. Now he had to breathe and open the door.

Cas stopped breathing when James came out. She was wearing an emerald green, slinky dress that flared out just below her hips. There was a very faint golden sparkle to the dress that only shone when she moved and it only served to make her eyes shine. Faint gold was spread across her eyes making them even more beautiful. The neckline of the dress was draped and showed off her neck and shoulders perfectly and when she turned Cas’s breath stopped again when he saw the even deeper drape in the back.

“You look…” he cleared his throat, “Fine.”

“Fine?” she wrinkled her nose, “You’re sitting there with your mouth open and all you can say is _fine_?” It had taken Dean forever to get his long hair to curl in just the right way. He had used more product in that bathroom than in his entire life, and deep down he was ecstatic. That he got to go out and look like this (and have not a single person judge him) was a huge reason this “curse” seemed more like a blessing.

“Fantastic,” Cas breathed when she got near him and put her hands on his shoulders causing him to look up at her. “You’re the only woman I could fall for.” He whispered against his will, he tried to take it back but James saved him.

“I forgive you for calling me _fine_.” She kissed his cheek, “Shit I always forget when I’m wearing lipstick.” She wiped his face which felt more like a caress and when her fingers slowly stilled on his cheek Cas jumped up. He went to the mirror and tried to tie his tie, but his shaking fingers wouldn’t allow him. He couldn’t have feelings for James, he was _gay_. He was madly, head over heels, his and his towels for Dean and he couldn’t allow his heart to flutter when James touched him. He didn’t like girls he liked men. Dean he liked, probably even loved, Dean.

“Here let me,” James said softy coming behind him. She tied it quickly and then pulled away.

“The necklace,” Cas said when he turned around. “You’re wearing the necklace I got you!” James smiled mirroring her brother’s sad grin.

“Never take it off.” She whispered so softly that Cas thought he imagined it.

They made it to the gallery and the heavy mood lifted between them. They looked at art and drank champagne, and both welcomed the slightly fuzzy feeling it brought.

“Oh,” James said quietly when they got to the corner where Cas’s art was. The first painting was a dark winged figure at ta great distance standing in a field. The man held his arms out stretched above his head and his wings were pushed out as far as they would go. It was too darkly painted to tell who the man was but Dean recognized himself easily. The next was the one Cas had painted of a sleeping Dean. But it was the sculpture that held Dean captivated. It was Dean, his back arched so his entire body was in a crescent moon shape. The body was floating while gigantic wings held him up. His muscles were tense and ripped as if he was going through immense pain. But the face. The face looked as if the pain was completely worth it.

“Wow,” Dean said it quietly and Cas smiled shyly, “I’m honored you see me like this.”

“What?”

“I said I’m honored you let me see this.”

“C’mon,” Cas squirmed under James’ gaze and pulled her through the crowd.

***

“Lucifer!” He waved and a handsome man walked toward them. Dean groaned on the inside but plastered a smile on his face. This man was the fourth person Cas had tried to set him up with. It seemed he was so determined to push James away that he was practically jumping. “James this is Lucifer, James.” The hazel eyed man lifted Dean’s hand and kissed it gently.

“I was hoping I would get to talk to the most beautiful woman here.” He turned to Castiel, “I’m surprised you never used her as a model.” He looked back in Dean’s eyes, “She’s a work of art itself.” He leaned in and whispered in Dean’s ear. “If you don’t say something I’ll keep going, I have hundreds of lines.” Dean couldn’t help but let out a laugh. It had been a long time since someone pursued him with the sole intent of getting in his pants, or rather dress.

“Will you excuse me for a minute?” He looked up through his eyelashes as Lucifer nodded licking his lips. Dean pulled Cas to a back corner and looked at him.

“You should go with him.” Cas said before James could open her mouth. Seeing her blush as Lucifer’s words and laugh at whatever he whispered in her ear had been more than enough. He knew he had to get James away from him before he did something he regretted while he could still care that he _would_ regret.

“Cas, I don’t care about him, I—”

“I am not going to be your school girl crush.” He hissed out, anything to get her away from him, “Go fuck Lucifer, go fuck anyone. I. Don’t. Care.”

“Cas—” she reached out for his hand.

“No,” he pushed away, “I can’t be with you James, it would hurt too much.” With that he walked away. Dean breathed deeply filled with too much hurt and anger to really comprehend what he was doing.

He went back to Lucifer and pulled the man away by the hand. Once they were in the coatroom. Dean pushed the man into the wall and kissed him. It was dirty and wet and hungry. They crashed their tongues together filled with nothing but filthy lust. Dean leaned his head back and looked out with a listless expression as Lucifer sucked his neck. His emptiness consumed him until he felt like a shell.

Cas walked and walked and walked. He tried to lose himself on the streets but he couldn’t stop thinking about the fucking Winchester twins. Dean was his boyfriend, though they never had that conversation, but Cas was sure he loved the stupid moron. Why did James have to be _so_ like Dean? He stopped walking and thought: James was like Dean, James was Dean’s twin and of course Cas would feel something toward her. He and Dean sharing a profound bond or whatever. That was it. James was like Dean in female form, why not they were twins and all, Cas felt amazingly better and went back to the hotel. Except when he got there it wasn’t empty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know this chapter was short, but I should have another maybe by Wednesday?


	13. Healing Time

James stared listlessly as nothing. She was sitting on the bed and didn’t even comprehend when Cas walked in. A whiskey bottle was lying next to her with a good portion gone. She was in a large, Black Sabbath tee-shirt and her green dress was on the floor. As Cas walked in closer he sucked in air when he saw her messed lipstick and a red mark across her cheek.

“Don’t say a word.” Her voice was raspy from the alcohol.

“Did he—”

“Don’t fucking talk to me.” Her voice was pure venom. Cas padded out of the room but returned, much to Dean’s dismay. He fought off strong hands when he felt a bag of ice on his face. “Get off me!”

“No.” Cas was firm and much stronger than Dean. “No,” he said quieter when James stopped fighting. He held both her tiny wrists in one hand and gently, like a lover’s caress, held the bag of ice against her cheek. They stayed silent for a long time.

“He tore my dress,” she was emotionless again and Cas breathed out pure rage.

“What did you do?”

“Broke his fucking nose.” Cas looked in awe. “Wouldn’t be the first time, men think “no” means “take me I’m yours”.” Cas sighed.

“I shouldn’t have…”

“No you shouldn’t have.”

“I thought you were falling for me.” James gave a hollow laugh.

“You have no idea.” She grabbed the whiskey, “I’m in love with.. someone else.” It killed Dean to say the “L” word and have Cas have no idea it pertained to him, “But he doesn’t know I’m alive. Oh fuck that sounded like a John Hughes film.” She took a swig and grimaced, “He’d never be interested in me anyway.” That was closer to the truth. “I’m not one that would turn heads.”

“Don’t say that.”

“It’s true,” she stayed quiet for a while and Cas took the bottle from her. He popped the cap and took a long pull.

“Can’t have you drinking alone.”

“What’s the difference? I’m always alone. Dean has you, Sam has Gabe…no one wants the girl.” Cas took another pull before handing the bottle to James. He was tipsy from the champagne and now the world had a nice gentle tilt to it.

“You’ll find someone,” his already deep voice was even gravellier from the whiskey. He drank some more feeling delicious warmth in his body.

“I don’t want someone I want _him_.” Dean smiled a tiny bit when he saw Cas sway. The dude might be a bartender but he was a lightweight. Even in his woman form Dean could drink Cas under the table. He waited a while longer for Cas to get good and drunk. He was pretty far gone himself to think about what he was doing.

“Cas,” Castiel blinked at him blearily. “What would you say if I told you I was Dean?”

“Wha…?”

“That a witch cursed me and every two weeks I turn into a woman?”

“Ok, _Dean_ ,” Cas giggled, he looked down to the fork in Dean’s legs. “Do you have a penis?” He giggled like a ten year old saying a bad word.

“No! I mean yes, you’ve seen it.”

“Can I see it Dean?” Cas tried to lick his lips like a porn star and Dean sighed _stupid drunk boyfriends_.

“No, I’m a girl!”

“Then how can you be Dean?” Cas was puzzled. It seemed when he was drunk he only felt one emotion at a time and he felt that emotion strongly.

“No, Castiel, let me start over. I’m Dean the man and then I change into Dean the woman.”

“Oh, that makes sense.” Cas blinked and Dean knew he was lying. He leaned in so that he was looking at Cas close in the eye. Their noses almost touched.

“You bite your lip and then sigh right before you come.”

“How did you…? Dean?” Cas breathed. He reached drunken hands up and felt all over Dean’s face. “Dean?” He looked deep into the green eyes and they both felt a little like _Beauty and the Beast_. “It is you!” Cas said joyfully before he pounced on Dean.

They made out in a drunken mess, the whiskey making them full of need but lacking in coordination. Cas’s tongue felt huge and awesome in Dean’s smaller mouth and his large hands roaming on Dean’s female body made it hard for Dean to think. They were almost naked when an alarm started buzzing in Dean’s head. Cas was sucking furiously on his neck but he pushed his boyfriend away.

“We can’t you’re drunk.”

“You’re drunk too Dean,” and Dean wanted to forget it all when Cas said his name.

“Tell you what, you remember when you wake up and I’ll cure your hangover with morning sex.”

“Mmm,” Cas leaned forward and tried to catch Dean’s lips but he evaded, “I won’t forget.” He said stubbornly, getting a grin from Dean, “I won’t!” He said again as Dean laughed and thumbed his chin.

“Ok Cas,” he rubbed a cheek, “Ok,” he lay them both down and Cas snuggled into Dean and tangled their legs together. _Please_ was the last thought running over and over in Dean’s head, _please don’t let him forget_.

 

***

“Too much sun,” Dean groaned when he woke up. He stretched his arms out but the bed was empty and cold. “Cas?” He looked around the room but it too was empty. The door clicked open and Cas walked in carrying two cups of coffee. Dean grinned gratefully and was about to kiss Cas when the other pulled away.

“How’d you sleep?” His voice was throaty and he sipped his coffee settling in a chair away from Dean.

“Fine,” James sat up and ran her hands through her hair. Cas could vaguely remember her saying she broke someone’s nose and getting ice.

“Looks like you had fun last night.” He gestured to the dark hickey on her neck. Dean sighed heavily and drank his coffee, of course Cas wouldn’t remember that he made the love bite because why should his life work out?

“Yeah,” he said and got up to shower.

When the door closed Cas let out a shuddering breath. He had no idea what went down last night but judging by the almost empty whiskey bottle he figured something had to have happened. He did get frisky when he was drunk and when he woke up this morning…his arms weren’t just wrapped around James but their fingers and legs were interlocked. Cas was positive if they would have been able to figure out how to hook toes together he and James would have managed it. She had looked so peaceful while she slept, giving a huge sigh every so often.

As the coffee rejuvenated him he remembered bits more, James saying she broke Lucifer’s nose when he ripped her dress, she said she loved someone, that she was lonely. He sighed again and drank his coffee. He reached for his phone to text Dean but thought better. He’d text later, on the road, or maybe when he was properly away from James.

She came out of the bathroom fresh an clean without a trace of hangover. “I texted Dean, told him we got a little drunk he’s sorry he missed it.” Cas smiled, “So did you want to go around Chicago or just head back?”

“Back is fine, he have a long drive.” She nodded.

***

It was Thursday and one of the last really nice days of spring. Cas painted outside, his favorite subject was Dean and he was painting him again. This time it was Dean asleep from the perspective of someone holding him in their arms. It wasn’t until Cas was almost finished when he realized it was the same position he’d held James in a month ago. He’d told Dean and again Dean had forgiven him.

“It’s not like there’s anything to forgive.” Dean had said, but he refused to say more.

“Dean?”

“Hmm?” They were lying in bed after going out to an Italian place, Cas had watched Dean take notes.

“I want to be your boyfriend.” Dean looked up and smiled like it was the only thing he wanted in the world.

“Only if I get to be yours,” and that was that. Dean was off on his two weeks, which was starting to bug Castiel. He didn’t want to be a nag but he’d let Michael walk all over him and he wanted to share a life with Dean not only two weeks on and off. He grumbled when the phone rang.

“Hello?” Angry yelling screamed over the line, “Ok! I’ll tell him!” He hung up and cursed, “Damn Gabriel, and damn editors.” He grabbed his keys, he was pretty sure he knew where he would find his brother.

James was sitting in front of the apartment eating a peach and reading a cookbook when he pulled up. She had large headphones on which she took off when he walked up to her.

“Heya Cas.”

“Hi James, I’m looking for my brother are he and Sam…”

“Riding the hobby horse?” she paused making an adorable face, inside they heard dirty moans and loud yells, “Yeah, I think so.”

Cas was mortified, “It’s the middle of the afternoon!”

“Ah l’art fantastique de baise.” She looked wistful and gestured to a chair, “C’mon I won’t bite.”

“You speak French, of course you speak French.”

“Pourquon est-ce mauvais?”

“Ah stop!” He wasn’t going to say every time he heard French it went straight to his dick.

“Oh je pense que vais l’aimez.”

“Seriously,” it was getting hard to think.

“Sèrieusement.”

“James.”

“Cas.” Cas rolled his eyes and wanted to walk away but his raging hard on wouldn’t allow it.

“Why’d you learn French?”

“Livres de cuisine,” she laughed when he rolled his eyes again, “I’ll stop!” She said as he made to move away. “I wanted to learn French cooking and once you’ve finished Julia Child you pretty much have to speak French to get the real authentic stuff.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever had French food, unless…does Louie’s count?” It was the only local French place. James made a disgusted face and shook her head. “Damn I really hoped it was, I’ve always wanted to taste real French food.”

“Well play your cards right and you might get lucky,” she smiled and winked, she was about to say more when they heard obscene shouting inside. The yelling died down and James stuck out her tongue, “I think Gabe’s, ah, free now, though I would wait for their post coital bliss to wear off.” Cas winced and groaned getting another laugh from James.

“So have you ever been to France?”

“No, but I’ve always wanted to go.” Dean’s voice was full of longing. Other than wanting Cas, Paris was his dream.

“You should go, you’d love it.”

“Yeah,” something in James’ tone made Cas drop it. He heard shifting in the apartment and waved at James.

“See you,” she nodded and buried her nose in her cookbook. “Gabe listen—” Cas said as he walked in not really looking at who he was speaking to. He looked up and saw a half-naked back covered in scars. Some were long, some were short, but they all covered the smooth muscle and rippled as the back turned and a gigantic scar covering a large portion of Sam’s stomach came into view. “What the hell?!” Cas backed up, “What the hell happened to you?!” a hand came around his wrist from behind and pulled him outside. James yanked Cas to a park four blocks away and sat him down on a bench.

“Have you seen him? Who has that many scars?!”

“Cas!” James had been saying his name several times to try and get him to calm down.

“Is he some kind of sadist? He likes pain? Oh my—is he going to get Gabriel to—”

“Cas!”

“What?!”

“It was a car accident. Almost three years ago!” James squeezed Cas’s hand. “He was in the hospital for almost two months, they didn’t think he was going to make it…”

Cas took a breath and calmed, “Was he riding a motorcycle? Topless?” James gave Cas a weird look.

“No, he was in a car…”

“So that’s where all the scars came from?”

“He has just the one, the big one…it’s kind of hard to miss… I mean he’s got others, but those are just growing up stuff, we were rough as kids.”

“The scars on his back…that’s not growing up stuff…James didn’t you know?” But Cas got his answer when James was already halfway across the block headed home. “Apparently not.” He muttered as he jogged to catch up.

Dean barged in and pulled a naked Gabe off his brother. They had been making out and Gabe had been busy undoing the shorts he thought Sam had so stupidly put on just to go out and get juice.

Dean didn’t say a word as he threw Gabe back behind him. He was incredibly strong for a woman and Gabe hit the wall hard. “Show me!” Dean said gruffly handling Sam. The younger Winchester fought, but Dean was having none of that. He slapped Sam hard on the shoulder and took two wrists in his hand and pushed Sam on his back. Dean sucked in a breath when he saw the long thin scars.

“Did you do this?” He pushed away from his brother.

“Dean—”

“Did you do this?” He roared.

“Dean, no!”

“Sam I thought you were ok, you promised me you never—”

“It was dad,” Sam said it quietly stopping Dean in his tracks. “After you left he—he wanted to be sure I didn’t turn out like…you.” Sam glanced up and Gabe caught his meaning and walked quietly out, closing the door behind him.

“This is my fault.” Dean said numbly and he formed a fist and punched the wall. He punched over and over again until his pain and anger was substituted by a bloody hand.

“I will kill that fucking bastard!” He screamed.

Cas winced, he’d found a naked Gabe on the couch, and after going into Dean’s room to grab boxers (if he was going wait and see how James was he didn’t want to wait next to his naked brother) they sat in silence. When someone started hitting the wall Cas rose but Gabe pulled him down. They flinched when James screamed out and Cas looked to his older brother for explanation.

“His dad beat Sam to make sure he wouldn’t turn out like Dean…bisexual.” Cas sighed, “She is preaching to the fucking choir.” Gabe muttered, “Wonder if she’d be willing to come with me to kill the son of a bitch.” Cas was shocked at the dark words from Gabe, who turned and smiled at him humorlessly. “Makes the rainbow dildo I gave you when you came out look a lot better, doesn’t it?” He asked dryly and Cas nodded.

“Dean calm down,” Sam said quietly. “I’m happy, Gabe’s made me really happy.” Dean sighed and sat on the bed.

“So you told him.”

“It was kind of hard not to,” Sam held a slightly cocky gin. It vanished when he saw Dean working his jaw. “Dean, I’m happy.”

“Yeah.”

“Are you pissed that I didn’t tell you, or that I told Gabe?” Sam’s joking vanished when he saw just how awful Dean felt. “Dean,” he sighed and scrubbed his face, “I didn’t tell you because it’s not your fault.”

“Yes it is!”

“No it’s not!” They both glared at one another, “It’s that bastard’s fault. It’s his fault Dean. You didn’t take a belt to me, he did.”

“But if I wasn’t like...this!” Dean looked down at his pale blue sundress disgusted with himself. “If I wasn’t some freak of nature or fag or piece of shit tranny then you would be better.”

“That’s him talking, not you.” Sam took Dean’s face in his hands to force his older brother to look at him. “He’s sick and twisted and the worst kind of person alive, and he could have cut off my fucking arm there is no person on this earth I wouldn’t want to be more like. I’ve looked up to you since I was three and I’ve wanted to be you since I was four. You’re my big brother and none of this is your fault.”

“Yeah,” Dean still wasn’t convinced.

“Dean…please, you gotta understand I thought about you, every time he—I would think about how strong you are and I would be strong too. You saved me.” Dean nodded numbly, “You’re my brother and there’s no one who can look out for me better.” Dean nodded again. “You good?” Sam watched Dean raise himself wearily from the bed and make his way out of the room.

The Novak brothers both looked up when the door opened. Gabe rose to get to Sam and Dean stopped him. “I knew you’d be good for him.” He muttered, “I just wish that I…”

“I know,” Gabe patted James’ shoulder. He went into the bedroom and held Sam.

Cas rose and cradled James’ hand when he saw it dripping with blood. He brought her to the sink and quietly, gently cleaned her up.

“Cas?”

“Hm?”

“I need to go to a bar.”

“Ok.”

“Cas?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t take me home until I’m very drunk.”

“Ok.”

“Cas?” Her voce was so small, so vulnerable. “Don’t let me sleep with anyone,” tears came with the whisper, “Even you.”

“Ok.”

***

“Cas I c’n walk on m’own,” James mumbled as she leaned heavily on the dark haired man.

“I doubt that. Are you going to be sick?” He was concerned when James stopped.

“It was all me,” this was the first time James had mentioned anything that had happened before the bar. Cas had driven them to the nearest place and he watched as she downed shot after shot, saying nothing, a single tear running down her face every now and then. “If I wasn’t so fucked up he wouldn’t have gone after Sam.”

“You can’t think that.” Cas was firm.

“Oh yes I can, I know, I was wrong.” She paused and shook her head, “I am wrong. I wear makeup and dresses and fuck boys and I never cared. I didn’t even care what it did to my brother.” She sank to her knees. “Sammy’s the only person on this fucking planet who loves me. The _real me_. And look what I did to him.”

“James look at me,” she refused to look up. “Look at me,” Cas knelt next to her and grabbed her face, holding it up next to his. “You are amazing, and funny, and beautiful, there is nothing wrong with you. Nothing.” He squeezed her face softly when she scoffed, “If that ass of a father can’t see you for the astounding person you are…then…” he remembered what Dean had told him once, “Then he doesn’t deserved to be _near_ you.” She looked even sadder and leaned her face into his palm.

“I want to believe you,” she whispered.

“Then believe me.” She looked into his eyes and he could tell a different sadness had replaced her earlier despair.

“I wish I was Dean right now.” She pushed her face harder into Cas’s hand. “Because then you would kiss me, you would hold me, and you would make love to me, and we would lay together and I would tell you I loved you and you would love me back and I wouldn’t feel so fucking sad.” She sniffed, “God I wish I was Dean.”

“James—”

“Forget it.” She rose and when she stumbled Cas was by her side to steady her. She blinked when she saw Cas’s house looming in front of her.

“I didn’t think you would want Sam to see you like—”

“This?” she gestured to herself and laughed in a way that made Cas’s skin itch, it was so full of self-loathing. “Yeah, you’re probably right.” Cas led her and started to pull her upstairs.

“It’s fine Cas, I’ll take the couch.” She’d already made it to the living room and flopped down on the sofa. Cas moved to take off her shoes and socks. He frowned when he saw a small scar just above James’ ankle. Dean had a scar _exactly_ like that… Before he could get a close look James rolled to her stomach and slid her arms above her head. She fell asleep instantly and Cas slipped into a chair near her head. He would watch over her for a while just in case she would need a bucket or something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so notes: I just wanted to let you know how Dean thinks. He never sees himself as a woman, he's a man stuck in a woman's body so when he's wearing dresses and skirts it's a man wearing a dress. Just making sure this point is clear! Next chapter might have to be up after Christmas so have a great holiday!


	14. The First Night Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok I know this is a bit shorter, but at least I updated in less than two weeks! Ooh and smut!

Cas woke with a strong arm around him and a warm chest pressed against his back. It was early Sunday morning and he didn’t have to guess who was there with him, they’d all been living in an emotional vacuum Friday and Saturday and Dean didn’t text Cas after Cas had written about James, he’d been too full of self-deprecation.

“How’s James?” Cas asked when he felt his lover stir. Friday morning he’d woken in his chair to find an empty living room. The blanket he’d thrown over James was folded neatly but she had left long ago. He’d gone to Sam and Dean’s apartment but she wasn’t there, he went to the garage and she wasn’t there.

Dean blinked and somewhere in the back of his brain it told him to be happy Cas was worried about James but he was too full of self-pity and what a fucking disappointment he was that he hardly cared what his brain had to say.

“She’s…fine? What can I say, she was happy to leave this time.” Cas nodded.

“It wasn’t her fault,” he said firmly as Dean’s strong arms turned him around. “You have to get her to know that.” He looked at Dean fiercely, “You have to tell her that, and I will too…I’ll…” he stopped when he saw tears in Dean’s eyes. “What?” he held a beautiful face, “What?”

“Nothing.”

“Dean you’re crying, it’s not nothing. Is it James? Should I not be concerned…”

“No,” Dean rubbed Cas’s arms, “You go right on doing what you’re doing—it’s just… I want to tell you something but I don’t know how…” an icy hand grabbed Cas’s stomach, was this the end?

“Ok, just talk to me Dean,” he pulled the man in as close as he possibly could and even then it wasn’t enough.

“I like—I mean every so often I’ll turn—” Dean lost his nerve when he looked at Cas’s open, understanding face, “I’m a cross dresser,” he said quietly, better start small and work to the big one. Cas was silent for a long time, so long that Dean thought he’d fallen asleep, “Cas…?”

“I want to see you,” he breathed, he wouldn’t let Dean pull away or cover his face but kissed the blush from Dean’s cheeks. “I think you would look fantastic, could I—” he was suddenly hesitant, “I mean would you let me—paint you?” Dean was breathless, if this was how Cas was going to take it then telling him about the change was going to be easier than he thought. He wrapped his arms tightly around Cas nearly crushing him.

“I love you,” he kissed every bit of skin he could reach and he rolled them so he was under Cas, “Make love to me,” he whispered and Cas grinned.

“Absolutely.”

They kissed slowly. Cas rested his entire weight on Dean and Dean wrapped his arms around his lover’s back and ended up entwined in his dark hair. Cas brought his hands down to pull up Dean’s knees so he could lay between them and went back to caressing the sides of his favorite face.

“Oh fuck!” Cas froze.

“I know I’m a good kisser, but you didn’t come yet.”

“Hilarious, no I didn’t say it.”

“We’re doing pretty mild stuff here Cas I don’t think we need a safe word, but just in case mine’s appl—”

“Piss off,” Cas covered Dean’s lips with his fingers, “I’m trying to tell you I love you, you stupid idiot.” He glared down when he felt a small chuckle turn into a medium laugh, “Shut up!” he said smacking Dean’s thigh, his other hand still on lips that were trying hard not to break into a grin, but it was enough to send Dean over the edge. He held Cas tightly that they both could feel the vibrations of the deep laughter through them.

“You have to say it, just like that, every time.” Cas tried to glare but his smile won out.

“I love you too, you stupid idiot,” he whispered as he kissed Dean again. “I love,” he moved down to Dean’s neck, knowing exactly how much the man loved when he sucked on his clavicle. “You too,” he moved to nipples, kissing and rolling them on his tongue. Dean arched his back into Cas’s mouth mewling and pleading, his hands returned to Cas’s hair. “You stupid,” he licked abdomen muscles and even sucked on Dean’s navel, he’d never done that before but from Dean’s wrecked breathing under him he liked it. “Idiot,” he got to Dean’s shaft which was standing, waiting for him patiently. He opened his mouth and kissed all over Dean’s groin and cock. He let his tongue swirl as he kissed and when Dean started begging he licked the length of his erection and took a perfect head into his mouth.

“Oh, fuck Cas,” Cas nodded around him and Dean barely noticed when he held out his hand. Knowing what his lover wanted, Dean fumbled in the nightstand grabbing the bottle of lube there. He handed it to Cas who poured it on his fingers without pulling his mouth away. Dean fell back on the bed when he felt a mouth around him and fingers inside him. Cas was so fucking _great_ and before Dean could be afraid of the future a second finger was inside him scissoring him open and he decided to let go and just feel.

He was so lost that he didn’t notice fingers three and four, he did notice when Cas pulled away from his weeping cock to crawl up his chest. Cas opened freckled legs wider and pushed himself in as he fully rolled up Dean’s body. They both groaned in release and froze in the feeling of filling and being filled.

“I love you, you stupid idiot.” Cas whispered again and he thrust slowly, sucking on Dean’s clavicle again.

“I love you, beautiful angel.” Dean panted out and he lost himself in just feeling and being. He pulled Cas up and melded their tongues together, when he came he wanted Cas’s mouth on his.

Cas moved to a medium rhythm and pulled himself and Dean up so they were sitting on Cas’s lap. He thrust in deeper as he held and kissed the perfect man in his arms. Dean moaned into that open mouth as his prostate was hit over and over again, and he moved his hands to his shaft but Cas knocked them away. If someone was going to get Dean’s cum all over their hands it was going to be Cas. He thrust into a perfect hole and rolled around Dean’s cock and soon they were panting hard into the kiss.

“Eyes,” Dean broke only for a second and they both shared an orgasm as they looked deeply into their partner’s eyes. Cas slowed his movements until they stilled and he cradled Dean down to the bed as he pulled out.

“I love you, you stupid idiot.”

“I love you, you beautiful angel,” Cas made a face, “No?” He shook his head, “Well I love you, you beautiful angel who gets paint in my hair and fucks like a god is a bit long.” Cas chuckled into Dean’s chest and they each ran languid fingers up and down naked skin. “How about je t’aime?”

“Oh yes, that will do. You speak French to?”

“Oui.”

“Is there anything you do that James doesn’t?”

“You,” they both laughed but Cas noticed there was a sadness in Dean’s smile.

“Hey, I’ll watch over her, I won’t leave like last time. And maybe we could go out the three of us…?”

Dean smiled and nodded, “Yeah, that would be nice, I’m sure you’ll look out for her.”

“What are you doing tonight?”

“Besides you? Well there’s this one guy whose supposed to be amazing…”

“Again with the humor,” Cas said dryly getting a chuckle from his lover, “I want to take you out. Recreate our first date.”

“It’s the last week of November Cas, it’s cold out.”

“So we’ll borrow Sam’s truck and fill the bed with blankets and pillows. C’mon we could share a sleeping bag…” he wheedled, “And if you want to _dress_ for the occasion…”

“Wait, seriously? I’ve never—” panic gripped Dean, he’d always wanted to go out in something other than jeans but he’d always been afraid. Maybe though—

“You don’t have to…” Cas said breaking through his fear.

“No, I mean it’s scary the first time but I could do it if you were holding my hand.”

“I’ll never let go.” Cas kissed him softly again.

“Ok,” Dean said softly.

***

When Cas knocked on Dean’s door that night he was excited. This was a huge step for Dean and he was honored he could be there for support. When Dean opened the door Cas’s breath caught. He was wearing a black tee-shirt with a plaid overshirt under his leather jacket and a long grey maxi-skirt. Sneakers poked out shyly under the skirt and Dean looked at him with apprehension.

“You look…”

“Ridiculous?”

“Amazing. Absolutely amazing,” Cas pulled Dean into his arms. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you.” Dean sighed into the embrace and laced his fingers with Cas’s. “I have to say, though, when you said cross dresser I thought heavy makeup and sequins.”

Dean laughed softly, “Yeah that works for some, I like being a bit more plain.”

“Well you’re perfect.” They got in Cas’s jeep and Cas rested his hand on Dean’s thigh, completely comfortable.

They got to the movie theatre and Cas felt Dean’s leg twitch. “Ready?” Dean nodded and Cas left the car in a flash and was there to take his hand. There were looks, and Dean jumped when the attendant asked for their tickets, but Cas’s strong hand soothed him and he started to wonder why he had waited so long, waited to tell Cas, waited to try this, because it felt…good. Strangely good. He felt free, as if somehow he’d become stronger than John’s belt.

“Je t’aime,” he whispered in Cas’s ear  when they found their seats.

“I’ve never told anyone this,” Cas whispered back when the previews started, “But I’ve always wondered what it would feel like to stick my head up someone’s skirt, is that wrong?” Dean choked on his soda and placed a hand over his instant erection. “Oh so _those_ are harder to hide in skirts,” Cas blew in Dean’s ear, “I’ll have to watch my _language_.”

“Ohh fuck,” Dean mumbled. Cas didn’t say anything during the movie, just held his hand and it took Dean nearly the entire movie just to calm down.

“That was a good movie, don’t you think?”

“Oh, yeah,” truthfully Dean hadn’t paid much attention because he was trying to get rid of his hard on and imagining Cas between his legs under his skirt. He got a few wolf whistles as they walked to the car which he ignored but it seemed to bug Cas.

“Cas,” he pulled his love in and kissed dark brown hair. “I’m fine, this night has been amazing.” They got their food and then returned to borrow Sam’s truck. They loaded it with blankets and pillows and sleeping bags. After a twenty minute drive out of town they were sharing noodles and a sleeping bag under the starts.

“So how long have you been a cross dresser?”

“Um…since I was 15. My dad caught me one night, he beat the tar out of me, so I didn’t do it for a long time. And then two years ago something…well it just clicked.” He ate a few bites, “But…” should he say it? “I was really hurting one night and y-someone really helped me accept myself.”

“Well I’d like to meet them and thank them.” Cas was hesitant, “So you dad…he beat you?” Dean ate a while in silence.

“Yeah. Mostly it was because I was different and then I wore makeup and fucked boys. I brought home girls too, but when he caught me with a boy… if I knew about Sam I’d never left him dad. Sam was the golden boy…I never…” Dean got very quiet and when Cas looked at him closely he saw rivers of silent tears.

“Oh come here,” he moved the food out of their hands and held Dean’s head into his chest. “A father is supposed to be the trusted one.” He said quietly, “That’s their job, when you become a father you sign a contract saying that you’ll take care of this little life entrusted to you. When that contract is broken—well that’s when the father isn’t even a man anymore. He doesn’t deserve the ground to walk on.” Cas understood Gabe’s words from the other day more fully now. He really did want to take the life of the man who laid a hand against Dean and James and Sam.

“Cas?”

“Hmmm?”

“You can do this with James, hold her like this, I think she really needs contact with someone.”

“Ok.”

“Cas?”

“Mmm?”

“…Nothing…just je t’aime.”

“I love you too, you stupid idiot.” Dean laughed and they watched the stars in silence and dozed off under a thick blanket.


	15. Well, It's News

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the awesome comments! You've made my writing better!

“Mornin’ Cas,” Dean was at the stove cooing when a very bleary, bed headed Cas came in. He shuffled over and put his arms around Dean’s waist and laid his head on Dean’s shoulders. Dean laughed when he felt heavy breathing on his back. He cooked for a while more trying to move as little as possible. He was going to tell Cas tonight. It was Saturday and the night of the change, but Dean felt ready. They’d been together for nearly a year and he was ready. Deep down he knew he had waited because he knew if Cas took this well they’d most likely end up married.

“Cas,” he said gently, moving his shoulders around to wake up his sleeping boyfriend.

“Five more minutes,” came the muffled reply.

“Ok, je t’amie, but by then I will have eaten all the food, drank all the coffee, and you will have to eat cereal and there’s no milk” He felt Cas rubbing his face into his back.

“Stupid idiot,” Dean chuckled.

“C’mon I made pancakes.” Cas was revived by coffee and food and looked more like himself after the meal. Dean moved around the kitchen easily in his long skirt, he really only wore pants when he went to work but he found himself feeling more comfortable than he had in years.

“Plans?” Cas rested his face in his hands and looked at Dean.

“Well Gabe and Sam have that parade thing they invited us to but that’s not until dusk. So I don’t really know, what do you want to do?”

“We could go shopping…” Dean groaned, “Oh come on! We can do it all in one day and then be done! Besides I can tell you what looks good or not,” he wiggled his eyebrows and Dean groaned again but he knew he’d never be able to say no to Cas.

“You better bet me one of those really big cookies.” Cas laughed.

“Anything, stupid idiot,” they shopped the length of the day and Dean was surprised at how happy he was. With Cas he didn’t feel scared or self-conscious when he went to the women’s department, nor did he make up any excuse like he was buying this for his sister. Usually he went shopping in his female form, it was easier, but it was nice to be able to actually try on clothes in his male form and seen what they looked like rather than guessing, buying, and returning. Cas was a great help too, though whatever Dean put on Cas said he loved. Except there was that one outfit Dean tried on and Cas pulled him back to the changing room to swallow his tongue. That item Dean was pretty sure Cas liked.

They returned back for a quick supper and then met Sam and Gabe for the parade, which Dean didn’t hesitate to admit was awesome. It was cold for the time of year so Dean and Cas “huddled for warmth” and sipped coffee. Sam caught his brother’s eye at the end of the parade and Dean nodded. Sam had been trying to find out when Dean was going to tell Cas and now he had hard proof.

“Really!” They all looked at the tall man who backpedaled. “That was a really good parade, I’m really hungry, anyone else? Cas?” Cas shook his head, “Gabe?” Sam widened his eyes and tried to get a message off to his dense boyfriend.

“Ummm, no I’m good, are you doing ok Sammy?”

“Fine,” Sam said through gritted teeth.

“Yes you are Sammy,” Dean clapped him on the shoulder, “We’re all going to be fine.” The Novak brothers took in the Winchester brothers.

“Your boyfriend is crazy,” Gabe stage whispered.

“No more than yours,” Cas whispered back.

“Are you talking about us?” Two heads shook. “Well let’s go,” Dean slung his arm around Cas’s shoulders and threw a wave back at Gabe and his brother.

“Something’s off about him,” Gabe frowned as they returned to the car.

“Yeah,” Sam was distracted, he wouldn’t be able to focus on anything until either Dean came home tomorrow morning or he didn’t.

“Something’s off about you too,” Gabe slid his freezing fingers into Sam’s pocket. “Talk to me.”

“Dean’s got some…news that he’s going to tell Cas tonight, and he’s never really shared it with anyone and, well, it’s the reason his relationships don’t work out.” Gabe froze and frowned.

“Is he breaking up with my brother?”

“No! I think if Cas takes this new well he’ll probably marry him, but it’s a…well it’s news.”

“Is it that he’s James?”

“Wh-what?!” Sam sputtered, “I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

“You’re an awful liar. No,” he spoke loudly when Sam opened his mouth. “Don’t say anything. I don’t want you ending up with a split lip again. We’ll just tell Dean I figured it out, which I did. No set of twins acts _exactly_ the same. And that day when James came and saw your scars, you called her _Dean._ ”

Sam ran his hands over his face, “How long have you known?”

“About three months. Hey I didn’t want to get you in trouble, or me. I did want to wait to see if you trusted me enough to tell me on your own…” he looked at Sam pointedly.

“It wasn’t my secret to tell,” Sam said, his eyes and body restless. _Shit_ Gabe thought, Sam had to calm down.

“Hey, I understand, it’s ok.”

“No, no, no it’s not,” Sam’s hand twitched near his side. “You’re going to tell Dean, Dean will be mad, and he’ll take you away.” This was far worse than the study binge months ago. Sam paced up and down the empty street. “And why shouldn’t he, I’m wrong, I’m…” he started to mumble and Gabe didn’t kow what to do. Dean said ride it out, but he had to get Sam somewhere warm at least.

“Sam?” No reaction, “Sam,” nothing. Gabe tried to grab a jacket or a hand or something to pull Sam back to him but nothing worked. Finally he braced himself and slapped Sam across the face _hard_. Maybe a jolt would help. A fist shot out and sent him flying. He thought his eye was going to explode as he sprawled back on the pavement.

***

“Dean,” Cas moaned as Dean came behind him quietly kissing the back of his neck. Hands grazed lightly on Cas’s naked sides and finally rested intertwined with Cas’s fingers. Dean broke away behind Cas and pulled him into a gentle kiss. This wasn’t like Dean, not that he was wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am, but he never went this slow. He kept one of their hands intertwined over Cas’s stomach while the other felt all of Cas’s body. It seemed as if his fingers, and eyes, and lips were trying to memorize all of Cas. When he was done with Cas’s back he turned his boyfriend around and they faced one another.

When they got home after the parade Cas could tell Dean had something to say. However, the older man stayed silent and preferred to strip them quickly and efficiently. But then he stopped and there they stood with Dean studying him like he wouldn’t see Cas for a very long time.

“Dean! Don’t you have to go?” It was two weeks and Dean had never stayed this late on a Saturday before.

“No, I’m…I’m gonna stay.” He kissed Cas then, deeply and passionately. It wasn’t long before they were entangled on the bed and grinding into one another.

“No, um…” Dean interrupted as Cas moved down to suck him off. He’d thought about this last night and all day, and if this was going to be his last night he just wanted to grind on Cas and make out. He couldn’t explain it, he had hundreds of memories of fucking Cas laying down, standing, sitting, the one time when they were stuck at the top of a Ferris Wheel…then there was Cas riding him, him riding Cas, blowing each other at the same time…all those were awesome and he wanted to keep them that way. The closest he could come to an explanation was that if this was to be the Last Time he didn’t want all those memories to be tainted by sharing the same position as the Last Time. He wanted to do something tender and close. He pulled Cas up and held his face.

“This is enough.”

“Dean are you ok?”

“Top of the world,” he kissed and kissed again and prayed Cas didn’t see his tears. They hooked their legs together and grinded until they came. It wasn’t loud or screaming, nor did it break the bed, but it did give each man the feeling they’d touched the other’s soul. After they’d cleaned up Dean grabbed a sharpie. If Cas didn’t believe him he’d need hard proof.

“I have something I need to tell you.” Cas yawned but focused in on Dean’s tone.

“You’re not going to tell me you’re becoming a woman are you?” The tone was joking.

“Well…”

“No way! Seriously? I don’t know if I can…” Cas sat up and hyperventilated a full on panic attack stirring in his chest. He was _gay_ but he loved Dean, but the thought of doing it with a girl…he’d tried once and was laughed out of the car when his dick refused to get hard. And then there was the other time…

“Cas,” Dean held Cas’s face again and rubbed small circles into his cheeks, “I’m not transsexual.”

“Oh, ok.” His deep voice was tiny.

“I am, I—fuck I don’t know how to say this.”

“Just tell me, we’ll figure it out, whatever it is.”

“I’m James.” The room was very quiet and Dean bit his lip waiting for Cas to speak. When he didn’t say anything for a long time Dean reached out and rubbed Cas’s forearms. “Three years ago a witch cursed me, she was pissed I didn’t sleep with her…so every two weeks, like clockwork, I change.” Cas was quiet. “Say something, please Castiel.”

“Is this a joke? Are you and Gabe punking me right now?”

“No, I wouldn’t—”

“Ok, “Dean,” “James” whatever you are,” Cas made air quotes, “I still love you, you stupid idiot.”

Dean sighed and opened his mouth, “Don’t you think it’s strange you’ve never seen James and me together? Or how I never seem pissed that you made out with my sister? Or that you willingly made out with a girl?” Cas narrowed his eyes.

“You’re taking this joke a bit far Dean.”

“I’m James! Just…” he deflated he couldn’t figure out a way to convince Cas so he looked up apologetically and Cas kissed him. He smiled into the kiss and pushed the sharpie into Cas’s hands. He then rolled onto his stomach.

“Give me wings, Cas,” he whispered.

***

“Gabe! Gabriel!” Gabe woke in Sam’s strong arms. “Oh fuck, fuck Gabe please be ok.”

“Shhh, too loud,” Gabe frowned when Sam’s face came into focus, he was crying and his face was a mess. “Shhh,” Gabe said again lifting his hand up to caress Sam’s face. He sat up as much as Sam’s arm would allow and turned to face the tall man. He quietly kissed the hot rivers of tears and wound his cold arms inside Sam’s jacket.

“I’ll drop you off at home, and I won’t call or bother you again.” Sam sounded like he was made of nothing but dejection.

“You’ll do no such thing, Winchester,” Gabe said between kisses.

“But I—I hit you.”

“And I hit you, I think we’ll just call it square and go to your place and warm up.” he moved to stand and wobbled a little. Sam moved to help him and they both got to Sam’s truck without any difficulty. Sam was still incredibly tense on the drive back, he was trying to hold on to his sanity but he was losing and Gabe could tell.

“Sam,” he caught the large man around the waist when they got into the warm apartment. “I’m not going anywhere, we’re going to stay right here. No one, not even Dean, can tell me to leave, except you, and even then I doubt I’ll listen.” He felt a small breath escape Sam that sounded like a laugh. “I love you Sam, and I’m never going to leave you.” The words rolled into Sam like the ocean and his fear and anxiety ebbed away like the tide.

“I love you too,” he said so quietly Gabe almost missed it.

“Feel better?” When Sam nodded he moved to the bathroom. “I look butch!” He declared taking in his black eye. “If anyone asks I was in a bar fight, never been in a bar fight, I’ve always wanted to thought.” He took Sam’s hand and kissed it. “Thank you.”

“For what?” Gabe looked puzzled.

“You know I haven’t the foggiest, I just wanted to thank you. Guess I’m just grateful to have you.” He kissed the hand again. “Let’s get warm.”


	16. True Confessions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry this took so long, but it was a really tricky chapter, as you will read. I've pretty much finished piecing the entire story now I just have to write the dang thing! Love and kisses all!

Cas woke up with Dean kissing his back. They’d stayed up late while Cas drew on Dean’s back and arms and shoulders. It was his finest tattoo yet. Feathers covered all of Dean’s back and shoulders and they traveled down his arms, with the longest reaching his elbows. Dean was incredibly sleepy, more than usual, and the last thing he did was beg Cas to stay awake.

“Please Castiel, stay awake, at least until you see—” he dropped off before Cas could promise him. He tried to stay awake, he really did, but it had been a long day. So long, in fact, that Dean had made up this tale of him being James. Cas knew they were alike, but the same person…?

He woke up more when he felt a tongue slip out of Dean’s mouth when it reached the base of his spine. He felt the twitch of a good hard on coming but he sighed when the mouth moved back up.

Dean knew his confession didn’t work the night before. He prayed Cas had stayed awake, but he wasn’t sure. He didn’t know what happened when he changed, he always fell asleep. There was no staying awake either, he’d tried that. So he started kissing Cas. He was going to break this news hard, as much as he wanted to blow his lover when he saw Cas’s shaft twitch he didn’t want the news to come that hard (oh ha ha that was punny, I’ll be here all week folks don’t forget to tip the waiters). So he stayed neutral and kissed up and down Cas’s back.

“What the hell?!” Cas shouted and pushed himself out of the bed as fast as he could when he saw exactly who was kissing him. He backed into a corner and tried to find something in the room he could use as a weapon. “I know you’re lonely but that doesn’t mean you get to stalk me! And you’re naked!” He looked away from James completely. “What kind of fucking sex kink do you have?!”

“Cas—” Dean got out of bed and walked towards the man his palms up. Cas grabbed a book on art history (those really big coffee table books) and held it over his head.

“Get away from me!”

“No. Now you’re gonna stand there and listen to me.” Dean wedged himself between Cas’s corner and the door. It killed him inside that Cas was holding a weapon but he wasn’t going to back down. “I told you last night. I’m Dean.”

“So you’re some fucking weird twins that tell each other everything? Oh fuck are you going to _share_ me?” Cas was terrified, and disgusted, and pissed beyond hell. And it broke Dean’s heart.

“No! I’m _Dean_ there are no twins, I was cursed by a witch and I’m Dean the man for two weeks and Dean the woman for two weeks.” He leaned in close to Cas’s face who flinched away, “You bite your lip and sigh right before you come.” Hey if it worked once…

“Oh my—Dean told you that?!”

“No, Cas I’m Dean!” He took Cas’s face in his much smaller hands. The brunet seemed too shocked and scared to fight back. Dean forced blue eyes to look at him, “I’m Dean,” he said softer and Cas calmed a tiny bit.

Cas’s mind was racing, how could this be Dean? How could Dean be a woman? How could the universe play such a sick and twisted joke on him, considering what happened to him in high school? This wasn’t Dean. Dean was a man, Dean took care of him. He was strong and broad and smelled like musk and…

And…

Cas looked hard into the green eyes. He’d been spending all his time, really since he met James, convincing himself that the only reason he was drawn to James was because she was Dean’s twin. They were alike in every possible way. Cas thought, Dean and James did everything practically the same, was that normal for twins? He thought…

“Dean?” She nodded. “So, what, you’re two people?”

“No, just me, James is someone I use with people who don’t know.” That was a mistake.

“So you’ve been lying to me this whole time?! Everything James did or said was a lie?!”

“No, no, je t’amie, just like some minor stuff like where I go for two weeks, everything else was—”

“I don’t want to hear from you! I want _Dean_ bring Dean back!” Cas was hysterical, he wanted his boyfriend. His boyfriend’s arms to wrap around him tightly. His boyfriend’s deep voice telling him he was fine. He wanted his boyfriend.

“I’m right here Cas,” Dean reached out but this time his hands were hit away with the book. He felt his energy leaving when he landed a good hit on a shoulder.  “Castiel.”

“What?”

“It’s still me, je t’aime, it’s still me.”

“I need some time…to process.” Cas said quietly. He deflated hearing Dean’s pet name for him from James’ lips. Dean nodded and sat back on the bed. Cas looked at him pointedly and Dean got the meaning.

“Oh, alone. You need time to process alone.” He turned to grab his clothes and froze when he felt Cas’s fingers on his back.

“J-Dean?”

“Yeah?” The fingers barely touched the sharpie before they fell away.

“Nothing. I’ll…I’ll call you.”

“Promise?” There was a pause.

“Promise.”

“Ok, je t’aime,” Dean waited at Cas’s bedroom door, fully clothed waiting to be called a stupid idiot but it never came.

***

Dean waited with held breath for a week. He didn’t badger Gabe this time, but would only look up expectantly whenever the older Novak would walk in.

“Nothing.” He shook his head, making Dean sigh.

“Why can’t he take it like you?” Gabe hadn’t really changed around Dean at all. He acted the same and Dean was shocked, but extremely grateful.

“Well I’m not the one having sex with you, and I’m not the one who uses gay as an excuse to run away from girls.”

“So do I have a chance?” Dean didn’t care how hopeful he sounded, he wanted Cas more than anything in the world.

“I don’t know Dean, he came out when he was 16 and he really never wanted anything to do with girls. It’s like he’s allergic to them or something.” He caught Dean’s devastated face, “But you’re like the first girl he’s ever hung out with. He kissed you the first time he met you!”

“Three times.” Dean said quietly, “We almost had sex but we were too drunk.”

“Wait he kissed you in your girly form more than once?” Dean nodded, “Well I can’t say for sure what Cassie’s gonna do, but that is a good sign.”

So it had been a week and Dean waited. He didn’t want to do to work, all he really wanted to do was wait in his car outside Cas’s house but he didn’t want to pressure him, or scare him away. So he waited.

He was at work when Cas came. The brunet was tentative and Dean almost didn’t hear him.

“Hey Cas,” He said softly, he didn’t know what to do. He wanted to go to Cas and take the man’s hand but the other pulled away when Dean crossed over into his space.

“Hey James.”

“Dean.” Cas nodded.

“Dean. Right. You’ll have to be patient with me.”

“Does this mean…?” Cas nodded slightly and Dean broke into a grin. He leaned in to kiss his boyfriend but Cas pulled away. They covered up the awkwardness by watching Dean drop a tool. “Fuck,” he mumbled as he bent down to pick it up. He hit Cas’s jaw as he was coming up and they both cursed.

“We’ll get better,” Dean promised rubbing his head, before Cas could pull away he thumbed his chin. “We will get there Castiel,” Cas looked into familiar green eyes and pushed his cheek into an unfamiliar, tiny hand.

“I wanted to see if you wanted dinner.” Cas said in a shaky voice. Dean beamed again and nodded.

 Cas watched her, no, him walk to the back and clean up. He had spent a week trying to figure out what to do. He hardly slept as he wrapped his brain around this new chain of events. When he was finally able to get over his panic attacks, his mind would flood him with images of James in his bed, being in another bed, shame, humiliation, memories of a hazy party with drugged solo cups and a group of laughing girls. When he got that under control and could breathe easy (well easier again) he thought.

What it came down to was this: did he want to leave Dean over this? Did he want to stay with Dean the man and just be friends with Dean the…woman? Yes, perhaps he could. There was no doubt in his mind he wanted to stay with Dean, he would do anything, and if that meant being with James, fuck, female Dean all the time…then…then he could solider through.

After Cas had been left alone for a while the older man (Bobby?) came out of a back office.

“So you know.” He crossed his arms and looked sternly at Cas who nodded. “Well you better be there for him. Don’t you say you’re gonna accept this side of him and then leave when things get tough.” Cas nodded again. “Tell me, boy, are you—” He didn’t get to finish his question because James-no-Dean returned. He was wearing a sky blue sundress with a white jacket and Bobby heard Cas sigh. Maybe it would work out. Bobby watched as the two walked out. They didn’t hold hands but Cas did hold his jeep door open for Dean.

“I thought a familiar place might be nice…” Cas said sheepishly as Dean laughed. They were at the same hole in the wall diner. Before he could get out of the car Dean grabbed Cas’s hand. He man tensed but Dean wouldn’t let go.

“It’s still me Cas, I still cook, and hate the new _Star Wars_ movies, I’m getting better at making desserts, and I’m still the man who loves you. Je t’aime, look at me,” he squeezed fingers gently and Cas looked at the woman next to him. She was a complete stranger, Cas wanted to see Dean but all he saw was James. James who was willing to spend the night in a car to prove a point, James who loved swing sets, James who didn’t take shit from anyone.

“I’m sorry I still see James,” he whispered and Dean smiled softly.

“That’s ok, je t’aime, that’s ok you’ll get to know me in time.” Dean let go of their hands and got out of the vehicle.

The conversation wasn’t the easy pace they were used to. Both felt like they were on a blind first date and despite knowing each other for close to a year it was awkward.

“So, um, I never asked why’re you obsessed with wings?” This had to be a safe subject, Dean thought, talk about Cas’s art.

“Oh, um…well I guess I’ve never really thought about it before…”

“Oh, I was just wondering.”

When the check came Dean was glad when Cas didn’t automatically reach for it. They’d worked out a system that each paid every other time, and this time it was Dean’s turn.

“Glad you still remembered,” he laid cash down and the waitress glared at Cas when she came back. Cas just looked confused. Was she glaring because he was with a girl? But then wasn’t boy-girl relationships more acceptable?

“She probably thinks you’re cheap. Thinks you’re making me pay on a first date,” Dean said reading Cas’s confused face easily.

“Oh,” he saw light in Dean’s eyes and in just that one moment he had a blue streak of recognition. This person in front of him was Dean. His _Dean_. But then it was gone when the waitress returned. “This isn’t our first date,” he said bluntly to the waitress, “We’ve been dating for almost a year. It was his turn to pay.” Cas pointed at Dean and the waitress stood with an open mouth. Dean hooted and pulled Cas out of the restaurant laughing so hard tears where coming down his face.

Cas, however, was still frowning. “Dean, Dean,” he waited for her—shit—him to regain his composure.

“Yeah Cas,” Dean giggled out.

“I said ‘his’,” when Dean looked confused Cas elaborated, “When we were inside, I said ‘his turn’. Do you want to be known as a man or a woman?”

“Whatever you’re comfortable with,” Dean said easily, “But I was a man first, I’ve never seen myself as a woman, though,” he twirled, “I do like the way this sits.” He sighed when Cas took a few calming breaths. “You ok?”

“Yeah.” Cas drove them back to Dean’s place but wouldn’t get out of the car so Dean walked to his window.

“You don’t wanna—”

“No, Sam and Gabe are there, I’m not ready…”

“And if they weren’t?” Cas sighed again and Dean could see the beginnings of a panic attack. “It’s ok,” he reached out and kissed Cas’s hand. “We’ll get better.”

Cas nodded, but as he drove away he had serious doubts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it was short but I'll update soon!


	17. Mornin' Cas

They dated a few more times before Dean’s change. Once they’d had their first date Dean made sure to see Cas every day. He was going to lead Cas firmly through this even if it killed him every time his boyfriend flinched away.

He was dead asleep when there was a pounding on the door. It was half past two in the morning and Dean didn’t even see who was waking him up at this fucking hour because whoever it was tackled him and held him tightly around the waist.

“Cas?!”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” He apologized in a never ending stream.

“For what?”

“For not knowing how to handle this, for not…talking to you for not—”

“Hey, shhh, it’s ok, but you could have told me this yesterday or a week ago.”

“I can’t talk to a girl!”

“Castiel,” Dean took Cas by the chin and pulled his face up, “It’s me, it’s not some strange girl you’re talking to, it’s me. And you can tell me anything, right?” Cas nodded. “Ok, now are you gonna come to bed or are you going to leave me again?”

Cas shook his head violently, “I’m not leaving you Dean.” Dean smiled and took Cas’s hand. He led Cas back and stripped him to his boxers.

“You know,” he said as they crawled under the covers. “I won’t push you, but you’re going to have to do this when I’m in my female form because I won’t stop touching you je t’aime.” Cas was expressionless as endless, painful images crowded behind his eyes. “Hey,” Dean rubbed his boyfriend’s arm not understanding the emotion, “It isn’t terrifying, we’ve done it before, Chicago?” Cas still didn’t look relived, “It’s not like I got teeth down there or something.”

“But what if…” Cas sighed and looked at Dean’s very male chest. “What if I don’t…if I’m not…what if I don’t’ get hard?” he finished quickly, Dean laughed softly and held Cas in close to his chest.

“We’ll cross that bridge when we get there,” he whispered in Cas’s ear, “But I wouldn’t worry, you’ve been hard for me in that form before,” Cas looked confused, “The playground, the morning in the hotel, the night in the hotel,” he ticked off his fingers, “When I spoke French, oh! The morning you found out I turned—”

“Only because I thought that was you!” Dean raised his eyebrows and Cas huffed a laugh, “I realize how stupid that sounds,” he said dryly, “But I thought it was _male_ you. And none of those times was I looking at a naked woman!”

“Well almost in that hotel room, I couldn’t keep you off me!”

“I was drunk!” There came a pounding on the wall.

“Go to sleep! This is worse than listening to you two dicks fucking!” Cage called crossly.

“Oh really?” Cas cat called and then started moaning like a porn star, Dean joined in quickly over his laughter.

“I swear to heaven Castiel I will come in there and take your shiny boyfriend away and then you’ll have no one to play with!”

“I’ll still have my hands!” Cas called back gleefully as Dean pulled him into a kiss. They didn’t hear Gabe’s yell, but as they quieted Gabe left them alone. Dean slowed their easy tongue rhythm and pulled away.

“We’re gonna be fine Castiel, but you have to be less nervous around me, I’m no different. “

“Only your whole anatomy, wait, can you get pregnant?”

“No.”

“Ok, good.”

“Should I get excited that you’re worried I could get pregnant?” Cas took several calming breaths to stop the panic attack when he saw the look of open hope and eagerness on Dean’s face.

“Dean I just don’t know…” he said tiredly.

“Hey, I’ll say it till I’m blue in the face: _it’s me_. You’re not bringing home a woman from a bar. It’s not some strange girl jumping you, it’s me. Your stupid idiot, remember?”

Cas nodded slowly, “You’re going to have to keep reminding me.”

Dean pulled Cas in and kissed his forehead. “Gladly,” he hummed tunelessly for a bit and rubbed Cas’s back. He was thrilled when Cas showed up at the garage saying he would try. Dean shifted his arms around to hold his best friend even closer, this was his entire future, right here snoring in his arms. And Dean was going to do everything in his power to keep that future tucked safely next to his heart.

***

**2 Months Later**

“Sam will you at least consider it?” Gabe hated to be pushy but damn it he wanted this and he knew Sam did too. He rubbed both of Sam’s arms as they shook off the night’s sleep.

“Gabe, moving in? That’s a big step and I’m graduating next year, and we have brothers, and…” Gabe cut him off by kissing him.

“I know and I have morning breath, you can’t cook, I’m six years older, and I have a job, and I don’t floss, and—” he paused looking dryly into hazel eyes.

“Those are stupid excuses Gabe.”

“Yours are too!” he looked at Sam, “I know this doesn’t have anything to do with brothers or graduation or any of that horse shit, talk to me.”

“Jess and I agreed to move in just before the accident,” it was quiet but Sam was shocked how easy it was to open up and talk to Gabe.

“Ok,” Gabriel rubbed Sam’s arms. “Ok, well this is different.” When Sam didn’t look convinced he went on, “Well…neither of us really drink so accident is out. You’ve got enough scars for the both of us,” he nuzzled into Sam’s neck making him laugh softly. “And the biggest thing of all: I’m a guy.” He looked so proud of that Sam let out a loud laugh.

“What difference does that make?”

Gabe thought for a moment, “We’ll save money because we don’t have to buy tampons?” Sam laughed again. “Seriously, Sam, we should do this, I don’t want to push but I just want to go to bed with you every night, and make you coffee, and argue about what movie to rent, and watch you wake up every morning. I want to spend lazy Saturdays at the farmer’s market and cheat on the Sunday crosswords. I want—” he stopped when large fingers covered his lips.

“Ok,” Same smiled, “Ok, let’s do it.” Gabe squeaked in joy and threw his arms around Sam’s neck.

“Really?!”

“Really, I want, I want all that too.” Both of them started to grin, smiles that would carry on the rest of the day.

“So I’m thinking we just take a brother and tell them.” Gabe said when they stopped kissing. “I think me coming here would be better, Cassie can be…difficult to put up with. He gets manic about his art, and he had issues about personal space, once he’s comfortable around someone…but hey Deano gets to have fun with that now.” Sam nodded, he knew he had manic days too.

“Gabe?” the shorter man looked up at him waiting patiently. “You’re really ok with…with living together?”

“Wouldn’t have brought it up if I wasn’t.”

“Even when I have…days?”

“Hey,” Gabe cupped Sam’s face when a spark of panic welled up in his hazel eyes. “Seems to me when you have your days it’s when you think everyone is going to leave you?” Sam nodded, “So then _logically_ me living with you is a pretty good sign that I’m sticking around.” Sam smiled and nodded.

“Ok, one brother each. I’ll take Cas you take Dean, he’s not gonna do anything to you.” He said as Gabe blanched. I punch harder than him anyway.” He kissed Gabe’s healed eye, and got out of bed.

“Ok, you mean right now, we’re telling them now.” Sam smiled down at him and pulled on a sweatshirt. He hadn’t realized how relaxing and freeing it was to be around someone and not worry about being shirtless.

“Problem?”

“Oh hell no! I’m ready, I’m just glad I get Dean, have fun waking Cassie up.” He slapped his  boyfriend and best friend on the shoulder. They went out of Sam’s room and found Dean in the kitchen making coffee. “Oh I’m feeling better and better about this plan,” Gabe whispered, “Word to the wise, give him coffee first and then use small words until he drinks two cups. Dean,” he stepped away from Sam and caught the older brother’s attention. “I could go for a Danish, want to join me?” Dean looked confused for a moment but then nodded.

“Lemme get dressed.”

“No fooling around!” he heard a chuckle as his bedroom door closed. Gabe went and hugged Sam around the waist. He smiled and laughed lightly into Sam’s broad chest.

“What?”

“Hmm, just thinking about how we’re gonna get to do this all the time.”

“We already do this all the time.” But Sam was grinning too.

“Fine, Spoilsport,” Gabe pulled away and stuck his tongue out. Dean came out of his bedroom and Gabe squeezed Sam’s hand before walking away. “Remember, two cups.” He waved at the door.

***

“Well, I can’t say I’m surprised.” Dean sipped his coffee and took a bite of a doughnut in Gabe’s car (there was no way they were eating in Baby).

“You think so?” Gabe let out a puff of air.

“Yeah, I knew you had it bad for him when we went out on our very memorable date.”

“What?!” Dean laughed.

“I didn’t know if it would work but then when he had those four days and you kept him grounded. I knew it was only a matter of time.”

“Well this was easy.” Dean set a glare and stared Gabe down.

“I want you to take care of him,” Gabe nodded, “And I want you to let him take care of you.” Gabe was shocked.

“I thought I was the enemy. You know taking your brother away.” Dean gave a small smile that Gabriel figured made his brother’s knees go weak.

“Gabriel you’re making my brother happier than I’ve ever seen him, even with Jess. Yeah I’m sad it won’t be him and me, but I want him like this. So the two of you better take care of each other or—”

“Severing of balls?” They both laughed.

“Yeah and if Sam’s not pulling his share I’ll beat him up. When are you moving in?” Gabe’s mouth dropped. “Oh come on, you think Cas is going to give up his studio? It would take a decade just to scrape those damn postcards off the walls. No, you two live at our place and I’ll move out. Stop,” he held up his hand when Gabe started to protest. “You’re not going to live together just to have someone else around. It’s gonna be hard enough living with that moose without a he-she mess on top.”

“Dean you aren’t a mess, hey maybe you and Cas…” Dean looked up over his coffee, “He loves you, he might have a hard time with your change but he will get used to it and he loves you.” Dean smiled again, “Just talk to him.”

“Ok, but this isn’t about me right now. It’s about you and Sammy. You have a rare opportunity here Gabe, I’ve lived with Sasquatch for years, what do you want to know?” and Gabe shared Dean’s wicked grin.

***

“Cas…” Sam whispered and opened his brother’s door.

“Ughngh, coffee…” a deep voice groaned from somewhere in the darkened room and Sam could barely make out the body covered in blankets. He set the steaming mug on the nightstand and yelped when a strong arm shot out and pulled him down on the bed. A leg was thrown over his hips and Cas’s mouth was on his neck. “I forgive you for leaving me,” he mumbled into Sam’s clavicle, “But you should really make it up to me,” he brought his hands up to Sam’s shoulders and froze when he felt long hair.

“Mornin’ Cas,” Sam said awkwardly near Cas’s navel. Cas groaned loudly and rolled away. Fucking Winchesters, in the past two weeks he’d woken up with three different people in his bed. “C’mon Cas, wake up.” Sam said to Cas’s back. “Dean made coffee,” he wheedled and the hand shot out again and Cas sat up to sip the rejuvenating liquid. As he woke up he couldn’t look Sam in the face without being mortified.

“I’m sorry,” he said trying to regain composure.

“Nah, it’s fine, you finally realized you’re with the wrong brother. It’s ok I get it,” Cas turned white and Sam guffawed.

“No, Sam I’m—”

“Relax Cas, I’m messing with you,” Cas nodded, he was nervous around Sam since he found out about the accident, and then when Dean told him about Sam’s days…he didn’t want to do anything that would set the younger Winchester off. “I have something I want to talk to you about.” Cas looked up from his empty mug. Sam noticed and refilled it, he didn’t know why he was so nervous Cas was Gabe’s younger brother, but he felt like he was asking for Gabe’s hand in marriage or something. He took a breath as he returned. “Gabe and I are going to move in together, here.” He sunk into the bed, “You won’t have to give up your studio, and you can have the house, Gabe said he’d be fine living here.” He babbled on a little a little more as Cas just stared at him.

“And what happened if—when—you go off on the deep end?” Upsetting Sam’s calm be damned, he was thinking about Gabe.

“Well Gabe’s been there before when I’ve lost it, and he’s helped.” Sam wanted to be totally honest, and it felt oddly good to talk this openly about his days.

“Are you violent?”

Sam sighed, “I can be,” Cas just blinked waiting for him to continue. “I went after Gabe once, but it’s usually Dean.” _That_ was not the right thing to say. Cas’s eyes narrowed and his hand tightened around his mug. “But he can hold his own. I haven’t been violent for a while. At least there was the one time two months ago.”

“I never believe Gabe got into a bar fight.” Cas was flinty, “You hit him.” He took in Sam’s miserable face. “Well, he didn’t leave you and he wants to move in so I’m going to have to respect that.”

“Really? You’re not mad?”

“Oh I’m pissed as hell, but Gabe is strong, he thinks I don’t know what he did to keep us alive, but he can take anything.” Sam nodded, “You should ask Dean to move in with you.” Cas jumped almost spilling his coffee. He’d thought about it on and off for a while and it was something he really wanted, but…

“I don’t know Sam, his changes…”

“It was hard at first. I would look at him and wonder who was this stranger living with me.”

“You too?” Cas couldn’t explain how relieved he was.

“Oh yeah, I mean one week he’s my brother and the next it’s this woman I’ve never seen before. I had a hard time adjusting.” Sam didn’t want to say that the hard time meant a week in a psych ward getting him to calm down. “But it just sort of clicked.”

“How?”

“Well I paid attention to the little things, like the songs he sings in the shower or how he only watches the same three movies, or how he takes care of his car. We talked a lot, sharing memories. It was hard, but we got through it.”

“And James?”

“I’ve never heard of James before, but I think he just wanted to make up an excuse to see you between his male changes. Did you notice how similar they were?”

Cas nodded, “I thought I was falling for James, but it was Dean…” he lapsed into silence. “Well,” he said after a while, “I’m going to be watching you but I can’t lie and say I’m not happy.”

“Yeah and if you need help with—” they broke off when the front door opened.

“I turn my back for one minute and you’re already in bed with my brother!” Dean howled when he and Gabe stepped in.

“That’s not the worst of it, he tried to get me to blow him.” Sam said gleefully as Cas groaned and tried to hide behind his coffee mug.

“I can’t leave you alone for a second!” Of course Gabe would betray him.

“Well Gabe,” Same got up and kissed his boyfriend, “We might need to work out some kind of system. I don’t think I can quit Cas, sorry Dean, our love is a candle that cannot burn out.” Dean sighed nobly.

“Well brother you know I can’t deny you anything. If it makes you happy have your way with my boyfriend.” Cas groaned only spurring his stupid idiot on more. “But I beg you Sam,” he moved into full on soap opera mode. “Please be gentle with him. I know you’re the better lover, I just hope I can please him once you’re finished.”

“Yes Sam, you must,” Gabe hammed it up, “But I beg you, please think of me.”

Sam nodded gallantly and moved back to the bed. “I hate you all!” Cas growled out causing al of them to laugh.

“Ok, out,” Dean pushed Gabe and his little brother out of the room.

“Bye-bye lover!” Sam called like a dorky puppy and all three of them laughed. Dean fell into the bed and looked up at Cas through his eyelashes. Cas’s heart did fifteen flips as Dean took his empty mug from his hands.

“So…wanna live together?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, right? I had fun writing this chapter. Work has been keeping me uber busy but it all will clear up in about two weeks. Thanks for the lovely comments and don't be afraid to leave more!


	18. Just Leave So We Can Have Sex!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pretty much just good ol' fashioned smut. Enjoy! Comments are appreciated as always!

“Piv—”

“I swear Gabe if you said ‘pivot’ one more fucking time…I’m dropping this desk.” Cas grunted. It was the Saturday after Gabe and Sam decided to live together. They were moving Gabe’s things in, and to Cas’s nervous terror, Dean’s things out to Cas’s house. Their house, Dean had said gleefully, Cas smiled and nodded, even though his stomach was clenching. He didn’t want another panic attack so he lifted another box of Gabe’s books.

A few hours later found them dropping off the boxes filled with Dean’s cooking equipment. Gabe had complained but Cas smacked him across the head.

“If we had to carry all your fucking books you can carry some pots and pans.”

“Don’t let Dean hear you say pots and pans,” Sam laughed with a box in his arms, “Unless you want to hear the name of every single item.” Cas groaned. “Oh and you’ll be trained in proper cleaning. Dean’s very protective of his cook wear.”

“Good luck baby bro,” Gabe sniggered as he clapped Cas on the shoulder.

“Sam!” Cas called and the tall man turned, “Gabe really loves it if you just put his books wherever on the shelf, and it really relaxes him if you play hard rock, _especially_ when he’s on his laptop.” Gabe smacked Cas who hit him back and soon they were wrestling on the grass. Dean came out of the house and stood next to his brother watching the two on the ground.

“Twenty on Cas,” Dean grunted.

“Done. Gabe’s gonna win, he’s scrappy.”

“Dude, I can’t believe you just said that.” They watched and Dean cheered when Cas pulled off a spectacular move. “Ooh that had to hurt!” When a fist landed on a back.

“Thirty on Cas,” Sam tried desperately, he wanted to be a faithful boyfriend but he was more than relieved that Gabe had never been in a fight.

“No way Sammy, but maybe I’ll be nice and not mention to your lover you bet against him.”

“What do you want?”

“Forty.”

“You dirty rotten—”

“Hey Gabe!”

“Ok, ok,” the fight was winding down and the Novak brothers were tiring. As predicted Gabe tapped out first and both looked up from the ground to see Sam slapping money into the palm of a _very_ satisfied Dean.

“You bet on us?!”

“Don’t be mad honey, I’d never bet against you.” Dean flopped down on them and landed on Gabe. He grunted and tried to push Dean off but the older Winchester was too heavy. Dean leaned in and kissed Cas, and Gabe groaned even louder.

“How much did I win you?” Cas asked dryly.

“Forty.”

As much as he could Gabe turned over to Sam, “Hey I’m sorry I lost you that money but I’m going to be happy that you bet so high on me.”

“Yup Sammy just kept on going up and up,” Dean finally rolled off Gabe and threw a shit eating grin back at the bitchface.

“Well,” the three stood with Sam, each echoing Sam’s well. None knew exactly what they were supposed to do next.

“So we’ll…”

“Yeah we’ll…”

“Oh, just leave so we can have sex!” Cas surprised them all, even himself. “You’re going to do it too, don’t deny. We’re all going to fuck out in the open, and we’ll be loud, and we’ll wander around naked, and none of us will worry about brothers walking in.” He slung his hand behind Dean’s back and slipped his hand in his boyfriend’s pants to make him jump.

“Uh, yeah, you should go—now.” Sam and Gabe shared an eye roll. “Sunday dinner,” Dean called as they walked away, “We should do that tradition, you guys come over for Sunday dinner.” They all looked at him.

“Aww,” Gabe started.

“He’s adorable,” Sam finished.

“Fuck off,” Dean said flipping them off. He pulled Cas into an open mouth kiss and sucked on Cas’s tongue. They heard grumbling and when Dean peeked out the two were gone. He sighed.

“You’ll see him again.” Cas said rubbing Dean’s shoulders.

“Yeah, I know, I just—it’s not the same. I’ve been taking care of that kid since—since I don’t know and now that’s not me anymore.”

“Well come next Sunday you’re going to have to take care of me.”

“Hey, babe, I’ll always take care of you.” Dean slung his arm around Cas’s shoulders and led him into the house. “Now I should show you how to clean my _pots and pans_.” Cas groaned ad Dean laughed loudly. “How about this: you deal with my pots and pans and I’ll let you paint me wherever, whenever, and…in whatever…” he puffed a bit of air into Cas’s ear and the brown haired man shivered.

“As much as I would love nothing more than just listening to the cleaning of your pots and pans, I feel I’m just too _tense_ to pay close attention.”

“Oh, baby are you tense?” Dean grinned wickedly, closed the door with his foot, and walked towards his soul mate until he was close enough to slot their hips together. He pushed Cas firmly against the wall and both of them moaned out loudly. “Where do you wanna do it first?” Dean said, he didn’t let Cas answer right away as he had his tongue so deep in his lover’s throat he thought he could taste Cas’s lungs. Cas ran his hands up and down Dean’s back chasing lips as he lifted a leg to wrap around Dean’s waist. His cock was begging and he could feel another hardened shaft rubbing him just as eager.

“Mmm, fuck, couch,” Cas finally managed out when Dean pulled away, only to suck a hickey on his jaw.

***

“Well that was fun—” Gabe didn’t get to finish because Sam plastered him against the wall and thrust into his hip. “Oh hell yeah,” Gabe growled as he fisted into dark hair. He found Sam’s mouth and he licked teeth, tongue, cheek, anything he could get his tongue into as Sam’s huge hands roamed all over his body. Ok, yes, they’d done it this morning but there was a different hunger now.

Sam broke away long enough to strip both their shirts and suction on to the magic spot where Gabe’s neck met his shoulders. The small man moaned loudly and swallowed his desire, making it hard to think past the skin under his fingertips. And why the hell should he? No brothers were going to walk in and this was now the beginning of his and Sam’s life. _Their life_. With that something clicked and he pushed Sam into another wall and attacked the nipple in front of him. Sam pushed his chest into Gabe’s mouth and he ran his hands through reddish hair. He slowly, or at least as slowly as he could, ran his hands down muscled arms, a chiseled chest, and down to the rock hard abs.

Gabe moved to Sam’s other nipple reveling in the amazing moans panted under him. His hands twirled over sides as Sam pushed him harder into his chest. Finally Gabe reached a belt and jeans which he started to loosen. He felt Sam’s half hard cock and pulled away from his lover’s chest.

“I’m so very sorry,” he said sadly, “I’m going to have to work more on my tongue and mouth skills, I wanted you _hard._ ” He went back to sucking on Sam’s chest, but his hands stayed stuck on Sam’s hips.

“Gabe,” Sam whined, he tried to get Gabe’s hands closer to his shaft. He could feel Gabriel smirk against his Adam’s apple.

“Nuh-uh not until you feel you’re gonna come in your pants.” Sam groaned and pushed himself into his boyfriend harder.

“You fucking tease,” two can play at that game. He ghosted his hands down Gabe’s back. He let just the tips of his fingers play with Gabe’s jeans. After a while he allowed his fingers roam behind Gabe’s jeans until he found a tight circle of muscle. Sam smirked into Gabe’s hair as he felt the mouth jump on his chest.

***

“Oh you dirty boy,” Dean smiled widely. He grabbed Cas’s other leg and wrapped them both around his waist. Cas held onto Dean’s shoulders as he kissed Dean senseless, his hands running like mad through short hair. Dean couldn’t move his hands from Cas’s ass, but he was able to thrust up a few times causing each of them to groan. He was able to take a few steps from the wall and in the general direction of the couch, but when Cas pushed his hand down behind Dean’s jeans an snaked two fingers between Dean’s cheeks his concentration slipped. The kiss got even hotter as the man stumbled a bit but kept trying to walk. Cas continued to assault Dean’s ass causing him to almost drop Cas.

“Je t’aime you keep doing that I’m not going to make it to the couch.”

“Oh, so easily distracted,” Cas shoved his tongue back in Dean’s mouth and then flicked his hole at the same time, earning a full body shudder from his stupid idiot under him. Dean stopped walking completely and Cas flicked him again. Before he could tease again he felt himself flying as Dean threw him onto the couch. Dean shucked his sweaty shirt and he snaked his body up Cas’s and lay fully on him. He yanked at Cas’s shirt and the black fabric soon disappeared. Cas tried to suck on Dean but the other man had his own plans. He started slowly down Cas’s chest paying attention to all the skin he could kiss and suck. Before he could get too far Cas grabbed one of Dean’s hands and held it to his mouth. Dean locked eyes and smiled at him and then suctioned on to one of Cas’s nipples. Cas threw his head back and rubbed his thigh at the fork in Dean’s legs. He felt a rumbling growl in his stomach as Dean moved further down.

Dean was going to have an excellent hickey on his wrist but he couldn’t take his arm away from Castiel’s mouth. Hell the dude could bite him and suck his blood and Dean probably wouldn’t stop him. He finally got to a belt and zipper, and he could feel something very hard pressing at his throat. Cas let go of his wrist just long enough to get his belt and pants undone and then took Dean’s other wrist in his mouth and Dean was hella fine with pulling the fabric away with his teeth keeping blue eyes locked on his the whole time.

                                                                                                    ***

“Oh fuck Sam,” Gabe was beyond wrecked and all Sam had done was ghost his fingers over his hole.

“I think I’m hard now.” Sam said innocently and Gabe wanted to smack him. Instead he cupped Sam and groped him obscenely. When he knew Sam was far gone he started to tug him, by the shaft, leading the gigantic man through their apartment. He grabbed the lube with his free hand and looked at Sam.

“Where do you want to do it first?” he tried to ask innocently and he was rewarded by Sam pressing him against the living room wall. There was no ghosting of fingers this time but sheer manic passion. Sam’s mouth was everywhere and Gabe held on to broad, naked shoulders. Sam placed his hands to Gabe’s hips, as his tongue lapped up a patch on Gabe’s shoulder causing a needy moan to rise up out of his partner’s mouth. Sam smirked, he never felt so powerful, that _he_ could turn Gabriel into a mewling, needy mess with just a few kisses. He hoped Gabe would be up for bottoming tonight, Gabe had always been top but now Sam felt like switching roles.

Giving Gabe the message he took the lube from his lover’s hands and started working it on his fingers just the way Gabe had done to him hundreds of times.

“Ride me,” he growled out as he bit down on Gabriel’s lips.

“Oh fuck yes,” Gabe moaned when a finger came back. “Wait Sam,” he repositioned so he could wrap his legs around Sam’s waist to open himself up more. Sam used his strength and pressed Gabe against the wall, his mouth swallowing up moans as a finger eased into his love.

“Why,” Gabe gasped as he steadied himself on naked shoulders, “Why have we never done this before?” Same laughed.

“Because you’re too forceful,” he teased and it turned into a moan as Gabe bit down on his shoulder, the smaller man’s body writhing when another finger burned into him.

***

“Dean!” Cas yelled as the other man sucked at the wet patch on his boxers. Suddenly Cas felt cold all over when Dean pulled away completely and left the couch. “Dean!” Cas whined and in seconds (which felt like an eternity) Dean retuned with a bottle of lube. Seeing the pleading, needy look on Cas’s face he slowed and tossed the bottle to Cas. Then ever so slowly, unbuckled his belt and slipped it off. the button came next and the zipper teased down. Dean smirked darkly and Cas’s lust skyrocketed.

“I feel we should have music and a pole,” he choked out, his everything aching in need for Dean’s body. Dean laughed as he hooked his thumbs in his jeans and pushed them down. He crawled over to the couch and pushed Cas into a sitting position. He straddled Cas’s boxers and leaned in to whisper.

“Well then you _must_ have a lap dance.” They both groaned when Dean dropped his hips and grinded into Cas. Both of their bodies jumped every time a cock hit the other and Cas held on to Dean’s hips so he could thrust up. Dean breathed heavily and held his soul mate’s face as he twisted his hips back and forth. He began by kissing tenderly but with each sway of his hips the need became greater. They were soon completely breathless and rolling around on the couch. They fell to the floor but their passion made them oblivious to pain.

In what felt like seconds Cas was prepped and Dean was rolling into him. They continued rolling Dean thrusting into Cas and Castiel grinding his hips around the most perfect shaft he’d ever known. They finally ended with Dean on his back as Cas was curled into his chest bringing himself down on both cock and mouth.

“Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck,” Dean chanted as a golden wave started crashing into him.

“I know, baby, I know,” Cas groaned when Dean hit his prostate at just the right angle and he shot out over Dean’s chest. He flew high again when he felt Dean spill over and fill him with a shout. They kissed, swallowing moans and heavy breathing until both calmed. Cas remained curled on Dean’s chest and Dean brought his legs up, planting them firmly and enjoying the feel of Castiel’s ass rubbing on his thighs. The passion wasn’t earth shattering or bed breaking but they stayed glued together until their breathing slowed and their eye lids became sleepy. Cas made a move to pull away but Dean only held him tighter.

“Stay, right here, never move away.”

“Ok,” Cas curled into Dean and they fell asleep on the floor, utterly content.

***

“Oh Sam,” Gabe groaned when four fingers burned into him.

“Are you ready?” They’d stopped just long enough to lose the rest of their clothes and Gabe was back in Sam’s arms, wrapped in all ways around a hard waist.

“Sam, you get in me now or you’ll regret it.” That was the invitation Sam needed and he removed his fingers and dropped Gabriel down on him. He threw his head back and reveled in the most perfect feeling he’d ever had. Gabe around his shaft was amazing, tight, and hot, and there was this spot Sam knew now was the magical oh-so-sensitive prostate. His legs were on fire but Gabe quickly falling apart in his arms made him thrust even harder. He was strong enough to hold the sandy haired man with one arm so he was able to pull at the unattended shaft between them.

“I’m not gonna last—” Sam grunted and the smaller man took a nipple in his mouth and rolled it between his teeth. Sam’s body responded by shuddering and he almost broke his rhythm. Gabe pulled back and locked his eyes with his lover.

“Then come,” he held Sam’s neck and kissed him deeply. “Come on, baby, come,” he grunted and shoved his tongue back down his lover’s throat. Sam rolled his hand around Gabe’s cock and thumbed his slit causing the man to scream out and shoot hot cum everywhere. He spasmed around the Sam’s cock causing the man to come going crazy on the added sensation.

When they came down from their high Sam gently put down Gabe and they kissed for a long time. They cradled one another and were lost in being.

“I think I’m going to like it here.” Gabe whispered earning a huge laugh from Sam.


	19. Let's Have Sex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok I'm sorry it's short, but the next chapter is a long one and then maybe three, four (?) more chapters after that! I can't believe the great comments and love I've gotten for my little fic! I'm truly blessed to have all of you here!

"I think we should have sex. Tonight." Dean had been thinking of this for a while and after three months of living together Dean was ready for some actin in his female form.   
  
"Wh-what?" Cas was thrown, he thought he finally was finding a rhythm. He and Dean were comfortable. They had sex every other two seeks, but this Cas was ok with cuddling and holding James. Dean. He was still having trouble. But he was starting to see Dean in his female form. It wasn't a strange woman, but an almost Dean. A Dean before Cas. He was getting there, but this was going too fast.  
  
"Cas," Dean reached and cupped his lover's face when he felt Cas beginning to lose it. "Castiel, je t'aime, it's me, nothing bad will happen." Cas nodded, but really it was to see Dean's face light with happiness. Well, not Dean's face. Almost Dean's face.   
  
"Ok," he took deep breaths. The rest of the day Cas painted but a panic attack was just waiting, niggling under the surface. When Dean got home from work she made burgers and Cas was silent. After dinner would be dishes, and after dishes...that was when the deep breathing stated up again.  
  
Dean watched as Cas stared off unit space sounding like an elephant breathing, he sighed and dropped his burger, was the idea of being with him that horrible? He moved closer and held Cas's hand. The other jumped and Dean felt even worse.  
  
"I'm sorry," Cas moaned, burying his face in his hands. "I've tried, I want to sleep with you, but it's just...there are too many bad memories." The one particular bad memory hazed up to the surface like vomit. Dean rested his head I Cas's shoulder and ran his hands up and down his partner's arms. "I--it was in high school, I was going to lose my virginity, I didn't really think about my sexuality, I just knew you were supposed to lose your virginity to a girl in high school...I," he swallowed hard, "I was laughed out of the car." He finished softly.   
  
"It didn't end there." Cas shook his head.  
  
"No, I, um..." He couldn't say it, Dean would hate him forever. Or worse, he would hate and despise himself for being what he was. He turned his head so he could lean against Almost Dean's. "There was a prank, it was nothing, but it sort of made me afraid of girls ever since." They were quiet as Cas swallowed thickly, "I want to so bad, but I can't."  
  
"It's ok, we'll go slow and if it doesn't feel right we'll stop. Nothing will change the way I feel about you je t'aime." Cas nodded.  
  
"You promise you won't laugh at me?"   
  
"Only if you try to start cooking or you think you can be a stand up comedian." Cas smiled.  
  
"Ok," Dean moved the slowly. He pulled Cas away from the table and led them through the house. Once in the bedroom he sat Cas on the bed and stood between his knees.   
  
"Close your eyes," he whispered and placed his hand over Cas's eyes and he rested in the silence and darkness off the room. Suddenly slow lips were on him and they were Dean's. His Dean, no almost Dean, no female Dean, his Dean. The kiss heated up and Cas was thinking he could get used to this when a small hand moved down to palm him. "Shhh, it's ok, ok I'm here." Dean murmured when he felt Cas jump.  
  
"No, no, I can't," Cas pushed the hands away and ran from the room. Dean flopped on the bed and sighed. He wasn't the sex addict anymore. Hell the last time he was in his male form they'd only had sex twice. They were being grown up. It wasn't all about sex. Dean was happy sitting across the table from Cas, or watching him try to finish a painting, or cooking for Cas. Just being with his boyfriend was enough. Dean flopped on the bed it wasn't all about the sex.  
  
Then why the fuck did it have to be all about sex?  
  
If Dean didn't need it then why did he need Cas to bury himself in his vagina? Why was the image of riding Cas in his female form burned into his brain, consuming his thoughts?

Dean padded through the dark house and saw a faint light from what used to be Gabe’s room and was now where they put Dean’s old bed.

“Cas?” he knocked faintly on the door, “Cas, je t’aime, it’s ok. We’re fine, baby please come out.” The house stayed silent, “Ok, ok baby, I’ll wait.” Dean walked away and Cas was glad he never came in. He didn’t have enough time to wipe the tears from his face.

***

Four changes later and they’d made some progress. It had been almost three years since the kissing booth and other than the “bedroom issue” Dean was truly happy. Well, if he was completely honest he could be a lot happier if Cas didn’t flinch away if his female form wasn’t completely covered. Naked as a man? Cas couldn’t keep his hands to himself, but wear a tank top as a woman? Cas would look away guiltily and hardly touch him.

It was the same in bed too. Asleep Cas would roll over and tangle himself up with Dean in whatever form, but awake he would wait for Dean to spoon him or he’d keep his distance. Dean thought maybe modeling would help but Cas refused to be naked with him and when it came time to moving him about he’d leave Dean to pick the pose.

But it was getting better. If Dean initiated the kiss Cas was more than happy to comply, and they’d gotten far enough to where Dean could blow Cas (only with all his clothes on).

What kept Dean going was knowing that Cas was trying. He was as frustrated as Dean and he pushed himself to the point that Dean was the one to stop them a few times. Cas would try and hide how uncomfortable he was and Dean would put on the brakes. He would kiss and slow the passion back until they were comfortably detached.

And it wasn’t that the passion completely stopped, there were times they never were able to get out of bed and would pant in the post coital bliss only to lock eyes and start all over again. But that was only when he was in his male form and it only made it harder when he changed.

“Dean?” He woke up from his thoughts to see Cas carrying in the last of the groceries. “I asked you what you were making for dinner?”

“Oh, um…pasta? Does that sound good?” Cas hugged him, resting his head on a flat chest.

“That sounds amazing,” he put everything away as Dean started cooking. After he was done Cas moved to his studio and started sculpting. Dean would catch glimpses of his love and every look made him smile. No matter what problems they had at least they were both head over heels in love.

“Cas,” he called, “Supper. No,” he pointed a sauce spoon at the sink in the studio that he installed four months ago. “You wash up out there, the last time you clogged up the sink with your clay.” Cas made a face and Dean heard him mutter “stupid idiot” as he walked back out to the studio. To make room for the sink and to connect it easier to the waterline, Dean had knocked out one of the studio’s walls and made it larger which Cas now loved but was a terror when it was being worked on.

“You know I’m only going to listen to you because you did such a good job installing the kiln last month.” The bigger studio meant Dean was able to put in the stupidly large and stupidly hot pottery oven. Though he’d learned now to call it a kiln and not pottery oven.

“I had to, you’re a professional artist now,” it was true, two months ago Cas was finally able to quit the bar and they lived off of Dean’s job and Cas’s art. It also helped that Gabe’s latest book became a movie and he paid off the house (and the pottery oven which Dean nearly fainted when he saw the price tag). Dean dished up the pasta and Cas returned clean and clay-less. “Besides,” he set the plates down and Cas grabbed some forks, “When that _pottery oven_ is on it’s hotter than hell so our heating bill is down to nothing.” Cas made a face again and kissed his stupid idiot.

“Then I’m a regular ol’ genius.” Dean smiled at him and chewed on. They talked about their days, the trip to Denver they were doing in three weeks for a show of Cas’s, the book tour Gabe and Sam were currently on. Everything.

“Wait,” Cas stopped Dean was he moved to clean up their empty plates. “I have a question for you.” Dean sat down and looked expectantly. “Ok, wow, I don’t know where to start. I love you.” Dean nodded, “I love you more than anything and I’m going to do everything in my power to make you happy.” He placed a small box on the table. “Marry me?”

Dean was quiet for less than a second but threw his arms around Cas with such a force that they toppled over on the floor. Dean started laughing and Cas joined him. He reached up and grabbed the small, black box. In it was a dark mahogany ring with a band of silver through the middle. He slipped it on Dean’s finger and they both sighed as Dean started on the task of kissing Cas senseless.

They got to the bedroom and it was Dean’s turn to lay on his stomach while Cas prepped him. Dean didn’t bottom often, but both men loved the role reversal. Cas was currently enjoying sucking hickies on Dean’s ass while he scissored his boyfriend—no not boyfriend—future husband he thought giddily. When he was ready Cas brought him to his knees and sank in.

“Marry me,” he sighed out when he started thrusting.

“Yes,” Dean cried out. How was it that every time he forgot he had a prostate? He could die on the sensations in him right now, _but_ …his mind couldn’t let it go as it reminded him of another bundle of nerves that hadn’t been touched in nearly three years. Dean groaned and screwed his eyes shut, he was not going to think of Cas fucking him as a woman while he was fucking him right now.

To get rid of the images and longings Dean raised himself up and melted his back into Cas’s chest. He pulled at dark hair and pushed Cas into a breath taking kiss. Cas moved his hands down to a perfect cock to jerk Dean off swallowing his needy moans. He rolled balls in his fingers and felt Dean’s body tense completely.

“Marry me,” Dean panted.

“Yes,” Cas panted back. That was how it went, with marry me’s and yes’s panting back and forth as they sweated and rutted their bodies as one. When they came it was fantastic and loud. They both blacked out for a minute and when they came to the bed was a mess but they collapsed onto it, Dean spinning around so he could lay chest to chest with his husband.

“Cas,” Dean rubbed his lover’s arms.

“Hmm?” Cas was lazy and almost asleep.

“You really want to marry me? Even with…” he let his voice drop off. Cas reached up to thumb Dean’s cheeks.

“Of course, I know that I’m frustrating and I’m not giving you what you want but I’m trying.” Dean sighed and grinned.

“Let’s get married.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know angst, angst, angst, but I think the end is hopeful! Comments are always loved and appreciated!


	20. You Owe Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I was hesitant to publish this only because I don't want to give this story up. You all have been so kind and wonderful in your comments and I'm having a hard time letting go. But then I told myself I was being silly so here it is!

“They’re what?” Sam was stunned. He knew Dean had become a different person after he’d met Cas, but he’d never thought his brother entertained the idea of marriage.

“Guess so, Cassie asked last night,” Gabe and Sam were in some hotel bed, Gabe nuzzled between Sam’s legs and leaning against a hard chest. He had his laptop out and working on a new manuscript.

“Well if Cas can handle Dean’s change then good for them,” Same returned to his law books. Now that he’d gotten his panic attacks under control he was quickly on his way to becoming a lawyer. “I mean if I can put up with not knowing what city I’m in day to day and your cooking Cas can marry Dean.”

“Hey, that’s a low blow! Pot calling the kettle black why not? Or do I need to remind you of those eggs?” Sam flinched and Gabe huffed, “And I _can_ cook.”

“I warned you about my cooking from the very beginning.” Sam said idly, “And Gabriel,” he turned his boyfriend’s face and kissed his nose, “Adding bacon and maple syrup to everything isn’t cooking.”

“It adds a fall flavor,” Gabe said primly getting a laugh.

“Uh-huh, it’s April,” Gabe stuck out his tongue and Sam kissed it and then they lapsed into silence. Sam was six months from taking the Bar and Gabe was beginning to feel the pressure from his editors for a new book.

“It’s not like I just got a movie deal and quadrupled their sales or anything,” he complained constantly. Sam would only smile and kiss whatever part of Gabe that was closest.

“What sounds better,” Gabe said breaking their silence, “Sword or buckler? Or sword and shield?”

“Sword and shield,” Sam said not looking up from his books.

“It’s the same thing!”

“Most people don’t know what a buckler is.”

“Then they’re idiots.”

“They’re your readers.”

“Then they’re really idiots.” Gabe grumbled.

“Good line, you should open with that tomorrow at the book signing.”

“Don’t tempt me.” They fell into comfortable silence again and three hours later Gabe yawned and closed his laptop.

“No more! Brain done! Sleep now!”

“Is this dialogue from your new book?” Sam teased as he closed his book and settled down on the bed.

“Yup,” Gabe said as he turned the light off. “The character is a six foot four inch brute who has long brown hair and is a troll.” Sam laughed and squeezed Gabe tighter.

“I’m going to get you for that.”

“Oh what are you going to do Winchester?”

“Kiss you,” they started kissing and Sam threw a heavy leg over Gabe to pull him in closer. Their tongues began to play but both were too exhausted from the book tour to move further than that. So they kissed and slowly fell asleep.

***

“Those guys were really nice!” Cas smacked his lips. If there was a benchmark for three sheets to the wind Cas was about seven or eight sheets past that. Dean couldn’t stop laughing as they made their way into the hotel. He was lightly buzzed, his female form couldn’t hold as much as his male, and even if he was in his male body Dean still wouldn’t have drank much. Seeing Cas down drink after drink made him pause. He’d have to be the sober one because his future husband was long gone.

“Dean,” Cas pressed Dean against the wall and kissed him deeply. As his hands moved lower Dean jumped and pushed Cas away.

“Ok you’re horny,” he felt a shaft pressed hard into him, “Really horny,” Cas pouted and looked at Dean. “Fine we can have sex,” Cas beamed, “But not in the lobby,” Cas realized where they were and started giggling. He snorted and couldn’t stop laughing all the way to the elevator, through the hall, and into their room.

“What’s so funny now?” Dean couldn’t be mad at drunk Cas, the guy was way too adorable.

“Wel-welcome to Denver,” Cas wheezed out and broke into hysterics again.

“Ok…well I guess that can be funny.” Cas laughed and suddenly stopped, looking at Dean who was standing at the door.

“Dean why are you so far away?” He tried to do a sexy crawl on the bed but fell off and Dean ran to him. He was terrified for a moment when there were tears in Cas’s eyes. “I’m sorry,” he drunkenly reached for Dean, “I’m so sorry I can’t give you what you need.”

“Shhh- je t’aime it’s ok,” Cas shook his head into Dean’s chest.

“No I want to,” he looked up and knocked Dean over kissing him hard. The passion was amped up to past 11 and Cas’s hands roamed everywhere they could. He was like the Road Runner and Speedy Gonzales moving quickly and trying to touch everything of Dean’s.

“Dean!” he called in fear waking Dean up for a second from his fogged lust. This reminded Dean of the first time he slept with Cas after being taken home from the bar, the frenzied hands and _Ineedyounow_ frantic. “Dean! You’re not hard!”

“Cas I don’t have a penis.”

“Oh that’s right, how silly of me.” Dean pulled them up and stated kissing on the bed. They were naked instantly and their mouths were sloppy and hot while Cas straddled Dean. Cas moved fast because it seemed that was the only speed he knew when he was in drunk mode and Dean matched his pace because he was terrified at any minute this would be gone and Castiel would shrink away from him.

“Dean,” Cas stopped everything and looked scared. “Where—where do I put it?” he whispered adding in a nervous giggle. Dean pushed Cas on his back and returned to kissing, an action Cas responded to with vigor. He then unwound Cas’s legs from around his waist and slipped a hand between them. Cas moaned around his tongue when his hand fingered the rock hard cock between them, and without breaking the kiss Dean eased himself onto it. “You mean you don’t need fingers? Or lube? Women’s bodies are amazing!” Cas broke away in fascination and since it seemed all he wanted to do was watch, Dean sat up and rode him like a horse.

It didn’t take long for Cas to throw his head back and yell, he grabbed Dean’s hips and pulled them this way and that way creating a feeling of absolute completion in Dean. And when they came together…Dean wasn’t the only one who’s muscles tensed in frozen golden awareness.

“Do we have to clean up?” Cas rolled over Dean.

“Nope,” Cas tangled everything he could with Dean after a messy kiss.

“I like sex with you, that was awesome.”

“Glad I could provide.”

“Dean?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m going to forget this,” the voice was sad.

“Yeah.”

“I don’t want to,” Dean felt Cas’s head rubbing between his shoulders and was silent. “Dean you have to sleep with me, just do whatever it takes, even if I fight you.”

“I’m not gonna rape you Cas.”

“No! But—” Dean didn’t get to hear the last of what Cas wanted to say as his fiancé passed out. Dean shook his head and fell asleep reveling in the feeling of Cas pressed against him, spooning him.

***

When Cas woke with the world’s most fantastic hangover he was elated. Well after he pulled his junk away from a naked ass and discreetly moved his arm from around breasts to a waist. Once those were done he was over the moon. It seemed in drunk mode he could give Dean exactly what the man needed. He wanted to so bad he was contemplating popping some little blue pills just to help things along. If they worked once…but Cas didn’t want to think about that. He was never going to tell Dean so it was better if he pushed it back like always. He looked down at the woman in his arms. He was beginning to see Dean, but he wasn’t quite there yet. That was a bit of a lie but Cas pushed that black thought back to be deepness of his mind as well.

Almost Dean shifted and Cas nuzzled his face into a neck and pretended to fall back asleep. “Nice try je t’aime.” Cas looked up and met dancing green eyes.

“How do you always know?”

“Because you snore.”

“I do not!”

“Yes you do!” Dean kissed his lover feeling light. Yes, at some point he should be disappointed they had to resort to Cas drinking a lake to get into bed but he pushed it away. He was still in Cas’s arms and naked. Wait. Naked. Before Cas could react he spun around and pressed him into the bed. He attacked lips and put hands on his waist. Cas was taken aback and when he didn’t move away Dean opened his legs and brought Cas’s morning wood inside him. The body tensed and froze but Dean moved his hips firmly. He ground into Cas but was too busy kissing his neck to see his face.

Cas was terrified, this was too much like high school. Black thoughts and red terror crashed into him so hard he didn’t realize who he was with. He just pushed, punched, scratched, kicked, anything to get away from those laughing faces. He landed hard on the floor and covered his head in his arms.

“Cas, baby, Cas je t’aime, please, please look at me,” Almost Dean’s voice came though panicked and Cas fought again when small hands touched his arms. “Cas, baby I’m sorry, I’ll never, I’m so sorry,” Cas looked up and shrank away. The face in front of him was bloody and bruised. There were scratches across her arms and abdomen. Tears were streaming down her face and mixing with a particularly large bruise on her cheek. “Please je t’aime, please forgive me, I’m so sorry I shouldn’t have pushed please—” Cas pushed her hands away and locked himself in the bathroom.

Dean fell back on the bed and wept. Sobs wracked his body and he didn’t think he’d ever cried so hard in his life. He felt like his soul was ripped in two. He thought Cas’s block was just because he was firmly in the gay camp. But Dean saw fear this morning, Cas was terrified and Dean had made him that way. He pushed too hard and now Cas would never forgive him. Another small dark thought came up but Dean pressed hard into one of his scratches using the pain to chase it away.

Cas curled himself into the shower. He tried to make himself as small as possible, he hurt Dean. Almost Dean, but it was still Dean. He beat down a sob but he started panicking. Again he saw the blood on his hands. He began thrashing and strong hands came around his wrists. She’d dressed and cleaned her face up and kept her eyes at her feet.

“Shh, baby, shh,” thumbs rubbed small circles into his wrists and Cas stilled. She pulled him up and to the sink and washed off all the blood. Cas nearly lost it again when he saw the sink turn pink but the fingers massaged his wrists again and he calmed. When Almost Dean was done she placed a pile of clothes on the counter and closed the door behind her. Cas dressed numbly but didn’t leave the small room, he sat on the floor in the corner and tried to prepare himself to go out to Almost Dean.

Fortunately he didn’t have to make that decision. After a while a soft knock came at the door, “Cas, I packed the car, let’s go home.” He nodded knowing Almost Dean couldn’t see, wiped his face, and opened the door. He noticed numbly the bed was made but it added to his calm. If he’d seen a messy bed he would be reminded of what he did…he reached out and grabbed Almost Dean’s hand. He needed something concrete right now. The fingers squeezed his and pulled him to the car.

***

Dean woke up as a man and he tried to be happy about it. He rolled over in his old bed and looked at the empty pillow next to him. When they got back from Denver they separated, Cas stayed in their room and Dean slept in the guest room. Other than coaxing him out with food Cas never left, Dean checked in before and after work but got nothing. He was used to taking care of Sammy when he was like this, but this was so much worse because he knew he was the direct cause.

“Hey Dean,” a small voice pressed itself into his back and Dean tensed and then relaxed. They stayed quiet for a long time.

“It’s all my fault. Cas I’m so sorry I wish I wasn’t cursed, I’m sorry it’s all my fault.” Cas held him tighter.

“It’s not your fault Dean. I’m the one who—” his breathing became rapid so Dean turned to face him.

“Only because I forced you, Castiel I raped you!” Cas took a teary face in his hands. The bruises, his bruises, were still there and he began to weep. They held one another crying until they fell asleep.

***

They say time heals all wounds. After seven changes Dean wished desperately that it were true. They’d been together now for a little over three and a half years and since Denver it seemed like the marriage was on hold. They’d both gotten back to holding each other in the darkness of bed, and kissing (lightly, no tongue), and almost sex (once, but only as two men). But when Dean changed into a woman he spent his nights in the guest room. They’d gotten as far as holding hands and Dean resting his head on Cas’s shoulder or Cas laying on Dean’s lap on the couch in Dean’s female form but nothing after that. It wasn’t to say they didn’t return to normal in all the other ways. They talked and laughed and loved. Just didn’t touch. Cas would shiver away remembering what his fists did and Dean would shell up remembering the terror he caused.

“Try this,” Dean held up a sauce spoon for Cas.

“Needs something,” Cas didn’t look up from his painting.

“Like what kind of something?”

“Oregano or chives.” Dean went back to the kitchen. He was in lasagna mode, anything to obsess over instead of what was at hand. Cas was the same, he was actually on time with five different commissions.

“Cas, dinner,” came the soft call a few hours later. Dean had stayed in the kitchen and Cas in his studio. Neither tried to think that if it had been eight months ago Dean would have slid the dinner in the oven and wrapped himself around Cas while the man painted. They both failed.

Cas washed up at his sink and came to a smiling Dean.

“What’s this?” the dining table was set with flowers and candles.

“Nothing,” Dean shrugged, “I just felt like…”

“Dean you don’t need to keep apologizing,” Cas sighed.

“No! It’s not that, I found the candles in a box when I was getting the Christmas decorations down, and the flowers were pretty.” Cas returned his small smile and kissed Dean tentatively. Kissing was ok, Cas thought, no one can get hurt from a kiss.

When Dean’s arms hesitatingly wrapped around him Cas didn’t pull away like usual. This felt good, safe. If Dean was coming to him that meant he was ok if Cas hurt him, right? Cas wrapped his arms around Dean’s neck and he felt a sigh that was more like a cry against his lips. Dean pulled him in tighter and the kiss slowly moved from just pressing lips to _kissing_. From just two pieces of skin against one another to _oh yes, right there_. Who opened their mouth first didn’t matter, but their tongues were refamiliarizing themselves and their hands were slowly rubbing on hard muscles.

It was Cas who eased Dean’s legs around his waist and it was Cas who carried them up to bed. Dean broke from the kiss to press his lips all over Cas’s cheeks and neck. Cas laid them gently on the bed and undid Dean’s shirt before his lover could stop him.

“Cas are you sure?” he didn’t answer but just kissed and lay flush on his partner.

They made love slowly and quietly for hours. Cas wrapped himself around Dean to pull him in and share their sweat and breath. At some point between his powerful thrusts Dean rested his forehead heavily on his soul mate’s and the two never felt more connected. When they came together it was all consuming and they both blacked out for a while just holding tight onto the other.

“That was incredible.” Cas held up their twined fingers, his entire being feeling giddy.

“Yeah,” Dean sounded just the same.

“I feel like we can finally think about the wedding again. We’re better, we’re whole.” Dean’s expression was hard to read but Cas didn’t notice he was too lost in happy thoughts. He described what everything would look like and what Dean would cook and everything would be perfect.

“And we’ll be happy, really and truly happy.” He beamed, “And if—if you really have to have sex in your other form we fixed that too,” he sounded proud, “I’ll just get drunk and I can give you what you need.” He was too busy staring at his hands to see the flash of pain across Dean’s face.

“Yeah, that sounds perfect.” Dean kissed Cas’s temple.

Cas fell asleep shortly after that.

Dean did not.

He couldn’t stop thinking. The black thoughts he’d been able to shove away for months came forward and demanded to be heard. Cas was never going to accept him in his female form and Dean was causing too much pain forcing this perfect being in his arms.

There were no good answers. Dean had nothing and his soul felt like it was shattering. His female form was now part of him, he’d been changing for five years and it had opened something beautiful in himself. And Cas couldn’t see it. Dean thought about the next fifty years as he turned the ring on his finger. He and Cas would be happy and they would love, but every two weeks Dean would slip quietly into another room. He would be back to locking up part of himself again.

There were no good answers.

He stayed awake, silent, hot rivers running down his face, until dawn. He didn’t want to…he wanted something else. There _had_ to be something else…this couldn’t be it.

Dean’s anger flaired and he became _pissed_. If Love were a person he would beat the living shit out of them. Here he had the love of his life. Why the fuck did the universe had him go and fall in love with the most perfect person, and then make Dean so fucked up that all he did was hurt the person he loves constantly? If this was supposed to be the love of his life why did Love have to make him so fucked up?

Hot tears ran down when he realized exactly what had to be done.

He got up as quietly as he could and looked at Cas. This was the love of his life. This dorky man was the most perfect being ever.

There was nothing else.

He slipped the ring off his finger and set it on the night stand.

Love was going to have to owe him this one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me! This was something I had been planning since probably the third chapter when I was listening to Ronnie Dunn's "Love Owes Me One" and I was pretty much listening to it on repeat while I wrote this. I have the next chapter mapped out so it should be up by this weekend! Love to all!


	21. This is the Charmed Life

“Ugggghendg,” Gabe slammed his head down on the table.

“I’m sorry you will have to repeat that for the class,” Sam said mildly, chuckling at how fantastically funny he was. Gabriel raised his head and glared openly at Sam.

“Oh you’re hilarious.” His eyes narrowed as Sam smiled on over his law book.

“Come on, it’s not that bad,” Sam moved in closer and rested his hand under the table on his boyfriend’s knee. “I’ll get you a scone,” he crooned as Gabe grumbled. He’d been signing his damn books for four hours now.

“I should have never become an author!” He looked at Sam trying to wheedle some pity out of his boyfriend. “If I’d known so many people wanted me to sign their dumb books I wouldn’t have written such fantastic books!”

“Oh you poor thing!” Sam mocked sympathy and Gabe glared. “I’m soo sorry!” Sam rubbed his face hard into Gabe’s shoulder, acting like a fucking cat. His fingers ghosted over Gabe’s side and found the magical spot on Gabe’s left side just behind on his back and wiggled his fingers. Gabe laughed and fell into Sam’s warm chest as the torturing fingers were relentless. Sam eased him down and kissed him sweetly on the forehead.

“Only two more hours,” he whispered, “And I think you have some more _dying_ fans.” Gabe glared slightly at the gathering line around a book stack. His agent had been kind enough to arrange a schedule between signing books every half an hour he got about a ten minute break, and now that break was up. Sam left the table and Gabe plastered his giant-thank-you-so-much-for-coming smile as the crowd surged forward.

After a while Sam came back and slid a coffee across the table at him and dropped a scone in his lap.

“Love you,” Gabe mouthed and continued to sign book after book.

***

Three hours later found Gabe and Sam fast asleep on their hotel bed. When Gabe first asked Sam to come on his book tour Sam had jumped at the chance. He had a wild fantasy of fantastic dinners, parties, and a wonderful, sophisticated time. Instead it was hotel rooms that all looked the same, bad coffee, and endless hours of watching Gabe sign book after book while smiling at strangers. Well, that part wasn’t too bad, but sitting in bad chairs and trying to study for the Bar and being watched by people in the lines was getting trying.

Gabe was the first to wake out of the two of them and he was content just to look at his best friend’s relaxed face. It had been nearly a year and a half since Sam had had a panic attack or when he would truly lose it. Ever since Gabe moved in Sam had healed and his studies had excelled.

Sam shifted in his sleep as if he could tell he was being watched. His hazel eyes opened and he looked down at his lover, smiling fondly.

“What are you looking at?” He pulled Gabe up from his chest so they could lie next to one another on their sides.

“You,” Gabe snuggled in closer, the hotel was warmish but the awful hotel paper blankets which are so thin you could see through them didn’t work too well. Sam had laughed when Gabe had insisted on bringing his own comforter and pillow in the van the publisher had provided, but now that the weather was colder and this was hotel number….27? Sam understood exactly what his travel-experienced boyfriend was doing.

“What shall we do tonight?” Sam rolled them so Gabe was completely lying on top of him.

“I don’t think I can stand another night of crappy room service,” Gabe stopped for a while as they kissed, laving their tongues together.  The kiss grew hot and sloppy, but was interrupted when there was a knock on the door.

“I can’t deal with him right now,” Gabe rolled off and sighed, he ran into the bathroom as Sam slapped his ass calling him a coward.

“Yes, Kevin?” Sam opened the door tiredly looking at the happy intern practically jumping up and down in excitement. At first Sam thought the kid’s enthusiasm was cute, he wanted to be a writer and it seemed as if he’d gotten it in his head if he just mimicked everything Gabe did and ask thousands of questions he would be a great writer. He was assigned to drive them and be at Gabe’s beck and call for whatever he needed. And it seemed Kevin made it his life’s mission to make sure Gabe had everything he needed.

“Hi Sam, is there anything I can do for you or Gabe?”

“No, Kev, oh no wait, can you get a list of good restaurants? Maybe a nice quiet place….uh Italian? And then can you just make a reservation?” Kevin beamed, it wasn’t often he got a request other than a grumbled demand for coffee (no, _coffee_ not that brown shit that tastes like you put a crayon in hot water).

“I wanted to give you the schedule for the next two weeks.” He handed a thick folder to Sam. “We have seven more stops before we fly to England.” Kevin was bouncing with energy. He’d never been anywhere, as Sam and Gabe had heard a million times, and now he got to travel and be with a great author.

“Thanks Kev, hey listen just call the room with the reservations, there’s no need to hang around us all night.” Sam shut the door politely and went to the bathroom door. “He’s gone, coward,” Gabe opened the door and jumped into Sam’s arms.

“Well I just can’t stand another conversation about how I prefer Frosted Flakes over Special K like the answer decides what makes a good author or not.” He groaned as Sam led them to the bed and dropped them down under the blankets.

“It’s kinda your fault, hon,” Sam kissed his boyfriend loudly, “When you go on and on for twenty minutes about the merits of each cereal, when the answer is that you can’t eat anything without the additives of sugar.”

“Rude!” Gabe smacked Sam’s arm playfully. “But I will forgive you for making dinner reservations,” they settled into a heated kiss, and for once each man had the energy to start something more when the phone rang. Hands were trailing bodies, searching for skin under all the layers and blankets.

“I’m going to _kill_ that boy,” Gabe said wrathfully after popping one of Sam’s balls out of his mouth.

“Don’t be so dramatic,” Sam caught his breath and picked up the phone. “Hey Kevin.”

“Hey Sam, so there weren’t any good Italian places, but there is a great Teppanyaki place so I made a reservation there.”

“Oh that sounds great Kev, thanks.” Sam glared down as it seemed Gabe wanted to distract him as much as possible. His hand was pushing Sam’s pants off and Sam had to bite his lip hard so he wouldn’t moan into the phone. “What time is the reservation?”

“Seven, for three,” Kevin chirped happily. Gabe stopped when he saw Sam’s face fall.

“Oh um, Kevin…that’s great you um want to come along…” Gabe’s eyes widened and he looked murderous. Sam rolled his eyes in agreement, “But uh, why don’t you just, um, take the night off?”

“Oh no, I’m more than happy to tag along, I have a few questions for Mr. Novak.” Sam rolled his eyes again and tried to control his breathing so he wouldn’t say anything mean or hurtful. It wasn’t Kevin’s fault he worshipped the ground Gabriel walked on, or that it was the kid’s passion to become a writer and here he had an excellent writer to get information out of. Because as much as Gabe might complain, or how he acted like a two year old; he was a terrific writer, Sam read all seven books Gabe had written and he was blown away by his boyfriend’s sense of style and the complexity of his worlds and characters.

“Listen Kevin,” he began, “It was kind of, I mean when I talked to you earlier I should have mentioned it…we had kind of planned for it to be a date night.”

“Oh, oh! I understand,” Sam smiled down at Gabe who quirked an eyebrow and moved his mouth back down, “I’ll just sit at another table.” Sam tried not to groan loudly but it was hard.

“No, Kevin, it’s kind of our anniversary so we really just wanted to be alone…take the night off, find a club or do something you’re interested in…”

“Right, I’m sorry I overstepped.” The voice sounded dejected.

“No! You didn’t know it was a…special night for us…listen the next night we have free we’ll all go out and I’ll make sure Gabe actually answers your questions rather than ramble on for hours,” Gabe glared up at him dryly.

“Of course, I’ll let you celebrate,” Sam got the address and name of the restaurant and thanked Kevin awkwardly after the boy wished them a happy anniversary.

“I am going to hell,” he said when he hung up and threw the phone on the nightstand. Gabe laughed darkly and started licking and nipping all over his boyfriend’s thighs. “He sounded like a kicked puppy.”

“We spend every minute with him, he’s in the van, at all the book signings, at every meal,” Gabe grumbled at the last one, “How about we invite him to breakfast and I’ll answer more of his damn questions.” He licked a long stripe up from Sam’s base to his navel.

“Ohhhh—ok,” Sam grunted and dug his hands in Gabe’s hair to lead him back where he wanted Gabe’s mouth to really be.

As soon as that talented tongue latched on Sam went crazy. Their lives had been so full of travel and book signings they both were exhausted so when they actually had enough energy to do this they both knew sex was not going to last long with all this desire they’d pent up.

Sam was going so crazy on the mouth and tongue swallowing him down that he ended up not even noticing when Gabe prepped him open. He realized there were four fingers in him when Gabe’s mouth was suddenly gone and his boyfriend was biting at his heated skin as Gabe crawled up his body.

“Happy,” he breathed in Sam’s ear as he rolled his hips up and slid into Sam. “Anniversary,” he grinned wolfishly as he started to thrust, even and hard.

“You’re an asshole,” Sam panted and then groaned loudly when Gabe suctioned on to his neck. Sam grabbed sandy hair roughly and pulled Gabe’s face into a harsh kiss. Hands moved everywhere as Gabe lifted his lover’s legs to wrap around his waist. He dug his nails into Sam’s muscled thighs as they both groaned into the kiss.

Sam whined when Gabe pulled away but then shouted out when his leg was thrown over his boyfriend’s shoulder and the awesome spot was hit deep inside him. They were sweaty and when Sam looked up at Gabriel over him he couldn’t believe how powerful his best friend looked. Gabe’s eyes had lost their lightness and were darkened to the point of almost looking black. He never looked overly buff but now the deceptive muscles that hid in his arms and chest were shining. He grunted as he rut harder into Sam and Sam traced lines into the sweaty skin of his lover.

“Ohhh fuck, Gabe…” He dragged out as the smaller man thrust harder and harder biting down hard on Sam’s calf. Gabe loved seeing his boyfriend debauched and a mess, Sam could barely form words as he was slowly going crazy on Gabe’s cock. “M’close,” he moaned as his hands found his cock.

“Not yet,” Gabe grunted out as he pulled away and rolled Sam to his knees. He laid himself over Sam’s back and guided his shaft back in the world’s most incredible, perfect ass. Their noises became less words and more animalistic as they moved together in an amazing world erasing rut. Gabe stopped moving his body so he could piston his hips harder into his lover and Sam cried out.

“Gabe…” Sam pleaded, groaning loudly. Gabe pushed them back and they were raised up so a back and chest were fused together. Gabe moved his hands around Sam’s large chest and one hand tweaked a nipple while the other cupped and rolled Sam’s balls.

“Oh fuck! Gabe!” The noises he was making were loud, sweaty, and got Gabe off better than anything in the world.

“That’s it, baby, come for me, come for me hard.” Gabe grunted in Sam’s ear as he thrust harder and Sam’s fingers made bruises in his ass as he gripped his boyfriend.

“Want to wait…” Sam panted, “For you.”

And if that didn’t do all kinds of things to Gabe. He buried his face in Sam’s neck and bit at the tender flesh earning loud calls and moans. The skin was salty from Sam’s sweat and Gabe felt he was going insane on Sam’s ass beginning to clench around him.

“So close,” Gabe panted, and Sam pulled his face away from his neck and kissed him roughly. Their teeth clashed, their tongues moved so hard both felt their jaws unhinging. And that’s how they came. Deep inside the other’s mouth, with Gabe’s hand on the best shaft and inside Sam’s ass.

They fell heavily down on the bed panting and sweating as their hearts and bodies settled. Sam traced veins with a light finger lazily up and down the hand on his stomach. Gabe hummed contentedly as his breathing slowed while he nuzzled into Sam’s back and neck.

“Don’t fall asleep on me,” Sam teased, “We’re supposed to be at the restaurant in forty five minutes and we should shower.”

“Mmmm, don’t wanna go out,” Gabe rubbed his face on the shoulder in front of him.

“You’re such a damn five year old, half an hour ago you were complaining about staying in.”

“That was when we were fully clothed, I don’t want to cover this ass.” Sam yelped slightly when a hand came down and squeezed him.

“Well I’m hungry and this place Kevin set up for us sounds fun.” Gabe grumbled and groaned, but got up all the same.

“I can’t deny you a damn thing.” Sam smiled and kissed his palm, rolling lazily on the bed. “But you’re gonna join me in the shower big boy,” Gabe dragged Sam up and they both grinned darkly.

***

The restaurant was fantastic, Sam felt he fell harder in love with his boyfriend as he watched Gabe’s giddy face taking in the grill, the tricks, and the chefs. Gabe grinned like a fool when the onion volcano went off and his eyes rolled back as he ate his food.

“I think I found my new favorite restaurant,” Gabe licked his lips as they walked down the streets hand in hand. “Though nothing will sate my taste for _you_ ,” he whispered dirtily. Sam blushed but started nibbling on Gabe’s ear.

“I’m addicted to you too baby,” he licked behind the appendage.

“I—oh—ice cream!” Gabe pulled Sam into a shop.

“Dude you just finished a sixteen ounce steak with two sides and you’re still hungry?”

“I’m filling in the corners,” Gabe said looking down his nose, as much as he could at his overly tall boyfriend. “We’ll share,” Gabe didn’t hear Sam’s answer as he ordered a cone which he finished most of on his own. It seemed every time Sam went in for a lick the ice cream disappeared and Gabe kissed him quickly.

“See now I wanted sex,” Sam said after he’d done all his bathroom things and had changed out of his suit and tie and into boxers and tee-shirt. “But I don’t think you’re up to it,” he smiled fondly at his boyfriend who was currently on his back, rubbing his stomach. Gabe had popped open his pants as soon as they got into the hotel room and groaned loudly about being full.

“Hey, baby, I’m always up for sex,” Gabe tried to turn but he groaned again and rested back on the bed. Sam lay down next to him and kissed him on his nose. He started gently rubbing Gabe’s stomach and he earned a sigh of contentment.

Their movements were slow and Sam eased Gabe’s tie and button up away while he still massaged Gabe’s overly full stomach. They both hummed in satisfaction until Gabe felt he was completely relaxed.

“Better?” Sam whispered and Gabe tackled him with a crushing kiss.

The light was soft around them after they both came spectacularly. They cuddled into one another’s arms and legs and there were several contented sighs. But after Gabe had rubbed his neck for the fourth time Sam pushed him down on his stomach and started kneading his tense muscles.

“You’re stressed,” he said mildly as his fingers really had to work hard on a knot between Gabe’s shoulders.

“Yes well ever since the movie news came out these damn book signing lines have been getting longer and longer.” He bitterly spat out at the pillow, “The only reason these people are coming is because I am marginally famous and they want to rub shoulders with a movie star.”

“One: you are not a movie star.” Sam said kissing Gabe’s naked back, “And two: if they are picking up a book then why are you complaining?”

“I—mmm—I’m glad they’re picking up a book, but—ohhh right there—but I’d prefer they started reading because they like my work, not because they’re hoping to run into Robert Downy Jr.” Sam laughed lightly and kissed between Gabe’s shoulder blades.

“You know I love you more than anything, right?” there was a muffled yes, as Gabe’s head was deep in a pillow, “But if Robert Downy Jr. is showing up I’m going to try my luck with him.” Gabe laughed and pulled Sam down and kissed him roughly. The kiss led to nothing as Gabe’s movements were still stiff from the half done massage. Sam pushed him back and began massaging again.

“Are you getting nervous for your test?” Gabe murmured as he returned the favor of a massage. Sam’s large back was totally relaxed under his fingers and he turned his head slightly to answer his boyfriend.

“Well I’ve been studying, and I feel pretty confident…”

“But…”

“But it’s been hard…I love you and I love this tour, I get to spend all my time with you but it’s been hard to…”

“Concentrate?” Gabe could feel Sam getting a bit nervous under his muscles. “I love you too, but you don’t have to hang off my every need, I have Kevin for that,” he kissed shoulders hard.

“Uh-huh, and do I need to remind you what happened in Seattle, you nearly made him cry.”

“That was our second city, I was still getting used to the kid. I’m better now, I’m a mature adult.”

“A mature adult who needs candy every five minutes,” Sam laughed when his ass was smacked lightly. “Are you sure you’d be ok with me going to the library or hanging out here?”

“Of course,” Gabe lay down half on his lover’s back and half on the bed. “You’re going to be a fantastic lawyer, Sam, and I don’t want to stand in the way of that.” Sam pulled him down and they entangled themselves in one another.

“You’ll never be in the way, if anything I’m only becoming a lawyer _because_ of you. If I hadn’t met you, if you hadn’t healed me…I would have…” Gabe kissed him lightly and then shut the light off.

“I know,” they both fell asleep quickly after that.

***

“Ok Kevin ask away,” Gabe threw his arm around Sam as they waited for their dinner a week later. They’d been in four more cities and Gabe could see the end in sight. They were going to London in a week and then it was all over. Besides there were only about seven stops in England over three and a half weeks. The schedule was three times lighter than what they were used to and on the best side was that Sam was taking his Bar exam in a week so when they left for England it meant no more studying.

“What do you prefer hand writing your manuscripts or typing first?”

“Well when one considers the history of the pen and paper—” Sam elbowed him hard. Gabe glared at him which made Sam smile wider. “Ok, so I do about half and half. Sometimes I hate looking at my laptop so I’ll pull out my notebook. Other times I need to just feel my fingers going across the keyboard. It really just depends on my mood.” Kevin listened nodding slightly and even took out a small notebook to write something down.

“So what about—”

“Ok, Kevin, here’s the thing.” Both men stopped and looked openly at the serious expression on Gabriel’s face. “You have to find what works for you. I read _The Hobbit_ , and _Narnia_ hundreds of times growing up and all I wanted to do was be Lewis and Tolkien. When I started writing in middle school I tried to be them and I was shit. I got books to learn how to write, write like the best sellers, follow these tips and you will be one of the greats. I did it all and I was terrible. I hated writing. I stopped for a long time and it wasn’t until I was in college did I realize why I was so bad. I was trying to write for someone else. I thought all about my readers, how to get money, how to be popular, and I realized I wasn’t having fun with it. Once I stopped worrying about all that other _shit_ , the ‘what if I’m not liked,’ or ‘what if I don’t get popular,’ that’s all shit. You write the way _you_ want to write. You don’t follow me, you don’t follow anyone, you write the way you want to write and it’ll be fun, and people will like it. They will like it because it is real, it’s you on the page and it’s not some dancing monkey trying to please everyone. You write for you and it’ll all fall together.”

He sat back and shoveled some chips and dip in his mouth while Sam and Kevin looked on slack-jawed.

“I hope they have fried ice cream here,” Gabe said looking around for their waiter and still his boyfriend and intern looked on in shock. “What?” Kevin just shook his head and wrote in his notebook and Sam leaned in and kissed him quietly.

“Love you,” he whispered.

“Did I do good?” Gabe whispered back, he got a sweet kiss in return.

“Yes, you did very, very good.”

***

“In the shop there were millions of items. All of which caused some sort of spell that Garrett could never remember. Was it the teapot that transported you to Perth, or was it the teaspoon? He knew there was a key which transformed whoever touched it into a mouse, but it had long ago got mixed in the box with the keys that transformed the doors they unlocked. He was sure the shoes near the door allowed their wearer to breathe underwater, but he couldn’t remember if it was the left shoe or the right shoe.

“Andalucía complained that he _should_ know what was in his own shop, but Garrett always reminded her that he was old and his shop had more items in it than he could imagine.

“‘I buy and sell items for a living darling Lucìa,’ he said to his young sister fondly, ‘I cannot be expected to remember everything.’

“‘But can’t you at least sort the dangerous things, or label how some things work!’

“So this was how Garrett ended up _on a Saturday_ while the store was closed examining everything and labeling. _Golden Bracelet, causes wearer to set fire to whatever they touch. Stroke gently to remove bracelet._ Finishing the note he threw the bracelet back onto the small table.

“‘Excuse me,’ a soft voice entered through the air and Garrett stopped breathing when a halo of dusty light surrounded her blonde hair. ‘I was wondering if you may have an item that can kill a dragon…’

“‘Now that is a request,’ Garrett breathed as he took the young woman in. She was a waif, there was some kind of emotion behind her eyes he couldn’t easily read which was a shock to the shop keep. He prided himself on easily understanding people, but this woman was a mystery. ‘And why do you need to kill a dragon?’

“‘I have to save a prince.’ Came the answer but Garret couldn’t help thinking she was lying.

“‘I haven’t heard of a dragon in these parts since—” Gabe looked up to see Sam waving at him holding a phone. _It’s Cas_ he mouthed and there was something in his pained expression that told Gabe it wasn’t good.

“I’m sorry, this is all I will give you now. I am needed elsewhere.” He jumped down from the podium and followed his boyfriend out of the store.

“That was a bit rude,” Sam whispered but Gabe didn’t hear as he took the phone from his boyfriend’s large hands.

“Cas?” He was desperate and a slurred, drunk voice answered back.

“He’s gone.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this was fun to write! I put a lot of myself into the chapter, especially Gabe's speech about writing. So often I try, or I see my students trying, to write for someone else or like someone else. So I always give this pep talk to myself and my students just to let them know that writing can be fun. And you know what, it is!
> 
> Thanks for the comments as always, this fic is winding down so if you have any prompts for me I'm at a bit of a dry spell right now. But then again I have a final paper due for my masters class so I will probably procrastinate and write write write!


	22. Coward or Bastard?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter was super tricky, and I also have two huge papers due this weekend so...yeah...Sorry if I didn't add any tags (you'll get it when you read it) I wanted it to be a surprise. 
> 
> Happy reading!

**Twenty-Six Months Later**

The car sputtered and made a terrifying noise. Cas grabbed the door handle in terror and got a glare from his boyfriend. Actually he was more afraid of his art (and that damn envelope) in the trunk than the inevitability of falling through the floor of the car.

“It’s not that bad,” Balthazar said primly.

“You’re completely right,” Cas said loudly over the clank of the engine, “It’s worse.” Bal leaned over and pinched his side.

The abandoned road in Germany was a perfect place to break down Cas decided. If they lost a wheel or engine or whatever that fucking part was that was screeching there was nothing for miles so they’d have to walk for hours and hours to find anyone to fix the car. Karma must have a terrible sense of humor, Cas thought, as the car lurched again, he used to know a perfect mechanic but that….but that was over… so he worked hard to concentrate on the banging noise and the acrid smell.

Bal eased the car to the side of a road and turned the engine off. He kissed the side of Cas’s face and jumped out of the car. Cas tried to stop the feeling of his skin crawling, Bal was just so _affectionate_ and sometimes it set his teeth on edge. Well, all the time, really. It wasn’t that Cas hated Bal, he liked him and Cas felt happier when he had someone to talk to, spend time with. But Cas didn’t want to touch. But Bal didn’t deserve that, so he forced himself even though after a heavy make out session he felt like vomiting.

“So where are we?” He came up and rested his chin on Bal’s shoulder more to make the other man happy than out of habit.

“Just outside of here…” Bal pointed to the huge map laid out on the trunk. “So we have a choice, we can either go to Paris or Rome.” Bal turned a bit under Cas’s chin and kissed him, “What do you want?”

“Oh umm…” Cas was in turmoil, was he a coward or a bastard? He was a coward if he chose Rome running away from what he _knew_ was in Paris. But then if he went to Paris he was a bastard because he drove the one thing he loved to his core away to Paris. So what was he? Coward or Bastard?

“Paris,” he whispered. Bastard all the way. Because his stupid mind kept whispering _what-if what-if what-if what-if what-if_ in time with stupid beating heart.

***

Cas went through two packs of cigarettes in the four hour drive. When he was halfway through his second pack he stopped caring about the concerned looks Balthazar kept throwing him. He muttered he was nervous about the car and the looks stopped a bit, but when Cas started looking for pack number three Bal snatched them out of his hands.

“I’m cutting you off,” Cas grumbled but his voice died in his throat when he saw the sign saying Paris was only ten kilometers away.  The car sputtered loudly and Cas was slightly relieved, maybe he didn’t have to be a Bastard because he would die before they hit the city limits.

But life didn’t have that in mind for him. Oh no they were not only able to cross into Paris but they made it to a quiet side street before the car made a valiant, but vain, effort to push one more time before it died.

“I told you,” Cas said mildly as Bal finally gave in and slid the car to the side of the road. He couldn’t deny the black smoke rising up from under the hood. Cas patted the dash fondly, “Thank you for giving your life in order for us to get to Paris.” Bal just glared.

He got out of the car and Cas chuckled lightly as he heard loud cursing. When he finally got out of the car Bal was on his phone cursing loudly in French. Well Cas guessed he was cursing because he still didn’t understand French. He sighed sadly at the sounds of the language flowing from his boyfriend’s lips. Why had he said yes to go to Paris? He was going to hear French all the time reminding him…he sighed again. Now was not the time to think of past mistakes.

“Mechanic’ll be here in five minutes,” Bal said gruffly and Cas hugged him lightly. “Please don’t say it,” he pleaded.

“Say what? That I told you this car would break down in a ball of fire and blaze of glory?” the car sputtered and more black smoke issued out and the two men coughed. “Rather, that it would break down and kill us?”

“Hey! We’re still alive at least!” Cas shrugged.

“The day is young and that smoke smells acrid.” He crinkled his nose and Balthazar laughed. Cas liked it when his boyfriend laughed, it was a light sound and Cas was able to smell the color of happiness that was always just out of his reach when he knew he’d earned the sound from Bal. Bal’s eyes crinkled when he laughed and his scotch colored eyes warmed Cas.

“So we have time to kill,” Bal had a dirty glint in his eye as he slid along the car closer to Castiel.

“Hm,” Cas tilted his head.

“Ah the noncommittal ‘hm’,” Bal teased and kissed Cas’s lips lightly. He pressed his body closer to Cas’s and pushed into the kiss harder. Cas moved just enough to let his boyfriend know he was participating in the kiss but his mind was elsewhere. His mind was always elsewhere when he kissed Bal, the movement of lips, the occasional tongue, everything, never consumed him. It never left him completely breathless, he never forgot how to blink when the lips were taken away, he never felt his soul riding a never ending rollercoaster, he just…it was just pressing flesh together, wasn’t it? Like a handshake. Or drinking from a cup. Something was pressed against his mouth. That was really all.

And when he thought of that (which he always did when Bal kissed him) he felt his stomach fall below his feet in the pit of guilt, which made him nauseous. Bal was a good man, Cas enjoyed spending time with him. It was better than being alone. It was a pillow to hug at night, someone to do holidays with. But Bal deserved so much more than Cas’s empty heart could give.

Because that’s what it boiled down to. Cas couldn’t love anymore. It was like that really rare plant he saw on the discovery channel that only bloomed once in its lifetime. Or maybe his mind was just making up dumb things again, but this plant would only bloom once and then be done the rest of its life. That was Cas. He’d had his flower and now he was done.

Bal stopped moving, _damn_ , Cas hoped Bal wouldn’t notice him drifting off during their kiss. Cas had checked out so much he didn’t notice when Bal’s tongue ended up in his mouth. The lighter haired man pulled away and Cas steadied himself when he saw the crestfallen look on Bal’s face.

“What?” He said defensively. He might as well make the first move anything to stop the look of disappointment on his boyfriend’s face.

“What do you mean what, Castiel?” Bal thinned his lips to a tiny line, “You aren’t in this.” He said quietly.

“No, I’m just tired…” Cas tried.

“No, Castiel, you aren’t in this,” he gestured between the two of them. Cas sighed and ran his hand through his hair.

“I don’t want to talk about this,” he sighed again and went to the trunk to grab his sketchbook.

“Sure, Cas, run away like always.” Bal said quietly, Cas pretended not to hear which, of course, he had. He always heard Bal’s mutterings and it only effected to make his guilt worse.

He grabbed his sketchbook and started drawing, flowing his anger, frustration, and guilt into his pencil. And, like always, exactly like the hundreds of times before Dean’s lips started to form. Whenever he felt like this something of Dean’s showed up in his artwork. Now it was perfect, full lips with a scattering of freckles. His entire body felt like led, his artwork only serving to make him feel worse.

“Bonjour!” Bal called and waved, Cas walked around from the trunk, tossing his sketchbook in the back along with canvasses and paints and that envelope.

His breathing stopped. His movement stopped. His everything stopped.

It was Dean.

Dean was the mechanic. Dean.

His Dean.

His Dean in female form with low slung jeans and white tank top and looking effortlessly beautiful. He’d cut his long hair so that half his head was shaved and the other was close to his shoulder. But what caught Cas breathless, were the tattoos. Dean had gotten his heart and wing tattoos. No more sharpie, Dean had found a permanent way to keep Cas with him. Dean froze too when his green eyes met Cas’s and neither moved, both afraid of the other.

“Ah-hem, bonjour?” Bal stepped between them and Cas looked down at the ground ashamed. He moved to the back of the car again and heard the soft conversation in French, but he didn’t pay attention. He was too filled with how much of a fucking bastard he was. Not only that he just ran away from his soul mate, but that he had to listen to his soul mate and _boyfriend_ talking. He sat down and curled his legs into his chest. He _wouldn’t_ cry. He didn’t want to. But the hot tears flowed when he felt the shame flood his face. He couldn’t face Dean because he couldn’t face the idea that he moved on.

He had met Bal four and a half months ago. After Gabe had convinced him to leave the house (he’d refused for so long because Dean _was just coming back_ and would be pissed that Cas wasn’t there waiting), then Gabe had to convince Cas to leave the bar (after he realized Dean _was never coming back_ ), Gabe set him up on a dating website. Cas refused to look at the page for months and months but then one day, (after painting for the first time without Dean or wings being the subject) he opened his inbox. He’d found seven emails from an architect named Balthazar that made his lips quirk in a smile. They dated and after a night of heavy drinking (Bal had been desperate for some kind of physical affection from Cas, and Cas just wanted a night of forgetting and being with Balthazar) Cas fessed up and told Bal about Dean. Not two week gender bender Dean, but sweet, kind, chef Dean. Dean who made his heart stop. Dean who was his every third memory and second thought.

And Bal had understood in the best way he knew how. He tried to be slow. He didn’t demand much of Cas. Then came the night neither were going to forget for a long time and the next day Bal suggested Cas come with him on his tour of Europe for his company. Bal was supposed to be inspired by the foreign buildings and Cas was supposed to forget Dean and be fully with Bal. Well Castiel had become used to being a disappointment.

“So,” Bal dropped heavily on the ground. Cas turned his head and wiped away his tears. “You want to talk?”

“What? No! I don’t know anything,” Cas said quickly.

“About us?”

“Balthazar…” Cas dragged out.

“No I want to talk, the mechanic says she’ll be a while so we’re going to talk. So,” he turned and waited till Cas was looking at him fully. “Is this about…him?”

“Yes it’s always about him. It’s always going to be about him, I’m never going to stop loving him. I made a mistake—what I did…I can’t be forgiven,” Cas ranted out, “Don’t you understand,” he got louder, “I will be here physically but I’m always going to be with him. I can’t imagine my soul without him. And I’m never going to forget him.” Cas got up and walked away quickly. He didn’t stop when he heard a tool clank on the ground, he didn’t turn when he knew Dean was _just there_. He just walked.

He walked for hours.

He didn’t know or care where he went. There were even a few times when he woke up enough to honking horns, he’d walked out in the middle of traffic. But nothing sank in. He just walked. He ended up on a bridge and he stared at the water until it got dark. His tears had started when he looked out over the water and was finally left alone with his thoughts. He thought about Dean, his shallowness, and that gold band on the nightstand.

He woke early that morning for some reason or another and the bed was slightly warm. Dean was just downstairs surprising him with breakfast, or making coffee, or cleaning their forgotten plates from the dinner before. Cas stretched in the incredible warmth that lavished over him, he had figured out their problem. They would live happily ever after and forget Dean was ever cursed. When the sunlight gleamed in the window something glinted at Cas's eye. Even before looking he knew exactly what it was. 

So he started to walk again and by some grace of karma, or some divine being he saw a familiar street. He looked around again and realized he’d walked down this street in his first hour of wandering. He followed the streets back and when it was nearly full dark he found where the car was.

Except the car was gone. And so was Bal. Cas looked up and down the street but the only evidence they’d been there hours ago was a dark oil stain on the pavement.

“He’s gone,” a soft voice came out of the shadows and Cas’s soul mate came into view. “He left as soon as he gave me his contact info about the car.”

“Oh. Ok,” Cas leaned up against the stone wall behind him.

“He left a message for you,” Dean was quiet. “Do, do you want to hear it?” Cas waved his hand in dismissal.

“I wasn’t looking for him. I was just…walking,” Cas looked around him. “I suppose I’m lost.” He finally looked at Dean, really looked.

Was Dean always this beautiful in his female form? Did his softer angles and skin always make Cas’s palms sweat? Did his lips make Cas want to lean down and capture them? Dean quirked a tiny smile under his scrutiny.

“You cut your hair,” Cas said softly, more than anything he wanted to reach out and touch his soul mate but he didn’t.

“Yeah, the summers here are warmer than back home. And I got tired of constantly tying it back.”

“It’s nice,” Cas said lamely, he reached out but dropped his hand halfway to Dean’s hair. Dean moved closer a flash of pain moved across his face when Cas shoved his hands in his pockets to stop the temptation of touch.

“So, he…um, he seems nice,” Dean’s voice never raised above its soft tone.

“Yeah, he…we uh we…he thought this trip would be good for…me.” Cas looked at his shoes. He missed the strong emotions stinging Dean’s features.

“For you?” The man moved to lean on Cas’s wall, and Cas knew it was a mistake but he couldn’t move away. “Why would it be good for you?”

“He thought it would be good for me to…”

“To…?”

“To forget you…” Cas said softly.

“I heard you.” Dean matched his tone, “Before, behind the car.”

“Oh.”

“Oh.” They stood in silence, without noticing Cas pulled out his cigarettes and lit one. The smoke calmed him and he looked over and saw Dean’s pained face.

“What?” he dragged on the smoke. “You’re not going to lecture me like Gabe are you?”

“No,” Dean said quietly.

“Ok.” They stayed in silence neither knowing what to say while Cas smoked through two cigarettes.

“Well,” Cas stomped out his second cancer stick, “I should…”

“Yeah, you should…” Dean looked down. Cas couldn’t face him anymore. He couldn’t be the one causing his perfect best friend so much pain. He already drove Dean away once, but now he was bringing even more pain. He not only shoved his shiny new boyfriend in Dean’s face, but he showed off what a disappointment he was. He smoked, he was sure Dean could see the dark circles under his eyes, and he felt people could still see the dark tracks in his arms even though the marks were long ago faded. He’d tried the drugs for about two weeks before the hospital...  Gabe was beyond angry, he was terrified for his brother, but once it was sure Cas would be fine his anger surfaced. Cas still couldn’t think of the memory of the ride home from the hospital without a deep blush of shame covering his cheeks. It wasn’t that Gabe yelled, he just said that this would be the only time he’d pick up Castiel from the hospital, and if Cas wanted to throw his life away Gabe couldn’t be around to watch.

So he was embarrassed about being such a disappointment and he knew he was causing Dean pain. He couldn’t look Dean in the eye. His soul mate was in pain and Cas was the reason, he had to get as far from Dean as possible. But then. He couldn’t.

He couldn’t get as far from Dean as possible because it was _Dean_. So he was pissed at himself and frustrated.

He lit another cigarette.

“You shouldn’t smoke,” came the soft female voice. Cas huffed and purposefully took a long drag.

“Ok, dad.”

“I know I can’t tell you what to do,” Dean looked at his hands, “But think about Gabriel, and that guy…Balthazar, he’s nice, he doesn’t deserve—”

“No he doesn’t deserve,” Cas stayed stonily calm, “He’s a great guy but he doesn’t deserve the piece of shit he’s stuck with.”

“You’re not…”

“Don’t tell me what I am, Dean Winchester, you of all people know what kind of garbage I am.” There was an intake of breath next to him that was loud enough to shake Cas into looking at the person next to him. “What?”

“You called me Dean,” green eyes misted slightly. “Y-you never called me Dean in this form, you always hesitated.” Cas closed his eyes, he didn’t need to be reminded, yet again, that he was the reason Dean left. He couldn’t accept Dean in his female form and that was what drove the wedge between them. He started to move away but he couldn’t bring himself to move any faster than a snail’s crawl.

“Please don’t leave,” a small hand grabbed his wrist. Cas looked at the thin fingers and was fascinated by them.

“I have to,” he whispered. “I hurt you so bad, you’re in pain and I’m here causing it.” He didn’t turn around, but he couldn’t bring to pull his wrist from those beautiful fingers.

“Is that what you think?” Fingers rubbed circles into his skin. “That you’re to blame for my suffering?” Cas nodded curtly. “That’s not true,” it was said so soft Cas thought he missed it. He turned and looked back at Dean, tears flowing freely now. “I couldn’t have stayed and forced you to be with someone who…who couldn’t give you what you needed.”

“But I didn’t…”

“I know you didn’t, you never saw me as me through my changes. But I was forcing you to accept me. I believed that if you loved me you could _make_ love to me in whatever form I was and I never thought that it might be hard for you.”

“I was…I don’t know what they call it now, I guess raped.” Cas said quietly. “I was fourteen or fifteen, and I had tried to lose my virginity but I couldn’t get hard. I’d never really thought about my sexuality, I just thought that in high school it was expected that you slept with girls. So I tried. She was somebody I don’t remember but I couldn’t get hard. She laughed me out of the car, then a few weeks later she invited me to a party. I had some kind of drink that was drugged.” Cas lifted the cigarette to his mouth shakily. “It had a mixture of tranquilizers and Viagra. I…I got hard and they—” he stopped when the small hand on his wrist started rubbing soothingly up and down his forearm. “So I stayed away from girls. I buried the memory for years and moved on. I had sex with men and found that sex didn’t have to be bad, that it could feel good. And getting hard when you aren’t drugged is fantastic.” He shared a dark smile with Dean who grinned back. “So, when you…in Denver…I just remembered being terrified and drugged and laughed at and I forgot it was you.”

“I’m sorry,” Dean murmured, “Baby, I’m so sorry I should have…”

“No, please, you can say anything to me, just don’t say should have.” Dean nodded.

“I can still be sorry.”

“Of course, I think I pushed you away when you were in this form because I was afraid of enjoying being _with_ you too much. I put up a wall that anything female was bad, and here was this female I was in love with and wanted to do so much with that I pushed away because I was frightened.”

“You…you loved me in this form?” Cas nodded shyly.

“If I had the choice I would never sleep with anyone else for the rest of my life if it meant one night of making love to you in this form.” More tears slid from Dean’s eyes.

“Cas…” he shook his head, “You can’t want me, I forced you, I _left_ you. I was cruel and I hurt you in the worst possible way. I left like a coward, slinking off in the night without a word. I’m the one who should be punished, not you. You’re punishing yourself so much and I’m the one to blame.”

“You might have left but I was the one who forced you.” Cas said just as vehemently.

“Ok so we both are awful people.” Dean said with a hint of a smile. “So now what?” That was the billion dollar question. It was the only question Cas desperately wanted asked, but didn’t want to hear the answer.

“I don’t know.” He hit his head back on the wall.

“Can you forgive me?” Dean whispered. He couldn’t stop the hope in his voice, his tears had stopped and he looked at Cas in such a way that the brunet’s heart broke.

“Yes,” he heard himself breathing. “Can you forgive me?” he didn’t want to hear Dean say no, but what other answer could there be?

“There’s nothing to forgive.” Cas closed his eyes and grimaced. He couldn’t describe the feeling of a relief that flooded his entire being. He couldn’t completely believe Dean was able to forgive him, but it was nice to hear. “You don’t believe me,” Dean chided lightly, leaning in closer to Cas.

“How can I?” He jumped slightly when a hand slid into his.

“Do you…?” Dean became apprehensive. “Are you still interested in…” Cas stopped breathing, was this what he was hoping for?

“Would you be interested in…?” Dean pulled away from the wall and stood in front of Cas holding his face and looking at him intensely.

“Who do you see?”

“What?”

“Who do you see? Me…or,” he was hesitant, “James?” Oh.

Oh.

Cas looked at green eyes. Did he see James? James that drove him to Chicago, James that he held in his arms, James that knocked the wind out of him jumping off a swing….did he see James?

No.

All he saw was Dean. Dean with his boundless energy. Dean who could cook meals that Cas would remember to his grave. Dean who was his soul mate.

“Dean, only Dean.” Dean’s face fell into complete bliss and comfort that lifted Cas’s soul about five tons. He refused to listen to his head anymore and he just went with what his soul was telling him to do.

And his soul was screaming at him to kiss Dean.

So he leaned in and kissed gently. He loved the way he had to bend down to take Dean’s tiny form in his arms, and when he had a tight enough grip around his best friend he pulled Dean up and Dean wrapped his arms around Cas’s neck. He lifted Dean easily and Cas cradled the man to his chest holding the smaller body tightly and Dean held on to Cas’s neck for dear life kissing all the way. The kiss wasn’t hot or heavy, they just pressed lips and fell into each other’s souls.

When Cas opened his lips slightly Dean followed with vigor. But as soon as their tongues touched Dean pulled back, Cas opened his eyes in terror when he felt Dean moving away.

“Sorry, man I just can’t stand the taste of cigarettes.” He looked disgusted and it was cute. Cas rolled his eyes and put Dean back down on the ground.

“I would brush my teeth but all of my belongings are gone.” Dean kept his arms wrapped around Cas’s neck and smiled.

“I live around the corner.” Cas crushed Dean and tried to make the kiss hotter but Dean still pulled away.

“You smell like an ashtray. Seriously how much do you smoke?” Cas absently rubbed Dean’s chin, he leaned into the touch and Cas fell harder in love with the look of bliss on Dean’s face.

“A pack, sometimes two a day?” Dean’s eyes widened. “But it was because I didn’t care anymore.”

“Well you’re gonna care now.” Dean said fiercely.

“Ok,” Cas continued caressing the beautiful face in front of him. Dean’s features were softer, his eyes were the same and his lips were the ones Cas had kissed a thousand times. 

He didn’t remember Dean taking his hand and walking him through the dim streets of Paris. They walked down a few streets and through a slightly dingy door. But that wasn’t what Cas paid attention to.

He didn’t remember walking to Dean’s apartment. He did remember…stairs? Stairs. Dean lived in a garret apartment, with huge windows looking over the Paris skyline. But that wasn’t what Cas paid attention to.

The apartment was really just one room with a small kitchen in the corner. The bed was behind a discreet screen and there was a comfortable sofa in front of a small tv. But that wasn’t what Cas paid attention to.

He remembered brushing his teeth three times, then using mouthwash four times with Dean scrutinizing him from the doorway. But that wasn’t what Cas paid attention to.

What Cas paid attention to was Dean. Every movement, every sound, every look, he drank it in as if he’d been starving for it his entire life.

“Your clothes reek,” Dean wrinkled his nose, “Strip and shower.” He pointed to a small door on the other side of the kitchen. Cas rolled his eyes but did as commanded. After keeping his back turned discreetly, Dean took the clothes and threw them into his small washer in the kitchen. Cas got under the hot water from the clanking pipes and he started to think. Was this all real? Was he really back with Dean? Is that what this was? And what was he feeling? Was it happiness? It had been so long since he’d felt that emotion he had a hard time understanding it.

He washed quickly the chain around his neck warming under the hot water. He wanted to get back to Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments! Good? Bad? Ugly?


	23. Do You Want This Back?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I've been writing like mad! New chapter of this, new chapter in the Skirts!Verse and I have a new fic almost completely mapped out. I'm super excited for it so if you like this keep your eye out in the coming weeks!

“I thought you might be hungry…” Dean held up two plates of burgers and Cas’s mouth watered. He forgot the awkwardness and rushed at the table. When he’d gotten out of the shower there was a pair of grey sweatpants and a black tee shirt hanging on the inside doorknob. Cas put them on quickly, ignoring the bubble of thought in the back of his brain that if it had been two years ago Dean wouldn’t have left clothes but would have forced Cas to walk around naked. But then again if it had been two years ago Dean would have been in the shower with him…

Cas shook his head, he had to stop thinking this was two years ago. He and Dean had changed too much for this to be an easy transition back.

They sat in silence eating the burgers, a few words and phrases here and there awkwardly said and awkwardly received. Cas huffed a small laugh when a memory came to him.

“This is like the first time we went out on a date when you were in your female form…”

“Which time?” Dean asked with his mouth full.

“I forgot we went out twice,” Cas’s eyes glazed, “Oh! You dirty cheat! I spent that entire night talking about how great you were to you!” Dean grinned wolfishly.

“Yeah, that wasn’t as much fun as I thought it would be.” Cas narrowed his eyes but there was no real anger or threat behind it.

“I’m sure you suffered _greatly_ ,” he said dryly eating his burger. Dean huffed a laugh and they went back to eating but the awkwardness was lessened greatly. They moved more with their old familiarity after they were done eating and started washing up Dean’s small, but comfortable, kitchen.

“Come on,” Dean blushed fiercely holding his hand out, “I want to show you something.”

“Ok,” Cas let himself get led and Dean pulled him shyly past the bed and to one of the windows behind the bed. Dean opened it and in a practiced move stepped out on the roof. Cas followed quickly, really because he just wanted to be as near to Dean as possible.

When they were out on the roof Cas forgot how to breathe. It was so beautiful. Dean looked shyly at him while the cool Pairs air blew around them gently. The skyline was lit up and Cas could barely make out the shape of the Eifel Tower and the Arch de Triumph in the distance. This was Paris. This was the way to see Paris, and Cas knew in that instant why Dean was so drawn to this city.

“It’s beautiful,” he said softly and Dean beamed, holding out his hand. He pulled the brunet farther and led to a rooftop greenhouse that he opened with a key.

The smells inside were earthy and the warm air blew in Cas’s face when the door was opened. Dean led him around, his excitement growing with each step, showing off all his plants. There were dozens upon dozens of herbs, a large tomato plant, peppers, and even a few corn stalks that were about as high as Cas’s knee. Cas wandered examining the five or six different kinds of peppers and Dean watched his every move, worrying a lip, gaging Castiel’s reaction, from the door.

“This is amazing,” Cas leaned over a giant basil plant that reached his hip, when he was busy smelling a rosemary plant something caught his eye in the back corner of the greenhouse.  “What’s…” he knew exactly what it was.

It was an easel, with a blank canvas.

“It, uh, well it helped me cope,” Dean said softly, “I came out here, to Paris, I couldn’t focus, I kept worrying about what you were doing, how you were feeling. I would sit up here for hours just wishing things could be different, that I hadn’t put you through so much pain…” he dropped off for a moment and then moved to stand, in the dim light, next to Cas. “Then one day I was walking down the Rue de Constance and I saw this in the window and I thought that you would like it. So I sorta pretended…whenever I came up here I would look at the canvas and pretended you were just coming back. You left to get something and your canvas was waiting for you. Stupid I guess…” Cas turned and held Dean’s face in his hands.

“Not stupid,” he kissed one eye, “Never stupid,” he kissed the other, “I put your pots and pans out on the stove every now and then. I would wander into the kitchen and I could almost smell food cooking.” It was Dean’s turn to lean in and kiss all over Cas’s face.

When their lips finally sank home both had tears in their eyes from relief and the feeling that they were slowly being put back together. Dean sighed when Cas opened his mouth, and apparently the multiple tooth brushing and mouth washing was up to Dean’s standards, because he took Cas’s tongue in eagerly. They never noticed when arms entangled or when Cas lifted Dean, and the small legs wrapped around his hips. They fell into the kiss with hands roaming and refamiliarized themselves with muscles and hair and bodies.

When they broke away after what felt like forever Cas’s arms were strong around Dean’s back and Dean’s hands were deep in chocolate hair. They kissed a few more times before Cas let the other man gently down.

“I can’t,” he whispered when Dean’s fingers moved to the hem of his shirt. He leaned down and pressed his forehead hard into Dean’s. “I want to, there is nothing in this world I want more, but I can’t.” Dean gave a tiny nod not removing his forehead from Cas’s. “I love you, but I can’t…I can’t have sex with you without talking to him first, he doesn’t deserve…” Cas stopped when Dean pulled away.

“I understand,” they moved away and Cas left the warmth of Dean’s arms and the greenhouse to the apartment to find his phone.

Dean had placed it on the short table behind the couch and with trembling fingers he dialed Bal’s number.

“Cas, thank God, where have you been?” Bal answered on the second ring, but there was something in his voice. Tired. He sounded tired. He sounded relieved Cas was fine, but it didn’t seem like he was waiting by the phone.

“Yes, I am. Bal we need to talk.”

“Really, you’re going to do this over the phone?”

“I’m too much of a coward to face you,” Cas said jokingly and he heard a small laugh, “I’m not good enough for you Bal,” his voice was tiny.

“Bull shit, that’s a lie and you know it. You’re a good man Castiel, I can’t stand that you let some bastard in your past believe that you’re garbage.”

“He didn’t…it’s complicated.”

“Then let me in! I can help you,” Balthazar pleaded.

“Bal…I, I don’t know what to say, you don’t deserve someone who _might_ fall in love with you. You deserve a man who will stop everything just to kiss you. A man who…” Cas saw the far off silhouette of Dean in the greenhouse, “A man who will sit still for hours just to let you draw him, a man who will cook seventeen different spaghetti sauces because you said there was something missing. You deserve a man who looks at you in awe, and you sit back wondering how lucky you were to find him. You deserve a man who makes love to you like you are a god and he wouldn’t mind worshipping you for the rest of his life. You deserve a man who will make you his world and you will look at him and without a doubt he will be your world. You deserve…”

“We’re not talking about me anymore are we?” Bal’s soft British accent stopped Cas.

“No I suppose we aren’t.”  There was a long pause. Cas turned his back on the window and walked in small circles around the darkened kitchen table.

“I’m sorry,” Bal said quietly, “I thought, I thought it was just you who loved him…I didn’t think he loved you back.” Cas laughed lightly.

“Yeah, it was a real Romeo and Romeo.” He paused, “I think…I think I’m ready to forgive myself enough to…to be with him.”

“I won’t lie and say I’m happy for you, but I suppose I will be.”

“Let yourself have one night of heavy drinking. Nothing more, I’m not worth it.”

“Again I will call bull shit.” Cas laughed louder this time.

“Will you do one thing for me?” Another pause.

“Within reason,” Bal sounded a bit wary.

“When you find this perfect man for you, who deserves you, who is so much better than me, call me. Tell me how fantastically happy you are, and I will be happy.”

“I can do that.”

“Well…”

“Well.” Bal paused, “I have one thing to say Castiel.”

“Oh?”

“You aren’t trash, or garbage, or a disappointment, or any of those other awful words you use to describe yourself. You’re just lost, Castiel, and if this Dean can help you find yourself then you go back to him and put yourself back together. Just…don’t keep thinking you’re worthless, you’re not…you are worth the world Castiel and if you do find Dean you make sure he knows that.”

“Yeah, ok Balthazar,” Cas didn’t sound too convinced.

“I’m serious Castiel, you just…you’re a good man I hope one day you can see that.”

“Thank you Bal,” Cas said quietly.

“No problem. So one night of heavy drinking?”

“Very heavy, but just the one.”

“Just the one. Goodbye Castiel.”

“Goodbye Balthazar.” Cas hung up and tapped his phone on his arm. He hoped Bal would find happiness soon, and as for his last message…Cas knew what a piece of shit he was, but he wasn’t lying when he said he was getting closer to forgiving himself to be with Dean.

“How are you?” Dean’s soft voice came from behind and Cas turned smiling.

“I’m healing,” he walked up to Dean, “But I feel happy with you. You must be making me better.” Dean grinned and leaned up to kiss him.

“Let’s heal together.”

Cas nodded and suddenly Dean was in his arms again and they were sucking the air out of one another’s lungs. Their lips suctioned on and their tongues melded and rolled around in open mouths. This time Cas hooked his arms under Dean’s ass and guided legs around his waist. Dean didn’t hesitate but nodded into the kiss as he ground his pelvis into Cas’s quickly stiffening cock. Cas balanced Dean’s lap in one arm as the other wrapped up a small back to dig into sandy hair. His embrace was slightly painful but neither cared and just reveled in how close they could be.

Dean seemed to remember he had a thing for Cas’s messy hair because his fingers raked through the chocolate locks. When he started to frantically eat at Cas’s face that was when Cas knew it was time to move. He didn’t care where they ended up, couch, bed, chair but he just didn’t really want to make love to Dean for the first time in this form on the floor. He managed to get a step in and then another and then another. He broke from the kiss so he could see where he was going and Dean just leaned in and started sucking marks all over his neck.

“Oh Dean,” Cas dragged out and he had to stop just to get air into his lungs and enough blood in his head to remember exactly what his job was. Bed. He had to get them to the bed. So he took a few deep breaths and walked as quickly as he could to the bed. He had to move fast because half way there Dean seemed to remember how crazy Cas could get when he sucked on his Adam’s apple… so he had to get to the bed, _now_ or they were going to do this on the floor.

When he succeeded he placed Dean on the bed, but unable to get himself free of the vice-like arms and legs around him he ended up bent over halfway kissing like crazy. Dean wiggled under him and it seemed like his small fingers would never let go of Cas’s hair. He nibbled on Cas’s bottom lip and held it between his teeth when Cas tried to pull away.

“Mmmm, Dean….” He groaned, “I want to…fuck, I want _you_ …” Dean released his lip and his arms let Cas go so he could pull away. He started to pull off his shirt but Dean shook his head.

“My job.” Cas raised his arms and moaned when small fingers grazed his skin pulling the shirt over his head. When the black fabric was gone there was a gasp and Cas looked down shyly. Around his neck, on a sturdy chain, was Dean’s wedding ring. “Cas…” the brunet couldn’t look at his soul mate but just reached around and unclasped the chain. He slid the ring off and threw the chain in the direction of his shirt.

“I…I wanted to keep it close.” He murmured as he held it up, finally looking Dean in the eye. Green orbs were misted and his hands were holding tight to his hips. “I don’t suppose…I don’t know if you would….”

“Can I have it back?” Dean breathed, he stared at the ring as if it was the only thing important in the world.

“Only if you understand that getting this back means a few things.” Cas said sternly and Dean looked up. “If you take this back you have to tell me when I’m treating you badly, you will be stuck with me forever, I don’t want to find this on the nightstand again.” Dean nodded real tears coming flowing. When Cas felt a warm drop on his chest he started to cry too. “Are you sure you want this back?”

“Yes, I am so sorry, I was an idiot I shouldn’t have left I should have…”

“Hey,” Cas rubbed Dean’s back, “I told you, you can say anything to me but not should have. We both made some bad mistakes, let’s heal and work through them together.” Dean smiled and Cas slipped the ring back on. “Will you be my husband?”

“Yes,” Dean breathed. They kissed again, the passion making them forget their tears, forget the past, forget everything except the body pressed close to them. Dean broke away first and spent a long time running his hands over every centimeter of Cas’s torso. He traced his favorite tattoo and Cas leaned into the touch. When his fingers were done his lips took over and soon Cas was spun around so his lips could cover the broad, muscled back. There was another gasp and a small sigh when Dean saw the new tattoo.

“Cas…”

“I know, but I promise I’m better now, here with you I’m better.” It had been about five months after Dean had left, Cas had tried alcohol poisoning, drugs, and sleep deprivation but nothing helped. So he got his sketchbook out and drew a new tattoo. He went in and got his back covered. They were large red welts between his shoulder blades making the flesh marred. His skin looked like it had been ripped apart and two stumps of burnt wings lifted feebly out of the gashed skin.

Cas was tired of talking and healing and everything, he wanted to start making love. So he pulled Dean around and raised the shirt over his best friend’s head and took in the dainty white and black polka dotted bra. He didn’t study the fabric too closely for a moment but instead ran his fingers lightly over his designs in Dean’s skin. He then took the time to slide Dean’s jeans off. Cas forgot words as his eyes glazed seeing the red, lacy panties and the soft blush covering all of Dean. He tilted his head to the side as he ran one large hand over the red fabric and Dean shivered all over.

He snapped the fabric and then slipped it down to uncover a…well Cas had never seen one so close up but, like all of Dean, every inch was beyond beautiful. He leaned in and kissed Dean’s navel and trailed kisses back up Dean’s torso. When his nose hit the underwire of a bra he pulled back truly puzzled. He admired the tattoo covering Dean’s skin, but he wanted to see more of it. Dean’s breasts looked like wrapped treasures and Cas’s hands twitched at Dean’s sides. He leaned in and kissed the flesh, burying his nose between them, and Dean’s breathing hitched and his hand returned to Cas’s hair. Cas kissed and licked and sucked at all the uncovered flesh but he was still confounded by the fabric. He paid attention with his tongue to all the lines of open flesh, exposed ribs, but he couldn’t get at the perfect heart because the damn torture device was still in the way.

He pulled away and glared at it slightly. Dean laughed and moved back in a practiced gesture and the bra went slack.

“I wanted to do that!” Dean rolled his eyes and re-clasped the bra. He tried several times but failed. He turned Dean around and stared at the infernal device and still couldn’t get the damn thing off.

After he swore for the third time Dean finally let out the laugh he’d been holding in.

“Shut up! I’ve never come in contact with one of these fucking things before. Are you chained in there?” Dean laughed again and Cas grumbled. “Fine get yourself off.” He took his hands away and Dean took pity on him. He raised large hands up and guided them to snap the clasps open.

Dean turned slowly and Cas stopped breathing again when he saw the beautiful form in front of him.

“You are…” Cas was at a loss for words, “Are you sure you want me, because if I sleep with you now I’m not going to be happy with another human in the world.”

“Are you sure?” Dean breathed, he blushed deeply when Cas nodded reverently.

“Positive. I’m never going to want another being on this earth for the rest of my life.” He leaned in, his chest grazing Dean’s, “And I don’t even have to sleep with you,” he breathed in the shell of an ear.

“Oh, Cas,” Dean moaned and threw his head back, “You, only you.”

Castiel needed no other invitation but sank his lips down. Everything felt new with the smaller body, and Cas had to pull away for a moment to chuckle.

“I feel like a giant!” Dean smacked his arm hard and pushed the last of Cas’s clothing away. Before either could speak or kiss or anything Cas wrapped his arms around his favorite person and fell back into the bed taking Dean with him.

Since he didn’t want to deny himself anything he moved down Dean’s tiny neck and sucked marks all the way. The new, smooth skin threw him for a second but everything was beautiful and tasted like _Dean_. After three or four hickies had been successfully sucked Cas moved down to Dean’s breasts.

He didn’t want to ask, but instead he wanted to find out exactly what Dean liked. He kissed softly on the outside of the flesh and Dean made breathy moans. Cas kissed all over trying to stay away from the dark nipples, trying to turn his boyfriend absolutely crazy.

Which he found out he excelled at.

Dean was a begging mess pleading Cas to touch him, kiss him, whatever. He begged Cas to do more than just pepper soft kisses and when Cas flicked his eyes to meet green ones he saw Dean was near tears needing more. That was the invitation Cas needed and he reveled in the fullness in his mouth. Dean moaned loudly when Cas’s mouth sank home and arched his back to push into that sinful tongue more. Cas found it was so much easier to tongue Dean’s nipples with breasts behind it. When he felt he had done a good enough job on the left he moved over to the right, his hand coming up to cup the unattended nipple.

“Oh Cas, Cas,” Dean dragged and begged as his hands returned to claw at Cas’s scalp. He hummed around the flesh in his mouth and sighed when he pulled away with a pop. He ran his tongue over all the ink he could reach but decided, or rather his cock decided, he would memorize the lines with his tongue later because he had to be in his boyfriend now.

“Dean…” he lay flat on Dean and pulled himself up to kiss more. “Please…” he rubbed his painful, leaking shaft on Dean’s leg like a horny dog. And Dean was the perfect lover for a reason, he stopped the kiss and pulled at Cas’s hips.

“C’mere je t’aime,” he moved so his slender legs were wrapped around Cas’s waist and eased Cas’s arms up so that he was on his elbows and perfectly aligned. Dean reached down and rubbed the precum all over Cas’s shaft while the man threw his head back in a moan.

“So good, m-my l-love,” he panted. He yelled out when Dean aligned them and pushed his hips down. “Oh, fuck, Dean!” Cas’s screwed shut eyes slammed open and he looked down at his soul mate in shock. “Is this…this is what it’s supposed to feel like?”

Dean nodded shyly and Cas moved his hips tentatively, small waves of shock coursing through him. Everything felt so…perfect. This was nothing like the last time he’d had sex with a woman, well more like while a girl bounced up and down on his cock while he tried to sluggishly fight back. He groaned in the feeling of perfection wrapped around his shaft as Dean waited patiently under him.

“You ok, je t’aime?” He cupped Cas’s face as Cas stilled his hips forgetting the world as his body told him he should never move again. Dean got the wrong idea because he started to panic. “We don’t have to do this, je t’aime, please don’t hate me, please, I won’t leave I promise. Just don’t push yourself into something you don’t want to do.” Cas frowned and looked hard into green eyes.

“Why would I want to stop?” He was genuinely confused, “This is the greatest I’ve ever felt, why would I stop now? Unless,” he didn’t want to hear the answer but he knew he had to ask, “Do you want me to stop?”

“No,” Dean held onto Cas’s face fiercely, “Don’t stop ever, I was just worried because you weren’t…”

“Fucking your brains out?” Cas grinned darkly, “Don’t worry, my love,” He leaned down and kissed Dean’s collarbone, “I’ll get to that in a moment. I was just thinking, this is nowhere near what I thought it was going to be.”

“You thought we’d be bad?” Dean laughed lightly, and Cas sank his forehead down in a tattooed chest.

“No,” he blushed refusing to look up, “No, I just…the last time I had sex with a woman it didn’t feel good, and this feels so _amazing_ I just had to stop because I was overwhelmed at how good it was.” Cas looked up his heart nervous because he knew he didn’t explain it very well. But he was surprised.

Dean’s eyes were filled with nothing but understanding and love.

“Me too,” he whispered, “Our first night, after the bar… I knew you would be different, better, than any other person I’d ever slept with.”

With that Cas felt what real perfection was. He mumbled love and praises as he started to move in earnest getting high off the moans and little noises Dean was giving to him gladly.

Dean was…there were no words to describe how Cas felt as he rested inside his boyfriend. Sure he’d fucked Dean before but this time it was different…the skin was silkier and Cas felt he could move the small body around easily. And that was exactly what he did. He kissed Dean hard one more time and then grabbed a leg and threw it over his shoulder as he snapped his hips harder.

“Ohhh Cas,” Dean groaned as a spot inside him was hit deeper and harder. It had been nearly five years since Dean had felt like this except for that one drunken night and he was going insane. Cas grunted and ran his hands up and down the leg on his shoulder and around his hip. He arched Dean off the bed easily and pounded in harder as Dean yelled over and over.

They moved and fucked as one for a while but there was something missing. Cas was getting frustrated, in reality the emotion was marginal because Dean was just so _perfect_ but Castiel was tiring and neither of them had come, an unusual event for the both of them.

Wasn’t there something about…zones? Didn’t he hear about it on _Friends_ or something? He just remembered the number seven and he looked down at where they were connected in the most intimate way. Dean liked it when he touched his rim so maybe this is the same…?

Dean’s back nearly broke in pleasure when Cas’s large fingers found a small bud of nerves. If he wasn’t near the most intense orgasm of his life Dean would have laughed at his saucer-eyed fiancé. Well, Cas decided, he was just going to go for it. He twirled the bud between his fingers, squeezed it, rolled it, whatever just to continue the moans and half yells coming from Dean’s mouth.

At some point he must have connected his thrusts with his fingers because Dean clamped down on his shaft hard and screamed his eyes rolling back. Cas came right after filling Dean in both body and soul.

They were about to connect their lips in languid kisses when a banging came on the floor below.

“Taire vous deux!” An angry voice yelled. (shut up you two)

“Vous fermez, nous ne allons pas à se excuser pour un putain de fantastique!” Dean cackled back and the yelling died down. (you shut up we’re not going to apologize for fantastic fucking)

“What did you say?” Cas giggled shifting Dean in his arms so their sweaty, sated bodies were minutely closer.

“Something wicked,” Dean winked and Cas held his soul mate closer.

 They rested in silence for a while, kissing every so often, and drawing patterns on naked skin.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always thanks for reading!


	24. Let Me Show You Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep I haven't updated, but hey LONG chapter!! Happy reading!

“What did I do to deserve you?” Dean held Cas’s face after they finished making love for the third time.

“Nothing,” Cas whispered as he leaned into Dean’s healing touch. “I don’t deserve you, but I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to be worthy.”

“Ditto,” Dean smiled softly. Then after a long time; “So what now?”

“Hmm?” Cas was nearly asleep with his small boyfriend spooned in tight to his chest.

“I mean what are we going to do now?”

“Do you like it here?”

“Yes,” Dean breathed as he stroked Cas’s hands on his stomach.

“Well, I’m going to assume Paris has paint and clay…”

“Yes…” Dean couldn’t get himself to quite believe it.

“Then I’ll just have to learn French,” Cas said grudgingly. Dean laughed, he laughed beyond the point where it was no longer funny. He laughed at the sheer joy running through him, he laughed because Cas was here in Paris. He was there with his arms around Dean and he couldn’t stop laughing.

“What if I cook you French food?” He bribed after he recovered.

“Mmm,” Dean felt a wet, sloppy kiss at the back of his neck, “Are you trying to fatten me up?”

“Mmm-hmm,” Dean snuggled in close and hummed a sigh. Over the past nearly two years his mind kept reminding him how he’d promised and planned hundreds of dishes for his lover. Any time he learned a new dish he would imagine how Cas would like it or not. He would hate that salad because it had raw tomatoes in it, he would love that dessert because it had coconut. So Dean was going to cook everything for his husband to be. “It’s my job to take care of you nw. I’m keeping you for a long time so I need you healthy,” he said softly kissing the arm wrapped around his breasts.

“I don’t think loading me up with butter and cream constitutes healthy, my darling.” Dean smiled and kissed again, determined to undo the damage he’d caused.

“Fine, je t’aime I’ll make you a salad.”

“You?” Cas said in a mocking, shocked tone, “A salad?! Quelle horreur!” Dean elbowed him lightly.

“Shut up. I—” he suddenly felt a wave of sleep. “Oh shit I forgot—” but whatever he forgot was lost on Cas as his head collapsed on Cas’s arm. Cas was nervous for a moment before he realized what was going on.

It started slow, just a faint glow under Dean’s skin, until it looked like his soul mate had sunshine flowing through his veins. There was a burst of light and Dean the man was dead asleep in Cas’s arms. Cas knew his eyes must have been as round as dinner plates and his jaw was slack…but…he thought he’d seen the most beautiful thing ever when he saw Dean naked…but this was…Cas was at a loss for words.

So he simply rolled over and curled into Dean’s back and feel asleep quickly.

***

Dean woke up in Cas’s arms and there was no better feeling in the world. He rolled as gently as he could so he didn’t wake up his sleeping perfection. He just couldn’t stop looking at Cas, the man was so beautiful and when Dean he thought of last night…well it wasn’t morning that had him tenting the sheets like a boy scout and after a minute shift of his eyes he realized Cas was the same way.

“Cas,” he whispered, he nearly laughed when his beautiful je t’aime scrunched his nose and buried his face deeper in the pillow. “Ca-as,” he sing songed and pressed a warm palm on the hard erection between them.

Cas shook his head and pressed himself further into the pillow. Dean smirked apparently now he had a job to do. He started stroking firmly, twisting his hand when he came to Cas’s head, and every third stroke or so he would press his thumb as deep as he could into Cas’s slit. The other man squirmed but still refused to move his face out of the soft warmth.

It got harder when he felt his fiancé nudge his leg around Dean’s hip and a wet finger at his hole. He groaned when he felt the finger tease into the muscle and he reached out blindly to hold onto something of Dean’s. That something ended up being a warm, large bicep. When the finger started to curl into him Cas thrust hard back (against his will of course) into Dean’s palm and back on Dean’s finger. He groaned loudly ad his lover’s hands stopped and he did all the work thrusting back and forth into the palm and on the finger.

“Cas, je t’aime,” Dean’s voice was haggard with need. That got Cas to snap up and look deeply at his flushed, stupid idiot.

“What do you need?” he started moving his hands down, but Dean stopped him.

“Lube,” he dragged out. Cas stopped moving entirely when a different kind of red appeared on Dean’s face. Shame was an easy emotion to read when that was the only thing Cas saw when he looked in the mirror.

“Talk to me,” he said softly using his free hands to flutter all over Dean’s back.

“I don’t have anything,” Dean hid his face in Cas’s neck.

“That’s ok, we love one another and I don’t expect you to give me anything, yourself will be more than adequate.”

“No, Cas,” Dean pulled back slightly, “I mean I don’t _have_ anything.” He tilted his head towards the nightstand and Cas’s eyes watered.

“N-nothing? How do you…?” He jerked his fist in the empty air.

“I don’t,” came the whisper and Cas’s eyes widened even more. He kissed all over Dean’s face when he realized that the man was too ashamed even to touch himself. But then again Cas was in the same boat for a long time too.

“Oh, baby,” he kissed Dean’s lips hard. “No wonder you were so, um, responsive last night!”

“Well other than that drunken night I hadn’t had sex in that form in nearly five years…” Cas’s elation took a huge puncture.

“Oh.” Of course he was the reason for that.

“No, no, je t’aime, don’t,” Dean took his hands away from Cas just to wrap his arms around the brunet as he closed in on himself. Their shafts softened though neither noticed, their morning desire forgotten in a moment. “Je t’aime please, don’t move away I’m fine, I love you.” Cas nodded but he still pulled away.

“I’m going to shower.” Dean nodded. Just because they’d had sex and cooed and said I love you it didn’t automatically heal the pain and damage. A million kisses couldn’t heal a bullet wound, it just took time.

“Hmm?” He’d missed Cas’s words.

“I asked if you wanted to join me?”

“Yes,” Dean jumped up and raced Cas to the bathroom.

The shower didn’t lead to sex, it led to something better. It led to an intimacy both thought they’d lost a long time ago. They took turns massaging soap into scalps and skin and shared hot, open mouth kisses under the water.

“Fuck!” Cas yelled when the water turned frigid on them and Dean laughed when he jumped out.

“Yeah it does that…” Something in his tone made Cas tilt his head to the side.

“What?”

“I used to pretend it was you, that you flushed your toilet or ran the sink ad it was what changed my water.” He said to the floor, “Stupid, right?”

Cas embraced the wet man and kissed a shoulder, “Never stupid.” He kissed up a neck, “I put all your tee-shirts in zip lock bags and then kept one out on your pillow and when your scent faded I got another.”

“What about your, um…”

“He was never really my um anything.” Cas wouldn’t say more until they were toweled off. Then he led them back to the bed where they tangled up, still naked, under the blankets. “Do you want the long or the short story?” They might as well get this over with.

“The long,” Dean tightened his arms around his soul mate.

“Alright but no interruptions and no feeling sorry for yourself we both made mistakes and we’re together now so there’s no use in feeling guilty.” Dean nodded, “Alright, so after you left I um, wanted to…to…”

“Forget me?” Dean breathed.

“No interrupting, no, I wanted to find the happiness you gave me. So once I…I realized you weren’t coming back,” Dean didn’t interrupt this time, “I tried everything. Alcohol, I…Gabe or Sam had to drive me home from the bar a lot…I stayed drunk for about four months but it didn’t work so I went to drugs.” The arms around him squeezed him tighter and rubbed his back.

“What did you try?”

“Everything. Marijuana, meth, cocaine, acid, ecstasy, I did Drugs 101 for about two weeks and was rushed to the hospital after an overdose,” Dean’s arms froze around him. Cas buried himself down so he wouldn’t have to see the hurt look on his lover’s face.

“Je t’aime,” he murmured petting Cas’s hair.

“I’m better,” came the shaky voice near his stomach. “It’s just…a little scary still. I didn’t care, I didn’t care to the point if I lived or died,” Dean’s muscles jumped and tightened. “But then I got high…and,” he faltered so Dean rubbed his back in support. “You were there, you were happy and smiling, you had never left and you were so wonderful. But you kept laughing and saying it wasn’t real. You held my hand and giggled telling me you weren’t really there and this was a hallucination.” Cas sighed and pulled his head back to look in green eyes.

“This is real,” Dean whispered, “Trust me, this is real.” Cas nodded and pressed his face tightly into Dean’s chest.

“I woke up in the hospital and Gabe was there, he’d been crying and he told me the doctors all said I wasn’t supposed to make it.” Dean swallowed hard and he couldn’t believe how close he came to actually losing Castiel. He could be ok with Cas being on the other side of the world with someone else, but a dead Castiel was something Dean absolutely couldn’t handle. “Sam, um, Sam drove me home and they moved in the house. Gabe had to go back on his book tour, he didn’t want to but his publisher couldn’t get him out of it…Sam took care of me and when Gabe got back they, well they helped me.”

“They’re good at that.” Dean rubbed Cas as much as he could and when his fingers failed he kissed and kissed and kissed. This wasn’t about sex, neither of them moved to start anything, it was about healing. “So Balthazar,” Dean wanted to finish catching up so they could move on.

“Balthazar,” Cas agreed pulling the comforter up a little higher. “We met online, Gabe set me up on some ridiculous dating site and Bal got me to smile for the first time since…since…”

“Since I left,” Dean finished quietly.

“Yes, Sam and Gabe encouraged me to try dating so I went out with him and it was…nice,” Cas worried his lip when he gaged Dean’s reaction. There was nothing but open green eyes, full of understanding and love. “It was nice to be around another person,” Cas finished.

“Did you sleep with him?”

“Do you really want to know?” Dean nodded. “No, we…um tried but he’s top and I couldn’t…when it wasn’t you,” Cas wouldn’t look above their entwined fingers. “So, your turn.”

“What?”

“I told you everything, now it’s your turn to talk to me.” Dean sighed.

“There’s nothing really to tell, I left and went to Sam and Gabe’s. They were off on that book tour so I knew the place was empty. I grabbed one of my boxes of clothes that I left at their place.”

“I went there, after a few days.”

“I uh, didn’t hang around long. I went to Bobby’s…” Dean buried his nose in Cas’s hair and spoke into his scalp. Somehow it seemed safer there, like the chocolate hair around him protected them from hurt. “I sold my bike, the Impala, everything I could to get out here.”

“You sold the Impala?!” Cas was shocked, he was sure apart from himself and Sam that was the next highest thing Dean loved.

“Yeah, Bobby bought it, he wanted to just give me money but I wouldn’t let him. I just wanted to be as far from there as possible.” Now it was Cas’s turn to wrap his arms tightly around Dean’s chest and shoulders.

“I’m sorry I hurt you so much that you had to run away.”

“Oh no, it wasn’t that, I knew if I didn’t get gone fast I would have gone back and hurt you even more.” They were both silent for a while, Cas wanted to say to Dean that he hadn’t been hurt but in reality they were both slowly realizing how badly they’d been in pain.

“So you made it out here,” Dean kissed Cas’s scalp.

“Yup, I flew over and lost myself. Bobby knows this mechanic who understood my condition, so I work for him part time and he introduced me to this guy who’s teaching me how to cook. He and I are saving up money to open a restaurant together.”

“That sounds amazing,” Cas smiled into Dean’s chest. “Are you and he…”

“Cas I’m naked in bed with you, wearing your wedding ring, there’s no one else.”

“Were there?” If Dean could stand to hear about Bal then Cas could hear about all of Dean’s exs. After all Dean was a borderline sex addict when they first met, Sam had told Cas three or four months after their first date that Dean either brought home someone different every night or was dragged who knows where for loud, usually awful, sex. So considering Dean’s appetite Cas braced himself to hear a number well into the double digits.

“None,” Cas had to pull away so he could see if Dean were telling the truth or not.

“Seriously? Not even one?”

“Well there was this one,” Cas’s chest tightened, how had Dean been able to be so supportive of him and Bal? This was torture, “He was this artist, he used to get paint in my hair and he would get all obsessive. Sometimes I was afraid he’d be so obsessed he’d forget to eat so that was when I would make him his favorite meal, or I would work really hard to perfect whatever I was cooking just so when he popped out of whatever project he was on he’d have something good to eat. Oh and he was sexy, damn he could make me come in my pants with just a look and smirk. He doesn’t think he deserves love or me but in reality I could be the richest man in the world, have rubies lain at his feet and I still wouldn’t deserve to be near him.”

“Dean…”  Cas’s voice was shaky. He kissed the side of Dean’s lips, and then his nose, then softly to each freckled eyelid. Then he moved over and kissed the left ear, then the right, five or twelve kisses rained on his forehead, before his lips moved down to perfectly proportioned cheeks. However, before he could really kiss this amazing man in front of him his stomach decided to make an appearance and sing the loud song of its people. Cas was all for ignoring the hunger pains but Dean had other plans.

“When was the last time you ate?”

“The burgers last night,” he tried to chase lips but Dean was too forceful.

“And before that?”

“Umm,” Cas pulled back and thought, “Some toast yesterday morning, Bal wouldn’t let me get in the car without eating something.” The emotions across Dean’s face were hard to read but they became easier when Dean finally took a look at Cas’s body. He wasn’t fogged with lust like last night, where all he could really focus on was hot lips on his skin and a tongue turning him into fire. He really looked at him, not in the frantic I-need-your-body-now, or oh-look-at-that-sexy-bod, but rather he took in all the changes in Cas’s features.

“You’ve lost weight,” Dean couldn’t really point out Cas’s ribs, but he could see the faint outlines of them. Where a broad chest was, now the skin was grayish and pulled tighter over a thinner body. In the light of day Cas’s beautiful tanned skin was lessened and didn’t have the same glow that Dean had fallen in love with. His eyes had also seemed to have taken a puncture, but they seemed to be growing brighter. Cas shrugged under his stare and tried to move back to kissing again.

“It isn’t a big deal.”

“Well it is now, I’m going to take care of you.”

“Oh are you?” Cas giggled and pushed Dean over to straddle him. “And what exactly are you going to do, Winchester?” he traced one finger on the broad tattoo covering a muscled chest.

“Mmm, cook you breakfast.” Dean flipped them and got out of the bed quickly. Cas admired his naked ass as he walked away and how Dean’s back had become impossibly more beautiful with the soft wings stretching across it and down to his elbows.

“What can I do?” he came up behind and held his fiancé (Cas got positively giddy remembering that he could now return to calling Dean his fiancé) around the lower waist.

“Sit and eat,” Dean pointed with a spatula at the table which already had toast and orange juice on it.

“Are you going to fatten me up, Winchester?” Cas teased.

“You better believe it, Novak, I didn’t take care of you before, so you better believe I’m going to make damn sure this time.”

“Dean…”

“No,” Dean turned and kissed the brunet lightly, “If I can’t say I should have, you can’t say that I was perfect and you were the messed up one.” He turned again and went back to cooking.

“Ok,” he started in on the toast and got an approving smile from Dean as he slid eggs and bacon on his plate. Dean made sure Cas finished off a second helping and had to hold his hands up when Dean tried to slide a third egg onto his plate.

“Cas…” Dean growled.

“Dean,” Cas matched his tone, “I haven’t had a full meal in almost two years, you can’t stuff me up right away, I’ll get sick.” He didn’t want to tell Dean how queasy he felt, and how he thought his stomach was going to rip in half, just because he wanted to keep that smile on Dean’s face. “Please keep smiling,” he cupped Dean’s face as the perfect lips turned down.

“It’s not that,” Dean really hated himself because he was the reason Cas starved himself. He was the reason Cas couldn’t eat. He was the reason Cas smoked two packs a day.

“Hey, honesty here, I told you if you wanted that ring back you had to tell me everything.” Cas pushed his forehead.

“I’m just sorry that I put you through all this.” Dean closed his eyes and breathed in Cas’s smell.

“Thank you,” Cas breathed, “I’m glad you’re sorry it means we won’t make the same mistakes again. I mean I’m sorry you’re sorry and hurting, but it means that you show remorse, you’ve grown. It tells me you really want this to work that you care about my feelings and wellbeing.” Dean sighed against him, a single tear dropping on Cas’s naked thigh. “Come on,” he pulled back so his lips could kiss his boyfriend’s ear. “I need a hug,” he kissed under Dean’s ear and got up.

Dean sat dejectedly in the chair and only looked up when a hand was thrust under his chin.

Cas smiled and he pulled Dean up into his arms. “We’re both sorry and we’re both going to be fine. Or at least we’ll be _together_. Ok?” He pulled back to look at his returning best friend.

“Ok,” Dean said shakily, “I never expected this.” Cas led them to the bedroom and cocked his head to the side.

“This?” He guided them back under the covers, and now every time they touched they shared smiled and soft laughter would bubble up for no reason.

“This,” Dean kissed his cheek, “This. You. Here. I went to sleep honestly thinking I’d hallucinated again.”

“Again?” Cas was afraid to ask but he knew his tales of drugs and overdoses probably had the same effect on Dean.

“I never stopped dreaming of you. Sometimes you hated me, but most times you were happy and smiling, lying next to me and I was holding you. Those were the hardest because when I woke up…”

“I wasn’t there.” They stayed silent just content for a while holding one another. As the day wore on and time demanded to be felt they got up, after hundreds of kisses, and started their day.

“I need clothes, though I’m sure you wouldn’t mind if I wandered around naked.” He smiled darkly as Dean pulled boxers on.

“As fun as that sounds I want to take you out.” Dean grinned, “Show you my city,” he nosed Cas’s hair and pressed boxers into warm hands.

“I thought this city belongs to the French?”

“Well officially, but I’ve made it my own.”

“I’m honored you would take me over your city.” Cas kissed all over Dean’s tattoos and whined when they were covered by a tee-shirt. Dean laughed softly and threw another shirt at his je t’aime’s face. Cas made a face and they both giggled like fools.

“Oh if you wanted to get back to your car…” Dean watched like a pervert while Cas adjusted himself in his newly cleaned pants. “I, um, know where it is if you want your clothes or anything.”

“That would be nice,” Cas kissed the back of Dean’s hairline on his neck. “I like this,” he said simply watching his newly found soul mate pat his pockets and check for his wallet and keys.

“This?” Dean was a bit distracted as he grabbed his phone off the small table near the door.

“This,” Cas leaned in and caressed a freckled face pulling it in so he could kiss the other cheek. He pulled away and slipped his fingers into Deans. They both sighed at the sheer perfection of how well their hands slotted together.

“I like this too,” Dean smiled like an idiot. “Do you wanna get your stuff from the car now or later?”

“What do you have planned?” Dean beamed but just kissed in answer.

“Something special.”

“Oooh then I want to get to that first, we’ll get my stuff later.” Dean beamed and they kissed again.

“This,” he said softly dragging Cas down the stairs and out on the Paris streets.

They walked for about an hour, Cas insisted he wanted to see the Eiffel Tower and even though it was at the opposite direction of where Dean wanted to take his lover he couldn’t deny those pleading blue eyes.

“Wait we can go on top? Dean!” Cas tugged at Dean’s hand and some people looked on muttering about how adorable lovers are. Dean couldn’t help the quirked smile on his lips when he took in his boyfriend’s open, enthusiastic face. In the past twenty four hours (or however many hours they’d been back together) he’d forgotten how Castiel’s face could look so impossibly, beautifully happy. The circles under his eyes and his grayish skin were gone, and in its place was eagerness and joy towards what Dean was giving him.

“What?” Cas beamed at him in question, “What are you looking at?” He glanced down at himself and when he was sure there was nothing out of order he looked back up, this time laughing slightly and cocking his head to the side. “What?”

“Nothing,” Dean pulled at their entwined hands. “I just love you, that’s all,” Cas scrunched up his nose and stuck his tongue out. “C’mon I have a surprise for you.” Dean pulled them away from the Tower and down another direction.

“But I wanted to go to the top!” Cas complained, but not very hard, as he allowed himself to be led wherever Dean wanted to take him.

“We will, je t’aime, but at night. Your first time has to be at night when the entire sky is filled with orange Parisian light.”

“Ok…” Dean felt a small kiss on his hand, “Ok, my darling.”

***

“That’s not…” Cas breathed, if Dean had fallen in love with Cas’s face at the Eiffel Tower there was no words to describe his love when Cas realized where they were. “Is it?” Cas was slack jawed, he seemed not able to comprehend anything but the glass pyramid in front of them. “It is, isn’t it?” He tackled Dean with a bear hug, “Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you,” he cried over and over as he squeezed the air out of his soul mate.

“We can go inside if you want,” Dean whispered, he laughed long, hard, and loud at the look on Castiel’s face. His soul mate looked like a five year old being told he was going to Disneyland and that he got to have an ice cream cone.

“Really?!” The dude actually squeaked.

“Yes, really, but before that you have to eat this,” Dean held out a granola bar he’d put in his pocket this morning.

Dean felt like he was feeding a dog. Cas was so excited he tried to shove the entire bar in his mouth so the other man had to snatch it back and break it apart so Cas wouldn’t try and swallow it whole. But Cas didn’t seem to mind, he chattered nonstop about the art, the pieces he’d dreamed of, the sculptures, Dean stopped listening after a while and just watched Cas become more and more animated. This was even more than when they were first together, as if Cas was finally letting go of everything and just being _Cas_.

“Bonjour, bienvenue sur le Louvre,” The woman behind the desk smiled at a Cas who looked like he was going to wet himself. “Est-ce votre première fois monsieur _?”_

“Oui,” Dean stepped forward and after a quick conversation in French an artist’s pass was pushed into Cas’s palm and Dean handed over several bills. Castiel’s eyes were huge as he turned over the sturdy, laminated pass.

“Oh sir,” the woman spoke in broken English, “The Louvre is hosting nuit artiste amateur here, would you be interested?” Cas bobbed his head up and down faster than lightening. “Here is a form, and your art must be submitted by 17 April, if you have questions contact here.” She pointed to a spot on the form and waved them off.

“Dean…” Cas couldn’t form words as his lover just chuckled and kissed his temple after throwing an easy arm around his best friend’s shoulders. “You didn’t have to,” Cas kept turning over his badge, “Artiste,” he looked at Dean to be sure he’d said the word correctly. “What does this mean?” he pointed at the small French in the corner. Dean leaned into him, warming them both and read the cramped writing.

“Well you might have to ask but it looks like you can come here and stay later than regular visitors, just show the pass. Looks like you get to be here without all the crowds, je t’aime.” Cas beamed even brighter, it seemed as if even his hair got it’s bounce back.

“You didn’t have to,” Cas said again softly. “This had to have been expensive,” he turned the card again refusing to lift his eyes from its shiny surface. He jumped when a freckled hand covered the pass and his fingers around it.

“I know what you’re going to say,” Dean leaned down and caught down cast, blue eyes. “You deserve everything Castiel, and if I can shell out a few hundred francs, I’m _always_ going to do it. if it makes you smile like that I’m willing to go bankrupt. So, come on, smile for me baby.” Cas gave a small smile. “Besides,” he kissed his future tenderly, “If you’re going to be a professional artist you better study the greats.” Cas smiled harder and dragged Dean in some direction or other.

“I thought you’d have gone for the famous shit first,” Dean whispered as his fiancé stood enthralled in front of a painting with a bunch of dudes grabbing swords. “I mean I’m all for enjoying the male form, but they’re all just grabbing for swords, aren’t they?”

Well that was a mistake because Dean had to listen to a twenty minute speech on how the emotions, and the movement, and the story all made this piece powerful. But then again he didn’t mind because it was Cas and they were back together. The world was just a little bit brighter, just a bit more beautiful, and that was thanks to the man next to him.

They wandered for a few more hours finally stopping at the _Mona Lisa_ which was so beautiful Cas cried. Dean freaked out which only made his best friend cry harder, and they earned some comforting smiles as Dean rubbed Cas’s arms and made soft noises in his ear.

“I’m fine, it’s just…I’ve known that painting all my life and there it is.” Dean smiled fondly. “What?” Dean shook his head, “Nothing again?”

Dean smiled broadly, “Yup.” They scooted closer to the painting and Dean felt Cas sigh.

“So I have to ask,” Cas looked at Dean in the bright sunshine. They were on some bridge enjoying ice cream cones and refusing to let go of their entwined fingers. Dean looked with question over his pecan cone, “Where are your skirts?” Cas was able to take a peek at Dean’s clothes and there was nothing but jeans and shirts.

“Oh, umm,” Dean looked at his cone, he mumbled something and the fresh badge of shame covered his features again.

“What?” Cas rubbed circles on their connected hands.

“I threw them away,” Dean looked up with pleading eyes. “Please, je t’aime, you have to understand.” Cas froze.

“You didn’t deserve…” his voice died.

“No I didn’t.” Dean looked hard at him. His face didn’t soften when Cas’s eyes were misting. “Damn it Cas when will you get it through your thick skull, _I left you_. And it wasn’t even like I gave you a heads up, I left you in bed with my fucking wedding ring on the nightstand. So I had to pay, I had to…to…”

“To atone,” Cas said softly. “My darling Dean,” Cas stroked Dean’s face, “My love,” he replaced his fingers with his lips. “My soulmate,” more kisses. He pulled back and looked deeply into green eyes. “We’ve both paid the price, and we both don’t deserve the other.” Dean nodded slowly. “So let’s just agree to disagree on this. I’ll never deserve you and you don’t believe me, and you’ll feel like you can’t be worthy of me even though I know that’s the farthest from the truth. So we’re going to agree to disagree on this one.” Dean nodded and to lighten the mood Cas hit his lover’s other hand so that the cone Dean had forgotten hit him in the nose.

“Oh you play dirty, Novak,” Cas leaned in and placed an open mouthed kiss on Dean’s nose, sucking on the appendage lightly.

“Mmm, that ice cream is good,” De looked at him dryly and they finished their cones quickly. Dean got up to lead them somewhere and Cas followed happily behind his boyfriend.

“This is my favorite place in all of Paris. I came here right after I found my apartment.” The noise was chaotic and the action was deafening.

“I can see why you like it.” Cas had to nearly shout to be heard over the raucous arguments in French.  The noise, the smells, the inability for anything to sit still, it was all Castiel’s husband to be.

“No one in Paris really buys their food at grocery stores, they come here.” It seemed every few stalls someone yelled out bonjour to Dean and by the sixth or seventh time Cas leaned in and murmured into his favorite shell of an ear.

“You seem well known ‘round here,” Dean chuckled softly. His laugh deepened when a particularly good looking girl greeted the green eyed man.

“It’s always been you,” he whispered reassuringly.

“Even with competition like that?” Cas nodded in the direction of a fifty year old woman who was waving merrily at them. she was missing a few front teeth and she cackled a greeting at Dean.

“Well I forgot about Eva,” Dean grinned wickedly, “You can find your way back to the flat if I had some afternoon delight with her?” Cas pinched his side hard and they both laughed.

Though Cas was far more nervous when they reached another booth and a man got up excitedly and blue green eyes were filled with a mischievous light and his drawling French even made Cas’s knees weak.

“Cas this is Benny, he’s the man I told you about.” Dean made introductions and the man’s eyes hardened just a small bit.

“Is this him?”

“Yep.” Dean beamed but neither Cas nor Benny noticed.

“Hm,” his lips were set in a hard line. Cas bristled, he’d had enough of homophobic assholes.

“What?” he snapped.

“Dean don’t interrupt,” he spoke before the other man could open his mouth. His accent wasn’t French but something distinctly Cajun and it made Cas’s knees week and his heart sink with jealousy.

“He wants me to translate,” Dean did _not_ want to be here. Cas was his soulmate, but Benny helped him to find himself again.

“I never expected you to come back, so I don’t have anything prepared to say. That boy,” he pointed at Dean who looked at his shoes, “Was _nothing_ when he got here. He couldn’t even smile. He never told me what you did but it took me nearly a year to get him excited about cooking again. But,” Cas felt like he couldn’t hunch any further inside himself, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this happy right now next to you. So I suppose I’m going to have to get used to you.”  He grumbled but never stopped staring Cas dead in the eye.

“Thank you,” the brunet breathed, not trusting his voice, “I’m happy someone took care of him. Um… a pris soin, je nai pas,” he looked at his feet. “I want to be worthy, um dinge, moi dinge,” he knew his accent was shit, he’d tried so hard to learn the fucking language but somehow he couldn’t somehow he couldn’t get his tongue around the foreign sounds. He was glad Benny spoke English, but he’d memorized those specific words for over a year, just in case.

Benny glared for a moment more but then broke into a smile. “You will be worthy, and if you’re not,” he flexed his muscles, “I’ll be there,” he broke off looking at Cas and turned back to Dean speaking in rapid French. They conversed for a while and Cas busied himself watching the market unfold. His artist brain was overloaded in the movement and color and already he had an idea of what he wanted to paint next.

“Ready?” Dean breathed in his ear. Cas smiled, followed his lover as they moved through the stalls. Dean stopped every now and then to pick up different things. Every time they stopped Cas would ask what they were getting but Dean would only smile and kiss him.

“We should get your things.” Dean had a few bags of food as they walked back to his apartment and Cas plastered a smile on his face. “What?”

“I’m just a little tired.”

“Jet lag?” Cas couldn’t evade those perfect, understanding green eyes.

“Not exactly, I just…Benny was really nice, and I’m glad you had people taking care of you and I understand why they all hate me because…” Dean stopped them and kissed Castiel swiftly.

“I’m sorry I didn’t realize…” Cas nodded.

“I know we’ll get it over with, I want to meet your friends, it’s just…”

“Of course,” Dean kissed him again, because why not? He held the bags out. “You go to my apartment and I’ll get our things.” He pressed his key into Cas’s palm. “I shouldn’t be long.”

“I will wait for you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed, comments are always appreciated!


	25. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do I have notes? Not really...thanks as always for reading!!

“Je t’aime?” Dean panted when he came into the apartment. Garth and Ash were equally out of breath as thy heaved the last of the incredibly heavy art supplies. Dean tuned back when one of the mechanics dropped a heavy case onto the floor. “Hey I told you it wasn’t that bad,” they both glared.

“It’s just some art supplies,” Garth intoned.

“It’ll take not time,” Ash followed.

“And you promised we could meet him!” Both craned their necks shamelessly into the apartment as if Cas was an incredibly rare animal at the zoo.

“Ok I lied,” Dean held up his palms. “You will get to meet him, but not today.” The mechanics grumbled but nodded. “Oh,” Dean went to the small fridge and pulled out a dish. “Payment.”

“Cream puffs!” Garth and Ash fought over the dish as they descended the stairs. Dean lugged the canvasses, the sketchbooks, the two giant art boxes, and one small battered suitcase into his apartment. In the shifting an envelope came lose and without thinking Dean opened it and his body stopped. Smiling pictures beamed at him with a bright font. “Save the Date!” winked up at him and Dean didn’t know how to feel.

Because that was his other part of atonement, forcing himself into pants wasn’t enough, he had to pay. So he did.

He didn’t leave anything, he never called, he never wrote, never contacted his brother in any way. It was painful, hard as hell, and Dean knew he deserved every moment of it. But it wasn’t as if he expected Sammy’s life to stop, he wanted the kid to keep on living, and here was the proof smiling up at him in big goofy grins.

“Sam asked Gabe when he came back from his book tour, about eighteen months ago.” Cas had come up softly and he rested his chin on Dean’s shoulder. “Gabe was all for getting married right away, the four of us going to Vegas, but I think Sam wanted to wait…”

“Wait?”

“Wait, I think he wanted to see if you…” Dean nodded and Cas didn’t mention anything more about the lack of communication between the brothers.

“Four? He liked Balthazar? I mean liked him enough to be one of two guest at his wedding?”

“Oh no,” Cas laughed lightly, it came so easy now, laughter. “Kevin. He was an assigned intern over the book tour and he just sort of grew on Gabe. He moved in to their old apartment while they had to watch over me. Then when I was better they swapped. Kevin wants to be a writer and he seems to think Gabriel is a walking bible,” Cas shuddered remembering the thousands of questions and conversations Kevin would spring on him, asking him to read paragraphs. “And as Gabe’s brother, if the writer wasn’t around…he seemed to think I was just as talented in the same area.” Dean winced at what Cas’s tone hinted at.

“Hey je t’aime you’re creative.”

“Yes, but not with writing. Gabriel found some of my writing from college or something and showed it to Kevin. There were far less questions after that.” Dean shared in his fiancé’s laugh. “Oh thank you!” Cas kissed Dean quickly when he saw the piles of his art supplies. He hurried over and started sorting and Dean just smiled and moved to the kitchen.

“Oh,” Dean turned and saw a sketchbook in Cas’s hands.

“Yeah I didn’t think that was yours, I know you prefer hardbacks, but we just grabbed everything.”

“It’s Bal’s,” the soft black leather of Balthazar’s sketchbook felt heavy so Cas set it by the door. He really did hope the man would find happiness and soon.

They each fell into a rhythm of Cas sorting his things and Dean wrinkling his nose at the stale cigarette smell coming from the suitcase. He took all the clothes and shoved them in the washer and then went to rummage through the food he’d gotten at the market and he started cooking. He was so into it he didn’t even notice Cas had disappeared. It wasn’t until he realized he needed some fresh herbs did he find his lover.

Cas had set up the easel Dean had bought and was frantically painting the Paris skyline in the growing dusk.

“That looks fantastic je t’aime,” Cas just grunted and painted on. Dean shook his head fondly, got his handful of different herbs and went back to the stove.

“Chicken noodle soup!” Cas was excited when he came in after Dean called.

“Give me more time when I make it again and I’ll hand make the pasta.” Dean positively preened when Cas beamed at him. Under Benny’s instruction he’d learned so much and if the look on Cas’s face was anything his food had gotten better.

After the soup was some leftover lavender ice cream Dean had been experimenting with.

“You need chairs out here, my love,” Cas said as he leaned his back against his fiancé’s chest and Dean was against the brick wall.

“Mm-hm,” Dean agreed, “I never spent much time up here, just in the greenhouse.”

“Why? This view is excellent!” Dean took the empty ice cream dish out of Cas’s hand and set both of theirs on the windowsill next to them. He wrapped his arms around Cas’s waist and pulled the man close, his nose buried in his love’s neck.

“No one to share it with.”

“Hmm,” Cas sighed and relaxed into Dean’s chest. A thought occurred to him and he started to giggle. When he couldn’t hold it in he really started laughing and Dean laughed along, not really knowing what was funny.

“It’s just,” Cas giggled again. “The reason we broke up was because I couldn’t sleep with you as a woman and now we haven’t even tried as two men. It just seemed very funny all of a sudden.”

Dean laughed slightly, “Do you want to have sex?”

“Mmm,” Cas hummed as Dean nosed his hair and his hands rubbed his full stomach. “Yes,” he breathed, “But not tonight.” He pulled away, turned, and pressed something into Dean’s palm “Tonight I want you to call Sam.” Without another word he left the roof and Dean could hear him puttering around in the kitchen cleaning up. He played with the black plastic for a bit and then with a shuddering breath dialed the familiar number.

“Cassie!!” Gabriel’s voice chirped in happiness, “Where are you now? Russia? Are you fighting a bear? Or, oooh, are you in Spain running with the bulls?!” After a short pause and much less enthusiastically, “How’s Balthazar?”

“It’s, um, Dean,” Dean could handle talking to his brother but Castiel’s brother…

“Well, well,” Gabe’s tone changed for the darker. “You found one another.”

“Um, yeah,” Dean stuttered, “Listen Gabe—”

“I don’t want to hear you say you’re fucking sorry,” Gabriel snapped. “Those are empty words. _They. Mean. Nothing.”_ He bit out, “I had to watch him, every time the phone rang his face lit with hope and then when it wasn’t you…he just looked like a kicked puppy. Or the mail, I couldn’t go to the mail box because every time I brought something in I couldn’t stand the dejection in his eyes. Emails too, and he tried to play it off as no big deal even though it was killing him inside.”

“I’ve told Cas I’m sorry and I’m going to—”

“I wasn’t talking about Cas.” Gabriel snapped angrily. “Do you think Castiel was the only one who suffered?”

“But Cas told me about the wedding and the book tour…”

“Oh yes, fat lot of a difference that made,” the venomous voice dripped in sarcasm. “I’m the husband Dean Winchester, not the brother. I may be sleeping with him but I didn’t raise him. I’m not the one he’s looked up to since he was _three_.” There was a tense silence.

“I don’t know what to say,” Dean’s voice was tiny and broken, hot tears were running down his face cooling in the wind.

“Do you feel like shit right now?”

“Yes,” Dean said without hesitation.

“Did you feel like shit the entire time?”

“Yes.”

“Good. Sammy! Phone!” Dean flinched when the phone dropped on the table hard.

“Gabriel don’t throw the phone!” Dean’s breath stopped when he heard his brother’s voice for the first time in two years. “Hello?”

Dean couldn’t speak.

“Hello?”

What was he supposed to say?

“Hello?”

“Hey Sammy,” a thousand silences passed.

“Dean?”

“Yeah,” he couldn’t breathe while he prepared himself for the worst.

“It’s so good to hear from you, man. Where are you?” Sam’s voice was full of forgiveness and joy and love that Dean choked a sob and laugh at the same time. They talked for three hours, neither thinking of the time difference or the fact that neither liked to talk on the phone. They talked about Sam’s first few cases as a new lawyer, and Dean’s life in Paris. Sam never mentioned Cas and Dean wanted it to be just about them right now as much as he wanted to call from the rooftops that he had his soul mate back. At the end of their conversation Sam insisted Dean be his best man.

“I can’t believe I’m getting married, but you have to be there Dean it wouldn’t be real if you weren’t there. Cas is gonna be Gabe’s best man so I don’t know if that would be awkward but I really need you there.”

“Sam look at who’s calling you.” He heard a fumble.

“No way! Really?! And you to are…”

“We are,” Dean beamed.

“Well, be sure he’s good to you.”

“Wait I thought I’d be the enemy,” Dean was honestly shocked.

“Dean you aren’t a bad man,” Sam sighed when he heard a scoff. “You did what you had to, you may not have handled it in the best way, but you didn’t do it to be hurtful or intentionally mean. You had no way out.” Dean cried fresh tears.

“How do you always know the right thing to say?”

Sam chuckled, “Because I’m smarter than you.”

“Fuck off,” Sam laughed harder. “Was he bad?” Dean had to know.

“Don’t do that to yourself man.”

“I have to know Sammy.”

“Yeah, he didn’t call us right away. I think you’d been gone for a couple of months, he called from a bar, they took his keys and he said he had no one else to call.” Dean heard Sam swallow, “It scared the hell out of Gabe, that we’d been so into the tour and ourselves that Cas had gotten so bad…”

“Hey you can’t blame yourself, you didn’t even know what city you were in half the time.”

“Yeah, but you’re our brothers, you know? We should have been there!” They both sighed. “Well, anyway, we got home and he was so skinny…he stayed constantly drunk for about three months and then one night he didn’t come home.”

“Sam you have to tell me.” Dean was firm when he heard his brother wavering.

“He was gone for about two weeks. Then the hospital called at about one in the morning…”

“He told me,” Dean helped softly.

“Yeah, Gabriel nearly lost it, it was weird to be the one taking charge and not freaking out. He ran away from the hospital when the doctors said Cas wasn’t going to make it.” Sam swallowed, “But he pulled through, so we got him home and I stayed with him when Gabe had to go off on the movie tour.” He waited, allowing his brother time to process.

“And Balthazar?”

“He was…nice,” there was something in Sam’s tone that made Dean pause.

“What?”

“Well he was nice, he got Cas to smile and Cas started eating more around him, but he pushed Cas. Not like abuse but he’d get in Cas’s space and kiss him and hold him when I could see how uncomfortable he was. I saw once—” Sam stopped himself.

“Tell me.”

“You may not want to…”

“Sammy he’s in my apartment. I have his ring on my finger, I can take it.”

“Well it was late, Bal had just left but he told me he’d finally gotten Cas better, he’d fixed him…I um, went upstairs and Cas was throwing up in the bathroom. I thought it was the flu because he just couldn’t stop vomiting but when he was done he told me.”

“Told you?”

“Bal had gotten Cas to blow him and well…Cas begged me not to tell anyone, they left for Europe five days later.”

“Ok, thanks for telling me Sammy.”

“No problem, what Kevin?” He moved his face away from the phone. “Ok I’ll tell him. Sorry, Dean, hey I’m really sorry but I have to go.”

“Yeah, me too, listen it was good, I’m so sorry…”

“Don’t be I understand. Fine Kevin I’ll tell him!” He snapped, “Can you let Cas know we need the proofs by Friday?”

“Um…ok?”

“Awesome, Kevin you heard me say it you’re standing _right here_.” Dean laughed, it was a foreign thing, laughter.

“You sound like you need to deal with something.”

“Yeah.”

“Have fun babysitting,” Dean cackled.

“Jerk!”

“Bitch,” it was automatic and awesome. They said goodbye and Dean went back inside. Cas was nestled in the bed with a book on his chest.  He was fast asleep looking perfect and peaceful Dean had to stop for a moment he was so full of love. Cas’s breathing was heavy and his eyes fluttered ever so softly and Dean realized this was his life now. Someone to be there in his bed, someone to share his moments with, Cas was his life. So there was nothing left to do but pull the paperback away, undress, turn the light out, and pull Cas down into his chest.

***

“Mmm, more sleep,” Dean pushed his face into the pillow.

“Dean your alarm went off three times.” Cas continued kissing the feathers on his lover’s back.

“I don’t wanna go to work,” Dean whined and Cas let out a genuine full bodied laugh.

“Come on, my love, if you go to work I will have a surprise for you when you get home.” Dean’s head popped up and he had a dirty smirk.

“Will I like the surprise?” Cas wiggled his eyebrows and sucked a small mark on Dean’s shoulder.

“I think so,” he said breathily. “What time do you get off?” He asked, pulling away and out of the bed.

“I can be back here by three if I work through my lunch hour.” Dean moved to the bathroom as he heard Cas clank around in the kitchen. He jumped while he was brushing his teeth when a hand slipped into his boxers and squeezed his ass.

“Work through lunch,” Cas commanded. Dean grinned wolfishly at him. “How do you use this?” Cas held up a French press and Dean chuckled.

“I’ll show you tonight, I’m running late je t’aime.” He kissed a disgruntled Cas.

“Whose fault is that?”

“Yours,” Dean grinned as he got dressed and Cas flopped back down on the bed.

“How do you figure that?” He asked dryly looking up at his soul mate.

“Well,” Dean ruffled chocolate hair and giggled at the noise it produced. “I can’t leave your bed baby.” He kissed once, ok one more, just one more, and then walked out the door, a permanent smile plastered across his face.

Ok so being on time to work is always good, but skipping coffee and breakfast to be on time to said work was less awesome, and Dean grumbled through his first hour of work. His stomach rumbled for the fifth time but there was no way he was drinking that shit Garth called coffee. And of course the ass hats ate all the cream puffs Dean had left over so he didn’t even have a shot of sugar. Around ten he was starving but he tried to deny himself his lunch. No matter how hungry he was he knew he wasn’t going to eat anything if he went home except if it was connected to his sex on a stick fiancé. So he worked and tried to ignore his hungry stomach.

“Garth I told you if you grabbed my ass one more time I would call the police,” he dead panned when a hand squeezed one of his cheeks.

“Oh that sounds troubling, my love, should I be worried?” Dean stood so fast his head banged on the hood of the car he’d been bent over.

“No it’s nothing! He just messes with me because he knows I’m not straight…” Cas just laughed and kissed his babbling mess. He handed Dean a thermos and he pulled out a warm croissant from a brown bag.

“How very French, my lover bringing me coffee and a croissant,” Dean kissed warm lips and then ripped apart the hot pastry and handed it to Cas.

“I already ate,” he pushed Dean’s hand to his lips.

“This is good!” Dean’s eyes widened and Cas beamed. He had flour in his hair, on his cheek, and splashed across Dean’s black tee-shirt that he was wearing. “You made this!” Cas wiggled his eyebrows and Dean took another bite, “Hey this has chocolate and cinnamon in it! This is awesome!” Cas’s smile looked like it was made of sunshine.

“I promised I wouldn’t take all the credit, Benny helped.”

“Benny?” Dean took a sip of coffee which was seriously awesome. “He came over?”

“No, I went to the market and found him.”

“You went to the market?!”

“I wanted to learn how to use that damn French press! He showed me and then got the dough, he said that if I wanted to be a true French lover I would bring you coffee and a croissant. I found the chocolate and cinnamon and I thought I would try it.”

“Well it was amazing, baby, I’m going to have some hard competition if you keep it up.” Dean kissed Cas’s temple. “I should get back to work,” he said softly.

“Of course, I’m going home I’ll see you at three.” Both got positively giddy hearing the word _home_ on Cas’s tongue. “Oh I brought you lunch, my love, I didn’t know if the other mechanics read English so I drew a picture so they would know it was yours.” They kissed and he walked away.

Dean sipped his coffee and looked in the brown bag his fiancé had left on the bumper next to him. When he realized what Cas had drawn he choked on his coffee, nearly passing out from coughing. There were several stick men (there was no way to deny that they were indeed _men_ ) all in various pornographic positions. “Can’t wait to see you at three! ;)” was written on a pink post it inside a large heart and Dean had a smile on his face and a boner in his pants the rest of the day.

***

“Baby?” Dean called when he unlocked the door. “Je t’aime?” he slipped his boots off and dropped his keys on the hook next to the door. “Honey?”

He stopped when he stood at the screen separating his bed, well their bed now, from the rest of the apartment. Cas was butt naked, spread out on his back, his legs in the air, and four fingers deep in his ass. His eyes shot open when Dean made a noise of admiration and his grin turned greedy and filthy.

“You could have been the one,” he panted, “To do this, but you’re _late_.” Dean choked on his spit.

“Could I…?” he rubbed his pants, if Cas said no Dean would respect that. He would cry in a corner, but he would respect his lover. “I mean,” he cleared his throat, “Can I still have the honor?”

“Mmm,” Cas squinted and his back arched as his fingers brushed his prostate. “I shouldn’t…” Dean bent down and kissed his knee. “You need,” he groaned when he pushed his fingers hard on the pleasurable spot. “To be punished for making me wait.” Dean kissed his other knee, his hands taking feet in his hands and rubbing firm circles. “Ohh, Dean,” the mouth became more adventurous as it moved to the insides of his legs and sucked small love bites.

“Yes je t’aime?” Dean looked up, entirely too innocent.

“You may make sweet, sweet love to me.” And it was like Dean himself turned into a witch making his clothes all but disappear. “However,” Cas groaned when he removed his fingers and pulled his best friend up to his chest. “You have to be punished.”

“Anything,” Dean groaned when Cas rolled so he couldn’t get his throbbing cock where he _really_ wanted it to go.

“You have to come first,” Cas pressed Dean down into the bed and towered over him.  He ran his hands all over the ink on Dean’s chest, then replaced his fingers with his lips enjoying the chest heaving up and down under him. He moved further down and licked the precum soaking his future husband’s lower belly. Dean shuddered and nearly came when he felt a hot tongue lick the underside of his shaft, his hands went down and didn’t grab or pull but gently massaged the head swallowing him down. Cas pulled off and grinned at his soul mate in a way that Dean never thought he would be smiled at again.

Suddenly he felt himself lubed up and Cas gently straddling him and in one swift motion he was inside his lover again. His body sang with rightness, the last broken piece finally flying home for both of them. Cas didn’t move very fast but rather just eased up and down a few times before pulling Dean up and scooting them back so Dean could sit against the headboard. He continued rocking gently and their lips fused.

It was hot and gorgeous and Dean couldn’t remember a moment when he felt more at peace. He ran his hands up and down Cas’s back reverently as they kissed and kissed and their movements went down to nearly nothing as they just settled and Cas rolled his hips around the cock inside him.

“I love you,” Cas whispered as he lost himself in lusty green eyes. “You are so perfect, I love you so much.” He caressed Dean’s face and ran his hands through short hair as he kissed again. This time opening his mouth and bouncing up and down harder.

“Cas, love you,” Dean said between hot kisses as his arms cradled his love, one hand buried in chocolate hair the other spread wide between shoulder blades. “Can’t describe how much I love you,” he kissed harder and harder as Cas really got into the movement arching into Dean’s strong hands.

“Come with me,” he whispered, and Dean felt him start to shudder. He held Cas tighter to him and thrust up himself feeling his own orgasm build as he felt the muscles contract around him.

When Cas took his bottom lip between his teeth and nibbled Dean scratched at his back and with the little pain each gave they came together. They lost themselves in their orgasms and partner’s eyes and the world itself stopped turning for millennia as they froze together.

Dean turned and cradled Cas down and before he could get too sleepy he grabbed a wet towel from the bathroom and cleaned them both up.

“Thank you, my love,” Cas rumbled softly and Dean grinned like a fool as he settled into the bed and wrapped an easy arm around Castiel’s waist.

“Where’s stupid idiot?”

“What?” Cas said sleepily, he turned so he could look at Dean.

“You always called me your stupid idiot, now it’s my love, I don’t mind it.” Dean kissed softly all over Cas’s forehead. “I really like it actually, but I was just wondering.”

“Hm, I didn’t notice it,” Cas thought, “I suppose because you aren’t my stupid idiot.” He kissed the frown between Dean’s eyebrows. “I mean you’re my _love_ all of that single emotion is you. Nothing else, and after getting to know Kevin and being around my _movie star_ brother I’ve realized I have bigger stupid idiots than you.” Dean chuckled.

“Well I can’t argue with that.” So he settled in the bed, pulled the blankets up over both of them and fell asleep next to his complete and utterly satisfied future.


	26. Joy and Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I AM SORRY FOR THE SLURS THAT WILL BE USED IN THIS CHAPTER!! I NEVER USE THEM BUT MY CHARACTER DOES.

“Je t’aime?” Dean called when he came home at two in the morning. “Baby?” After three months Dean still was over the moon at the idea that he had someone to come home to. He had a life other than the garage and learning to cook. He had someone loving him and waiting for him.

Although it would be nice if the person he was coming home to was actually _at_ home. Grumbling Dean looked out and saw a sticky note on the window with a smiley face and a heart drawn on it.

He got a glass of water and had one of those moments of pure clarity where he had to just stand and wonder if this was really his life. Signs of Cas were everywhere. In the paintings that covered all the walls, in the colorful flowers that Cas had lost his mind over when he found out how cheap fresh flowers were at the market. Hell the place even smelled like Cas, and Dean noticed his fiancé had taken down the small painting by the door and put a bulletin board up. Bright pictures of food and articles in French covered the board and Dean couldn’t stop beaming. Now he _had_ to find his artist.

He walked across the rooftop to the connected garret and could hear music playing in the large room. After Cas had won the amateur artist night at the Louvre, and had been selling his art for far higher prices than when they’d been in the states they bought the connecting garret apartment to turn into a studio. Cas had also been able to buy Dean’s original apartment as well which left opportunities open.

Opportunities like Dean and Benny celebrating the opening of their restaurant four weeks ago.

The two chefs had agreed that when the initial full booking died down they would trade nights, but for now Dean had been in the restaurant’s kitchen from three in the afternoon to one or two in the morning. But he couldn’t be happier, he and Benny worked together seamlessly and their food was getting nothing but good reviews in all the restaurant magazines.

Dean stepped through the open window and Cas was easy to find. Over the months he’d been able to fill the large, open room with numerous easels, huge canvases leaned against the wall some half covered, but most white and waiting for inspiration. At one corner Cas had two pottery wheels and a kiln that the artist had punched his future husband every time as Dean had returned to calling it a pottery oven.

But Dean couldn’t complain about anything. Cas had become a sensation with galleries and buyers begging for his work. He had such depth to his work and if anything the pain of losing then the joy of finding Dean had only made his art better.

For a moment Dean could do nothing but lean against the wall and watch his soul mate bent over a pottery wheel with his back to him. The wheel was still new and Cas was “enjoying” the challenges, Dean just enjoyed watching his boyfriend cuss like a sailor when a pot fell apart in his hands.

If it was possible Dean fell harder in love just standing and watching his love. He’d gotten a canvas apron for Cas a while ago but the dude hated the heaviness of it and so they worked a compromise: Dean would forgive his best friend for hating his gift if he got to watch Cas work in the outfit he preferred. And that outfit was lose slung jeans and no shirt.

After two months, under Dean’s steady hand Cas gained all the weight he’d lost. He’d also taken up running, as he complained that if his French lover was going to insist on French food, he was going to have to find a way to stay in shape.

Which meant that Cas’s body had become impossibly beautiful with muscles and Dean couldn’t help but be even more attracted to him than when they first went out. He ran a finger over the tattoo inked on his right forearm seeing a flash of its twin on Cas’s left arm. It had been Dean’s idea to get the tattoos, one wing on their forearms so that when they held hands the wings lined up. He never thought he’d like such a permanent art form, but Cas had got him addicted.

So he stood and watched silently running a finger over the black feathers his lover had designed and watched as said lover worked on a slender bowl. As his hands moved over the clay his back rippled moving the feeble wings on his back. Dean had asked if he wanted to change the tattoo but Cas had shook his head saying that even pain was beautiful. It was a pain that remind him of Dean and that the tattoo had helped him learn more about himself.

When Dean heard a curse again he couldn’t hold back any more. He silently drew up a short stool behind Cas and the dude squeaked when he ran his hands down his clay splattered forearms.

“Having trouble, baby?”

“Why can’t I get this damn fucking piece of shit to work?” Dean chuckled and laughed hard. He wanted to wipe the tears from his eyes but he’d gotten clay all over his fingers.

“You’ll get there je t’aime.” Cas rolled his eyes. Then his face was covered with surprise.

“Shit! You’re here!” he jumped up nearly throwing Dean back and ran to the bathroom in the corner.

“Yeah I’m here, je t’aime, where should I be?” Dean laughed, it was so easy now, it bubbled up and was impossible to contain.

“I mean…” Cas’s voice was muffled when he washed his face and chest, Dean had no idea but the dude got clay and paint _everywhere_. Dean would never forget the time he went down on his lover and found a smear of blue paint on Cas’s groin. “What time is it?”

“Umm, around two am? I lost track around midnight.” Dean rose and went to the bathroom. “You know it would help if you had a _clock_ in here,” he chuckled and was hit in the face with a towel. It was an old argument Dean had offered every time Cas was missing or late that he was going to take away his wall space and install a clock that flashed and beeped and covered half the studio’s walls.

“I lost track, I didn’t mean to!” Cas glared, but it seemed like it was on himself not Dean. He ran over and covered the clay with a plastic bag. “Wait here.” He commanded and Dean just shook his head full of love all over again. But Cas didn’t see he was already out the window and in their apartment. So Dean went and washed up in Cas’s bathroom.

“My love?” Cas called and Dean popped his head out of the bathroom.

“That was quick, you can’t have prepped yourself that fast,” he teased as he walked over. Cas slapped him on the side and Dean grunted. “You know I’m rethinking this whole living together thing, I’m tired of getting abused all the time. How about you move into your studio and I don’t have to show up to work with bruises?” Cas laughed and hit him again. “Ouch! Why do I put up with you?” Cas beamed and turned, pulling his lover in for a kiss. “Oh yeah, that’s why.”

“Not tonight,” Cas sighed as Dean started running his hands under the band of his loose jeans. “Or at least, after,” Dean cocked his head to the side and Cas pulled him into their apartment. “I’m sorry I forgot, but I wanted to surprise you.”

On the bed, neatly laid out, was the grey skirt Dean had worn the first time he’d went out with Cas.

“I, um, don’t know what to say.” Dean said softly. The hand in his squeezed his fingers then let go. Cas went over to the closet and opened it and Dean saw they were all there. Everything that made him feel like him was there, hanging in the closet and also standing next to the open door looking slightly nervous.

“I called Sam and Gabe and they sent the box over. It got here today,” Cas said softly, “I didn’t know if you still wanted them, but I just…” Dean still hadn’t put on a skirt since they’d gotten together. It was still a tiny, niggling doubt that he didn’t deserve the soft fabric that in some way he still needed a bit more atoning until he was ready. Cas walked up to him and held him so he could bury his lover’s face in his neck and whisper in his ear. “I wanted you to see the man I feel in love with. To see that perfect being who makes my soul light and who I want by my side the rest of my life.” He pulled back slightly. “Do you want them?”

Dean nodded. He wanted to be that man, he wanted to be that man for Cas.

“I know we can’t go out on a date as it is past two in the morning, but would you honor me with a dance?” Dean nodded again and Cas smiled at him, blinding him for a moment in pure joy. “You know where to find me,” he breathed in his ear and then was gone.

Dean took a shaky breath and reached out for the soft grey fabric on the bed. He’d forced himself to forget how utterly amazing the skirt felt and how utterly amazing he felt in it. He shimmied his jeans off and pulled the skirt on, sighing at finally feeling _right_.

He eased himself through the window and Cas was there, waiting for him on the roof. He’d played some soft music and Dean didn’t hesitate but ran into his boyfriend’s arms.

“You know you can only do that when you’re in your female form,” Cas laughed as he stumbled backward, “I’m not strong enough to catch your manly man form, my love,” he chided softly but Dean ignored him and swayed around.

They danced slowly, their winged arms tangled between their chests and the other arms around a neck and lower back. Dean rested his head on Cas’s shoulder and felt completely at peace. He knew if he opened his mouth he’d be able to take a bite out of the love he was feeling for the man in his arms, it was that strong.

“Je t’aime,” he said softly.

“My love,” came the reply.

***

“I now pronounce you husband and husband, you may kiss the groom!”

“About damn time!” Gabriel said joyously as everyone laughed. Though he didn’t hear, he was too busy kissing his new husband.

Dean and Cas watched with happiness as the couple shared their moment, but then Cas had to pull at his brother’s shoulder as his tongue made an appearance and the kiss was getting a bit too heated for a church.

“What?” Gabriel looked up and wasn’t bashful at all when he saw everyone laughing and looking. He shrugged and went in for another kiss but Sam stopped them this time. “Rude! You’re going to deny your husband a _kiss_?” he pouted but Sam just stuck out his tongue and laughed. He couldn’t stop smiling, when he picked Dean and Cas up at the airport, when he hugged his brother for the first time in two years, when he told Kevin “no we are not inviting Rowling just because you want to talk with her at the reception”, he couldn’t even stop smiling when got not a word back from their father after he sent him an invite. Nothing could tarnish his grin because he had his love and best friend.

“I finally got a ring on him! He’s mine!” Gabriel jumped into Sam’s arms and hit him in the ass with his bouquet. “This is MY husband everyone! Mine!” They laughed and practically ran out of the church amongst the well-wishers.

Dean slotted his fingers with Cas’s as they walked down the aisle. Cas looked unbearably handsome in his tux and Dean utterly beautiful in his green dress. Dean had worried about being in his male form and how badly he wanted to wear a dress, but what would Gabe and Sam’s guests think?

“Who the fuck cares?” Gabe surprised them all, “If anyone gives you shit send them to me.” Gabe had been polite to Dean when they’d first arrived, polite but detached. But when he saw the change in both Dean and Cas, how neither were exactly like the man they were before the break up, he accepted Dean wholeheartedly.

“I bet you Gabe is going to be saying that all night long,” Cas whispered as they climbed into the limo reserved for the wedding party. Kevin got in behind them followed by a redhead from Sam’s office named Anna.

“I’m not going to take that,” Dean laughed, “We all know he’s going to go on and on all night.”

“Fine, then for every time he says it you owe me a kiss.”

“How is that fair, I’m not betting with you!” Cas shrugged, but never one to pass up an opportunity to kiss his fiancé Dean agreed.

They turned when Kevin and Anna started asking questions about them and their life, answering politely. Dean loved both the new friends, Anna was fun and easy going and he knew that Kevin probably made Gabe’s life hell so he liked the kid.

The reception was a great party and Dean embarrassed his brother to no end when he pulled out a napkin and pen and kept a tally of every time Gabriel reminded someone that Sam was his.

“Seriously do you have to?” as Dean made a seventeenth tally.

“Cas and I have a bet.” Sam groaned and dropped his face in his hands, his bright smile never taking a puncture.

When it was time for the toasts Dean was up to tally number twenty five and Sam looked ready to burn the napkin.

“Ok, um, hello everyone.” Cas stood awkwardly and the room quieted. “Um well I’m Castiel Gabriel’s brother. And I suppose right now is the time to tell you about my brother, but if all of you have been in this room longer than five minutes so I’m sure you have a pretty clear idea of who Gabriel is.” The guests laughed. “And if you have any questions ask Sam, I believe he now belongs to my brother, but I can’t be sure.” The guests roared including Gabriel. “Gabriel,” Cas turned to his brother, “You’ve been my entire family for all my life, and I couldn’t ask for a better role model. You taught me how to be responsible, a good citizen, and how to take care of myself, mainly because I was the one who kept you in line.” The crowd laughed again, “But if I’m being honest, if I were to try and be any man I would be you. I have looked up to you since I was three and the way you move through life so effortlessly and with a grace I hope one day to have.” Cas turned to Sam, “Sam I know that my brother will care for you, he will make a home for you, and he will be sure your days are filled with love and joy. Because that is what my brother is good at.” Cas beamed at them both. “That’s really all I have,” Gabe rose and pulled his little brother in a bear hug and Sam did the same.

Dean took the microphone next and took a deep breath.

“Sammy,” he started and he focused only on his brother. “We’ve been on our own for a long time and I know you always say I’m the one who took care of you growing up, but in truth, you made me a better man. I worked hard to be the best man I could be in your eyes because I knew you wanted to be me, and looking around here now I can tell you without a doubt you are a great man.” He turned to the crowd, “I don’t know if any of you know this,” he looked at Cas, “I don’t even think my fiancé knows this, but Sam was the one who introduced me to the love of my life. I was having a rough time and he took me to,” Dean laughed, “A kissing booth,” the audience laughed with him and Cas tried to bury his face in his hands. “And who happens to be behind the booth,” Dean opened his arms wide at the Novak brothers who were beet red and trying to hide. The guests laughed even harder, “I don’t know what surprised me more, that my future husband stuck his tongue in my mouth _before_ we’d said one word to each other, or that Gabe and Sam’s first kiss was because Gabe didn’t want to be left out!” The audience guffawed and Dean laughed hard. “Then Castiel tried to set me up with Gabriel, and you wanna tell them how that date went?” He looked at Gabe who thunked his head on the table. “Not five minutes into the date he declares his attraction to my brother which I was glad for because all day Sammy had stomped around the apartment mad as a bear, snapping at me all the time!” The audience was truly gone and didn’t notice the new light the newlyweds saw one another in. “But seriously,” Dean calmed, “Sammy you not only introduced me to my soul mate you helped me not be an idiot and make the biggest mistake of my life and I can’t thank you enough for that.” He turned to the crowd, “I can’t think of a better couple than these two right here, Gabriel you’ve taken care of my brother in ways I’ve never been able to and Sammy you’ve followed this nut around for years and you still love him so hold on to that. I love you man,” he grabbed Sam for a hug and the two brothers had their moment.

“I can’t believe you talked about the date,” Gabe laughed as he hugged Dean while the crowd clapped.

“I didn’t know it was Sam’s idea to do the kissing booth,” Cas swayed with Dean during the couple’s dance.

“Uh-huh, I wanted to do the derby and he saw the booth and thought it might be fun.”

“Huh, I thought you would have been the one to pick it you had quite the appetite when we first met.” Dean looked at him in mock shock.

“Me? I was a virgin when we met! You were the one who corrupted me!” Cas huffed.

“What mistake were you talking about?”

“Hmm? Oh I wanted to break up with you after my first change. Let it be two weeks of passionate sex and let you go.” Dean swayed them a few times. “I didn’t want to burden someone with my change so I talked with him and he said I didn’t have to tell you right away, that I could just tell you I was going on vacation and then see where it led.”

“Remind me to hug him later,” Cas said dreamily.

“Ask Gabe’s permission first,” they lost it when they heard “He’s mine!” in the distance of the ballroom.

“What number is that?”

“Thirty-eight.”

“Mmm, we’re going to have a busy night in the hotel.” Dean grinned and leaned in.

“We could start early,” he was about to brush lips when Cas pulled back positively scandalized.

“Dean Winchester! I want those thirty eight kisses to count, and they most certainly cannot be worth anything on a dance floor. I want passion and fire in those kisses.” Dean chuckled.

“So demanding, can I kiss you anyway?”

“That is permitted,” he smiled into the kiss and wrapped his arms around his soul mate.

“Damn six missed calls and two messages, I hope the restaurant didn’t burn down.” Dean stepped away from the high table and moved outside. Anna and Kevin were busy making Gabe’s car look horrendous as he pressed the phone into his ear.

“I’m calling for Dean Winchester? My name is Ellen and I’m John’s next door neighbor. I found your number in John’s desk and I wanted to let you know that your father is in the hospital from a heart attack. The doctors said it was pretty bad and he’s not doing so good. I wanted to tell you he’s at Mercy Hospital in Lawrence, Kansas and if you want to reach me my number is—” Dean’s legs were shaky, he vaguely heard the laughter from Kevin and Anna as they stuck condoms in the windshield wipers.

“Hello my name is Dr. Jones at Mercy Hospital calling for Dean Winchester. I was given this number from Ellen and I’m calling on behalf of John Winchester. There’s no easy way to say this son, your father is not doing well. He may be able to last the week, but I’m not sure. We can keep him comfortable but with the heart attack and lung cancer his body is just shutting down. There is no easy way to put this, son your father is dying and I think you should come home and see him one last time. He’s asking for you.”

Dean snapped the phone shut. He heard Kevin and Anna laugh at something they did to the car but he couldn’t turn and look. He was trembling with a flood of emotions that were moving so fast he didn’t have the chance even to name them. Shame, fear, guilt, anger, rage, loss, terror all streamed through him and he could only move back into the ballroom and stand at the door.

Cas seemed to have a sixth sense that his soul mate needed him because he was there in an instant.

“What’s wrong?”

“John, my father, he’s,” _dying_. He couldn’t say it. Tears choked him and he raged at himself. That bastard didn’t deserve tears but the salt rivers still came.

“Dead? Dean did he die?” Dean shook his head. “Is he about to?” Cas’s tone was gentle and Dean nodded slightly. “Do you want to go see him?” Dean nodded again and shame filled his tears.

“I shouldn’t,” Cas leaned in at the tiny whisper.

“What?”

“I shouldn’t want to go,” came the whimper. Cas sighed and fingered the beautiful green fabric that shimmered gold. It was so much like the one Dean had worn when they were at Cas’s first ever art show.

“You should never deny yourself something you want, my love,” he cupped his partner’s face. “If you want to see him there’s no shame in it.” Dean nodded and sniffed, fresh tears coming up. “Do you want me to tell Sam?” they looked over at the younger Winchester who was laughing at what his husband was saying.

“He’ll want to know, but don’t tell him I’m going, if he knows I’m going he’ll want to go with and I don’t want him coming.” Cas nodded and pressed the Impala’s keys in his hand.

“Why don’t you wait for me at the car, my love?”

“You’re coming?” Cas gave him a look and Dean nodded, of course Cas was coming.

Dean didn’t know what Cas said to Sam and Gabriel but fifteen minutes later they were driving to the airport. Dean found his leather jacket in the back and he hardly noticed the stares as they walked through to their plane.

One hour later they were in Kansas and forty five minutes after that they were standing outside the hospital doors.

“Are you ready, my love?” Cas held his hand tightly and Dean nodded. Cas pulled him for a moment into an embrace and they stood outside the hospital just holding one another.

“Ok, je t’aime, I’m ready,” Dean pulled back and he held tightly on to Cas’s hand as they walked through the doors.

The first person they met was Dr. Jones. He was an older man and he stared critically and Cas wanted to punch the doctor so hard he’d forget all his medical training when Dean shifted uncomfortably under his gaze and Cas could tell he was feeling the beginnings of shame. He could see Dean wished he had changed at the wedding, or at least wished he’d worn a tux like Cas had.

“You’re Dean Winchester?” Dean nodded.

“Sorry we didn’t get a chance to change we just came from my brother’s wedding.”

“I see, did your brother come as well?” Dean shook his head and the doctor cleared his throat. Perhaps he caught the glare Cas was openly giving him, or he saw a clenched fist but his manner changed to the professional.

“Your father suffered a major heart attack, I mentioned on the phone that he had lung cancer, and this was probably the cause. He’s been sick for a long time and this is finally just his time.” When he saw the fresh tears in Dean’s eyes his expression softened. “I’m sorry son, he’s a sick old man and it’s just his time.” Dean nodded. “Would you like to see him?” Dean huffed and shut down.

“Yes, please,” Cas took over and he led Dean gently after the doctor.

“Ok, are you ready?” Cas was patient and kind, and he kissed Dean’s palm when his fiancé nodded.

The man in the hospital bed looked nothing like his father. Dean remembered the man as being a giant there was no way this thin being in the hospital could have beaten the shit out of him and Sam. The tubes in his arm looked like they would go straight through the bony twig. He looked ashen and his eyes were dark, his breathing was ragged under the mask covering his mouth.

“That’s not,” Dean whispered and Cas just stood by his side. “How could…” He moved into the room, his beautiful, sparkling dress looking limp under the harsh lights. He settled himself in the uncomfortable chair and Cas sat next to him. He moved so he was within reach and Dean smiled tiredly at him.

“Thank you, je t’aime, will you marry me?” Cas matched his smile.

“Of course, my love, of course.”

***

Sometime in the night Cas shifted the chairs so Dean could lay somewhat across them and rest on his shoulder and fall asleep.

“Would you like some breakfast?” Cas nosed his soul mate and Dean nodded.

“Yeah, but not that cafeteria shit. Do you mind going to McDonalds?”

“Of course, anything special you want?” Dean leaned and kissed him softly.

“Just you,” Cas smiled and pressed their foreheads together. He’d undone his bowtie and unbuttoned the top few buttons of his tux and looked impossibly beautiful. “I love you,” Dean whispered and Cas kissed him again.

“Love you too, my darling.” Dean settled back into the chair and watched his father breathe in and out.

The machines beeping and the breathing machine gently hissing in and out lulled Dean into a doze and he only woke when he heard shifting on the bed.

“Dad?” He moved closer to the bed as John’s brown eyes fluttered open. His eyes did a once over and Dean shifted in his evening dress. A weak hand pulled the mask down.

“What the fuck are you wearing?” He wheezed. “I raised you better than that I’m disappointed in you.” Dean sighed and gently pushed the mask back up.

“Nice to see you too dad,” John tried to speak but he started coughing and Dean pressed the mask in harder. “I know what you want to say, but before you yell at me and call me a piece of shit, get your breathing under control.” John glared but breathed in the medicine and relaxed.

They waited for him to be quiet and John seemed content just glaring at his son. A nurse came in and changed his mask for a breathing tube and John was finally able to let his words out.

“Are you wearing makeup? Fucking _makeup_?” Dean brushed at the soft gold on his eyelids. He’d tried makeup in his female form on special occasions, when he first took Cas up on the Eiffel Tower, their anniversary when Dean took them to the river and rented a boat, on the Tuesday the restaurant opened. So when Cas suggested some soft gold and a light brown eyeliner Dean decided to try it. And when his fiancé said he was the hottest thing he’d ever seen and kissed him to prove it, Dean thought the makeup might be a good idea.

It also helped that Cas took out a charcoal eyeliner and did his own eyes too.

“Yes, sir,” Dean played with the sleeves of his jacket. “I’m wearing an evening gown too, you want to yell about that?” John glared.

“Is this some kind of special attire all you faggots go around in?”

“Only on special occasions, I usually go around in skirts or jeans.” His father looked like he had shit under his nose.

“And what kind of special occasion would that be? You gays get together and make fools of yourselves?”

“Your son’s wedding actually.” John looked down and saw the ring on Dean’s hand.

“Yours?” He asked gruffly.

“Your other son’s,” Dean didn’t want to give his father the information, he could stand the disgust directed at him but he didn’t want to see it towards Sammy. He was surprised actually when John’s eyes almost lit with happiness, at least with hope. There was no hope for the crossdressing freak but maybe for Sam. Maybe, just maybe, John had succeeded in beating the gay out.

“Really, what’s her name?”

“Gabe,” Dean crossed his arms. “Gabriel.”

“Is she a spic?” Dean felt like he was going to throw up.

“ _He’s_ an author, he’s had seven bestsellers and they recently made one of his books into a movie. There’re rumors they might make the new one into a movie too.” But it didn’t work. Dean could have said that Gabriel was the president, or richer than Bill Gates, because he had a penis he was worthless in John’s eyes.

“Fuck, I thought I knocked that boy straight.” He shifted in the bed and grimaced. “I can do it myself, boy.” He snapped when Dean moved to help. “So where’d you get the dress, faggot store?”

“I think he looks gorgeous,” Cas had returned and he set the McDonalds bag on the chair next to Dean’s gently. He leaned down and kissed his fiancé’s temple staring steadily at John the entire time. “Castiel Novak, your future son in law.” He held his hand out but John batted it away.

“You sure know how to pick them,” he said venomously, Dean was on his feet in an instant.

“You can say anything about me, you can call me a faggot, a disappointment, gay, you can wish you had properly beat the gay out of me, but you will not, I repeat _will not_ speak in that way to him. He is perfect and he has put up with more than you would ever imagine and if you speak in that tone again I will leave your ass here to die in this empty room.” They all were deathly silent. “Am I clear?”

“Are you wearing makeup too?” John turned, completely ignoring his son, “This something you faggots do normally? Does Sammy and this _Gabriel_ wear that shit too?”

Dean, true to his word rose and left the room. He was down the hall and nearly at the front doors when Cas caught up with him.

“I don’t mind,” he said softly when Dean huffed down in a park bench. “It’s ok, I don’t mind.”

“Yeah but I _do_.” Dean rested his head on his fiancé’s shoulder. “I can take anything, I’ve put up with it for years, but I can’t stand it if he got into you. There’s just so much hatred there. I can’t stand it if he hurts you.” Cas laughed softly.

“The only person to hurt me would be you, as long as you are there to hold my hand I’ll be safe and happy.” Dean nodded, but still didn’t look convinced. “Eat your breakfast,” Cas commanded and held the white bag out to him.

“You’re too good for me, marry me?”

“Absolutely, my love, absolutely.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah those wedding speeches were tricky! Sorry about the slurs, but John just really struck me (at least this John that I created) as the type of person not just homophobic but racist as well. Thanks for reading, and if I made you uncomfortable I'm very sorry!


	27. The End

John lasted four days. Dean never left his side, after Cas calmed him he returned and he endured taunts and words and hate for four days. Cas left only a few times, to buy clothes (jeans and tee-shirt for him and a skirt and shirt for his love) and get food really. Dean wouldn’t eat the cafeteria food, but really it was just an excuse to get Cas to leave so he didn’t have to hear all the rage John directed at his son.

On the second to last day Cas had some of the early wedding pictures and he borrowed a laptop and showed John, hoping he would change his mind when he saw how happy his youngest son was.

“What is this shit?” John pulled a familiar face. He started to cough and Cas gently took a pink cup and held it so John could drink through the straw. The sick man glared at him but accepted the help. By the first afternoon the man realized he needed help, though he didn’t like it and he bitched about it constantly. After two days in a bad chair Cas had forced Dean to take a nap in the rental car so it was just Castiel and his _dear_ father in law.

“This shit is your son’s wedding, I’m only sorry you won’t live to see your other son’s.”  John scoffed, “I know you don’t give a fuck but I’m going to take care of your son. I love Dean and I will never hurt him.”

“Why the hell are you telling me this?” John glared.

“I don’t know,” Cas sank down in the chair and laughed hollowly. “Honestly, you’re the vilest person I’ve ever met, if you weren’t dying I’d beat the shit out of you for hurting my soul mate and my good friend Sam. But I love your son and I wanted you to know, even if you didn’t care.” The room stayed silent for a long time except for the machines beeping.

“You’re wrong.” It was getting harder and harder for John to speak but he looked at Cas with a spark of respect. “I do care about my sons. I may not have,” he paused getting medicine in through his breathing tube. “I don’t like that he chose a man, that he chose to be gay,” he breathed hard. “I’m glad you will take care of him.”

Cas rose to help with the water.

“Don’t think that means I forgive you for encouraging my son to be a cross dressing, makeup wearing freak of a faggot.” Cas rolled his eyes it was too good to last.

“I wonder does your meds turn you into an asshole or is it just enhancing what a giant douche you are?” John chuckled lightly.

“I like you when you’re mean,” John settled on his pillows. “You just usually sit there and let Dean take it all. That what kind of, what you faggots call it, _partner_ you are? You just let my son take on all the pain? All the mean words?” Cas knew he was being goaded so he just breathed hard and glared.

“You know it makes me truly amazed that two men as astoundingly awesome as Sam and Dean came from you. It’s like finding diamonds in pond scum. You know something we never told you? Sam married my brother, my brother who is a multi-millionaire. My brother who would, if you were healthy, give you five hundred thousand dollars just because you’re Sam’s father. My brother who is now giving up his honeymoon in case you die and his husband wants to come to your funeral.” Cas crossed his arms.

“Great more faggots.” Cas glared.

“I have a new idea, no more talking or else I’m going to go to the nurse’s station and tell them you’re having trouble breathing.” Cas put on a fake terrified voice, "Can you please help me, my _poor father in law_ is wheezing so bad, I’m so afraid for him, he’s in _so much pain_ ,” his tone turned black, “And they’ll load you up with so many drugs that hopefully you’ll be knocked out until you die.”

“Faggot’s got balls,” John whispered and Cas got up and went to the nurse’s station.

At the end, mostly because of the crocodile tears Cas had shed with the nurses, John was so diluted with medication it was hard to tell if he understood things, if he was aware, he mostly just slept. At the end Cas called Sam and told him it wasn’t going to be long.

He and Gabe arrived two hours later.

When his breathing was labored they all knew it was time.

“I forgive you,” Dean said softly and everyone looked over in shock. Dean leaned in so he could be next to his father’s ear, “For all the shit you pulled on us I forgive you, and this is the second hardest thing I’ve done in my life. And after I forgive you I’m never going to think about you again.”

John died a few minutes later.

Amid the flurry of activity around the beeping machines and removal of the body, Dean hugged his brother and then Cas held his soul mate from behind. The four gave one another as much comfort they could and Gabe surprised them all by hugging Dean when Cas wrapped his arms around Sam.

“I just wanted to tell him,” Dean said quietly as they undressed for the night. They had driven to some motel and Cas had led him to a room. “It seemed so important that he knew I forgave him.”

“Of course, my love, it was good you told him.” Cas went over and held on to his half naked fiancé.

“I doubt he even heard me,” Dean mumbled into Cas’s skin.

“It doesn’t matter, it was for you,” Cas whispered as he kissed over Dean’s skin. The room was dark and their shadows were gentle as were their touches.  Cas caressed his boyfriend and kissed his way up to Dean’s mouth. “He didn’t need to hear it, you needed to say it. Second hardest thing?”

“Leaving you,” Dean whispered and they sank their mouths home. Dean pulled them towards the bed, “Make love to me, take me apart and put me together. Remind me how important I am to you.” He broke away and looked as fiercely as he could in the semi darkness. “Make love with me,” he pleaded.

“Yes, Dean Winchester, it would be my honor.”

He started them off slowly just kissing all over and Dean followed everything his soul mate wanted. It felt nice just to let go of everything and just be. He was totally in the moment and he was free to just be Dean Winchester.

They stood forever next to the bed, the darkness of the room comforting them like the melted chocolate Dean poured over his desserts. Cas had no hurry in any of his movements, his hands strayed slowly over every centimeter of his future husband’s muscles and when he hooked his thumbs in the waistband of Dean’s skirt his partner was completely relaxed. He led his soul mate to the bed and sat the naked man down and moved back so he could slowly start to strip.

Dean looked on hungrily as Cas’s body emerged from clothes and the brunet noticed. He was slower in the removal of his clothes and when he was just in his boxers he stood in front of his fiancé. He led Dean’s hands on his chest and stomach letting them roam as his had done.

“Look at what you’ve done to me,” he whispered and Dean looked in confusion, “I was so sick and skinny when we met in Paris, I’m healthy and I don’t think I’ve ever been happier in my entire life.” Dean sighed and started to cry softly which he tried to hide. Cas bent down so he could cup his lover’s face and push their foreheads together. “Hey, don’t hide that my love, it’s ok I’ve got you.”

Dean cried harder and hardly noticed when Cas lost his boxers, pulled them away to get the covers undone and laid them out flat on the bed. He threw the warm blankets on them and curled Dean into his chest and threw one of his legs around his love’s hip so they could lie tight in one another on their sides.

“Shhh,” Cas pet his hair and Dean sobbed into him. “I love you Dean Winchester, remember that.” Dean nodded but his sobs increased and he started to panic.

“He’s right,” he kept panting over and over, “I’m a faggot freak, I’m a cross dressing freak,” he was shaking and Cas used all his strength to hold him tighter. “I like sex with men, I like a cock in my ass, I’m nothing but a freak of nature and I deserve to die. I’m nothing.” Cas held him hard and cried silent tears as his boyfriend raged. He could do nothing because Dean was so far into his panic and rant that he couldn’t hear anything Cas would say.

After an hour or three Dean finally calmed and quieted. He was in a dark place and every time he felt a naked man’s body pressed to him he went further into himself. He hated himself more than ever because his mind would remind him it was _Cas’s_ naked body and he felt like throwing up that he wanted to pull away from his soul mate. So he was stuck, he wanted to be as far away from his boyfriend as possible. He wanted to go to a bar, get blind drunk and fuck whatever woman opened her legs to him.

But then he wanted Cas. He wanted his soul mate. He wanted those fingers gently rubbing circles into his scalp to never stop, to grip his hips in orgasm, to brush across his back. He wanted the lips that were murmuring praises and love to be on his, kissing him into sweet, sweet oblivion.

His father was right, he was nothing but a freak of a faggot.

“I’m sorry,” he pushed away slightly but Cas’s arms wouldn’t allow it. He was too emotionally drained to fight. “I can’t do this.”

“I don’t accept.” Came a deep rumble and Dean looked up, shocked.

“You can’t want me, I’m giving you a chance Cas. I’m totally worthless, I have nothing, I _am_ nothing. I’m only going to bring you pain and you’ll hate me in the end.”

“Mmm, no.” Cas shook his head. “Not gonna happen Winchester. And as for worthless you are worth more to me than anything in the world. I’d gladly stop painting for you. And if you’re nothing, then I need a whole lot of nothing in my life.”

“But…”

“But what? You aren’t the man your father wanted? Well I’m supremely happy at that.”

“But I’m a fag.”

“Yeah,” Cas looked at him like he was dumb. “So am I.” Dean looked in shock, how could Cas just firmly accept being… _that_? That word had been thrown around since he was seven, he learned very early on better to be dead than a fag. Cas cupped his boyfriend’s face, “If being a fag means I get to be with you, love you, make love to you, spend my days being kissed by you, and nights sleeping in your arms, then I’m the biggest faggot on planet earth.” He was brightened by the tiny smile on Dean’s lips, “Yes, they’ll sell tickets to see me, make nature documentaries about me. Come and see the World’s Biggest Faggot.” Dean laughed a bit.

“You can’t mean that.”

“Of course I can, Dean it’s not a pleasant word and it’s got a lot of bad feelings with it. But I can stand proudly and say that I am a faggot because it means I’ve overcome that hatred. I’ve accepted what John called me because that hatred is meaningless. If you don’t give power to the hatred the word is meaningless.”

“It’s just a word…” Dean said slowly.

“It’s just a word. Six letters, two syllables, that’s all. He was a sick man, Dean, and I’m not talking about the cancer. Once you accept that and realize the world’s opinion doesn’t start and end with John Winchester than you’ll be happy.” Dean nodded and pressed himself back in his best friend’s arms.

“I’m sorry we can’t make love tonight.” He whispered to the warm, comforting skin.

“That’s fine, my love, I’m too tired anyway.” They rested in silence and Dean was comforted into sleep focusing only on Cas’s heartbeat and even breaths.

***

Cas circled his tongue around Dean’s rim and pushed in loving the moans and the sight of his lover clenching the sheets. He pulled at his lover’s hips and Dean was flat on his chest, yet on his knees so his ass was presented beautifully.

“I love you,” Cas murmured to the fluttering flesh as he sank his tongue back in with another finger.

“Caaasss,” Dean’s ragged pants kept the man alive and he could easily live on those moans alone. He licked all over inside the silky flesh and grunted when Dean clenched around him. He slipped another finger in so Dean was thrusting himself back on a sinful tongue and three digits.

“Cas, baby, please, je t’aime I’m ready, please.” Normally Cas would tease out as long as possible, but as John died yesterday and he could still see the tear lines on his soul mate’s face, he was going to give his lover whatever he wanted. He eased his body up Dean’s, lapping at every centimeter as if Dean’s skin and sweat were made of the elixir of life.

“I love you,” he grabbed himself and guided in. Dean’s ass was still presented high in the air and Cas just let his boyfriend choose the position and Dean seemed more than happy to have his ass high and his chest flat on the bed.

The brunet started at an easy rhythm, he moved and circled his hips slowly and Dean just sighed under him. Cas moved so his face could be right near his lover’s ear and he could whisper constant praise. He took both of Dean’s hands in his own and raised them up above both of their heads.

He started moving faster when Dean groaned out but Cas could tell there was a shift in his soul mate. Dean’s breath hitched and he started panting heavily. Cas thrust harder misreading his soul mate’s pants until a ragged groan called out.

“Stop, stop, Cas I can’t.”

Castiel pulled away instantly and sat back on his heels. He rubbed Dean’s back and the man rolled on the bed away from him.

“I’m sorry,” Dean sobbed and Cas was there rubbing his face.

“What, my love, what are you sorry about?”

“I like this too much.” Cas smirked slightly.

“That’s the point, my darling,” he kissed Dean’s face. The man tried to push him away but he really didn’t want to. “Why is it bad to like this?” He tilted his head and Dean looked up at him.

“I guess because my father…” Cas said nothing and let Dean work it through. “But then my father was wrong, and I know that but I just can’t get it out of my head.” He pushed his nose into Cas’s neck, “After I left when I was eighteen I stopped sleeping with men for a long time. I knew I didn’t care what he thought, but it still matters because he’s my dad, right? Your dad can turn out to be a total asshole but his opinion still matters. And I guess I just couldn’t let that go, because…he’s my dad.”  Cas nodded.

“He means a lot to you, I can understand,” Dean’s entire being relaxed.

“I thought you would be hurt that I’m listening to him.”

“No,” Cas said slowly. “I can understand why you feel the way you do. He has an influence on you.” Cas tugged at Dean’s hair and made the other man meet his eyes. “But I love you. And you love me. I think I have some pretty damn good influence on you. Do you care about my thoughts?” Dean nodded violently. “Well then I think you’re perfect. And I know it’s harder to believe because the bad stuff is easier to accept about yourself, but I think you’re astounding. I’m in complete awe of you. I can’t live without you Dean Winchester, I tried for two years and I almost died. I love you.” He said fiercely. Dean was startled into silence. “Are you going to let me show you?” Dean nodded slightly and Cas moved him to his stomach.

He eased back in and started back at the medium pace and Dean went back to nearly hyperventilating. Cas continued to move in and out of his boyfriend but lifted them so they were on their knees and he brought his arms around Dean’s chest. His wing tattoo flashed and he grabbed his boyfriend’s matching arm.

“Look,” he panted, “Look at our tattoos, look how beautiful they are.” Really they weren’t beautiful, they were upside down, they weren’t lined up, but they were together. “Look how they are together,” Dean did as commanded and looked at the wings flush against his stomach. “They aren’t perfect,” Cas panted, “But they love one another, they are in awe of one another.” He thrust hard and Dean fell to his hands on his knees.

Cas took his hand away to steady their hips and started pounding hard. Dean cried out but this time it was in pleasure. Cas was able to reach down and tweak dark nipples, roll some balls between his fingers and mouth at a neck. Dean forgot everything his father ever said to him and just lost himself in being with his boyfriend. He lost himself in everything Cas was doing in him and for him.

“Come on Dean, I’ve got you,” Cas encouraged in his ear as his chest swallowed Dean’s sweaty back.

He came hard on the sheets with Cas’s hand on him coaxing him through it and hardly noticed when Cas came inside him.

“I love you,” Dean said softly after they’d caught their breath, after Cas pulled them up, after they showered quietly with Cas rubbing soft circles of soap into his skin. He said it after they’d dried and toweled off and got into the other bed, after Cas wrapped his arms around Dean and hid the man from the world.

“I love you too.”

***

They woke two days later to a soft knock on the door. The hotel they’d been staying at had room service and Cas went at Dean’s pace. And that pace had been bed, sleep, sex three times, and food only when necessary. The brunet had texted his brother often and it seemed Sam was in a constant fuck phase. So the Novaks were busy helping the Winchesters heal.

“Hey Gabe,” Cas was in a soft tee-shirt and boxers, he rubbed his eyes, it had to have been about five in the morning.

“Hey Cassie, how’s Dean?”

“Fine, well better, how’s married life?” Cas smirked, he could easily see at least five hickies on Gabriel’s neck alone, and he was sure if he saw his brother shirtless the author would look like an extra off of _101 Dalmatians_. Not that he really wanted to see his brother shirtless, ew.

“It’s good, well they say you have a lot of sex…” Gabe got wistful and Cas hit him. “But I am not here to discuss the merits of married life. The, uh, funeral home called.” Cas sighed, “They want to know what our plan is for the funeral. I was all for chucking the bastard into a garbage can and that’s it but they didn’t like that idea.”

“You seriously asked that?”

“Hell yeah! Have you seen Sam’s back?” Cas thought for a second, the amount of pain he was undoing right now with Dean…yeah he wouldn’t mind the funeral being of the dumpster variety. “But they said it wasn’t legal so we have to decide.”

“Can we donate his body to science? The study of the ultimate asshole?” Cas meant it as a joke but Gabe looked like he was seriously considering it. “No, Gabe! No. Just…ask if they can cremate the body and not save the ashes.” His brother looked doubtful. “Tell them we’ll just flush the ashes down the toilet or drop the baggie in the sewer if we get them.” That brought a sparkle to his brother’s eyes.

“Good thinking baby bro, you’re turning out ok.” Gabe pulled him into a hard hug and when he pulled back his face was unusually serious. “I don’t know if I’ve ever told you this, maybe I don’t tell you enough, but I’m proud of you. You are an amazing man.” Cas rolled his eyes.

“Ok Jude Deveraux.”

“I’m serious! I’m really glad you found Dean again, when…those two years you were alone… I’m your older brother, I’m supposed to take care of you and when the hospital…” Cas placed a hand on his shoulder. They never talked about Cas’s overdose.

“Hey, it’s ok, we’re all insanely happy and we’re all going to live happily ever after and it’s going to be amazing. Have you thought about Paris?” Gabe looked up in surprise. “Think about it, you could write on the river bank and Sam could easily get a job being an expert in American law. I should get back,” he heard Dean shifting in the room, “Think about it?”

“Yeah, baby bro, I will.”

“What was that?” Dean asked when Cas was back to spooning him.

“Gabriel,” Cas yawned, “The funeral home called. Don’t worry,” he said quickly as Dean made to get up. “We took care of it.”

“So no funeral?” Dean was still in his arms.

“No, not unless you want one, I can call Gabe back.”

“No,” Dean relaxed. “It’s finally time to forget all that.” Cas smiled into the neck in front of him and kissed it softly. He rubbed Dean’s stomach under his shirt and they were content just to _be_ in one another’s arms.

They stayed soft and quiet for a long time, lazily tracing lines on whatever skin their fingers found. Every so often Dean would turn his head, or Cas would lean up and they would kiss and it was perfect.

“Cas?” It was around nine in the morning, the first word Dean had said since Gabe’s visit. Castiel was hoping the rest of the words were can we get food, because he was hungry.

“Hmmm?”

“Will you marry me?”

“Of course, my love,” he kissed a shoulder.

“No,” Dean turned and they re-tangled limbs together. “I mean will you marry me…now?” Cas’s eyes went wide and he could hardly breathe.

“Like _now,_ now?” Dean nodded slowly. Cas was breathless, all the oxygen had been sucked out of him completely and his lungs couldn’t remember how to take air in. “Yes,” he was joyous and started to cry softly, “Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,” they rolled on the bed in utter bliss.

“Good,” Dean laughed. It was his first honest laugh and smile in days. “Let’s go to the courthouse and get this done.”

“What about…Vegas?” that stopped the green eyes. “We could ask Sam and Gabe and just fly out there and see the lights and have fun and get married.” Dean nodded. It sounded fun, they had never really vacationed together and this would be fun.

“Ok, future husband,” he beamed.

“Ok, future husband,” Cas giggled like a fool. Which meant Dean just _had_ to kiss him.

“Hey, hey,” Cas was kissed again, “Hey,” he was nearly halfway off the bed, if he moved farther only to be pulled back again he would fall. “Hey come on I have to talk to Gabe, if you want to be married today that is.” This time he sank back into the warm bed, warm arms, and warm kiss. They both were drunk on happiness and for the life of them they couldn’t stop smiling.

“Go,” Dean laughed, “I’m gonna shower,” he laughed harder at the adorable pout and Cas looking wistfully at the bathroom door. “Think of it this way,” he sat up and kissed all over the side of his fiancé’s face. “It’s my last shower as a single man,” a wide grin that threatened to break Cas’s face in half split open. It was made of sunshine and Dean basked in its warmth. Castiel tried to lean in for another kiss but Dean stopped him. “Leave!” he laughed. “Get it all sorted and marry me.” Cas giggled as he walked out the door and he couldn’t stop smiling as he walked down the hallway. Seriously nothing was going to puncture that thing.

“Hey Sam,” Cas was able to smile a little more soberly when the younger Winchester opened the door. He was dressed only in boxers and he also looked like he could star in that Disney movie about spotted dogs. “How’re you feeling?”

“Fine, Cas, what’s up? How’s Dean?”

“He’s good, um, I need to talk to both of you actually.”

“Ok,” Sam turned his head, “Gabriel put some pants on!” He laughed at the white color of Cas’s face. “I’m just kidding, we were about to come find you guys and see about checking out.” Cas nodded and followed Sam in the room his eyes downcast.

“Cassie, I’m fully dressed!” Cas chanced a glance and yes indeed his brother was, _thankfully_ , fully covered. “So what’s up?”

“Dean and I were wondering if you wouldn’t mind changing your honeymoon… We, um, we wanted to go to Vegas and get married, and we want you there.” Cas said all this to his shoes, he was nervous. What if Sam said no to marrying his brother? What if Gabe said it wasn’t a good idea since they were so obviously still reeling from John’s death?

What he didn’t expect was to be brought down to the ground when two men rushed to hug him.

Sam pulled him up laughing and looking as happy as he was at his wedding. He shook Cas’s hand over and over again to congratulate him and Gabe hugged him hard.

“I’m so proud of you baby bro.” He hugged him one more time and left the room saying something about taking care of the other groom.

“Wow,” Sam pulled his pants on and slid a shirt on. “You and my brother, finally after what? Three years since you proposed?”

“Nearly,” Cas sat on the bed. “I can’t stop smiling,” he laughed and Sam joined him.

“I know, just wait till after you’re married. Every time you remember that you’re married to _him_ …” his smiled lessened slightly.

“Hey,” Cas rubbed his shoulder, “Just because you got interrupted doesn’t mean you’re not married…” Sam’s grin was huge.

“I hope you feel the same way about my brother as I do Gabe, because this is the greatest feeling in the world.” Cas smiled.

“Yeah, it’s like a scary good, like I can’t believe this is happening to me. That I get to be this happy and in a few hours we’ll be married.” He felt woozy with joy.

“Yeah, hey Cas,” the man looked in question, “Gabe talked to me about Paris… I think it’d be a good idea.” He said slowly. “I mean I just got Dean back, and I can’t ask him to move here since the restaurant opened, and you have your art…but I want to be a lawyer, I worked so hard and I know we don’t need the money because Gabe can take care of us…but…will there be a job for me?”

“I’m sure we can find something. I know a lot of people, you could work for an international company that does business with America. Then you could be with a team of lawyers rather than a firm where everyone is so competitive.” Sam nodded. “You want me just to discreetly look around?” Sam nodded firmly.

“Yeah Cas, that’d be great.” He looked at the clock, “We should go find my husband and get you hitched.” Cas’s heart fluttered and he rose too quickly. Sam laughed when the man swayed but his smile never faltered.

They found Gabriel and Dean in the lobby. Cas’s brother was chatting away on the phone and Dean smiled shyly at his fiancé.

“You really want to do this?” Cas nodded until he thought his head was going to fall off.

“I’ve never wanted anything more in my life.” Dean blushed and beamed and handed him the writing pad from their hotel room.

“I thought once we get married we should get another matching tattoo. You could design it again.” Cas nodded.

“Ok,” he smiled and they both kept blushing.

“Stop smiling,” Dean teased.

“You first,” Cas hit him and they both laughed and were completely with one another.

“Stop it!” Gabe hung up his phone and whacked both of them. “Ok I got us four tickets on the next flight out, two hotel rooms, and my secretary is filling out all your paperwork to get you registered to be married.” Cas took some calming breaths, “You ok Cassie?”

“Yeah,” Cas breathed again, “I just never thought it’d happen, and now you said paperwork and it’s all,” he started to giggle and Dean joined in. They were roaring and unable to contain themselves so Gabe just talked over them.

“We’ll be in Vegas two days and then I got us tickets on a flight to take us to Paris. Sam and I will finish our honeymoon and get to eat at Dean’s restaurant that I’ve heard my brother mention fifty or seventy times.” He and his husband watched as their brothers calmed down and wiped tears from their eyes.

“Paperwork.”  Gabe said again with a straight face and the couple was in riots.

“Was that necessary?” Sam chided as they both led the soon to be newlyweds out to the rental car.

“Nope, but really funny,” Sam gave his husband a quick kiss and they drove to the airport. If Sam admitted it, which he did to his husband, it was kind of funny to watch; every time Cas and Dean settled down and were quiet Gabe would turn and say “Paperwork,” and they’d be off again.

“Gabriel stop it, let them breathe!” Sam said when they were coming up to the terminal, the couple looked at Sam in thanks. They were about to hand their tickets off and board the plane, and Sam patted his pockets, “I wonder if there’s going to be any _paperwork_ we’ll need to fill out.” The three men laughed, though Dean glared the joke was wearing thin. But then he would look at Cas and his smile returned.

“Sorry Dean, I’m just getting you back for the napkin.” Sam chuckled and hit his brother on the shoulder. They entered the plane and Gabe jogged to keep up with his moose of a husband.

“What napkin?”

“Oh, he and Cas had a dumb bet going on at our reception. Something about how many times you said I was yours.” Gabe laughed and Cas tilted his head.

“What did the number get to?” He asked Dean.

“Forty seven,” Gabe surprised them. “What? I had a bet with Sam that you two would keep count.” The couple rolled their eyes and Gabe and Sam kissed.

“Mine,” Sam said.

“Yours,” Gabe returned. Cas’s head tilted again. He had an idea.

***

“No!” Gabe had to physically tear Dean and Cas apart. “Dean-o you’re coming with me and Cassie you’re going with Sammy. I don’t want to argue!” he yelled. “I am the oldest person here and I will decide how this gets done. Cas Sam, you’re gonna go find a chapel and not that drive through shit or an old, fat Elvis impersonator. Dean, you and I are going to check us into the hotel.” He crossed his arms firmly and all of them could only nod.

However once Dean sadly had to watch the love of his life walk away Gabriel surprised him.

“I lied,” he winked conspiratorially, “We’re not gonna go check in.” Dean raised his eyebrows. “I’m not having my brother-in-law getting married in a tee-shirt and dress he got from _Walmart_.” Green eyes widened. “Don’t worry, Sam’s gonna do the same. We talked on the plane, he’s gonna get Cas in his tux, but Cassie’s gonna think you’ll be in that green dress you wore for our wedding.”

“And I’m not?”

“Hell no!”

                                                                                                    ***

Cas was nervous.

There was no way around it. He and Sam found a chapel and after Sam insisted he change into his tux, Sam still had his from the wedding, they just sat and waited. Sam had to look and smile at the ball of nerves sitting next to him. Cas fiddled with his cuff links, wiggled his foot, checked his watch every seven seconds.

“They should be here,” he muttered.

“Gabe said the hotel was on the other side of the strip, and he just texted saying traffic was terrible. They’ll be here in fifteen minutes.” Now Gabe had just texted but it sure as hell wasn’t about traffic. A florist was going to drop off a bouquet and boutonniere and Sam had to watch the door.

“Hey Cas, you, uh, you need some flowers.” He went and out of the small chapel (it was a slow day and the fifty Sam slipped the attendant made sure they could wait inside the chapel rather than the waiting room and have the surprise be ruined). He paid for the flowers, gave another twenty to the attendant to leave the bouquet lying around as if it was a prop for anyone.

“Here,” he pinned the white orchid on to Cas’s lapel and the groom looked down studying the flower. He started to paint it in his mind and it was enough to distract him long enough for Gabe and Dean to get there.

“Cas, stand here,” Sam pulled him on his feet and directed the man, “You can see the parking lot from here and you’ll be able to see when they arrive.” Cas looked eagerly, but when the chapel doors opened he forgot words.

Dean was in a white dress, simple like him, but so beautiful Cas had to pinch himself to make sure it wasn’t a dream. The top was draped and the A-line skirt was made of chiffon so when Dean walked up to him it moved like silky water. He was holding a matching bouquet and Cas noticed he was wearing soft gold eyeliner.

“Holy shit,” he whispered when Dean made his way up and stood next to him. It was the same way Dean felt.

When he walked into the chapel and Gabe found a bouquet for him to hold he was nervous.  He had to take a few calming breaths, this was really going to happen, he was about to marry his best friend. Then the doors opened and Cas was there looking impossibly beautiful standing at the altar as if it was the only place in the world he wanted to be.

He smiled at Cas’s curse and they held hands. The officiant said something and Dean didn’t care what it was until it came time for the I do’s.

“And do you promise to take care of Castiel in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do you part?”

“I do!” Dean said loud enough the attendant from the lobby looked up. Everyone laughed lightly. The officiant repeated the question to Castiel who never let his eyes stray from Dean’s.

“Fuck yes I do!” Cas sank his lips down and kissed Dean hard. They whined when two pairs of hands grabbed each shoulder and the officiant laughed.

“Now by the power vested in me by the state of Nevada I now pronounce you husband and husband. Castiel you may kiss Dean, Dean you may kiss Castiel.” He barely got through the sentence before the couple were kissing as if it were the first time. Dean brought Cas flush with him and Cas held his soul mate’s face tenderly. When their tongues started to push against lips Gabe pulled them apart.

“What?” Dean said indignantly, “You used tongue when you got married, and that was in a _church_.” They all laughed, thanked the officiant and grabbed Cas and Dean’s elbows so they could at least walk out of the church.

Sam insisted on pictures outside the chapel so Cas dipped his husband back and they kissed. Their smiles were intensified and they felt like they would explode from the sheer joy running through them. Sam took a few more pictures of them on the strip being goofy, being romantic, being _together_. He got a good one when the couple forgot they were being watched and Dean wrapped his arms around Cas’s waist and pressed their foreheads together.

They went to the tattoo parlor after that. Cas had an insanely simple tattoo designed but it was Dean’s favorite by far. On their forearms they had two words inked in. On Cas’s “yours” in his writing, and “mine” in Dean’s. Dean had Cas’s handwriting of “mine” and his “yours” mirroring his husband’s.

“I like them,” Dean said as they sat in their private rooftop pool. Their arms were still bandaged and resting on the edge of the pool kept safely out of the water with their fingers entwined, but Dean couldn’t wait to peel the white squares off and see the new ink.

“Leave it be,” Cas chided as he cuddled into Dean’s chest. Dean stopped playing with the tape holding the bandage down and they stared out at the Vegas skyline.

“Whatever you say,” Dean murmured.

“Mmm, in that case, kiss me.” Cas turned slightly so they could kiss.

“We should get out of the water,” Dean said between kisses. “We can’t get these things wet,” he wiggled his fingers in Cas’s. “And I wanna get you in that bed.” Cas beamed and rose out of the pool. He was already hard and Dean cocked an eyebrow at the cock curving up next to his ear. He licked the tip and Cas sighed.

“Bed,” he groaned. Gabe had outdone himself by getting them one of the largest suites in the place. They had a sitting room, a bathroom with a hot tub that could fit seven people, and a triple king sized bed. A bed Cas and Dean had christened already but hey they wanted to consummate their marriage all over the place.

After a spectacular finish, Cas fell backward taking his husband with him. Dean grabbed a cloth and wiped his husband’s cum off his stomach and reached behind to clean his soul mate up. Cas lay, sweaty, on the bed with his legs open and his arms reaching for Dean to come back. The man took his time and just stared fondly at the man in the bed.

“Hey,” Cas whined, “Come here.” Dean was more than happy to oblige and they tangled up tracing fingers all over skin.

“I love you,” Cas whispered.

“I love you.” Dean kissed all over skin. “Hey guess what?”

“What?” Cas asked sleepily.

“We’re married.” He was knocked over by the beam on his husband’s face.

“Yes we are.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow!! I can't believe it's done! And I want to write ten more chapters about how Sam and Gabe move to Paris, how after a few years Dean leaves the restaurant to Benny and they move to a small French town so he can start a cafe and adopt kids with Cas. About how the change doesn't matter any more and Cas hardly notices. About how Dean dies first at ninety five and Cas follows a year later on his ninety third birthday. But then I would never finish and now I feel ready and done. 
> 
> Thank you to all my faithful readers! I honestly would have stopped writing if it wasn't for you and I hope you keep reading my stuff! I have two more Destiels mapped out, a Dean/Cas/Benny maybe (that hasn't even gotten on paper just a vague idea). If you liked The Change keep your eyes out for Angels and Demons which I'm really excited about.
> 
> Ok, that's all folks! Thanks so much again for all the love and support throughout this awesome ride!


	28. I Love You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I couldn't help myself! Hopefully this will clear up the questions, comments, and messages I've been getting!

When Dean got home to their apartment he was hit on the shoulder. It seemed his husband had been waiting for him.

“Ow! What was that for?” Cas narrowed his eyes.

“Benny asked me why you kept calling me je t’aime, and I told him it was your pet name for me.” Dean started laughing, he had to bend over and hold his knees because he knew what was coming next. “He said it meant _I love you_!” Cas hit him again. “So for five years you’ve been calling me ‘I love you’ as my pet name?!” Dean had to wipe the tears that were flowing from his eyes.

“Yup,” he stuttered and he started laughing again. Cas glared on.

“You’ve been calling me that all over Paris! Now I know why everyone in the gallery think’s I’m dating a moron! I thought it was because we were American, but now I know it’s because of this!”

“Yup,” Dean giggled, “I’ll bet you thought it was some romantic phrase like, my heart, or my soul.” Cas hit him again which only served to make his husband double over in laughter. Seeing the pure joy and the way Dean’s eyes cried over how fucking hilarious he was Cas couldn’t help a smile. Dean brightened and wrapped his arms around Cas’s waist.

“I’m still mad at you,” Cas said, his voice losing all its venom. Dean held them tight and they slowly danced through the kitchen to invisible music.

“I call you je t’aime because it sounds beautiful. I call you je t’aime because no matter if it’s in English, French, Spanish, Japanese whatever I call you is always going to mean I love you. I can call you honey, or sugar, or pumpkin, or flounder, my head will always be calling you I love you.”

“I suppose that’s fair,” Cas swayed slightly with his husband. “You’re still my stupid idiot.”

“Whatever you say je t’aime.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok I know I couldn't resist! I know it's short but hopefully this will be the answer to the messages I've been getting. Yes I have known all along what je t'aime means, and no it will not be changed to something that translates better. 
> 
> Thank you again to all my readers and I hope you are ok with this final explanation!


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